Once again, I'm stuck in another situation, not of my doing, which results in further aggrevation of an already annoyed Isaac.
Perhaps it was true, maybe it isn't. But so what? Does it have to go to such an extent?! Frankly, I'm hoping it's the latter. And I'm surrounded by such idiots who blow things totally out of proportion. I'm feeling murderous now. Really.
Sarah's right. Everyone's just being childish, and maybe I should just ignore it. But surely one can expect more from people who are supposedly more intellectually adapt. It does happen in primary school, but we're in a tertiary institution. I'm not denying the existence of such things, but surely it is not on such a large scale.
I'm now removed from everyone, sitting at the stairway alone. Maybe it's getting to me, and I don't know why. It's just so frustrating really. It's seemingly harmless, but it's not. It does drain you.
Go get a life. Really. I'm so glad it's the weekend.
You know, this stupid issue is just so...well, typical of people my age - teenyboppers. I can't seem to talk to anyone who would listen and not tell me something stupid.
The past just haunts me now. Ways to escape reality have been cut off, and there's no turning back.
A tear trickles down // the people walk by.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Leaving or Gone?
Once again I'm forced to confront issues that I've swept under the carpet. I thought they were laid to rest, for good. But the sudden resurgence of guilt weighs ever so heavy on my conscience, and I cannot but stop to ponder on what has resurfaced.
Maybe I thought that certain chapters of my life were over, and that it would be okay and move on and start afresh. But once again, I realised when it came to the crossroads; when I had to make a choice, I fall short of redemption. I'm still stuck in the past. There's a leap of faith I'm not willing to take. There's a bond that holds me back; there are people I still hold on to.
The mere mention of something in class today set everything in motion, leading up to a near outburst and breakdown. Maybe it's the culmination of so many events, so many facades that slowly wear me out. Maybe I try to act amused when you tell me such things. Maybe it's all just for a laugh, and like you claim, "highly inprobable". Yet, it irks me - unresolved issues resurrect and haunt me again.
I'm not ready to move on. So just stop already. You people probably will never read this, and may never know, and I probably will never speak out against it; like Kerry once said, it's a rites of passage. But maybe people should know when they rub salt into a wound, especially an open one.
I took the step to admit: my life isn't perfect, as much as it may seem.
Again I do wonder, the sacrifices I make - are they worthwhile? Is what is right necessarily good? We claim to do things in the best interests of others; and back then I should have been selfish.
Questions ... of progress
Oh let's go back to the start
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would this hard
Take me back to the start
Maybe I thought that certain chapters of my life were over, and that it would be okay and move on and start afresh. But once again, I realised when it came to the crossroads; when I had to make a choice, I fall short of redemption. I'm still stuck in the past. There's a leap of faith I'm not willing to take. There's a bond that holds me back; there are people I still hold on to.
The mere mention of something in class today set everything in motion, leading up to a near outburst and breakdown. Maybe it's the culmination of so many events, so many facades that slowly wear me out. Maybe I try to act amused when you tell me such things. Maybe it's all just for a laugh, and like you claim, "highly inprobable". Yet, it irks me - unresolved issues resurrect and haunt me again.
I'm not ready to move on. So just stop already. You people probably will never read this, and may never know, and I probably will never speak out against it; like Kerry once said, it's a rites of passage. But maybe people should know when they rub salt into a wound, especially an open one.
I took the step to admit: my life isn't perfect, as much as it may seem.
Again I do wonder, the sacrifices I make - are they worthwhile? Is what is right necessarily good? We claim to do things in the best interests of others; and back then I should have been selfish.
Questions ... of progress
Oh let's go back to the start
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would this hard
Take me back to the start
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Cross the Line
Perhaps once in a while, it's good to take a step back and look where one is. It provides a check is this fast-paced world. We stop and reflect, and think: is what we're doing right? Is it what we want to do? Should we be doing what we've been doing?
I think recent events have caused me to take a break, and look at the larger picture: that of how I'm slowly but surely losing and letting go. Do I want to? Was it right to make that choice? Did I have to be that extreme? Should I have stopped, and not continued? Was it right?
Perhaps I should say sorry. I went on, without realising and reading into the subtilities; what you said did not happen, thus I disregarded it.
But whatever the case, I'm sorry.
And it all ends here.
I think recent events have caused me to take a break, and look at the larger picture: that of how I'm slowly but surely losing and letting go. Do I want to? Was it right to make that choice? Did I have to be that extreme? Should I have stopped, and not continued? Was it right?
Perhaps I should say sorry. I went on, without realising and reading into the subtilities; what you said did not happen, thus I disregarded it.
But whatever the case, I'm sorry.
And it all ends here.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Responsibility
I am pissed, and probably will remain that way till the issue is sorted out.
Being the person in the middle suddenly seems like the worse position I can be in. Why do I have to take responsibility for someone else's actions. In fact, it's everyone's actions.
It's not the easiest task distributing papers to people, especially during the elective weeks. And things are messy, and things get missing. I've done my part, what more do you want really? Am I supposed to beg people to hand their work in on time? Is that my responsibility too? Am I to be blamed if someone hands in his work late? Is it my fault that people don't hand in work? Is it my fault that people lose their work?
I'm becoming the scapegoat for all that nonsense. No, I'm not the problem. No other subject distributes and collects as much work. And besides, the class is too individualised, as compared to last year, as I was discussing with Melody over lunch.
So really, I don't care if I'm stepping down. I don't care if you people have to do 8 more articles, or get a big fat zero for the Wells assignment. Why? It's not my fault; my conscience is clear. Blame those who lose their work instead of blaming the rep really. I've had enough. I'd like to see who wants to replace me and do a better job. It's not that easy, despite the claims that it is. This isn't SS, where all Chao Chia asks is for a stack of paper per term. I collect the journals fortnightly, hand up dozens of assignments for the class, and other administrative nonsense.
This is the end really. When are people going to start taking responsibility for their own lives instead of perennially pushing the blame to others? When are people ever going to take responsibility for their own learning and their own lives? I cannot be bothered already. This is breaking point. So grow up, you think you people are flawless? Think again. Think hard and long. Use that grey matter in your head, lest it decays and rots.
Being the person in the middle suddenly seems like the worse position I can be in. Why do I have to take responsibility for someone else's actions. In fact, it's everyone's actions.
It's not the easiest task distributing papers to people, especially during the elective weeks. And things are messy, and things get missing. I've done my part, what more do you want really? Am I supposed to beg people to hand their work in on time? Is that my responsibility too? Am I to be blamed if someone hands in his work late? Is it my fault that people don't hand in work? Is it my fault that people lose their work?
I'm becoming the scapegoat for all that nonsense. No, I'm not the problem. No other subject distributes and collects as much work. And besides, the class is too individualised, as compared to last year, as I was discussing with Melody over lunch.
So really, I don't care if I'm stepping down. I don't care if you people have to do 8 more articles, or get a big fat zero for the Wells assignment. Why? It's not my fault; my conscience is clear. Blame those who lose their work instead of blaming the rep really. I've had enough. I'd like to see who wants to replace me and do a better job. It's not that easy, despite the claims that it is. This isn't SS, where all Chao Chia asks is for a stack of paper per term. I collect the journals fortnightly, hand up dozens of assignments for the class, and other administrative nonsense.
This is the end really. When are people going to start taking responsibility for their own lives instead of perennially pushing the blame to others? When are people ever going to take responsibility for their own learning and their own lives? I cannot be bothered already. This is breaking point. So grow up, you think you people are flawless? Think again. Think hard and long. Use that grey matter in your head, lest it decays and rots.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Identity
Who am I?
Everytime I think back and reflect, there's just so many questions left unanswered,and new ones that keep surfacing. And so often I'm left in doubt - is this who I am? What was I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be now? Who am I supposed to be? (note the intricate difference)
Charlena told me that in life, we all have various self-defining moments, and I think this is one of them. I feel as if I've lost the reigns of control, and I'm just riding the tide, and hoping to cruise through it. There's this sense that I'm not in control, and other things at present are dictating my life - situations, circumstances, the like.
I think that I've quite a bit of catching up to do. I've been so caught up with life, that I forget to slow down and enjoy it. Wrote my narrative "Speed" across the holidays, and the story was so apt; it ties in so much with Crash.
But as for now, I seem to have lost myself. Maybe it's time for another process of discovery. But the irony of life is this: the more you construct an identity for yourself, the more you question - is that who I want to be? Is that who I'm meant to be?
My destiny lies in You.
Everytime I think back and reflect, there's just so many questions left unanswered,and new ones that keep surfacing. And so often I'm left in doubt - is this who I am? What was I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be now? Who am I supposed to be? (note the intricate difference)
Charlena told me that in life, we all have various self-defining moments, and I think this is one of them. I feel as if I've lost the reigns of control, and I'm just riding the tide, and hoping to cruise through it. There's this sense that I'm not in control, and other things at present are dictating my life - situations, circumstances, the like.
I think that I've quite a bit of catching up to do. I've been so caught up with life, that I forget to slow down and enjoy it. Wrote my narrative "Speed" across the holidays, and the story was so apt; it ties in so much with Crash.
But as for now, I seem to have lost myself. Maybe it's time for another process of discovery. But the irony of life is this: the more you construct an identity for yourself, the more you question - is that who I want to be? Is that who I'm meant to be?
My destiny lies in You.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Four Is A Common Factor
I can't believe I'm so terribly slow!
This is so amusing!
We're all linked by fours!
This is so amusing!
We're all linked by fours!
Change, or is it?
School reopens, and nothing much has changed.
Yes, there are the changes on the surface - new classrooms, new blocks, new timetables. But nothing significant has changed. I don't see what the hype is for. 5 minutes off the periods isn't that big an issue; it's almost the same as 1 hour periods. The only difference lies in the difficulty remembering what time each period is. A round sixty minutes was so much more convenient.
Less than a month till I'm sixteen. I get to play pool legally at last!
I guess Marcus is right. The ennui is setting in, if it hasn't already. There's this feeling that everything that surrounds is mundane. I think I'm running on highs - certain things that get me going for a while, before I return back to this state. So what's new? What's the next challenge, the next mountain to climb?
I've two bets I intend to win in April; the difference between them twelve days.
I guess I'm still trudging along till then.
Yes, there are the changes on the surface - new classrooms, new blocks, new timetables. But nothing significant has changed. I don't see what the hype is for. 5 minutes off the periods isn't that big an issue; it's almost the same as 1 hour periods. The only difference lies in the difficulty remembering what time each period is. A round sixty minutes was so much more convenient.
Less than a month till I'm sixteen. I get to play pool legally at last!
I guess Marcus is right. The ennui is setting in, if it hasn't already. There's this feeling that everything that surrounds is mundane. I think I'm running on highs - certain things that get me going for a while, before I return back to this state. So what's new? What's the next challenge, the next mountain to climb?
I've two bets I intend to win in April; the difference between them twelve days.
I guess I'm still trudging along till then.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Quarterlife Crisis
Indeed, midlife is occuring faster nowadays, so much so that I believe I'm going through a quarterlife crisis.
Looking back once again, things have changed so much this year, even though less than three months have passed. And I guess I was all too caught up in settling, adjusting, that I failed to notice what's happened. School has changed quite a bit, in terms of relationships. Marcus rightly comments that "new alliances have been formed this year", and this shift is quite telling of the nomadic instincts of most teenagers when it comes to relationships. We get what we want from a relationship, and we leave after we get it, searching for greener and newer pastures. It is indeed, quite sad.
And when Melody and I were walking around town yesterday pretending to be tourists and wandering around the Esplanade, the sights we saw were just shocking. Almost every teenage couple was engaging in some intimate act (holding hands/hugging does not constitute this), and we were discussing how everything is transient, and how kids could have made out 40 times before marriage, and later get married another 20 times.
It brings me to the point that I think I'm wasting my life and childhood away. It just struck me - 3 more years, and I'm no longer a teenager. I'll soon be expected to act and behave like an adult (though there are alot more negative connotations tied in to being one).
I suddenly feel like giving up my life. Really. Last night I dreamt I wanted to commit suicide and ran away from home and found a place where I was left alone. Maybe I should not read too much into it; the discontentment grows. Why do I continue doing what I do? I think I'm doing it without a sense of purpose and direction, and I believe I'd be better off not doing it at all. I'm still waiting for that answer. I won't search for it. You tell me why I'm still here giving so much and getting drained all the time. They once told me the joy and satisfaction is the only reward you need; that reward now seems a distant future. Why do I care really? I don't believe in blind faith, I do question what I do. Ironically, I was told to have faith on Wednesday night.
"You will grow from faith to faith."
I'm so close to giving up this life. A three week vacation is much overdue. Someone asked me today, what happened to the Isaac that would come to church and cell irregardless of work. Work is the excuse given to avoid something I don't see a point in being a part of. I think I'm skipping LCell for the second fortnight in a row. I don't see why I'm obligated to go down really. It's a privilege after all; one which I'm declining blatantly and openly.
Don't tell me to get my life back on track. Leave me alone. And I realise I can conjure these vibes that scare people off when they want to come over and talk to me. It was really evident on Wednesday. Someone walks over, and I think, "just leave me alone" and somehow the person just turns back or walks away.
Oh and one last thing, I hate it when you try to understand me really. Face it, you don't and never will. Reading this doesn't give you more insights into my life, and it never will. There's so much more to me than you will ever understand because you fail to take the time to see.
Looking back once again, things have changed so much this year, even though less than three months have passed. And I guess I was all too caught up in settling, adjusting, that I failed to notice what's happened. School has changed quite a bit, in terms of relationships. Marcus rightly comments that "new alliances have been formed this year", and this shift is quite telling of the nomadic instincts of most teenagers when it comes to relationships. We get what we want from a relationship, and we leave after we get it, searching for greener and newer pastures. It is indeed, quite sad.
And when Melody and I were walking around town yesterday pretending to be tourists and wandering around the Esplanade, the sights we saw were just shocking. Almost every teenage couple was engaging in some intimate act (holding hands/hugging does not constitute this), and we were discussing how everything is transient, and how kids could have made out 40 times before marriage, and later get married another 20 times.
It brings me to the point that I think I'm wasting my life and childhood away. It just struck me - 3 more years, and I'm no longer a teenager. I'll soon be expected to act and behave like an adult (though there are alot more negative connotations tied in to being one).
I suddenly feel like giving up my life. Really. Last night I dreamt I wanted to commit suicide and ran away from home and found a place where I was left alone. Maybe I should not read too much into it; the discontentment grows. Why do I continue doing what I do? I think I'm doing it without a sense of purpose and direction, and I believe I'd be better off not doing it at all. I'm still waiting for that answer. I won't search for it. You tell me why I'm still here giving so much and getting drained all the time. They once told me the joy and satisfaction is the only reward you need; that reward now seems a distant future. Why do I care really? I don't believe in blind faith, I do question what I do. Ironically, I was told to have faith on Wednesday night.
"You will grow from faith to faith."
I'm so close to giving up this life. A three week vacation is much overdue. Someone asked me today, what happened to the Isaac that would come to church and cell irregardless of work. Work is the excuse given to avoid something I don't see a point in being a part of. I think I'm skipping LCell for the second fortnight in a row. I don't see why I'm obligated to go down really. It's a privilege after all; one which I'm declining blatantly and openly.
Don't tell me to get my life back on track. Leave me alone. And I realise I can conjure these vibes that scare people off when they want to come over and talk to me. It was really evident on Wednesday. Someone walks over, and I think, "just leave me alone" and somehow the person just turns back or walks away.
Oh and one last thing, I hate it when you try to understand me really. Face it, you don't and never will. Reading this doesn't give you more insights into my life, and it never will. There's so much more to me than you will ever understand because you fail to take the time to see.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Self-Awareness
What is wrong with everyone really? Half the youth ministry in church is obsessed with this Johari Window nonsense. Why? I have no idea. It could be that they're just doing it for fun, or perhaps they're intent on knowing themselves better. I hope it's the former, as the latter would be a really stupid way to go about the matter.
How seriously can you take 5-6 words that are chosen to describe someone? So what if someone thinks you're vibrant or energetic? Does it mean you are? Or is it just another facade we put up as a part of life?
Our identity is constructed partially on what others think of us, but so often this has been confused with what others know of us. Perception and truth - two entirely different ways of viewing things. How accurate is it? Will we be led to believe perceptions as truth? Will we lose ourselves in the process?
I just feel the whole thing is ludicruous and really should not be taken seriously, but rather, with a pinch of salt.
And I prefer this version. I wonder why...
Oh well. Lang Arts make up today was quite boring. I stared at the word Nietzsche smiling to myself the whole lesson. "God is dead, and we have killed him" sounds all the more apt in today's context. Granted it was spoken by a madman, but madness is genius reconceived (the Aviator). Why is he Marcus' favourite philosopher? That's more in common between us...
How seriously can you take 5-6 words that are chosen to describe someone? So what if someone thinks you're vibrant or energetic? Does it mean you are? Or is it just another facade we put up as a part of life?
Our identity is constructed partially on what others think of us, but so often this has been confused with what others know of us. Perception and truth - two entirely different ways of viewing things. How accurate is it? Will we be led to believe perceptions as truth? Will we lose ourselves in the process?
I just feel the whole thing is ludicruous and really should not be taken seriously, but rather, with a pinch of salt.
And I prefer this version. I wonder why...
Oh well. Lang Arts make up today was quite boring. I stared at the word Nietzsche smiling to myself the whole lesson. "God is dead, and we have killed him" sounds all the more apt in today's context. Granted it was spoken by a madman, but madness is genius reconceived (the Aviator). Why is he Marcus' favourite philosopher? That's more in common between us...
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Ghosts
Taking a break from Shakespeare to post.
Just came back from catching Rumour Has it with Melody. The show was rather good - sexual innuendoes aside, the themes were really poignant, or so I felt. (Testicular trauma and such. The innuendoes are all really subtle; it just goes to show how corrupted I am.)
"I guess the two of us were just chasing after ghosts."
That holds ever so true in my life. I guess all this while, I have been chasing ghosts; ghosts of the past, ghosts of the semblance of what certain people were. And I've come to realise, that like ghosts, those memories are from another plane and will never become a reality in the one I'm in. Things that are lost and gone are that, and that will not change. All this while I wasn't holding on to people, but rather, the ghosts of them; what they were, what they meant. I think it's time to let go.
Another line that struck me, and perhaps this is a little sappy and cheesy:
"It's not that I cannot live without you; I can live without you. But I choose to live with you."
That comes towards the end of the movie. And yes, sometimes it is not that we cannot live without the person, but it is rather more a want than a need. This just proves it's time to let go again.
Just came back from catching Rumour Has it with Melody. The show was rather good - sexual innuendoes aside, the themes were really poignant, or so I felt. (Testicular trauma and such. The innuendoes are all really subtle; it just goes to show how corrupted I am.)
"I guess the two of us were just chasing after ghosts."
That holds ever so true in my life. I guess all this while, I have been chasing ghosts; ghosts of the past, ghosts of the semblance of what certain people were. And I've come to realise, that like ghosts, those memories are from another plane and will never become a reality in the one I'm in. Things that are lost and gone are that, and that will not change. All this while I wasn't holding on to people, but rather, the ghosts of them; what they were, what they meant. I think it's time to let go.
Another line that struck me, and perhaps this is a little sappy and cheesy:
"It's not that I cannot live without you; I can live without you. But I choose to live with you."
That comes towards the end of the movie. And yes, sometimes it is not that we cannot live without the person, but it is rather more a want than a need. This just proves it's time to let go again.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Technology Hates Me
I just realised my iBook requires $1299 to fix the stupid screen. My gosh.
I'm so getting another laptop or a new tablet PC.
I'm so getting another laptop or a new tablet PC.
Life
I'm really amused by the typical teenage interpretation of a larger than life concept - that of life itself. Most people try to liken it using metaphors, and so often it turns out hilarious. Here are some examples. (I am not making personal attacks, get this straight.)
1) We have Forrest Gump's infamous sophism. "Life is like a box of chocolates." Yeah right. Life is sweet? Life is dark or white? Life has nuts in it? Life melts? "You never know what you're going to get till you open it." If you had only one "duh?!", now would be a good time to use it.
2) "Life is like a package. You either take it or leave it." So you can 'take' life? Have you been watching too much Dodgeball? "Grab life by the balls." And you can leave life? Really? I only thought you could depart from it...
3) "Life never like a bed of roses." Hmmm. I can see why. Life is not red. Life doesn't smell good. Life doesn't have thorns. If you're fortunate enough to have a second "duh?!", please use it now.
Really. I don't see how people, especially in their teens, can attempt to philosophise about something that they fail to realise they can never grasp or grapple with. Perhaps it due to the Quest - one's journey to find one's purpose in life. It goes to show how lost people these days are, wandering through life without a purpose or direction.
I'm glad I've found mine.
1) We have Forrest Gump's infamous sophism. "Life is like a box of chocolates." Yeah right. Life is sweet? Life is dark or white? Life has nuts in it? Life melts? "You never know what you're going to get till you open it." If you had only one "duh?!", now would be a good time to use it.
2) "Life is like a package. You either take it or leave it." So you can 'take' life? Have you been watching too much Dodgeball? "Grab life by the balls." And you can leave life? Really? I only thought you could depart from it...
3) "Life never like a bed of roses." Hmmm. I can see why. Life is not red. Life doesn't smell good. Life doesn't have thorns. If you're fortunate enough to have a second "duh?!", please use it now.
Really. I don't see how people, especially in their teens, can attempt to philosophise about something that they fail to realise they can never grasp or grapple with. Perhaps it due to the Quest - one's journey to find one's purpose in life. It goes to show how lost people these days are, wandering through life without a purpose or direction.
I'm glad I've found mine.
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