History is based upon the discovery and unearthing of past artifects and documents, which in the process allow us to discover more about what has been. We flip across the pages, we counter-check; we hypothesize; we postulate; we conceive ideas; we piece the pieces together, hoping that they fit and we can see the whole picture. By doing so, we unknowingly write the chapters of life in reverse.
We live in the present, and know only what today has brought and will bring. There is no mention of tomorrow, for tomorrow never comes, and yesterday is but clouded in a fading mist. We weave our tales, hoping to attain immortality, for our names and deeds to be forever etched in the minds of those who come after us. What the future holds we cannot fathom nor understand, and so we try to predict what is to come from the past.
Herein lies the element of time's cyclic nature. Almost everything natural is bound by time's cyclic forces, and once it makes its rounds, it comes back full circle. We have seasons, which go on year after year. We have the rotation of planets around the sun. But the most disputed of all these natural acts would be the course of human action. Are we bound by this cyclic nature? Will another Hitler rise up in the future? Will there be another superpower to match America's might? Will the choices we make be bound, if we can look back upon it and learn from the past? Therein lies the paradox.
History, as often propogated in the classroom, is the study of the past to learn from it. But one does question whether it has any use, or whether we are just playing the roles in a game of chance played by higher beings. Do we learn? Or are we doomed and destined to make the same mistake over and over again.
I do wonder really, whether I do learn from my history. Reflecting and thinking back, I see my errors, yet when choices come again, I repeat them. Yet it is not unknowingly, for I know that I am conscious of my choice. Yet there seems to be a lack of control over my life, as if there is some pre-destination that ensures I'm to be forever bounded by those issues. And one does wonder how something so wrong can seem like the best.
We dig up, search through the upheaveled mess in our past to search for the answers to the future. But what about the present? Where does it lie on a time line? What do we do, not then nor there, but now? Mistakes in the past carry wisdom for the future, but what does it hold for the present? What are we living in? Can existentialism be bound by time and space?
Questions unanswered. Musings about the larger issues of the human condition and life. Each time I go over a chapter of my life, it plays over and over in my memory, and it cannot be erased. Perhaps, the greatest book of history... is memory. The Watchers in the X-Men were beings who just watched and observed, noting everything that happened, but not playing a part in it. If such higher beings existed, perhaps the fusion of memories throughout time and space would unravel the truths we have all been seeking. But in truth, such an encyclopaedia and manual of life will never exist. We live based on instinct and advice.
I do wonder, whether that chapter in my life will come about again...
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Arrgh
And I thought the night could not get any worse...
I feel really bad. Not bad in the feel bad way, but bad in the bad way. Oh nevermind. I'm incoherent anyway.
I feel really bad. Not bad in the feel bad way, but bad in the bad way. Oh nevermind. I'm incoherent anyway.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Losing Myself
I'm back to thinking too much, as usual. Once again I'm stuck pondering a particular topic, one which roots run through and through our lives, from our adolescence to our dying days - who am I? The ever quintessential question of identity - seeking it and finding it.
After spending much of last night (unproductively) doing online quizzes, I've been wondering about the validity of my answers and my supposed characteristic traits and attributes. I wonder whether I actually know myself in the way I profess to do. I wonder whether my results will differ from those of my perception, and why they might happen to be.
I wonder really: who am I? It's one of those questions that will never fade, even as life and time goes on...
Waiting for Godot, one of the best 20th Century plays (which I regret not doing my Lang Arts project on), perfectly captures the phase of my life at present. I'm waiting, like Vladimir and Estragon. But for what? In the play, Godot never comes. They are only told that he will come "tomorrow". But in reality, Godot never appears, not once in the play.
I guess I'm waiting for answers to life, and things to change. Or is that a fictional belief I've conceived? What am I waiting for really? What am I striving for? What is at the end of this maze of endless doors? When will I come across the final door which, when opened, does not lead to another pathway with a door at the end? Choices only lead to more choices. Will there ever be contentment? I think I'm searching for that; for appeasement. To still and calm the restless search for the unknown. I'm waiting, searching... not knowing what the future holds, or why I do what I do.
We wait. We wait for the chance that the next day will be better; that the sun will shine brighter. We wait to fill the gaps in our life with others who come and go, and when they do, we wait for the next person(s) to come along. We wait for the moment we gain fame and fortune after working our lives away. We wait for the acknowledgement of our labours. We wait for the requited love we all seek from friends and family, our loved ones. We wait to connect our hearts to those we miss. We wait for the weekend, for that brief respite. We wait for night, to know the tumultous day is over, and we can finally rest. We wait for time to pass; we wait to grow up. We wait - upon passing on from generation to generation. We wait for the meaning of life, or is it the coming of life? We wait for the passing of life... We wait.
But are all the things we wait for like what is said in Ecclesiates 4:6,7? Are they all not but a chasing after the wind? Are not all these things meaningless? By what validations, expectations, and purposes do we build our castles in the skies? Do we build for the past, present, future? Do we build for eternity? Can we wait for eternity? Are these all but meaningless under the sun?
Who am I? What am I waiting for?
I'm waiting for you, like I said I would.
What am I waiting for?
I'm waiting for the day You call me into Your Purpose.
What am I waiting for?
I'm waiting for revival.
After spending much of last night (unproductively) doing online quizzes, I've been wondering about the validity of my answers and my supposed characteristic traits and attributes. I wonder whether I actually know myself in the way I profess to do. I wonder whether my results will differ from those of my perception, and why they might happen to be.
I wonder really: who am I? It's one of those questions that will never fade, even as life and time goes on...
Waiting for Godot, one of the best 20th Century plays (which I regret not doing my Lang Arts project on), perfectly captures the phase of my life at present. I'm waiting, like Vladimir and Estragon. But for what? In the play, Godot never comes. They are only told that he will come "tomorrow". But in reality, Godot never appears, not once in the play.
I guess I'm waiting for answers to life, and things to change. Or is that a fictional belief I've conceived? What am I waiting for really? What am I striving for? What is at the end of this maze of endless doors? When will I come across the final door which, when opened, does not lead to another pathway with a door at the end? Choices only lead to more choices. Will there ever be contentment? I think I'm searching for that; for appeasement. To still and calm the restless search for the unknown. I'm waiting, searching... not knowing what the future holds, or why I do what I do.
We wait. We wait for the chance that the next day will be better; that the sun will shine brighter. We wait to fill the gaps in our life with others who come and go, and when they do, we wait for the next person(s) to come along. We wait for the moment we gain fame and fortune after working our lives away. We wait for the acknowledgement of our labours. We wait for the requited love we all seek from friends and family, our loved ones. We wait to connect our hearts to those we miss. We wait for the weekend, for that brief respite. We wait for night, to know the tumultous day is over, and we can finally rest. We wait for time to pass; we wait to grow up. We wait - upon passing on from generation to generation. We wait for the meaning of life, or is it the coming of life? We wait for the passing of life... We wait.
But are all the things we wait for like what is said in Ecclesiates 4:6,7? Are they all not but a chasing after the wind? Are not all these things meaningless? By what validations, expectations, and purposes do we build our castles in the skies? Do we build for the past, present, future? Do we build for eternity? Can we wait for eternity? Are these all but meaningless under the sun?
Who am I? What am I waiting for?
I'm waiting for you, like I said I would.
What am I waiting for?
I'm waiting for the day You call me into Your Purpose.
What am I waiting for?
I'm waiting for revival.
Your Purpose remains ;
Monday, September 11, 2006
Quizzes
| You Are 88% Happy |
 It's unlikely that you know anyone happier than you. You know how to be happy, no matter what life throws at you. |
| You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy) |
 You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer. |
| Your Brain's Pattern |
 Structured and organized, you have a knack for thinking clearly. You are very logical - and you don't let your thoughts get polluted with emotions. And while your thoughts are pretty serious, they're anything from boring. It's minds like yours that have built the great cities of the world! |
| You Are 45% Left Brained, 55% Right Brained |
 The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports. |
| Your EQ is 160 |
 50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar. |
| Your Brain is 87% Female, 13% Male |
 You have the brain of a girly girl Which isn't a bad thing at all You're emphatetic, caring, and in tune with emotions. You're a good friend and give great advice. |
Let's all point and laugh at Isaac!
| Your Life Path Number is 3 |
 Your purpose in life is to express your unique self. You are a creative and artistic person with an interesting view on life. Witty and outgoing, you enjoy sharing your crazy ideas with anyone who will listen. A total social butterfly, you're the life of any party. In love, you inspire and enchant your partner. You are often an object of fantasy and desire. While you are very talented, you sometimes lack the ambition to put your talents in play. And while your wit carries you a long way, you occasionally use it to mask your true feelings. Your natural abilities can bring you all the success in the world ... if you let them |
| Your Element Is Earth |
 You excel at planning and strategizing. You could be a champ at chess or Survivor. Well grounded, you are able to be realistic and rationalize. On the inside, you have a hard core. It's tough to phase you. You are super productive, and you are able to think anything through. Focused and super charged, your instincts are a good guide for your next step. |
| Your Five Variable Love Profile |
 Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is high. You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person. And in return, you expect the same from who you love. Any sign of straying, and you'll end things. Experience Level: Your experience level is high. You've loved, lost, and loved again. You have had a wide range of love experiences. And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is medium. In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time." You usually find it easy to be part of a couple. But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered. |
| You Are Rain |
 You can be warm and sexy. Or cold and unwelcoming. Either way, you slowly bring out the beauty around you. You are best known for: your touch Your dominant state: changing |
| Your Values Profile |
 Loyalty: You value loyalty highly. You're completely devoted to your friends and family. Even if they totally screw up, you're still there for them. Just make sure they're equally loyal to you! Honesty: You value honesty a fair amount. You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it. If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it. In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity." Generosity: You value generosity a fair amount. You are all about giving, as long as there's some give and take. Supportive and kind, you don't mind helping out a friend in need. But you know when you've given too much. You have no problem saying "no"! Humility: You value humility a fair amount. You tend to be an easy going, humble person. But occasionally your ego takes over. You have a slight competitive streak - and the need to be the best. Tolerance: You value tolerance highly. Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you... You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends. You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them. |
Haha right.
| Your Chances of Being a Multimillionaire: 100% |
 It's almost certain you'll be a multimillionaire. Just keep doing what you're doing. You are good with money, a creative thinker, and an ethical person. You might be the next Donald Trump! |
| Your Aura is Blue |
 Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor |
| Your Power Color Is Lime Green |
 At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary. At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in. In Love: You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated. How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?" |
| What Your Soul Really Looks Like |
 You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now. For you, falling in love is all about the adventure and uncertainty. You can only fall in love with someone who keeps you guessing. |
| You Are From the Moon |
 You can vibe with the steady rhythms of the Moon. You're in touch with your emotions and intuition. You possess a great, unmatched imagination - and an infinite memory. Ultra-sensitive, you feel at home anywhere (or with anyone). A total healer, you light the way in the dark for many. |
| How You Life Your Life |
 You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable. |
Safe, Not Sorry
I've dropped Chemistry, right before the exams.
Some would question why I would spend a year learning and dropping the subject, branding it a waste of time and effort. Well, don't get me wrong, I still love learning, that's for sure. But really, I think the year under Mr Low has been an absolute waste. He has not exhibited any teaching skills, for one. Two periods of online research without any directional guidiance is a waste of time for me. We go one big round, only to hear him say it's not right. I mean, it's fun learning new stuff as well, but it gets aggravatingly demoralising at times.
And besides, I don't want to let it pull down my GPA, like it did in Term 3. Out of History, Geog, Biology and Chemistry, Chemistry is the one I scored lowest for. Double As for the humanities, A for Biology, and an abysmal D for Chemistry last term because of my "incoherent" phrasing. And this once, just this once, for the sake of ACJC, I'll take my grades over my love for the subject. That's one less exam in October, and that's an extended weekend in the second week to study for Maths.
All in all, I think it's a good decision. I don't intend to take Chemistry next year anyway. I'm more or less settled with the arts combination, unless for some reason unbeknownst to me, I decide to take up Chem and Bio and shift to the Science stream. I have no idea why I cannot settle down on one particular thing I'm good at.
I like to think I'm good at most things I do. I know I've been kind of blessed. I'm not getting Gladia's grades, but on the other hand, I'm not stupid. I'm considered smart, and I'm not a freaking mugger. I can do sports decently well too. I'm going to pick up musical instruments in the holidays. I really envy people (not in the bad way) who can do all three - music, sports, studies. I guess to some extent, I look up to Sebas and Michael Teo quite a bit. For me, it's one area to work one, and I reckon I'll be content. Oh, and Shawn Tan too, except he's a slacker.
I think I'm getting burnt out. I've been sleeping alot nowadays. Getting sleepy far too often. Took a nap in the afternoon today, and I fell asleep after the Simpsons. Oh well... I need to pace myself well. It's the last lap already. I started off well, and I intend to maintain my pace and end it well. I am not going to burn out.
Some would question why I would spend a year learning and dropping the subject, branding it a waste of time and effort. Well, don't get me wrong, I still love learning, that's for sure. But really, I think the year under Mr Low has been an absolute waste. He has not exhibited any teaching skills, for one. Two periods of online research without any directional guidiance is a waste of time for me. We go one big round, only to hear him say it's not right. I mean, it's fun learning new stuff as well, but it gets aggravatingly demoralising at times.
And besides, I don't want to let it pull down my GPA, like it did in Term 3. Out of History, Geog, Biology and Chemistry, Chemistry is the one I scored lowest for. Double As for the humanities, A for Biology, and an abysmal D for Chemistry last term because of my "incoherent" phrasing. And this once, just this once, for the sake of ACJC, I'll take my grades over my love for the subject. That's one less exam in October, and that's an extended weekend in the second week to study for Maths.
All in all, I think it's a good decision. I don't intend to take Chemistry next year anyway. I'm more or less settled with the arts combination, unless for some reason unbeknownst to me, I decide to take up Chem and Bio and shift to the Science stream. I have no idea why I cannot settle down on one particular thing I'm good at.
I like to think I'm good at most things I do. I know I've been kind of blessed. I'm not getting Gladia's grades, but on the other hand, I'm not stupid. I'm considered smart, and I'm not a freaking mugger. I can do sports decently well too. I'm going to pick up musical instruments in the holidays. I really envy people (not in the bad way) who can do all three - music, sports, studies. I guess to some extent, I look up to Sebas and Michael Teo quite a bit. For me, it's one area to work one, and I reckon I'll be content. Oh, and Shawn Tan too, except he's a slacker.
I think I'm getting burnt out. I've been sleeping alot nowadays. Getting sleepy far too often. Took a nap in the afternoon today, and I fell asleep after the Simpsons. Oh well... I need to pace myself well. It's the last lap already. I started off well, and I intend to maintain my pace and end it well. I am not going to burn out.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Thank You Lord
For just sending people into my life when I'm at my lowest.
For always being there and letting me know that I can always turn to You no matter what.
For granting me your peace.
For letting me know in Your Presence there is no fear.
For holding me in Your Arms and keeping me safe in Your Embrace.
For being Lord over all - every situation and circumstance.
For picking me up when I fall.
For being my Strength.
For giving me a destiny I would exchange nothing for.
For calling me.
For moulding and shaping me.
For all You've done,
For always being there and letting me know that I can always turn to You no matter what.
For granting me your peace.
For letting me know in Your Presence there is no fear.
For holding me in Your Arms and keeping me safe in Your Embrace.
For being Lord over all - every situation and circumstance.
For picking me up when I fall.
For being my Strength.
For giving me a destiny I would exchange nothing for.
For calling me.
For moulding and shaping me.
For all You've done,
Thank You Lord
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Self
A post before I head off to Serene to study.
I guess after everything that has happened, I've learnt that I need to be more assertive and start making my own decisions. That hasn't been done in a long time, believe me.
At the end of the day, it comes down to what God wants really. I'm tired of thinking and reflecting.
I guess after everything that has happened, I've learnt that I need to be more assertive and start making my own decisions. That hasn't been done in a long time, believe me.
At the end of the day, it comes down to what God wants really. I'm tired of thinking and reflecting.
Jesus take the wheel ;
Monday, September 04, 2006
Yokes
I'm going to start studying. I think I'm slacking too much. Really.
Today was wasted. I don't want to talk about it.
I shall go out tomorrow and study. And there's the study session with the cell on Thursday, after which we'll probably end up playing pool. Wednesday's Bio project day. That's Friday for Geog. And well... I shall finish my History assignment tomorrow.
I shall do Chem and Math tomorrow. I shall attempt to crash course my way through Geog with Leonard's help when school reopens. History will be done across the weekend. Bio on Thursday.
Arrgh. Planning. I'm sick of it really. I'm getting annoyed and worked up at this organised mess that I'm in. It's an utterly paradoxical situation where I plan and plan so much that everything's so rigid and I'm losing the room for flexibility. I need that space. It's not the workload that's killing. It's... I don't know. I don't want to plan anymore. I hate seeing that nice list and crossing off things I've done and feeling good about it. Yet I cannot live in a mess and lose track of what I need to do. I probably am not making sense now.
And I hate thinking, but once again I'm back to the topic of friendships. Someone once asked me whether I'd rather have a million friends and seem popular, or a couple of close good friends. I chose the latter, but I'm seemingly stuck with the former. It's just hi's and bye's. I mean, I would take the time and effort to get to know people better, but I just don't have the resources right now. I need a break now. I need to be left alone.
The irony is that the people not in my life right now are the ones that really matter. I've given up on certain people. I'm tired of mentoring. I feel I've done my part, and I need a rest. I feel that forging friendships and relationships take so much out of me. If you don't realise this you probably don't mean alot to me, but that's a generalisation. I hate half-hearted relationships, but sometimes it's just forced upon me.
I feel so held back. I feel so weary. Even men of steel fall and stumble; we all have our kryptonite. I'm burning out and this is the wrong time for all this. I need to study hard. I need to get my grades. I need to get into that combination in ACJC. I need to... Or do I want to? I'm not even certain of why I do the things I do now.
It's time to let God handle everything and trust in His Perfect Plans. I need to find my rest in His Peace again. Now to find the time and be still...
Today was wasted. I don't want to talk about it.
I shall go out tomorrow and study. And there's the study session with the cell on Thursday, after which we'll probably end up playing pool. Wednesday's Bio project day. That's Friday for Geog. And well... I shall finish my History assignment tomorrow.
I shall do Chem and Math tomorrow. I shall attempt to crash course my way through Geog with Leonard's help when school reopens. History will be done across the weekend. Bio on Thursday.
Arrgh. Planning. I'm sick of it really. I'm getting annoyed and worked up at this organised mess that I'm in. It's an utterly paradoxical situation where I plan and plan so much that everything's so rigid and I'm losing the room for flexibility. I need that space. It's not the workload that's killing. It's... I don't know. I don't want to plan anymore. I hate seeing that nice list and crossing off things I've done and feeling good about it. Yet I cannot live in a mess and lose track of what I need to do. I probably am not making sense now.
And I hate thinking, but once again I'm back to the topic of friendships. Someone once asked me whether I'd rather have a million friends and seem popular, or a couple of close good friends. I chose the latter, but I'm seemingly stuck with the former. It's just hi's and bye's. I mean, I would take the time and effort to get to know people better, but I just don't have the resources right now. I need a break now. I need to be left alone.
The irony is that the people not in my life right now are the ones that really matter. I've given up on certain people. I'm tired of mentoring. I feel I've done my part, and I need a rest. I feel that forging friendships and relationships take so much out of me. If you don't realise this you probably don't mean alot to me, but that's a generalisation. I hate half-hearted relationships, but sometimes it's just forced upon me.
I feel so held back. I feel so weary. Even men of steel fall and stumble; we all have our kryptonite. I'm burning out and this is the wrong time for all this. I need to study hard. I need to get my grades. I need to get into that combination in ACJC. I need to... Or do I want to? I'm not even certain of why I do the things I do now.
It's time to let God handle everything and trust in His Perfect Plans. I need to find my rest in His Peace again. Now to find the time and be still...
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Crazy
That's what everyone said when they heard my response for my choice of subject combination for next year. Jonathan had to go and tell Michelle, and Michelle went on about how I would die with KI and 4 H2 subjects. But I guess they have a point.
So I guess I'm stuck with:
-KI (H2)
-Lit (H2 / H3)
-History (H2 / H3)
-Theatre Studies (H2)
-Econs (H1)
Yes, there is no Math. So sue me. I might do H1 Math instead of Econs, but we'll see.
Michelle claims TS and KI are heavy subjects and killers. Hmmm. I wonder if whether I'm being realistic, or just knowing that I can break out of the norm. I know I can do that. But where does one draw the line between vision and reality?
And it helps to know Jas thinks I'm nuts too. Now all I need is Sebas to slap me when he hears about it. Then I'll know from God.
(Don't we all sense the sarcasm...)
So I guess I'm stuck with:
-KI (H2)
-Lit (H2 / H3)
-History (H2 / H3)
-Theatre Studies (H2)
-Econs (H1)
Yes, there is no Math. So sue me. I might do H1 Math instead of Econs, but we'll see.
Michelle claims TS and KI are heavy subjects and killers. Hmmm. I wonder if whether I'm being realistic, or just knowing that I can break out of the norm. I know I can do that. But where does one draw the line between vision and reality?
And it helps to know Jas thinks I'm nuts too. Now all I need is Sebas to slap me when he hears about it. Then I'll know from God.
(Don't we all sense the sarcasm...)
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