Without Jesus there won't be this Christmas...
The words sink in so deep now.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Festive
Christmas - the joy, laughter and merry-making time toward the end of the year. Or is it? More so it is a cloak that shields us and blends us into the festivities of it all to cover up the brokeness and bitterness faced along the course of the year.
It's been an absolutely terrible year, and I'm not going to smile and say my year was fine. I've lied enough, and I think this is where I come clean and be real...
Thinking about it, there's someone I really need to thank God for. I never realised it until today, but she's been there through the whole long issue beside me, making sure each time I wanted to give up, I didn't. And if the world would turn against me, she'd still be there. Each time I needed to rant and seek someone to talk to, she'd readily be there...
Thanks Sis.
It's been an absolutely terrible year, and I'm not going to smile and say my year was fine. I've lied enough, and I think this is where I come clean and be real...
Thinking about it, there's someone I really need to thank God for. I never realised it until today, but she's been there through the whole long issue beside me, making sure each time I wanted to give up, I didn't. And if the world would turn against me, she'd still be there. Each time I needed to rant and seek someone to talk to, she'd readily be there...
Thanks Sis.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Boredom
src="http://tn3-1.deviantart.com/300W/fs4.deviantart.com/i/2004/250/3/9/_Color_Me_Blood_Red__by_blackeri.jpg">
you are wrath your animal is the tiger Wath is
manifested in the individual who spurns love
and opts instead for fury. It is also known as
Anger. you are just very angry at the world in
general. when people offer you kindness you
lash out at them in anger ...get a theripist
Which of the seven deadly sins are you? Redone with pics!
brought to you by Quizilla
What is your hidden power? ( Cool Pics + very detailed results!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Re-did this...
What is your hidden power? ( Cool Pics + very detailed results!)
brought to you by Quizilla
What mythical creature are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your eye ~amazing pics~
brought to you by Quizilla
Re-did...
Your eye ~amazing pics~
brought to you by Quizilla
What is Your Obsession?
brought to you by Quizilla
What type of evil are you? (anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
What type of evil are you? (anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
alt="Image hosted by
Photobucket.com">
You are a magical warrior! Born with a mystical and
errasistable nature, people are atracted to you
like a magnet. You are a very forward-thinker
and independent in your way of approaching most
things in life. No one is able to tell you how
to live, because your broad-minded and
creative attitude has made it clear to you just
how differently you wish to experience your
life.
Brimming with endless secrets along with surprises,
your talents, gifts and flairs cease to amaze.
Whats your inner warrior? (beautiful anime pics and detailed results!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Might vs Magic. Haha.
Your element is Darkness. You are the truly evil
one with a black heart and no soul. People
avoid you since you cause so much trouble and
enjoy seeing others in pain. You would like
nothing more than to rule this earth and be
hailed by all. Everyone is annoying and stupid
anyway and are a waste of oxygen. You are
probably a cast-away from society and family
and have had a tough life where you learned to
live the hard way. Now you want revenge on your
pain and can no longer feel love nor care. You
do not wish to befriend anyone and you
certainly do not wish to be in love. As a
student of having learnt everything the hard
way, you tend to be manipulative when you want
something for yourself. In your head there is
only you that matters, and why shouldn't it? No
one cares about you so why should you? In
school you probably ditch classes and go
somewhere else instead of sitting in a
classroom. It is not that you are stupid,
because you're probably very smart, but
everyone annoy you. And having to sit in the
same room, breathing the same air as your
enemies is not desired by you. Rate and
message!
What is your element? [with pics + detailed answeres]
brought to you by Quizilla
Your element is Darkness. You are the truly evil
one with a black heart and no soul. People
avoid you since you cause so much trouble and
enjoy seeing others in pain. You would like
nothing more than to rule this earth and be
hailed by all. Everyone is annoying and stupid
anyway and are a waste of oxygen. You are
probably a cast-away from society and family
and have had a tough life where you learned to
live the hard way. Now you want revenge on your
pain and can no longer feel love nor care. You
do not wish to befriend anyone and you
certainly do not wish to be in love. As a
student of having learnt everything the hard
way, you tend to be manipulative when you want
something for yourself. In your head there is
only you that matters, and why shouldn't it? No
one cares about you so why should you? In
school you probably ditch classes and go
somewhere else instead of sitting in a
classroom. It is not that you are stupid,
because you're probably very smart, but
everyone annoy you. And having to sit in the
same room, breathing the same air as your
enemies is not desired by you. Rate and
message!
What is your element? [with pics + detailed answeres]
brought to you by Quizilla
You reflect the wisdom of the spirit. You shine as
a wise and anicent sage who values intellect
among the most. Your spirit brings guidence to
those around you. You have accomplished your
strength with age and time. Don't let your wise
advice go to waste. Share it with all who are
willing to listen. Please rate high
;-)
Reflections of the Spirit?
brought to you by Quizilla
What colour is your soul? - anime pics (now w/ new result)
brought to you by Quizilla
Snagging a their number is a total adventure with
you love plotting schemes to get a them to
notice you. Quizzing their buds to find out
thier class schedule? Youve done it. Checking
they AOL profile to discover his hobbies? Yep,
that too. Sly and fearless, youll land your
crush any way you canand you usually do!
Whats Your Flirting Style?(good quiz)
brought to you by Quizilla
Snagging a their number is a total adventure with
you love plotting schemes to get a them to
notice you. Quizzing their buds to find out
thier class schedule? Youve done it. Checking
they AOL profile to discover his hobbies? Yep,
that too. Sly and fearless, youll land your
crush any way you canand you usually do!
Whats Your Flirting Style?(good quiz)
brought to you by Quizilla
Pre-Christmas
It's Christmas Eve.
Reflections, reflections. Is every single detail out there meant to haunt me over mistakes I've made this year - knowingly or unknowingly? I'm still greatly disturbed that there are issues left unresolved in my life, despite the resolution of the year drawing close.
Maybe, just maybe, I should apologise. Maybe I should tear down every pretence I've constructed and admit that I am human; I was wrong; I make mistakes. Maybe then, there might be a slim chance that life would turn around.
As cliched as it sounds - all I want for Christmas is you...
Reflections, reflections. Is every single detail out there meant to haunt me over mistakes I've made this year - knowingly or unknowingly? I'm still greatly disturbed that there are issues left unresolved in my life, despite the resolution of the year drawing close.
Maybe, just maybe, I should apologise. Maybe I should tear down every pretence I've constructed and admit that I am human; I was wrong; I make mistakes. Maybe then, there might be a slim chance that life would turn around.
As cliched as it sounds - all I want for Christmas is you...
How can I sing when my words have run dry
How can I smile with a tear in my eye
That's how it feels, when I'm missing you
How can I smile with a tear in my eye
That's how it feels, when I'm missing you
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Talk Time
Just got off the phone from a non-intentional wake-up call.
That's 6 hours spent on the phone today already. I feel so accomplished!
That's 6 hours spent on the phone today already. I feel so accomplished!
Compatability
What makes two people click in a relationship? Or rather, what do we go for in a relationship that ensures compatability; that we do not have a clash of personalities?
This seemingly simple question leads to two key areas - similarities and differences. How much of one entity do we want in a relationship? We do not want a carbon copy of ourselves, yet we do not want the total antithesis of what we are. It's the ironic nature of being human - so often we are found in that grey area, where we want what is between polaric extremes.
I've often questioned why I'd see guys from recent reputable schools going out with girls from not so good schools (or vice versa - I'm not sexist), and I've often wondered, what could he possibly see in her? They are quite different in nature - one's probably smarter than the other by quite some bit; one's probably going to end up with a more decent job than the other, and so on. There are so many differences - how do they maintain a relationship?
Someone once told me that that is, as cliched as it sounds, 'the Power of Love'. Age, status, occupation and all these do not matter if one truly loves another. But can love, such a complex emotion, simply be attained by abandoning and neglecting entire aspects of a person, overlooking similarities and differences alike? How can it be when love is said to accept wholly, and not partially. Is love negligence and ignorance or acceptance? Most would say acceptance. Who would claim that they neglect the people they love? But does it really hold? Can we ever justify and try to explain what love is?
The Bible says God is love. And different people say different things. So what is love to you? Ultimately I believe this statement is true: love is only a feeling. It cannot be explained, it cannot be made or manufactured or sold; it was meant to be given and received - words unspoken.
And it is precisely this concept of giving and receiving that has warped our ideas of love in post-modern mercantilistic society. We think we can sell, trade, buy love (as seen through expressions of changing partners and buying Vietnamese or Chinese brides).
Love was never meant to be explained; it was meant to be understood.
This seemingly simple question leads to two key areas - similarities and differences. How much of one entity do we want in a relationship? We do not want a carbon copy of ourselves, yet we do not want the total antithesis of what we are. It's the ironic nature of being human - so often we are found in that grey area, where we want what is between polaric extremes.
I've often questioned why I'd see guys from recent reputable schools going out with girls from not so good schools (or vice versa - I'm not sexist), and I've often wondered, what could he possibly see in her? They are quite different in nature - one's probably smarter than the other by quite some bit; one's probably going to end up with a more decent job than the other, and so on. There are so many differences - how do they maintain a relationship?
Someone once told me that that is, as cliched as it sounds, 'the Power of Love'. Age, status, occupation and all these do not matter if one truly loves another. But can love, such a complex emotion, simply be attained by abandoning and neglecting entire aspects of a person, overlooking similarities and differences alike? How can it be when love is said to accept wholly, and not partially. Is love negligence and ignorance or acceptance? Most would say acceptance. Who would claim that they neglect the people they love? But does it really hold? Can we ever justify and try to explain what love is?
The Bible says God is love. And different people say different things. So what is love to you? Ultimately I believe this statement is true: love is only a feeling. It cannot be explained, it cannot be made or manufactured or sold; it was meant to be given and received - words unspoken.
And it is precisely this concept of giving and receiving that has warped our ideas of love in post-modern mercantilistic society. We think we can sell, trade, buy love (as seen through expressions of changing partners and buying Vietnamese or Chinese brides).
Love was never meant to be explained; it was meant to be understood.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
A Pre-Christmas Reflection
What do I want?
Seemingly simple question, but there're so many issues behind it.
Sorted out some thoughts today, bought several gifts. Christmas is coming, but my thoughts on that do not belong in this entry.
I've been asking myself: what do I want for Christmas? And do the things I want bring happiness or satisfaction? Then I realised - the joy of Christmas is not the joy of receiving gifts, but the joy of the world receiving Christ.
Seemingly simple question, but there're so many issues behind it.
Sorted out some thoughts today, bought several gifts. Christmas is coming, but my thoughts on that do not belong in this entry.
I've been asking myself: what do I want for Christmas? And do the things I want bring happiness or satisfaction? Then I realised - the joy of Christmas is not the joy of receiving gifts, but the joy of the world receiving Christ.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Time Moves On
Had dinner with Stef today, and the topic of tradition just popped up.
In short, we were lamenting on how as time progresses, parents rarely seem to be affected by the winds of change. Often we hear the ever so common "In my time...(goes on and on about how things were better and more civil in their time and how society is only changing for the worse)", isn't it so?
Tradition seeks to preserve values, morals, etiquette, while time seeks to change that. Asian culture and modernity seem to be in a constant fight for the lives of the young today. Unlike the generation of our parents, where filial piety and other Chinese values were prominent, youths today are more in touch with Western culture, where you leave home at 18 to find a job and rarely see your parents again.
Take dialect for instance. Someone told me that our parents would be the last generation to speak it fluently, or even at all, and I must admit I agree. The generations gap between parent and child is not only a gap of age, but also a gap of culture. Media and Western influence have been prominent throughout our upbringing, while the only forms of tradition that remain lie at home, decaying.
Perhaps tradition has met its end in this generation. Yet a deeper thought lingers - 50 years from now, with the powers of the East emerging, will our children have the mindset that our present 'Western lifestyles' are tradition, and go back to the 'ancient' beliefs of our parents and their parents?
Ultimately, tradition is not anything ancient, but merely a mindset; a perspective. And the battle, once again, is won by time - it conquers all, leaving even civilisations crumbling in its wake.
****
Author's note: Terribly sub-par entry. I'm too distracted by the 'Movie Event of the Year' on AXN. Heh.
In short, we were lamenting on how as time progresses, parents rarely seem to be affected by the winds of change. Often we hear the ever so common "In my time...(goes on and on about how things were better and more civil in their time and how society is only changing for the worse)", isn't it so?
Tradition seeks to preserve values, morals, etiquette, while time seeks to change that. Asian culture and modernity seem to be in a constant fight for the lives of the young today. Unlike the generation of our parents, where filial piety and other Chinese values were prominent, youths today are more in touch with Western culture, where you leave home at 18 to find a job and rarely see your parents again.
Take dialect for instance. Someone told me that our parents would be the last generation to speak it fluently, or even at all, and I must admit I agree. The generations gap between parent and child is not only a gap of age, but also a gap of culture. Media and Western influence have been prominent throughout our upbringing, while the only forms of tradition that remain lie at home, decaying.
Perhaps tradition has met its end in this generation. Yet a deeper thought lingers - 50 years from now, with the powers of the East emerging, will our children have the mindset that our present 'Western lifestyles' are tradition, and go back to the 'ancient' beliefs of our parents and their parents?
Ultimately, tradition is not anything ancient, but merely a mindset; a perspective. And the battle, once again, is won by time - it conquers all, leaving even civilisations crumbling in its wake.
****
Author's note: Terribly sub-par entry. I'm too distracted by the 'Movie Event of the Year' on AXN. Heh.
Tags
Rules of the game:
1. Post 5 weird/random stuff about yourself.
2. At the end, list the names of 5 people whom you want next to do this, and leave a comment "YOU ARE TAGGED!" in their blog and tell them to read your blog for rules. (*I won't do this. Do it if you want to...)
1) I am androgynous.
2) I don't think I'm handsome; I'm beautiful.
3) I'm ambidexterous.
4) I'm currently trying out new ways on signing my name.
5) I have Numb3rs season II and you don't!
*6) I'm probably quitting Track soon due to a recurring ankle injury. (*Since 1) and 2) are quite similar.)
1. Post 5 weird/random stuff about yourself.
2. At the end, list the names of 5 people whom you want next to do this, and leave a comment "YOU ARE TAGGED!" in their blog and tell them to read your blog for rules. (*I won't do this. Do it if you want to...)
1) I am androgynous.
2) I don't think I'm handsome; I'm beautiful.
3) I'm ambidexterous.
4) I'm currently trying out new ways on signing my name.
5) I have Numb3rs season II and you don't!
*6) I'm probably quitting Track soon due to a recurring ankle injury. (*Since 1) and 2) are quite similar.)
Monday, December 12, 2005
God at Work
I presently lack a phrase or expression to describe my current state of feelings. Why's everything so...complicated?!
Yeah, God's moving; people are changing; lives are being transformed. But still...
Basically someone just called to awaken me from my slumbering stupor. The moment I looked at the Caller ID on my handphone, something within me just jolted. Suddenly it seems everything just came back, and I tried to recall when the last time that number appeared. Everything's so far away; so long ago.
Sometimes I feel certain things should be left unsaid; unspoken.
Perhaps in moving on, we ironically need to deal with issues of the past. Perhaps certain issues are too pressing that God cannot let them lie. Why God? Why? Why couldn't it be all over then? I said I'd let go. What's more to do?
Camp was great - and so was the work He started. But I never did expect this. You may think it's pleasant. But I guess I just realised I'm not ready. I just realised I'd rather run away from the issue than face it. Call me a coward; I don't deny it.
I don't want to struggle anymore. Have Your Way - give me strength to make it through. Once again, it's letting go and letting God.
Yeah, God's moving; people are changing; lives are being transformed. But still...
Basically someone just called to awaken me from my slumbering stupor. The moment I looked at the Caller ID on my handphone, something within me just jolted. Suddenly it seems everything just came back, and I tried to recall when the last time that number appeared. Everything's so far away; so long ago.
Sometimes I feel certain things should be left unsaid; unspoken.
Perhaps in moving on, we ironically need to deal with issues of the past. Perhaps certain issues are too pressing that God cannot let them lie. Why God? Why? Why couldn't it be all over then? I said I'd let go. What's more to do?
Camp was great - and so was the work He started. But I never did expect this. You may think it's pleasant. But I guess I just realised I'm not ready. I just realised I'd rather run away from the issue than face it. Call me a coward; I don't deny it.
I don't want to struggle anymore. Have Your Way - give me strength to make it through. Once again, it's letting go and letting God.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Forever Delayed
Delays - one of modern life's greatest ironies.
We buzz about our lives hoping to soon hit Mach 3 to reduce working hours from 9-10 so we have more time to spend, yet delays and hold-ups are simply inevitable. Just today, I was at Plaza Singapura waiting to have my hair cut, and (together with really ineffecient service) resulted in me being 15mins later for service. Disgusting really. Waiting has never really been one of my strong points, yet in this world, it seems that this saying holds true: We wait to rush and we rush to wait.
Even right now, I'm waiting for a phone call which I think may never come...
And so I'll keep waiting...
We buzz about our lives hoping to soon hit Mach 3 to reduce working hours from 9-10 so we have more time to spend, yet delays and hold-ups are simply inevitable. Just today, I was at Plaza Singapura waiting to have my hair cut, and (together with really ineffecient service) resulted in me being 15mins later for service. Disgusting really. Waiting has never really been one of my strong points, yet in this world, it seems that this saying holds true: We wait to rush and we rush to wait.
Even right now, I'm waiting for a phone call which I think may never come...
And so I'll keep waiting...
Monday, December 05, 2005
Meaning
It's an age-old question; one that no one has ever found an answer to:
What is life? What is the meaning of life?
When we look back at our own lives, observing the throngs of people moving to and fro going about their daily business, we ask, what is my life about? What is the meaning to my own life?
Some find it in their work, some with their families, others in love, and others in exploration and conquest; a search and discovery of things past, present and future. But there is no singular answer. Life perhaps is precisely that - anything, and (ironically) everything. We accuse workaholics of lacking a 'life' and of being too self-absorbed. Yet we too criticise family-oriented people for lacking commitment and passion in their work life. Perhaps the contradication holds a lesson - there is no one definition to life. It merely 'is'. It is what we choose to define it as...
And that perhaps is a morbid thought for we fear the reality that life is merely a phase; we are merely 'passing through'. Life lacks permanence: we live and we will eventually die. However, this cycle of life stirs up complex emotions within. We fear that all we've done in this life time will disintegrate and be forgotten with time. We fear that we will and perhaps have not done enough. We want to be remembered. We seek immortality...
It so readily explains why people seek fame and fortune; why they sought achievement and success. Beyond the material gains, it is the need to be immortal; to be remembered for the success one has carved upon this world.
And we all do it...in our own way.
What is life? What is the meaning of life?
When we look back at our own lives, observing the throngs of people moving to and fro going about their daily business, we ask, what is my life about? What is the meaning to my own life?
Some find it in their work, some with their families, others in love, and others in exploration and conquest; a search and discovery of things past, present and future. But there is no singular answer. Life perhaps is precisely that - anything, and (ironically) everything. We accuse workaholics of lacking a 'life' and of being too self-absorbed. Yet we too criticise family-oriented people for lacking commitment and passion in their work life. Perhaps the contradication holds a lesson - there is no one definition to life. It merely 'is'. It is what we choose to define it as...
And that perhaps is a morbid thought for we fear the reality that life is merely a phase; we are merely 'passing through'. Life lacks permanence: we live and we will eventually die. However, this cycle of life stirs up complex emotions within. We fear that all we've done in this life time will disintegrate and be forgotten with time. We fear that we will and perhaps have not done enough. We want to be remembered. We seek immortality...
It so readily explains why people seek fame and fortune; why they sought achievement and success. Beyond the material gains, it is the need to be immortal; to be remembered for the success one has carved upon this world.
And we all do it...in our own way.
History
What is the value of history - personal, national and global (world)?
At the root of it, history is a means to ascertain our existence. History is narrative. And the human race has always had an innate desire to tell stories, to write them, and to recount them. It is what keeps us alive; It is what tells us that we are present, here, in this time and space. We need others to hear and listen so they can reflect our existence.
But history, in its most personal form, is memory. We reminesce and remember to know that we exist(ed). We look back in time and objectify ourselves as a third person often wondering if that was who we were in a forgotten time and space - remembered only in the recesses of our minds. And so in some contorted fashion, existence is merely memory and perception. We create our own realities - nowhere else but in our minds.
We look back introspectively - and we laugh, smile, cry and weep; we are moved, inspired, ashamed, guilt-ridden. That is the power of memory - to shape future memories; to shape the present. In the same way, history in its 'larger' form has the same power. It could shape the world - its future and its present.
But the irony of our own lives, and the world, is that we never learn. We would rather indulge in realities that have passed. And we often only choose to see what we want to see.
At the root of it, history is a means to ascertain our existence. History is narrative. And the human race has always had an innate desire to tell stories, to write them, and to recount them. It is what keeps us alive; It is what tells us that we are present, here, in this time and space. We need others to hear and listen so they can reflect our existence.
But history, in its most personal form, is memory. We reminesce and remember to know that we exist(ed). We look back in time and objectify ourselves as a third person often wondering if that was who we were in a forgotten time and space - remembered only in the recesses of our minds. And so in some contorted fashion, existence is merely memory and perception. We create our own realities - nowhere else but in our minds.
We look back introspectively - and we laugh, smile, cry and weep; we are moved, inspired, ashamed, guilt-ridden. That is the power of memory - to shape future memories; to shape the present. In the same way, history in its 'larger' form has the same power. It could shape the world - its future and its present.
But the irony of our own lives, and the world, is that we never learn. We would rather indulge in realities that have passed. And we often only choose to see what we want to see.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Gifted, and Proud Of It
What's with the recent slamming of GEPers in Today?!
Goodness, I just remember I had a rather heated discussion slamming people with Christal at Pizza Hut over dinner, only to realise that I was surrounded by mainstreamers.
But really, are we that arrogant? Do we have no other form of social life? I highly doubt it. I very much believe I have an extravagent social life, sadly. I associate myself with mainstream people - school- or church-based. My best friend is not a GEPer. My closer friends are mainly mainstream people.
Yes, I don't deny I'm not an arrogant stuck-up person at times. And I don't deny it's what the system has 'taught' me to be. But the choice to become the person with the character I bear is my choice; it was not forced onto me with the intention of xeroxing every GEPer to be arrogant, snobbish and whatnot. I chose to be arrogant, because I don't think others match up to me. Sorry if it hurts, but I'm deadly cynical and antagonistic.
Yeah, I'm proud of what I have and possess, sometimes a little too much for my own good. But surely being smart (supposedly at least), we'd learn to discern good from bad, right from wrong, black from white. Surely we know better than to come across as proud and unsociable. Me? I'm a deviant of the system. I don't believe I can be stereotyped into normalcy, and I strive to break free; be different; be me.
So maybe this rant at 2am in the morning seems disorientated and doesn't make much sense... Sorry, I don't need you, the reader, to side with me on this. As hypocritical as it sounds, I beg to differ with the opinions stated in the article.
But, if you were to slam the Integrated Programme for producing pathetic attempts at 'higher education', perhaps you'd get my vote. Idiocy surrounds me, and it's a month of freedom and fresh air, before returning to that hellhole of an educational institution. It's not the school; the school itself is nothing problematic. It's the students - my peers. They suck the life and will to live, to press on pursuing what I love. They tax every second of your life away, hoping to steal all you have. Teenyboppers...
Goodness, I just remember I had a rather heated discussion slamming people with Christal at Pizza Hut over dinner, only to realise that I was surrounded by mainstreamers.
But really, are we that arrogant? Do we have no other form of social life? I highly doubt it. I very much believe I have an extravagent social life, sadly. I associate myself with mainstream people - school- or church-based. My best friend is not a GEPer. My closer friends are mainly mainstream people.
Yes, I don't deny I'm not an arrogant stuck-up person at times. And I don't deny it's what the system has 'taught' me to be. But the choice to become the person with the character I bear is my choice; it was not forced onto me with the intention of xeroxing every GEPer to be arrogant, snobbish and whatnot. I chose to be arrogant, because I don't think others match up to me. Sorry if it hurts, but I'm deadly cynical and antagonistic.
Yeah, I'm proud of what I have and possess, sometimes a little too much for my own good. But surely being smart (supposedly at least), we'd learn to discern good from bad, right from wrong, black from white. Surely we know better than to come across as proud and unsociable. Me? I'm a deviant of the system. I don't believe I can be stereotyped into normalcy, and I strive to break free; be different; be me.
So maybe this rant at 2am in the morning seems disorientated and doesn't make much sense... Sorry, I don't need you, the reader, to side with me on this. As hypocritical as it sounds, I beg to differ with the opinions stated in the article.
But, if you were to slam the Integrated Programme for producing pathetic attempts at 'higher education', perhaps you'd get my vote. Idiocy surrounds me, and it's a month of freedom and fresh air, before returning to that hellhole of an educational institution. It's not the school; the school itself is nothing problematic. It's the students - my peers. They suck the life and will to live, to press on pursuing what I love. They tax every second of your life away, hoping to steal all you have. Teenyboppers...
Blank
That's the present state of my mind. It seems my thought-machine has gone on vacation, like most Singaporeans would.
So she's coming back tomorrow. So I'm due for a long overdue phone call. Big deal. Doesn't seem to matter anymore. There's an air of...nonchalance around me. Some might deem it as being apathetically self-absorbed, e.g. "I-don't-give-a-damn-about-anything-or-anyone".
I don't know why I've grown cold lately. My best friend might be leaving Singapore next year, and I don't seem to treasure his company or time anymore. Sad, isn't it?
I don't need your sympathy votes, really.
What I need? I really don't know. Life feels so...empty of late. Lacklustre; a bore; meaningless even.
I guess U2 sums it up quite well - "And I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."
So she's coming back tomorrow. So I'm due for a long overdue phone call. Big deal. Doesn't seem to matter anymore. There's an air of...nonchalance around me. Some might deem it as being apathetically self-absorbed, e.g. "I-don't-give-a-damn-about-anything-or-anyone".
I don't know why I've grown cold lately. My best friend might be leaving Singapore next year, and I don't seem to treasure his company or time anymore. Sad, isn't it?
I don't need your sympathy votes, really.
What I need? I really don't know. Life feels so...empty of late. Lacklustre; a bore; meaningless even.
I guess U2 sums it up quite well - "And I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Trials
9 days since my last post.
Much has happened within this period of time, much of which will remain unsaid and confidential. I'm at a crossroad and I've yet to make my decision - which route will I take?
Physically it's been draining - the late nights and all. Coupled with the fact that there have been a maelstrom of emotions that have been rampant across those days, my life doesn't seem any better. Did I mention I'm on a 3 day full fast? Yeah. I'm tired, drained and hungry. They really do complement each other well; the product: a really annoyed Isaac.
I've been asking myself: why do I hold on? It's easier to let go. It's easier to give up and throw everything away. Is it really worth hanging on to? I think it's time my journey to Mount Doom started, and past the Shire and I feel like giving up. It's a long way to redeem myself, and it's a long way to the finish line. What keeps me hanging in there?
And still, I'm one step short of redemption. I've run out of words to express my anguish and present state of mind. Maybe it's the tiredness...
Much has happened within this period of time, much of which will remain unsaid and confidential. I'm at a crossroad and I've yet to make my decision - which route will I take?
Physically it's been draining - the late nights and all. Coupled with the fact that there have been a maelstrom of emotions that have been rampant across those days, my life doesn't seem any better. Did I mention I'm on a 3 day full fast? Yeah. I'm tired, drained and hungry. They really do complement each other well; the product: a really annoyed Isaac.
I've been asking myself: why do I hold on? It's easier to let go. It's easier to give up and throw everything away. Is it really worth hanging on to? I think it's time my journey to Mount Doom started, and past the Shire and I feel like giving up. It's a long way to redeem myself, and it's a long way to the finish line. What keeps me hanging in there?
And still, I'm one step short of redemption. I've run out of words to express my anguish and present state of mind. Maybe it's the tiredness...
Monday, November 21, 2005
Apathetic
Strangely enough, I don't feel anymore.
I don't care anymore.
Sometimes I think things just don't hit home.
I don't show the slightest bit of humane response upon hearing the tragedies of life that different people face and are going through. I think it's time for some soul searching...
I don't care anymore.
Sometimes I think things just don't hit home.
I don't show the slightest bit of humane response upon hearing the tragedies of life that different people face and are going through. I think it's time for some soul searching...
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Brave
So long on status quo
I think I'll just let go
You make me wanna be brave
I think I'll just let go
You make me wanna be brave
Just tired of holding on. Perhaps Charlotte's right. Maybe it's time to move on; holding on will not change anything. People want to be a part of my life, yet I shun them, and refuse to let them fill your place. No one ever will, but I guess it's time to open up.
But really, I think after losing the physical presence, the next best thing to hold on to is the memories of time spent with the person. Yeah, I'm being emotional. So sue me.
No thank you, just a smile.
I couldn't ask for more.
I couldn't ask for more.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
191105
Card written, present bought. I'm prepared to face the day.
And what?! Someone sends me a very amusing message. I think I might just survive today.
Smile and everything will be fine.
And what?! Someone sends me a very amusing message. I think I might just survive today.
Smile and everything will be fine.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Love Abounds
Recent realisations have convinced me that change is not the only constant in life, contrary to popular belief. There is another entity that has been around from the start of time to the very present - love.
Love existed for a sole purpose - relationship(s). The very first of these was between God and Man. God created Adam out of love. And God later created Eve for Adam, in and also for love. Being human and knowing love, or loving for that matter, seem to be inseparable. For as long as we are human, we will love. It does not only apply for the relationship between two or more people. It has grown to be more complicated over the years. We now coin terms like 'meat-lovers, animal-lovers', purposefully establishing the relationship between themselves and an object of desire to be as strong as the relationship between two people in love. And of course, love takes on many forms, and does not comprise of the sole form modernity claims it has - eros. Love is so much more. It goes past the physical, mental/intellectual, emotional and spiritual. It is quasi-modular, and takes on many forms. Some even say it is the embodiment of our souls.
Modernity, and Hollywood, are the main causes of teenage relationships nowadays. With the ever-increasing number of action-romace films to hit the big screen, this combined with a generation that sees catching movies as part of everyday life, spells disaster. Society has often told us to dare to stretch the limits, push the boundaries; nothing is impossible. With that belief contorted and misinterpreted, teenagers attempt to be the star of their own movie, and start their heroic journey... However, I strongly believe teenagers lack the emotional (and mental) capability to handle relationships. Society has accelerated their emotional growth, and many start seeking love upon entering adolescence. Many claim it is puberty in motion, but really, the idea of teenage relationships was not conceived twenty years ago in Asia. But here it is now, ever so prevalent in today's society.
Have you ever looked around you, noticed the number of teenage couples and felt disgusted? I know I have. I often think, "These kids are wasting their life away; they're going to end up hurt, and they might just possibly commit suicide."
But it is so often found in our being in be judgmental and critical of people, things, and situations. We often think we know better, and adopt the protective "it's-for-your-own-good" method. But if love were to be real and true, this would not work.
Love gives, unreservedly. You do not hold back or try just because others tell you you will get hurt. Sadly, that thought is often at the back of our minds. The fear of commitment and giving is the main cause of the demise of many relationships. We fear getting hurt (again) by someone we love, and thus we would rather hold back and not commit, choosing to believe and accept that love is impossible.
Perhaps I seem like I'm contradicting myself, and you might say teenagers who believe that they can give, can love. Perhaps so, but a relationship takes two - we know the other, but do we know ourselves? Do we know what we seek, what we want in another? Often we would focus so much on the other, that we neglect ourselves, and we realise we've wasted the best years of our life away. There is a time for everything, and youth is precious.
And some will always say love eludes them, for they have been hurt so badly, with wounds so deep time will never heal. These are the people who once did love; they loved freely, unreservedly, only to get hurt. It is true - the more you open up, the more you could get hurt. That holds us all back some time or the other. Reality check: we live in a dog-eat-dog world; betrayal and back-stabbing surround us everyday.
So then, how do we love freely?
And more importantly, why do we love?
We love, because He first loved us.
And at the end of the day, it all comes back to Gee-Oh-Dee. Love is God-centred.
*****
But can I, in two days time, be found safe in His Love? Or will I fall because my security is not in Him? These few nights have brought me close to tears on several occasions, and I'm running out of ways to numb the maelstrom of feelings that will soon erupt and cause chaos.
A year back, and things were so fine. A year back, and I did love unreservedly and gave freely. A year back your smile was perfect, innocent, and untainted. But things have come between us, and you never have been that happy anymore. You may be content, but you're not happy. I know you too well.
A year back, and you were thankful for what little I gave. Now I feel that the most costly of all gifts would not appease you. A year ago, you could not sleep without calling to make sure I was fine, and ask how my day went. Now I know you sleep soundlessly without me in your mind. A year ago, I cried when you cried, smiled when you smiled. Now you're smiling when I'm in tears.
It's 1.23am now. Time to cry myself to sleep thinking of you.
(No this post has nothing to do with a romantic relationship. It deals with the loss of something more important than that. Breakups leave you shattered for 3 months; the loss of a best friend leaves you shattered for more...)
Love existed for a sole purpose - relationship(s). The very first of these was between God and Man. God created Adam out of love. And God later created Eve for Adam, in and also for love. Being human and knowing love, or loving for that matter, seem to be inseparable. For as long as we are human, we will love. It does not only apply for the relationship between two or more people. It has grown to be more complicated over the years. We now coin terms like 'meat-lovers, animal-lovers', purposefully establishing the relationship between themselves and an object of desire to be as strong as the relationship between two people in love. And of course, love takes on many forms, and does not comprise of the sole form modernity claims it has - eros. Love is so much more. It goes past the physical, mental/intellectual, emotional and spiritual. It is quasi-modular, and takes on many forms. Some even say it is the embodiment of our souls.
Modernity, and Hollywood, are the main causes of teenage relationships nowadays. With the ever-increasing number of action-romace films to hit the big screen, this combined with a generation that sees catching movies as part of everyday life, spells disaster. Society has often told us to dare to stretch the limits, push the boundaries; nothing is impossible. With that belief contorted and misinterpreted, teenagers attempt to be the star of their own movie, and start their heroic journey... However, I strongly believe teenagers lack the emotional (and mental) capability to handle relationships. Society has accelerated their emotional growth, and many start seeking love upon entering adolescence. Many claim it is puberty in motion, but really, the idea of teenage relationships was not conceived twenty years ago in Asia. But here it is now, ever so prevalent in today's society.
Have you ever looked around you, noticed the number of teenage couples and felt disgusted? I know I have. I often think, "These kids are wasting their life away; they're going to end up hurt, and they might just possibly commit suicide."
But it is so often found in our being in be judgmental and critical of people, things, and situations. We often think we know better, and adopt the protective "it's-for-your-own-good" method. But if love were to be real and true, this would not work.
Love gives, unreservedly. You do not hold back or try just because others tell you you will get hurt. Sadly, that thought is often at the back of our minds. The fear of commitment and giving is the main cause of the demise of many relationships. We fear getting hurt (again) by someone we love, and thus we would rather hold back and not commit, choosing to believe and accept that love is impossible.
Perhaps I seem like I'm contradicting myself, and you might say teenagers who believe that they can give, can love. Perhaps so, but a relationship takes two - we know the other, but do we know ourselves? Do we know what we seek, what we want in another? Often we would focus so much on the other, that we neglect ourselves, and we realise we've wasted the best years of our life away. There is a time for everything, and youth is precious.
And some will always say love eludes them, for they have been hurt so badly, with wounds so deep time will never heal. These are the people who once did love; they loved freely, unreservedly, only to get hurt. It is true - the more you open up, the more you could get hurt. That holds us all back some time or the other. Reality check: we live in a dog-eat-dog world; betrayal and back-stabbing surround us everyday.
So then, how do we love freely?
And more importantly, why do we love?
We love, because He first loved us.
And at the end of the day, it all comes back to Gee-Oh-Dee. Love is God-centred.
*****
But can I, in two days time, be found safe in His Love? Or will I fall because my security is not in Him? These few nights have brought me close to tears on several occasions, and I'm running out of ways to numb the maelstrom of feelings that will soon erupt and cause chaos.
A year back, and things were so fine. A year back, and I did love unreservedly and gave freely. A year back your smile was perfect, innocent, and untainted. But things have come between us, and you never have been that happy anymore. You may be content, but you're not happy. I know you too well.
A year back, and you were thankful for what little I gave. Now I feel that the most costly of all gifts would not appease you. A year ago, you could not sleep without calling to make sure I was fine, and ask how my day went. Now I know you sleep soundlessly without me in your mind. A year ago, I cried when you cried, smiled when you smiled. Now you're smiling when I'm in tears.
It's 1.23am now. Time to cry myself to sleep thinking of you.
(No this post has nothing to do with a romantic relationship. It deals with the loss of something more important than that. Breakups leave you shattered for 3 months; the loss of a best friend leaves you shattered for more...)
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Live the Old Days
I shall lament on how I think my life has changed.
No, I changed my mind.
*****
Charmaine: It's 4/4 now. And no, I don't need you to bother doing it. I already know. I'm such a resourceful person. I dig up info at unearthly hours.
No, I changed my mind.
*****
Charmaine: It's 4/4 now. And no, I don't need you to bother doing it. I already know. I'm such a resourceful person. I dig up info at unearthly hours.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Third week into the holidays...
Well, it's been a rather 'memorable' weekend - Darryl's baptism and certain events on Sunday that occured. Well, across the weekend I'be been struck with a strange feeling. It's that feeling of confusion, and at times amusement, when you try to avoid somebody or a situation, but just as you turn a corner, you meet it/him/her again. To put it across in a more commonly used phrase, I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.
A phone call last night, or rather earlier this morning, made me face up to certain issues that I've been running away from. I guess the person never intended to raise them up, but I guess it's time I face up to reality.
And strangely, I never did realise how what people said could affect me. Not in the 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me' aspect, but rather when people try to bring across a certain...point of view. I just never thought I'd be this easily swayed. No, I'm not going to take drugs or smoke or whatnot. It's...something else. It's light-hearted, to some extent.
For those awaiting another post which makes you think, be patient. I'll type one soon, when I'm in the mood and have the time. (I'm subconsciously admitting I'm blogging for an audience...)
Well, it's been a rather 'memorable' weekend - Darryl's baptism and certain events on Sunday that occured. Well, across the weekend I'be been struck with a strange feeling. It's that feeling of confusion, and at times amusement, when you try to avoid somebody or a situation, but just as you turn a corner, you meet it/him/her again. To put it across in a more commonly used phrase, I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.
A phone call last night, or rather earlier this morning, made me face up to certain issues that I've been running away from. I guess the person never intended to raise them up, but I guess it's time I face up to reality.
And strangely, I never did realise how what people said could affect me. Not in the 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me' aspect, but rather when people try to bring across a certain...point of view. I just never thought I'd be this easily swayed. No, I'm not going to take drugs or smoke or whatnot. It's...something else. It's light-hearted, to some extent.
For those awaiting another post which makes you think, be patient. I'll type one soon, when I'm in the mood and have the time. (I'm subconsciously admitting I'm blogging for an audience...)
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Might vs Magic I
Living in my fantasy world, and I'm at the crossroads of another point in 'make-belief' land. Here's the scenario running through my mind: In a distant far away land, kingdoms battle for land and pride; to be the dominant force in the land. Everyone has a part to play and from young, children have to make the choice between might or magic. For the past two generations, the sword has been strong in the land, and many have been slain by the blade forged in fire. As such, it is totally understandable for the young children to pick might over magic - to wield a sword over spellcasting.
But that is not the case for one soul. Since young, he has always been intrigued by the mystic that shrouds magic in secrecy - the dark/light powers that possess the spirits to destroy or create at will. He has been training for 10 years, but now, the time comes for him to put his skills to the test. He has to leave and make a name for himself - to enter the war of the Seven Kingdoms, where the perennial struggle for power has been going on since the beginning of time.
He wandered out into the woods, and from where he was, he heard the sounds of footsteps in unison. He walks to the edge of the woods, and true enough, the King's army has set forth into yet another battle.
"Why do the poor souls sacrifice themselves for an unending war? Nothing has changed over the past 2 generations. Everyone is just fighting and fighting, for some, it's perhaps to see their faces in the obituaries!" he laughs.
"But this war is...senseless. Unless something breaks the status quo, people will continue to die without a cause."
With this realisation, the young wizard now has a new mission - to discover the weaknesses of each of the other Six Kingdoms, so that the mindless fighting will stop, before more of his friends are lost to a battle seemingly without cause.
*****
That's part one of a series I might not even continue. My writing's really rusty; it's been awhile since I actually wrote narratives. See if you can spot certain ideas that I'm trying to bring across. I borrowed a 'concept' from 1984. Happy reading.
But that is not the case for one soul. Since young, he has always been intrigued by the mystic that shrouds magic in secrecy - the dark/light powers that possess the spirits to destroy or create at will. He has been training for 10 years, but now, the time comes for him to put his skills to the test. He has to leave and make a name for himself - to enter the war of the Seven Kingdoms, where the perennial struggle for power has been going on since the beginning of time.
He wandered out into the woods, and from where he was, he heard the sounds of footsteps in unison. He walks to the edge of the woods, and true enough, the King's army has set forth into yet another battle.
"Why do the poor souls sacrifice themselves for an unending war? Nothing has changed over the past 2 generations. Everyone is just fighting and fighting, for some, it's perhaps to see their faces in the obituaries!" he laughs.
"But this war is...senseless. Unless something breaks the status quo, people will continue to die without a cause."
With this realisation, the young wizard now has a new mission - to discover the weaknesses of each of the other Six Kingdoms, so that the mindless fighting will stop, before more of his friends are lost to a battle seemingly without cause.
*****
That's part one of a series I might not even continue. My writing's really rusty; it's been awhile since I actually wrote narratives. See if you can spot certain ideas that I'm trying to bring across. I borrowed a 'concept' from 1984. Happy reading.
Transient
Almost everything in the world is.
We are not supposed to build our lives on these things, isn't it so? We're supposed to store up things that are eternal. Why then are the foundations of our lives (God aside) the very things we know will decay and rot?
We know our basic foundation is God. Yet there are other things we build and prize our lives upon. No one is exempt from this. We all have 'baggages' that when lost, will make us weep and despair. The humane essentials - love, friendships, relationships, money (to some extent). These things when lost sadden us; some are even driven to extreme states because of what they have lost. We feel our lives are...incomplete and unfulfilled without them.
But the pressing question is why? Is the answer what we're trying to avoid? Being humans, we cannot be separated from humane needs, wants, desires. We need them to live. As much as our physical needs are met by food and water, these are the essential emotional foodsource that feeds our souls. We are humans - more than the physical. We are physical, emotional, spiritual, and, some would argue psychological, entities in one body - a pastiche of complex entities striving to be perfected.
And I do wonder, why is there such a void deep down. Perhaps it's due to the...'incompletion' - the lack of the emotional; the fear to trust, to feel again. Yes, I lead a sad angsty life. Boo hoo. If that's your reaction, then really, go away. Being human is just one step short of perfection, but this step is one that bridges seven storeys and is no small one. Like they say: the higher you are, the harder you fall. I've picked myself up, dusted my cloak, and nursed my wounds. But deep down in the desert of my soul, I know I'm just so dry emotionally. It's been quite some time since I last cried. I feel myself breaking down soon.
And you know what? It's the holidays! I have no end of gloom and misery - such is the price to pay for being me.
We are not supposed to build our lives on these things, isn't it so? We're supposed to store up things that are eternal. Why then are the foundations of our lives (God aside) the very things we know will decay and rot?
We know our basic foundation is God. Yet there are other things we build and prize our lives upon. No one is exempt from this. We all have 'baggages' that when lost, will make us weep and despair. The humane essentials - love, friendships, relationships, money (to some extent). These things when lost sadden us; some are even driven to extreme states because of what they have lost. We feel our lives are...incomplete and unfulfilled without them.
But the pressing question is why? Is the answer what we're trying to avoid? Being humans, we cannot be separated from humane needs, wants, desires. We need them to live. As much as our physical needs are met by food and water, these are the essential emotional foodsource that feeds our souls. We are humans - more than the physical. We are physical, emotional, spiritual, and, some would argue psychological, entities in one body - a pastiche of complex entities striving to be perfected.
And I do wonder, why is there such a void deep down. Perhaps it's due to the...'incompletion' - the lack of the emotional; the fear to trust, to feel again. Yes, I lead a sad angsty life. Boo hoo. If that's your reaction, then really, go away. Being human is just one step short of perfection, but this step is one that bridges seven storeys and is no small one. Like they say: the higher you are, the harder you fall. I've picked myself up, dusted my cloak, and nursed my wounds. But deep down in the desert of my soul, I know I'm just so dry emotionally. It's been quite some time since I last cried. I feel myself breaking down soon.
And you know what? It's the holidays! I have no end of gloom and misery - such is the price to pay for being me.
Cause amd Effect
We all know it, just that more often than not it slips our minds - everything we do has consequences. The effects of our actions vary from end to end of the spectrum. By God's Grace we may be let off lightly, or we could incur the wrath of a 7 generation plague.
I feel I belong to the latter group. I'm still living, paying the debts of something that lives in the past. Why can't sleeping dogs lie and just leave me alone. Why are the ghosts of past mistakes so big and eternal that no matter how far I run, they always find and haunt me?
It's been about a year now, and things look so different. I'm giving myself less than two weeks; then it's over. By the end, it's make or break. But with everything happening around me, the only outcome to is be "broken, shattered inside" - lyrics off Franz Ferdinand.
God, I was always an individualist, and I know there's a time to rely on You. But this? Why? Both outcomes aren't pleasing to You, so why put me through this?
I feel I belong to the latter group. I'm still living, paying the debts of something that lives in the past. Why can't sleeping dogs lie and just leave me alone. Why are the ghosts of past mistakes so big and eternal that no matter how far I run, they always find and haunt me?
It's been about a year now, and things look so different. I'm giving myself less than two weeks; then it's over. By the end, it's make or break. But with everything happening around me, the only outcome to is be "broken, shattered inside" - lyrics off Franz Ferdinand.
God, I was always an individualist, and I know there's a time to rely on You. But this? Why? Both outcomes aren't pleasing to You, so why put me through this?
Monday, November 07, 2005
Nightfall
It's in the stillness of the night - precisely at this hour - that I feel so alive.
I happen to believe I'm nocturnal. I'm wide awake at unearthly hours, and I'm supposed to be in school tomorrow. I guess I can't sleep. Thoughts just keep coming - wave after wave; tirelessly storming the gates of my mind, breaking through each time, causing more chaos, confusion, insecurity. They ravage through the lands, shattering the peace that once was. The towns burn on, with homes and lives being destroyed with each act that desecrates the once sacred and fertile land. Monuments that mark past momentuous milestones lay besieged under the constant and persistent blitz of attackers.
And here we lie under the stars, knowing; wondering what could be.
Do we take our chances while they last, or leave our fate to Destiny?
Oh well. I'm in the mood now. But I really should get some rest. Results, movie, track practice. Dawn's leaving for OBS tomorrow (today actually). Aww, so sad she'll miss certain...events/people (more like one person only).
Random thought: we can only live life if we love life. (Christian principles aside, it does bear truth. Think about it.)
I happen to believe I'm nocturnal. I'm wide awake at unearthly hours, and I'm supposed to be in school tomorrow. I guess I can't sleep. Thoughts just keep coming - wave after wave; tirelessly storming the gates of my mind, breaking through each time, causing more chaos, confusion, insecurity. They ravage through the lands, shattering the peace that once was. The towns burn on, with homes and lives being destroyed with each act that desecrates the once sacred and fertile land. Monuments that mark past momentuous milestones lay besieged under the constant and persistent blitz of attackers.
And here we lie under the stars, knowing; wondering what could be.
Do we take our chances while they last, or leave our fate to Destiny?
Oh well. I'm in the mood now. But I really should get some rest. Results, movie, track practice. Dawn's leaving for OBS tomorrow (today actually). Aww, so sad she'll miss certain...events/people (more like one person only).
Random thought: we can only live life if we love life. (Christian principles aside, it does bear truth. Think about it.)
Thursday, November 03, 2005
On Holiday
Yeah. They've started. It's not something I entirely look forward to. Holidays, ironically, are the times when you feel you wake up to a day of less purpose and objectives. You wake up to the freedom of not knowing what to do. I've been going out the past few days, but I haven't caught any movies of late, although I would have wanted to.
I've been quite passive lately; the realisation that something may soon happen that will tear me asunder between memory and desire. And really, I don't know what to do... I've been in a melancholic state of reflection, and if I had to power to change things, I would. It's tragic I only realised the value of certain things in their absence. For some time, their absence has been filled by the presence of other things in my life, but illusions can only exist for so long. And now I realise certain things really do mean so much more than I would like to admit.
Why I'm going through such torture - the price to pay for being different - I don't know. Really. At times, I do wish for the simple life; the good life. My life is complicated beyond belief - a pastiche of monologues, anecdotes, stories, fairy-tales. It's narrative upon narrative of tragicomical happenings, and I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's the bittersweet quality of life which intrigues me. We go through hurts and pains to know that the next happy moment tastes so much sweeter. Like someone once told me, "Life is full of happy things, you just have to find them."
Sadly, I've lost mine, and it's an irreplaceable loss...
I've been quite passive lately; the realisation that something may soon happen that will tear me asunder between memory and desire. And really, I don't know what to do... I've been in a melancholic state of reflection, and if I had to power to change things, I would. It's tragic I only realised the value of certain things in their absence. For some time, their absence has been filled by the presence of other things in my life, but illusions can only exist for so long. And now I realise certain things really do mean so much more than I would like to admit.
Why I'm going through such torture - the price to pay for being different - I don't know. Really. At times, I do wish for the simple life; the good life. My life is complicated beyond belief - a pastiche of monologues, anecdotes, stories, fairy-tales. It's narrative upon narrative of tragicomical happenings, and I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's the bittersweet quality of life which intrigues me. We go through hurts and pains to know that the next happy moment tastes so much sweeter. Like someone once told me, "Life is full of happy things, you just have to find them."
Sadly, I've lost mine, and it's an irreplaceable loss...
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Distance Barrier
Track today was good, seriously. Well, my first training after the exams, and guess what? Alvin decides to run to East Coast. 6-7km. Ran that in 32minutes, which seems quite okay for now. Did gym and other stuff after that. I'm dead beat, and I know tomorrow I'll wake up aching all over...
6-7km has been one of the longest runs I've had this year. I rarely do above 5km runs because I'm in middle-distance, and 5km is sufficient for stamina training, and speed's more vital in 800m and 1500m. Everyone can last the distance - it's whether you can complete it fast. Something that struck me from the run was how easy it was for me to give up along the route. I could have told Alvin that this wasn't for me, and ran a shorter distance. But somehow, something compelled me to push on; to break that distance barrier that I had set in my mind. The first 3km was a killer, but after winning the psychological battle up there, the next half was a piece of cake. Perseverence and mental determination - they make or break a race, especially middle and long distance ones.
Hmm, plans for tomorrow. Nothing confirmed, except that I'm still highly annoyed at a particular someone. Can anyone do something concrete for once? So many castles in the air without foundation, and sooner or later they'll fall down and bury you under the sea like Atlantis. Why do people propose so many ideas but refuse to work on them?! Goodness. The world is such an annoying place really.
It all boils down to attitude - your's sucks.
6-7km has been one of the longest runs I've had this year. I rarely do above 5km runs because I'm in middle-distance, and 5km is sufficient for stamina training, and speed's more vital in 800m and 1500m. Everyone can last the distance - it's whether you can complete it fast. Something that struck me from the run was how easy it was for me to give up along the route. I could have told Alvin that this wasn't for me, and ran a shorter distance. But somehow, something compelled me to push on; to break that distance barrier that I had set in my mind. The first 3km was a killer, but after winning the psychological battle up there, the next half was a piece of cake. Perseverence and mental determination - they make or break a race, especially middle and long distance ones.
Hmm, plans for tomorrow. Nothing confirmed, except that I'm still highly annoyed at a particular someone. Can anyone do something concrete for once? So many castles in the air without foundation, and sooner or later they'll fall down and bury you under the sea like Atlantis. Why do people propose so many ideas but refuse to work on them?! Goodness. The world is such an annoying place really.
It all boils down to attitude - your's sucks.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Life
I never thought I'd say this, but...
Life sucks.
Seriously. At least mine does. It's become such a drag.
And it's getting harder to hold on to You and all You said... It's so hard to be what other's expect me to be? I'm not a conformist, but that's how it is in certain systems isn't it?
It's at a point where I dare not expect or want anything from anyone anymore. I just get disappointed over and over. I feel the faith I had in people was never repaid. Yes I expect it to. My time and efforts are investments, and I expect a return, or least for certain people to learn and grow. Is that too much? Leading well is hard; too hard sometimes. I'm 15 and sometimes I think no one realises it. As much as they try to treat us as adults, the fact is we aren't. We need time... And here I am paying for someone else's lack of responsibility.
...and at times like this I remember someone and what the person would say. But I don't know that person anymore. We're just strangers now.
Life sucks.
Seriously. At least mine does. It's become such a drag.
And it's getting harder to hold on to You and all You said... It's so hard to be what other's expect me to be? I'm not a conformist, but that's how it is in certain systems isn't it?
It's at a point where I dare not expect or want anything from anyone anymore. I just get disappointed over and over. I feel the faith I had in people was never repaid. Yes I expect it to. My time and efforts are investments, and I expect a return, or least for certain people to learn and grow. Is that too much? Leading well is hard; too hard sometimes. I'm 15 and sometimes I think no one realises it. As much as they try to treat us as adults, the fact is we aren't. We need time... And here I am paying for someone else's lack of responsibility.
...and at times like this I remember someone and what the person would say. But I don't know that person anymore. We're just strangers now.
Three
Edlyn left for Shanghai today. And I totally forgot to drop her an sms or call before she left. I'm such a wonderfully nice person. Oh well, did eventually drop her an sms but she received it only upon touch-down.
Track today was cancelled due to the rain. Argh. Simply annoying. Did run during PE today though. Apparently we should've been playing ball games but due to our terrible fitness level, we had to run. Did 1.9km in less than 8minutes. Rather slow comfortable (almost warm-up) pacing. And somehow I managed to come in first. I should be rewarded for participating in such nonsense; like I definitely am so unfit that I will fail my 2.4km run next year. Right. If I get anything below 9minutes next year I'll scream.
I'm a celebrity. How nice. Classmates are making stupid videos of me in class. I never knew stoning in class was worth filming and making into a movie...
Speaking of school-related issues, I got a 3.67 (and 3.72 with IS) Grade Point Average for my whole year's work. Like, thanks alot you people who love exams. The supposedly little 40% pulled my GPA down by 0.7 at least. I had no As at all, proving that my 40% rubbish marks undid all my work for Math, History, Social Studies, and Geog. Dropped a band just because of one exam. Sciences were alright, GPA of 4 for each of them. I have to choose my combination by tomorrow...
Track today was cancelled due to the rain. Argh. Simply annoying. Did run during PE today though. Apparently we should've been playing ball games but due to our terrible fitness level, we had to run. Did 1.9km in less than 8minutes. Rather slow comfortable (almost warm-up) pacing. And somehow I managed to come in first. I should be rewarded for participating in such nonsense; like I definitely am so unfit that I will fail my 2.4km run next year. Right. If I get anything below 9minutes next year I'll scream.
I'm a celebrity. How nice. Classmates are making stupid videos of me in class. I never knew stoning in class was worth filming and making into a movie...
Speaking of school-related issues, I got a 3.67 (and 3.72 with IS) Grade Point Average for my whole year's work. Like, thanks alot you people who love exams. The supposedly little 40% pulled my GPA down by 0.7 at least. I had no As at all, proving that my 40% rubbish marks undid all my work for Math, History, Social Studies, and Geog. Dropped a band just because of one exam. Sciences were alright, GPA of 4 for each of them. I have to choose my combination by tomorrow...
Monday, October 24, 2005
Four
...more days till the end of term and the start of the two month long holiday.
No, I'm not looking forward to it. Apparently I'm up to my neck in 'other-ness' for the holidays that I have no plans for myself. I've to meet up with my cell members, plan certain outings, confirm whether there is going to be a chalet (much talk, nothing done), and more.
Then there are projects to be completed, and knowing my classmates, they'll only start 3 days before school starts. It's annoying frankly.
Everything around is so chaotic. There seems to be no time for rest at all, despite it being much deserved. And no, friendships in which I once found solace cease to exist. Friends are moving on to different things in life, and our paths no longer cross. Some might literally be moving on...
And there's always the transition to a new ministry - yet another change. I can't be open about how I feel, because as usual, any deviation from excitement is heresy and I will be charged with not setting a good example and misleading other people. I shall just bottle up and drown then, without any air to breathe.
Systems are flawed; some more than others. Why do we even strive for a utopian world? Is there really anything better out there or is it just another illusion? Utopias don't exist, but we always try to hit the next nearest target - being near-perfect. But everything is merely a matter of perspective isn't it?
So many things to say, but I will practice self-censorship.
One day I will move abroad to pursue my dreams. The climate here is simply not for me.
No, I'm not looking forward to it. Apparently I'm up to my neck in 'other-ness' for the holidays that I have no plans for myself. I've to meet up with my cell members, plan certain outings, confirm whether there is going to be a chalet (much talk, nothing done), and more.
Then there are projects to be completed, and knowing my classmates, they'll only start 3 days before school starts. It's annoying frankly.
Everything around is so chaotic. There seems to be no time for rest at all, despite it being much deserved. And no, friendships in which I once found solace cease to exist. Friends are moving on to different things in life, and our paths no longer cross. Some might literally be moving on...
And there's always the transition to a new ministry - yet another change. I can't be open about how I feel, because as usual, any deviation from excitement is heresy and I will be charged with not setting a good example and misleading other people. I shall just bottle up and drown then, without any air to breathe.
Systems are flawed; some more than others. Why do we even strive for a utopian world? Is there really anything better out there or is it just another illusion? Utopias don't exist, but we always try to hit the next nearest target - being near-perfect. But everything is merely a matter of perspective isn't it?
So many things to say, but I will practice self-censorship.
One day I will move abroad to pursue my dreams. The climate here is simply not for me.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Untitled
So I try to hold on to a time when nothing mattered...
Perhaps there is some truth even in the songs we feel are below us.
The world corrupts, and innocence is a value long gone. Strangely enough, I feel drawn to it... Oh well...
Woke at 12 in the afternoon today, after phone calls last night. Certain people send extremely weird smses I swear. _____ & _____. Yeah right. Wasting smses just to send two names, repeated throughout, to me to annoy me. What rubbish.
I feel like going for a run. I feel unfit; I'm becoming fat. How terribly dreadful. I might go pool later. Oh yeah, I need to call Bronson...
Perhaps there is some truth even in the songs we feel are below us.
The world corrupts, and innocence is a value long gone. Strangely enough, I feel drawn to it... Oh well...
Woke at 12 in the afternoon today, after phone calls last night. Certain people send extremely weird smses I swear. _____ & _____. Yeah right. Wasting smses just to send two names, repeated throughout, to me to annoy me. What rubbish.
I feel like going for a run. I feel unfit; I'm becoming fat. How terribly dreadful. I might go pool later. Oh yeah, I need to call Bronson...
Friday, October 21, 2005
Why
Apparently my classmates have a new topic of discussion, and it will apparently last till school ends for the year. Every conversation I overhear involves psycho-analysing some other classmate, and honestly, I find it amusing. Everyone seems to have an innate desire to know more about someone else; to understand and comprehend them; to seek an explanation for every action and word said - being curious is being human, or so they say.
I never really did understand the logic behind doing so. Would understanding anyone help you be a better friend to him or her? Perhaps so. You become more understanding, and empathising once you realise how pitiful they are. You become more accepting when you know their background and culture.
Yet it's gone to the extent of being critical of every single detail. I mean seriously, who tries to psycho-analyse someone over a game of bridge?! Goodness. I never do get my classmates at times. Aspiring to be great in their own way - to be noble, different. Sometimes simplicity is the best option to take...
And for all my classmates' attempts at understanding others, I remain top of the list of people they cannot come close to breaking down. I admit, I've always been complex, complicated; a pastiche of interwoven characteristics bearing polaric extremes. Like I previously mentioned, I enjoy anonymity and secrecy, although privacy is sometime I long for but never get. I simply do not wish to be well read like any other book. I prefer to think I'm above that - the same reason why most ordinary people do not pick up any of Umberto Eco's books, or Italo Calvino's If On A Winter's Night A Traveler. I refuse to be annotated, to be understood by the masses - I am not cheap print. Jonathan has followed me around for the past 5 years, and even he admits he does not know the 'real' me. (Ooh, real. What is real? Simulation and Simulacra. Haha.) I don't think anyone does... Perhaps this is how I hide my insecurities. Everyone has them, even myself. The difference lies in how we approach and deal with them - do we bare them or hide them? I never liked exposing my weaknesses, and that's why I don't trust easily anymore. I don't want to be understood, manipulated, made use of. Not that it's happened before, but control is power, and the draw to control instead of being controlled is one too alluring.
And because of this anonymity, people do fear me. No, I'm not some Dark Lord with a Ring of Power looking to destroy Middle Earth, sadly. There's a fear - one of awe, respect, yet at the same time, dislike - when people do approach me. I guess I'm possibly viewed as arrogant by some people, but I believe I have a cause to be. (Yeah yeah, humility.) Strangely enough, Jane said that there's something about me that...contradicts. Once people know me, it's like an addiction (huh?!) and they press on in curiosity to know more. I never knew that, but maybe it's just her. Haha. But it does hold some truth though. The more distant I try to portray myself, the more people seek an answer to ease their troubled minds. People fear those superior to themselves; it's somewhat natural I think. I think my intellect scared the wits out of Singapore's Brainiest Kid 2005 (who happens to be my brother's classmate and tags his blog). The poor kid refuses to reply now. Heh.
Oh well, more to discover along the way. 15 years of life, and so much to say...
I never really did understand the logic behind doing so. Would understanding anyone help you be a better friend to him or her? Perhaps so. You become more understanding, and empathising once you realise how pitiful they are. You become more accepting when you know their background and culture.
Yet it's gone to the extent of being critical of every single detail. I mean seriously, who tries to psycho-analyse someone over a game of bridge?! Goodness. I never do get my classmates at times. Aspiring to be great in their own way - to be noble, different. Sometimes simplicity is the best option to take...
And for all my classmates' attempts at understanding others, I remain top of the list of people they cannot come close to breaking down. I admit, I've always been complex, complicated; a pastiche of interwoven characteristics bearing polaric extremes. Like I previously mentioned, I enjoy anonymity and secrecy, although privacy is sometime I long for but never get. I simply do not wish to be well read like any other book. I prefer to think I'm above that - the same reason why most ordinary people do not pick up any of Umberto Eco's books, or Italo Calvino's If On A Winter's Night A Traveler. I refuse to be annotated, to be understood by the masses - I am not cheap print. Jonathan has followed me around for the past 5 years, and even he admits he does not know the 'real' me. (Ooh, real. What is real? Simulation and Simulacra. Haha.) I don't think anyone does... Perhaps this is how I hide my insecurities. Everyone has them, even myself. The difference lies in how we approach and deal with them - do we bare them or hide them? I never liked exposing my weaknesses, and that's why I don't trust easily anymore. I don't want to be understood, manipulated, made use of. Not that it's happened before, but control is power, and the draw to control instead of being controlled is one too alluring.
And because of this anonymity, people do fear me. No, I'm not some Dark Lord with a Ring of Power looking to destroy Middle Earth, sadly. There's a fear - one of awe, respect, yet at the same time, dislike - when people do approach me. I guess I'm possibly viewed as arrogant by some people, but I believe I have a cause to be. (Yeah yeah, humility.) Strangely enough, Jane said that there's something about me that...contradicts. Once people know me, it's like an addiction (huh?!) and they press on in curiosity to know more. I never knew that, but maybe it's just her. Haha. But it does hold some truth though. The more distant I try to portray myself, the more people seek an answer to ease their troubled minds. People fear those superior to themselves; it's somewhat natural I think. I think my intellect scared the wits out of Singapore's Brainiest Kid 2005 (who happens to be my brother's classmate and tags his blog). The poor kid refuses to reply now. Heh.
Oh well, more to discover along the way. 15 years of life, and so much to say...
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Classmates
I never did realise it, but after this week, it's only 1 more week together as a CG for us in 2005. In all honesty, I haven't made up my mind as to how to react to this 'shocking news' yet, if that is indeed possible. I don't know how next year will be; how things will change; how people will grow and mature (if ever possible), and I don't want to live in regret again, knowing that I should treasure what I had when I had it. It happened so often along the period of this year, bringing me to tears on more than one occasion where I had to bemoan the loss of something or someone important, that I hold dear still.
I don't know how people live life without looking back, without regrets. How do they make the 'right' decisions in life? If they don't, how do they maintain that positive attitude to take on whatever Change throws their way, and conquer it. Many times I've fallen to Change and her winds of time that bring about a metamorphosis of all things she comes into contact with. I just cannot deal with it. I've been told I hold on too much; give too much of myself. But when faced with that, I ask myself, "Is it worthwhile? Has it been worth my while sacrificing myself for those around me; those that matter?"
It saddens me that for this year, the answer is no. It has not been worthwhile. I'm not craving to be rewarded for what I've done, but sometimes a little appreciation doesn't hurt.
The only two semblances of appreciation would be my birthday cards - one from my cell, the other from close friends. The card from friends still means alot, and I look upon it each time I'm disheartened by things around me; I know people (hopefully) still care. But the card from my cell means more. The little notes on the little card from Clio, Mark Yong, Corinne, Dawn and Fabian have been what kept me going; giving myself for them. I see the potential in them - potential for greatness, despite whatever state they are in now.
Sigh. Today's just been another day of reflection. In spite of my pathetic Term 4 results, I've realised that others have done worse. Not that I'm rejoicing, but more of the fact that there was a chance things could have been alot worse. My hopes aren't set too high, for fear of disappointment, but I'll trust God. Whatever plans He has for me next year, they are perfect. I'm holding on to Jer 29:11, and that verse is, the in words of a friend, amazing.
I don't know how people live life without looking back, without regrets. How do they make the 'right' decisions in life? If they don't, how do they maintain that positive attitude to take on whatever Change throws their way, and conquer it. Many times I've fallen to Change and her winds of time that bring about a metamorphosis of all things she comes into contact with. I just cannot deal with it. I've been told I hold on too much; give too much of myself. But when faced with that, I ask myself, "Is it worthwhile? Has it been worth my while sacrificing myself for those around me; those that matter?"
It saddens me that for this year, the answer is no. It has not been worthwhile. I'm not craving to be rewarded for what I've done, but sometimes a little appreciation doesn't hurt.
The only two semblances of appreciation would be my birthday cards - one from my cell, the other from close friends. The card from friends still means alot, and I look upon it each time I'm disheartened by things around me; I know people (hopefully) still care. But the card from my cell means more. The little notes on the little card from Clio, Mark Yong, Corinne, Dawn and Fabian have been what kept me going; giving myself for them. I see the potential in them - potential for greatness, despite whatever state they are in now.
Sigh. Today's just been another day of reflection. In spite of my pathetic Term 4 results, I've realised that others have done worse. Not that I'm rejoicing, but more of the fact that there was a chance things could have been alot worse. My hopes aren't set too high, for fear of disappointment, but I'll trust God. Whatever plans He has for me next year, they are perfect. I'm holding on to Jer 29:11, and that verse is, the in words of a friend, amazing.
Sixteen
That's the number of movies left to catch during the holidays.
Flightplan was absolutely terrible! Suspense attempts aside, the plot was unrealistic and unclear for most of the show. The build up was so sloth-like I almost fell asleep. And whatever happened to the Arab guy? Why was he mistaken if so?
I'm sorry, but you don't leave things hanging like this in a movie. I hate/detest/abhor/resent deus ex machina endings. Goodness, I don't pay $8 to see Portia find a flaw out of nowhere in the bond made between Shylock and Antonio. It's just stupid, really.
Kids came over today. I realise I have this...affinity with kids, as much as I wish to deny it. I somehow get along with them, understand them. And I realised deep down I care for them, though I mask it pretending to scrutinise and criticise their ways and actions. It's actually more of care and concern which I refuse to explicitly shower on them (or anyone for that matter). Some part of me is just so protective, refusing to let them make mistakes (like wasting $10 on neoprints), and I'm left wondering why.
Really. Why on earth do I have such maternal instincts, so to speak. Why do I care or even bother? I don't need to be affected and disappointed by more people, yet this seems inevitable.
A certain school's exams end tomorrow, supposedly. Certain people seem to be gloating over the fact that exams are soon to be over when really, the results - receiving them and dealing with the waves of trauma and shock that come crashing down upon bitter disappointment; one after another - are the larger obstacles to tackle. It's just so ironic that we often try to chuck away and hide in our memory what we strive so hard for. We live the moment of euphoria, elan, or for others, sadness and grief, before moving on, forgetting that feeling and the grade.
Flightplan was absolutely terrible! Suspense attempts aside, the plot was unrealistic and unclear for most of the show. The build up was so sloth-like I almost fell asleep. And whatever happened to the Arab guy? Why was he mistaken if so?
I'm sorry, but you don't leave things hanging like this in a movie. I hate/detest/abhor/resent deus ex machina endings. Goodness, I don't pay $8 to see Portia find a flaw out of nowhere in the bond made between Shylock and Antonio. It's just stupid, really.
Kids came over today. I realise I have this...affinity with kids, as much as I wish to deny it. I somehow get along with them, understand them. And I realised deep down I care for them, though I mask it pretending to scrutinise and criticise their ways and actions. It's actually more of care and concern which I refuse to explicitly shower on them (or anyone for that matter). Some part of me is just so protective, refusing to let them make mistakes (like wasting $10 on neoprints), and I'm left wondering why.
Really. Why on earth do I have such maternal instincts, so to speak. Why do I care or even bother? I don't need to be affected and disappointed by more people, yet this seems inevitable.
A certain school's exams end tomorrow, supposedly. Certain people seem to be gloating over the fact that exams are soon to be over when really, the results - receiving them and dealing with the waves of trauma and shock that come crashing down upon bitter disappointment; one after another - are the larger obstacles to tackle. It's just so ironic that we often try to chuck away and hide in our memory what we strive so hard for. We live the moment of euphoria, elan, or for others, sadness and grief, before moving on, forgetting that feeling and the grade.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Underachievement
My results are terribly disappointing, that's all I can say.
I think three terms of hard work have just gone down the drain, and I'm left questioning why I always stumble at the final hurdle. It's been that way since Pri 6. The overconfidence perhaps. I swear I have never done so badly in my whole first year in TJ, and I have to mess up my 40% component for my grades.
I'm getting marks between 50-70, which are terribly low. To rub it in, 29/50 for History, a subject I topped for 3 terms. Language Arts was messed up; my essay was a complete failure. I swear if anyone asks about my marks I will strangle the person.
But really, I still cannot get why I don't learn. Why do I always take for granted that what has been will continue 'being'. Why do I assume just because I average a 4.3GPA for the past three terms that it will continue? Very rightly so, it didn't. I mean, I studied, but I know it wasn't my best. It's a total issue of underestimating things I guess? Pride tells me I can get through without giving my best. Oh well. That's going to change.
Only consolation is that I'm 1/3 in class who did not fail any subject, thus my subject combination choices are more open, as I can take anything, if my year's average GPA is above 3, which I seriously hope it is, especially seeing the final term's results.
The only high note of the day was that I managed to score decently for Chinese. But my overall result isn't that good. 53% only. I think I know why - class participation. I don't talk at all in Chinese classes. Oh well. It's 15% of your total marks. That hurts.
And I wonder, if I had actually opted to take my O's, would it have been this disastrous. If it would have been, then thank God for IP. Otherwise... I fairly sure I definitely capable of a 6 for O's, at most an 8. And I would definitely be somewhere else. But I shall stop bemoaning the decisions I've made; even now I do not know if it was the right one. Just trusting in Him to guide me through, and know His Plans for me are perfect.
I think three terms of hard work have just gone down the drain, and I'm left questioning why I always stumble at the final hurdle. It's been that way since Pri 6. The overconfidence perhaps. I swear I have never done so badly in my whole first year in TJ, and I have to mess up my 40% component for my grades.
I'm getting marks between 50-70, which are terribly low. To rub it in, 29/50 for History, a subject I topped for 3 terms. Language Arts was messed up; my essay was a complete failure. I swear if anyone asks about my marks I will strangle the person.
But really, I still cannot get why I don't learn. Why do I always take for granted that what has been will continue 'being'. Why do I assume just because I average a 4.3GPA for the past three terms that it will continue? Very rightly so, it didn't. I mean, I studied, but I know it wasn't my best. It's a total issue of underestimating things I guess? Pride tells me I can get through without giving my best. Oh well. That's going to change.
Only consolation is that I'm 1/3 in class who did not fail any subject, thus my subject combination choices are more open, as I can take anything, if my year's average GPA is above 3, which I seriously hope it is, especially seeing the final term's results.
The only high note of the day was that I managed to score decently for Chinese. But my overall result isn't that good. 53% only. I think I know why - class participation. I don't talk at all in Chinese classes. Oh well. It's 15% of your total marks. That hurts.
And I wonder, if I had actually opted to take my O's, would it have been this disastrous. If it would have been, then thank God for IP. Otherwise... I fairly sure I definitely capable of a 6 for O's, at most an 8. And I would definitely be somewhere else. But I shall stop bemoaning the decisions I've made; even now I do not know if it was the right one. Just trusting in Him to guide me through, and know His Plans for me are perfect.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Abandonment
Just came back from watching The Myth. Was rather good, but I'm not in the mood to write a review. Just wondering why most recent shows that I've seen are autoreflexive. Tolkien's works are copyrighted surely...
Bridge is a wonderful game to pass the time in school. Burnt away three hours playing, and finally headed to IMH. The visit wasn't that bad. I did rather enjoy the time with those people there. It really spoke to me about the things in life we take for granted - the ability to be considered normal was the most poignant. I guess we never really do treasure what we have. I simply cannot imagine myself staying in the same room, doing the same things day after day, yet enjoying it. The nurses told us that the patients really like it when they have visitors - they feel honoured to have people notice them and realise their existence.
And God speaks in the strangest ways. I almost teared there when He said, "I love My People - even them." And I guess what I felt next was all the emotions - the rejection mainly - that those patients felt. Abandoned by their own family for being different, it really does hurt. The thing that annoys me the most is that one week from now, I'll probably forget how that feels and continue living life the same way. Nothing seems to make a large enough impact these days. Sigh...
Bridge is a wonderful game to pass the time in school. Burnt away three hours playing, and finally headed to IMH. The visit wasn't that bad. I did rather enjoy the time with those people there. It really spoke to me about the things in life we take for granted - the ability to be considered normal was the most poignant. I guess we never really do treasure what we have. I simply cannot imagine myself staying in the same room, doing the same things day after day, yet enjoying it. The nurses told us that the patients really like it when they have visitors - they feel honoured to have people notice them and realise their existence.
And God speaks in the strangest ways. I almost teared there when He said, "I love My People - even them." And I guess what I felt next was all the emotions - the rejection mainly - that those patients felt. Abandoned by their own family for being different, it really does hurt. The thing that annoys me the most is that one week from now, I'll probably forget how that feels and continue living life the same way. Nothing seems to make a large enough impact these days. Sigh...
Monday, October 17, 2005
Touch
You know sometimes I think I need to be more...self-centred, so to speak. I find that I give too much of myself at times, and it's killing me, again. I never do learn.
But yet I think I'm going about it wrong. I committing less to so many things, backing out of issues with people I know I can deal with. Why am I so...scared? It's the latest realisation that deep down, there's just that fear to go deeper into any relationship or friendship.
Please no, do not come and annoy me further and ask what's wrong. I just wish for some solitude to clear my head; to clear the air in my head. Everything's been a maelstrom of confusion for the past few weeks - disappointment with the results (performing under my expectations, again), relationship issues with certain people (and not entering into one with others due to that fear again).
What are the root causes of the demise, or in my case, the distancing of the self from friendships? Why don't we dare to believe in others; dare to trust them? I guess it's a security issue, where we fear we get hurt again. It's so prevalent in this world.
And friendships are getting colder instead of warmer, more mechanical instead of intimate. This stems from the fact that we're omitting one key sensorial part of ourselves - touch. Why does a single act of touching someone lead to thoughts of something erotic or sexual? Why can't we hold the hands of those we love, look them in the eye and say we'll be there for them without having the fear of being misunderstood?
It's not sexuality or sensuality, but rather, an innate human need. We craved as children to be picked up, to feel the warmth of embrace; to feel loved. That is essentially it. Touch - it goes beyond any connection made, yet it is so simple. We want to feel the warmth - the lifesource - of another. It is a language in itself - one that transcends the signifier and the signified - with it's own grammar, vocabulary, and rules. Some say it embodies love itself.
"It is the sense of touch, in a city you walk, you brush past people and people bump into you. In LA nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. It is that sense of touch. I think we miss that so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something."
Lines from the opening scenes of Crash which we caught a glimpse of. And I guess it's true. We hide behind metal and glass, ever so numb and afraid to feel life. We see life, hear life, taste life, smell life, but we don't feel life - that's why we never live life. So what do we fear? We fear we will not be touched in return. That's why we hide behind metal and glass...
But yet I think I'm going about it wrong. I committing less to so many things, backing out of issues with people I know I can deal with. Why am I so...scared? It's the latest realisation that deep down, there's just that fear to go deeper into any relationship or friendship.
Please no, do not come and annoy me further and ask what's wrong. I just wish for some solitude to clear my head; to clear the air in my head. Everything's been a maelstrom of confusion for the past few weeks - disappointment with the results (performing under my expectations, again), relationship issues with certain people (and not entering into one with others due to that fear again).
What are the root causes of the demise, or in my case, the distancing of the self from friendships? Why don't we dare to believe in others; dare to trust them? I guess it's a security issue, where we fear we get hurt again. It's so prevalent in this world.
And friendships are getting colder instead of warmer, more mechanical instead of intimate. This stems from the fact that we're omitting one key sensorial part of ourselves - touch. Why does a single act of touching someone lead to thoughts of something erotic or sexual? Why can't we hold the hands of those we love, look them in the eye and say we'll be there for them without having the fear of being misunderstood?
It's not sexuality or sensuality, but rather, an innate human need. We craved as children to be picked up, to feel the warmth of embrace; to feel loved. That is essentially it. Touch - it goes beyond any connection made, yet it is so simple. We want to feel the warmth - the lifesource - of another. It is a language in itself - one that transcends the signifier and the signified - with it's own grammar, vocabulary, and rules. Some say it embodies love itself.
"It is the sense of touch, in a city you walk, you brush past people and people bump into you. In LA nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. It is that sense of touch. I think we miss that so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something."
Lines from the opening scenes of Crash which we caught a glimpse of. And I guess it's true. We hide behind metal and glass, ever so numb and afraid to feel life. We see life, hear life, taste life, smell life, but we don't feel life - that's why we never live life. So what do we fear? We fear we will not be touched in return. That's why we hide behind metal and glass...
Beach Clean-ups and Coffee Beans
My title's interesting. BC and CB. Get it? If not nevermind... It's absolutely nonsensical, but it's not my fault that I have a Bio presentation to work on during the post-exam period. It's madness, and I respond accordingly.
Back to the post, had to clean the beach at East Coast Park for CIP today. Kenneth, Jonathan and I just walked around, picked up two beer cans, a pair of slippers and several planks of wood (our bags were really heavy, so we looked like we picked up alot of thrash) before heading to Coffee Bean for breakfast. You can't blame us. We had to compete with swarms of CHIJ Kellock and Temasek Secondary people attack the beach with thongs in one hand and garbage bags in the other. (Please don't be an idiot and interpret this the sick and twisted way like the majority of people who heard me say this earlier in the day...) When we arrived, there was barely anything left, so yeah. We did try you know.
After 45minutes of meaningless conversation, guess who drops by Coffee Bean? Our dear teachers; they too needed a bite to eat. And Kenneth tried to predict what Marcus Tan would do to us when he saw us. Speculation gets nowhere, and everything does not go as planned, resulting in Kenneth saying, "We're here because we're on shifts and we're not on duty now - like policemen." I mean, like policemen?! Very good analogy.
CIP after school hours should be banned! I am so not going to IMH tomorrow at 1pm! I want to watch Corpse Bride! I have nothing against spending time with the patients, honestly. I have an issue with missing a movie. 18 more to go.
Goal was good. Into The Blue was rubbish. Let's see where Corpse Bride stands.
I'm feeling on top of the world. I wonder why... It's good to be back up here.
Back to the post, had to clean the beach at East Coast Park for CIP today. Kenneth, Jonathan and I just walked around, picked up two beer cans, a pair of slippers and several planks of wood (our bags were really heavy, so we looked like we picked up alot of thrash) before heading to Coffee Bean for breakfast. You can't blame us. We had to compete with swarms of CHIJ Kellock and Temasek Secondary people attack the beach with thongs in one hand and garbage bags in the other. (Please don't be an idiot and interpret this the sick and twisted way like the majority of people who heard me say this earlier in the day...) When we arrived, there was barely anything left, so yeah. We did try you know.
After 45minutes of meaningless conversation, guess who drops by Coffee Bean? Our dear teachers; they too needed a bite to eat. And Kenneth tried to predict what Marcus Tan would do to us when he saw us. Speculation gets nowhere, and everything does not go as planned, resulting in Kenneth saying, "We're here because we're on shifts and we're not on duty now - like policemen." I mean, like policemen?! Very good analogy.
CIP after school hours should be banned! I am so not going to IMH tomorrow at 1pm! I want to watch Corpse Bride! I have nothing against spending time with the patients, honestly. I have an issue with missing a movie. 18 more to go.
Goal was good. Into The Blue was rubbish. Let's see where Corpse Bride stands.
I'm feeling on top of the world. I wonder why... It's good to be back up here.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Plasma Television Sets
Last day of the weekend. Will be heading down to Jeann's place after breakfast to marvel at the new plasma television set. How weird.
"They're coming over to see the new plasma tv."
I rolled my eyes. Seriously. Oh well, whatever fascinates them.
Post-cell events are often...eventful. Heh. Weird things do happen at Macs, and it's not the first time too. Oh well.
There's more to be said, but ironically, freedom of speech is not granted if it portrays others in a bad light. But then again, aren't we given the freedom to feel aggrieved, incensed, annoyed? Aren't we given the freedom to question why? Yeah sure, the tone and motive behind questioning why is the key factor in determining dissent or curiosity. More so, the decision is so unpopular that any opposition is called an act of dissent.
Such is the hold that keeps the discipline in where we stand.
"They're coming over to see the new plasma tv."
I rolled my eyes. Seriously. Oh well, whatever fascinates them.
Post-cell events are often...eventful. Heh. Weird things do happen at Macs, and it's not the first time too. Oh well.
There's more to be said, but ironically, freedom of speech is not granted if it portrays others in a bad light. But then again, aren't we given the freedom to feel aggrieved, incensed, annoyed? Aren't we given the freedom to question why? Yeah sure, the tone and motive behind questioning why is the key factor in determining dissent or curiosity. More so, the decision is so unpopular that any opposition is called an act of dissent.
Such is the hold that keeps the discipline in where we stand.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Failure
So no one tells me there's no LCell today, when a certain email said so. Waste of time heading down to church, really. So much for being responsible. Certain people refuse to pick up their phones, so yeah.
I'm contemplating not going for cell tomorrow as part of a plot of revenge. Childish, insane, whatever. I'm serious.
I never knew today was someone's birthday. How weird. And why and how am I supposed to know? Everyone made it seem like I'm this ignorant, self-centred person who doesn't remember someone's birthday and broke someone's heart. Yeah right. I didn't even know. No one told me. So I'm supposed to find out, when I'm not even playing a part of this? So much for intellect.
Open House was alright. Whole lot of VS Track & Field people came down. Heh. Thing is, if they do well, they would obviously go to VJ. If they do badly, but are good, they appeal to VJ and still get in. So we're left with second choice people. How sad.
Average GPA for my Sciences is 3.0 - the bare mininum needed to take triple Science next year. Then again, I'm probably going for the Humanities. My exam marks are absolutely sub-par and disgusting. I passed, I did better than most; but I did not meet my own standards. I mean, so what if you beat people who are average? You need to aim further to get further. Competing with them gives me no kick really. Then again, there are smarter people than them in IP, whom I've yet to really challenge and match. Maybe it's because I'm getting apathetic with the 'heck care' attitude. I swear it's part of being a teenager. Argh.
It's been a bad day, and a bad week, I think. Looking forward to my talk with Twin after cell tomorrow. Yes, I'm going for cell, obviously. I don't neglect 'priorities' (ha, right) in life.
I'm contemplating not going for cell tomorrow as part of a plot of revenge. Childish, insane, whatever. I'm serious.
I never knew today was someone's birthday. How weird. And why and how am I supposed to know? Everyone made it seem like I'm this ignorant, self-centred person who doesn't remember someone's birthday and broke someone's heart. Yeah right. I didn't even know. No one told me. So I'm supposed to find out, when I'm not even playing a part of this? So much for intellect.
Open House was alright. Whole lot of VS Track & Field people came down. Heh. Thing is, if they do well, they would obviously go to VJ. If they do badly, but are good, they appeal to VJ and still get in. So we're left with second choice people. How sad.
Average GPA for my Sciences is 3.0 - the bare mininum needed to take triple Science next year. Then again, I'm probably going for the Humanities. My exam marks are absolutely sub-par and disgusting. I passed, I did better than most; but I did not meet my own standards. I mean, so what if you beat people who are average? You need to aim further to get further. Competing with them gives me no kick really. Then again, there are smarter people than them in IP, whom I've yet to really challenge and match. Maybe it's because I'm getting apathetic with the 'heck care' attitude. I swear it's part of being a teenager. Argh.
It's been a bad day, and a bad week, I think. Looking forward to my talk with Twin after cell tomorrow. Yes, I'm going for cell, obviously. I don't neglect 'priorities' (ha, right) in life.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Boredom Kills
Really. It drove me to the point of desperation, resulting in my doing this. Got this off Edlyn's blog.
But before that, let's outline my schedule of things to do tomorrow:
-swimming PE
-games in school
-returning of Bio Paper
-TJC Open House (man the Track & Field Booth)
-visit the opening of Mark's mum's shop
-go for LCell
It's a busy day. Arghh. I might just miss LCell. Should I? It's a rush there really. Hmmm...
Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. Get my autobiography published.
2. Free myself from the teenage phase of my life. Ha.
3. Travel the world, experiencing new cultures.
4. Play professional pool. (Yeah right.)
5. To live life to the fullest - without regrets.
6. Become a teacher.
7. Fulfill God's Plan for my life.
Seven things I could do:
1. Sleep now.
2. Read my trilogy of borrowed books. (Of which I've only touched one book.)
3. Write my biodata on Michelle's farewell/graduation card.
4. Write poetry.
5. Watch the telly.
6. Go to J8 to see what shops are left open.
7. Start an sms/MSN conversation.
Seven Celebrity likes:
1. Ashton Kutcher.
2. Chris Evans.
3. Tom Cruise.
4. Anthony Hopkins.
5. Ian McKellen.
6. Christopher Lee. (Not the Chinese one... Duh.)
7. Myself, of course. (Yeah, go ahead, conclude I'm gay. Sure.)
Seven often repeated words:
1. Uhhuhh.
2. Riiight.
3. Haha.
4. Fwah. (It's a word, believe me.)
5. Yeah.
6. Nong.
7. Shoots.
Seven physical traits I look for in the opposite sex (superficial, but oh well... hmm...):
1. Nice eyes.
2. Height. (No short people. Eat your heart out Melanie. Ha.)
3. Figure. (Err, not fat? As in really fat, not skinny anorexic girls who think they're fat. And definitely not skinnier than me!)
4. Hair. (No fritzy hair. I'm not Shawn. Disgusting.)
5. Not muscular/body-builder-ish. (I'm not Yong Jin. Disgusting, again.)
6. Legs. (It's a track thing I think. I have beautiful legs. Be jealous.)
7. Smile. (Go figure...)
10 REALLY RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME
1. I'm have about one tree's worth of paper on my table.
2. I'm listening to Speed of Sound for the 48th time on iTunes now.
3. I sleep on the journey home everytime, unless disturbed.
4. I have Pringles next to my bed.
5. I use 0.38mm pens to write; matches my minute handwriting.
6. I need to buy a new iPod/Nano.
7. I'm ambidexterous. (I seem to be losing my ability to write with my left hand though. Argh.)
8. If I could be anybody, I'd be God. (Being all knowing would help make alot of things clearer.)
9. I detest people asking me whether I'm okay.
10. I think having a crush is stupid. (Ha.)
9 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART (oh the irony...)
1. Be smart/intellectual.
2. Do not act like an attention-seeking retard.
3. Call me, I enjoy teleconversations compared to MSN.
4. Common interests I guess.
5. Match my level of wit and sarcasm.
6. Be physically active. (Exercise! What were you thinking?! Goodness... Fat people are a turn-off.)
7. Be accomodating, understanding; I do have random mood-swings.
8. Be really sweet, nice, and smile.
9. Be [insert name here]. (I bet you can't fulfill this! I don't even know what I'm talking about. Maybe I do. Go figure.)
8 THINGS I CARRY / WEAR EVERYDAY
1. Spectacles.
2. Handphone.
3. Watch.
4. Clothes.
5. Shoes.
6. Deuter bag (either one).
7. Wallet.
8. Tissue paper? (I ran out of thing, so it's the first thing I saw.)
7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME
1. People who do not speak fluent/good/coherent English. (e.g. "I want go toilet.")
2. People who type lyk dis.. lolx.. hahaz..
3. People asking whether I'm okay.
4. Messed up wireless internet connections that interrupt my MSN conversations.
5. Math teachers that expect you to give reasons and complete workings for every question in an exam.
6. People who act sophisticated and try to blog about philosophical issues when they actually have no idea what on earth they're rambling about / People who post rebuttals to tags that contradict themselves and make themselves look extremely stupid.
7. People who mug their butts off and tell you that they're going to fail.
6 PLACES I'VE VISITED (lower case) OR INTEND TO (upper case)
1. China
2. Japan
3. Australia
4. SWITZERLAND
5. THE BAHAMAS
6. NEW ZEALAND (LOTR filmsite.)
5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
Didn't I answer this above?
4 THINGS I'M AFRAID OF
1. Loneliness (human condition...)
2. Not meeting my expectations.
3. Losing people that matter.
4. People who know too much about me.
3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY
1. Think.
2. Breathe.
3. Talk.
2 THINGS I'M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW
1. Eat.
2. Remember what I have to do by tomorrow.
1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE NOW
1. (insert name). Go figure. It's my answer when I have no answer. Use your imagination.
But before that, let's outline my schedule of things to do tomorrow:
-swimming PE
-games in school
-returning of Bio Paper
-TJC Open House (man the Track & Field Booth)
-visit the opening of Mark's mum's shop
-go for LCell
It's a busy day. Arghh. I might just miss LCell. Should I? It's a rush there really. Hmmm...
Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. Get my autobiography published.
2. Free myself from the teenage phase of my life. Ha.
3. Travel the world, experiencing new cultures.
4. Play professional pool. (Yeah right.)
5. To live life to the fullest - without regrets.
6. Become a teacher.
7. Fulfill God's Plan for my life.
Seven things I could do:
1. Sleep now.
2. Read my trilogy of borrowed books. (Of which I've only touched one book.)
3. Write my biodata on Michelle's farewell/graduation card.
4. Write poetry.
5. Watch the telly.
6. Go to J8 to see what shops are left open.
7. Start an sms/MSN conversation.
Seven Celebrity likes:
1. Ashton Kutcher.
2. Chris Evans.
3. Tom Cruise.
4. Anthony Hopkins.
5. Ian McKellen.
6. Christopher Lee. (Not the Chinese one... Duh.)
7. Myself, of course. (Yeah, go ahead, conclude I'm gay. Sure.)
Seven often repeated words:
1. Uhhuhh.
2. Riiight.
3. Haha.
4. Fwah. (It's a word, believe me.)
5. Yeah.
6. Nong.
7. Shoots.
Seven physical traits I look for in the opposite sex (superficial, but oh well... hmm...):
1. Nice eyes.
2. Height. (No short people. Eat your heart out Melanie. Ha.)
3. Figure. (Err, not fat? As in really fat, not skinny anorexic girls who think they're fat. And definitely not skinnier than me!)
4. Hair. (No fritzy hair. I'm not Shawn. Disgusting.)
5. Not muscular/body-builder-ish. (I'm not Yong Jin. Disgusting, again.)
6. Legs. (It's a track thing I think. I have beautiful legs. Be jealous.)
7. Smile. (Go figure...)
10 REALLY RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME
1. I'm have about one tree's worth of paper on my table.
2. I'm listening to Speed of Sound for the 48th time on iTunes now.
3. I sleep on the journey home everytime, unless disturbed.
4. I have Pringles next to my bed.
5. I use 0.38mm pens to write; matches my minute handwriting.
6. I need to buy a new iPod/Nano.
7. I'm ambidexterous. (I seem to be losing my ability to write with my left hand though. Argh.)
8. If I could be anybody, I'd be God. (Being all knowing would help make alot of things clearer.)
9. I detest people asking me whether I'm okay.
10. I think having a crush is stupid. (Ha.)
9 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART (oh the irony...)
1. Be smart/intellectual.
2. Do not act like an attention-seeking retard.
3. Call me, I enjoy teleconversations compared to MSN.
4. Common interests I guess.
5. Match my level of wit and sarcasm.
6. Be physically active. (Exercise! What were you thinking?! Goodness... Fat people are a turn-off.)
7. Be accomodating, understanding; I do have random mood-swings.
8. Be really sweet, nice, and smile.
9. Be [insert name here]. (I bet you can't fulfill this! I don't even know what I'm talking about. Maybe I do. Go figure.)
8 THINGS I CARRY / WEAR EVERYDAY
1. Spectacles.
2. Handphone.
3. Watch.
4. Clothes.
5. Shoes.
6. Deuter bag (either one).
7. Wallet.
8. Tissue paper? (I ran out of thing, so it's the first thing I saw.)
7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME
1. People who do not speak fluent/good/coherent English. (e.g. "I want go toilet.")
2. People who type lyk dis.. lolx.. hahaz..
3. People asking whether I'm okay.
4. Messed up wireless internet connections that interrupt my MSN conversations.
5. Math teachers that expect you to give reasons and complete workings for every question in an exam.
6. People who act sophisticated and try to blog about philosophical issues when they actually have no idea what on earth they're rambling about / People who post rebuttals to tags that contradict themselves and make themselves look extremely stupid.
7. People who mug their butts off and tell you that they're going to fail.
6 PLACES I'VE VISITED (lower case) OR INTEND TO (upper case)
1. China
2. Japan
3. Australia
4. SWITZERLAND
5. THE BAHAMAS
6. NEW ZEALAND (LOTR filmsite.)
5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
Didn't I answer this above?
4 THINGS I'M AFRAID OF
1. Loneliness (human condition...)
2. Not meeting my expectations.
3. Losing people that matter.
4. People who know too much about me.
3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY
1. Think.
2. Breathe.
3. Talk.
2 THINGS I'M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW
1. Eat.
2. Remember what I have to do by tomorrow.
1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE NOW
1. (insert name). Go figure. It's my answer when I have no answer. Use your imagination.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
A Shared Experience
Loneliness is a shared experience. That's the thought of the day for you people out there. It's true! Reading through several adolescents' blogs, 4/5 will whine and complain about how messed up life is; how no one seems to care, seems to understand them; how they need to seek someone to be with.
There's nothing wrong honestly with it. I guess you could say, generally speaking, that we all seek to be understood. (Go write more then.) But it's the way they all come across in their various pitiful angsty ways.
Some idealists believe that friendships can be without a motive or hidden agenda, and seek that kind of friend. But realistically, can that ever happen? Can a friend truly accept you for you in today's world? Think about it. Society is ever becoming a dog-eat-dog one, and people stab you in the back all the time. To be without a motive or agenda is to be without a purpose and expectation - these cannot be dispelled from any relationship, or it will be pointless. You cannot have a 'friend' who is not expected to talk to you, meet up with you, care for you. It's subtle, but we do want that. Maybe that was extreme, and people want the basics. But isn't that still a form of expectation?
I'm not saying that 'real, true friends' don't exist. I'm asking you to prove me wrong. Everyone has agendas; myself not exempted.
There's nothing wrong honestly with it. I guess you could say, generally speaking, that we all seek to be understood. (Go write more then.) But it's the way they all come across in their various pitiful angsty ways.
Some idealists believe that friendships can be without a motive or hidden agenda, and seek that kind of friend. But realistically, can that ever happen? Can a friend truly accept you for you in today's world? Think about it. Society is ever becoming a dog-eat-dog one, and people stab you in the back all the time. To be without a motive or agenda is to be without a purpose and expectation - these cannot be dispelled from any relationship, or it will be pointless. You cannot have a 'friend' who is not expected to talk to you, meet up with you, care for you. It's subtle, but we do want that. Maybe that was extreme, and people want the basics. But isn't that still a form of expectation?
I'm not saying that 'real, true friends' don't exist. I'm asking you to prove me wrong. Everyone has agendas; myself not exempted.
F Maths II
56/100. Unbelievable really. For Maths, that is.
Would anyone want to tell me why I'm expected to write every step of my working to get my works? Can anyone tell me why I have to explain why (square root x) cannot be negative? Argh.
What kind of Math Paper has comments like 'why?', or 'explain why ______', or 'how is this so?' It's not some comprehension passage. I got the answer right! But no, I have over 20-30 marks deducted for WORKING MARKS!
The best comment was something like 'Area of what?' because I wrote 'Area = ... ... ... = something', but no, you must write 'Area of Figure ABCDE = ...' What on earth!
Thank God for the rather enjoyable hip-hop workshop thing. I can dance, believe it. Stop staring in disbelief you jealous pigs out there.
Classroom class-up was rubbish.
I really needed to let my thoughts out. 56 for Math is disgusting, revolting, and (insert string of synonyms here). And the thing is many people got higher than me, which is rare. I think my Math supremacy is fading.
Would anyone want to tell me why I'm expected to write every step of my working to get my works? Can anyone tell me why I have to explain why (square root x) cannot be negative? Argh.
What kind of Math Paper has comments like 'why?', or 'explain why ______', or 'how is this so?' It's not some comprehension passage. I got the answer right! But no, I have over 20-30 marks deducted for WORKING MARKS!
The best comment was something like 'Area of what?' because I wrote 'Area = ... ... ... = something', but no, you must write 'Area of Figure ABCDE = ...' What on earth!
Thank God for the rather enjoyable hip-hop workshop thing. I can dance, believe it. Stop staring in disbelief you jealous pigs out there.
Classroom class-up was rubbish.
I really needed to let my thoughts out. 56 for Math is disgusting, revolting, and (insert string of synonyms here). And the thing is many people got higher than me, which is rare. I think my Math supremacy is fading.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Flight
Learn to Fly
by A1
When you feel the dream is over
Feel the world is on your shoulders
And you lost the strength to carry on
Even though the walls may crumble
And you find you always stumble through
Remember never to surrender to the dark
Cuz if you turn another page
You will see that’s not the way
The story has to end
And if you need to find a way back
Feel you’re on the wrong track
Give it time, you’ll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
And you will find your own way
You’ll be stronger with each tear that you cry
Then you’ll learn to fly
In your head, so many questions
The truth is your possession
The answer lies within your heart (within your heart)
You will see the doors are open
If you only dare to hope and you
will find a way to fight
The fears that kept you down
Cuz if you turn another page
You will see that’s not the way
The story has to end
And if you need to find a way back
Feel you’re on the wrong track
Give it time, you’ll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
And you will find your own way
You’ll be stronger with each tear that you cry
Then you’ll learn to fly
Looking at your situation
There’s so much that you can do
Now’s the time to make your stand
This is just an observation
In the end it’s up to you
The future’s in your hands
And if you need to find a way back
Feel you’re on the wrong track
Give it time, you’ll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
And you will find your own way
You’ll be stronger with each tear that you cry
Then you’ll learn to fly
Give it time
Then you’ll learn to fly
by A1
When you feel the dream is over
Feel the world is on your shoulders
And you lost the strength to carry on
Even though the walls may crumble
And you find you always stumble through
Remember never to surrender to the dark
Cuz if you turn another page
You will see that’s not the way
The story has to end
And if you need to find a way back
Feel you’re on the wrong track
Give it time, you’ll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
And you will find your own way
You’ll be stronger with each tear that you cry
Then you’ll learn to fly
In your head, so many questions
The truth is your possession
The answer lies within your heart (within your heart)
You will see the doors are open
If you only dare to hope and you
will find a way to fight
The fears that kept you down
Cuz if you turn another page
You will see that’s not the way
The story has to end
And if you need to find a way back
Feel you’re on the wrong track
Give it time, you’ll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
And you will find your own way
You’ll be stronger with each tear that you cry
Then you’ll learn to fly
Looking at your situation
There’s so much that you can do
Now’s the time to make your stand
This is just an observation
In the end it’s up to you
The future’s in your hands
And if you need to find a way back
Feel you’re on the wrong track
Give it time, you’ll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
And you will find your own way
You’ll be stronger with each tear that you cry
Then you’ll learn to fly
Give it time
Then you’ll learn to fly
Chemistry
Isaac has many valence electrons and can react with many other elements. The bonds between Isaac and other elements are ionic and thus, strong.
Haha. Okay, I shall stop my rubbish extended metaphor. Go figure what that means.
Haha. Okay, I shall stop my rubbish extended metaphor. Go figure what that means.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Trilogy
There's Bio, Chem and Physics papers tomorrow. The mother of all killer days decides to come forth on the penulimate day of the exams. The last papers happen to be Chinese Papers 1 and 2, which is not that encouraging either.
So after waking up at 11.30am, studying, sleeping, gong for dinner, coming back only to fall asleep and wake up at 9.30pm, I finally feel that I've gone through my notes sufficiently to get a decent grade (meaning nothing less than an A). I have high expectations - both of myself and of others.
Yesterday was just a terrible day, save the fact that I managed to borrow 3 books in the midst of my exams - This I Believe (Fuentes), Discworld (Pratchett) and The Ground Beneath Her Feet (Rushdie). Don't know the authors? I didn't expect so. And Sam, yes I know you have rows and shelves of Pratchett! And the books were extremely bulky, which resulted in a very fat Deuter bag on my back. I'm at present 1/6 through This I Believe. I wonder if I'm able to finish the trilogy of borrowed material in two weeks.
Church is full of surprises, honestly. I walk into the Red Rooms for combined cell, and I'm told to lead gel. Given my 5 minutes of thought-preparation, I somehow managed to turn the most dull of games (dog-and-bone, like what the...) into an enjoyable game in the midst of everyone's exams. Bronson, get out! You're not everyone. You're invisible, so don't tell me SJI ended their exams last week.
The McDonald's experience involving a certain no-brainer named Justin Lu resulted in me realising (only now, sadly) that people with the intellect, maturity, and sensibility of a walnut are responsible for gang-fights in Singapore. Really. He apparently got pissed off just because some unknown person looked at him or goodness knows what. He proceeds to call his 'gang' with the following conversation over the phone.
"Eh brother! You know ah, just now some idiot, he stare at me you know! You all can come down now anot? Bring one lorry all come down. Beat him up ah! ... ..."
I swear if I had spiked my drink more I might have just resorted to physical violence. But as near-perfect creatures like myself are clearly juxtaposed in this scenario, I merely hurled a barrage of verbal gas-grenades at him, confusing the already poor tormented soul, before telling Kah Fei what was going on.
Got home at 11.30pm because dearest Nicholas Ng had to eat 3 McChickens to celebrate the end of his promos. Sheesh. And from the phone call with Dawn, I realised that girls are actually somehow observant. I mean, they observe things other than guys. (Keep your eyes off me.) They observe other girls! How intriguing. I have no idea what for. But yeah, she kind of confirmed my suspicions. So it takes the total tally up to...0 < x < 8. That's the range. Go figure.
Why I'm so popular I have no idea. I don't publicly flaunt my radiance in front of everyone so they notice me. They just do I guess?
And it's not something I like honestly. It gives me yet another headache trying to figure things out. There are certain things that you cannot do once you possess that knowledge, if you get my drift.
I must clarify, this post was not meant to promote my popularity, as much as I am loved.
My availability status shall not be revealed. I'm not that insecure to tell everyone I'm single and looking. If I had to, I'd say single and waiting to be looked up. So yeah.
So after waking up at 11.30am, studying, sleeping, gong for dinner, coming back only to fall asleep and wake up at 9.30pm, I finally feel that I've gone through my notes sufficiently to get a decent grade (meaning nothing less than an A). I have high expectations - both of myself and of others.
Yesterday was just a terrible day, save the fact that I managed to borrow 3 books in the midst of my exams - This I Believe (Fuentes), Discworld (Pratchett) and The Ground Beneath Her Feet (Rushdie). Don't know the authors? I didn't expect so. And Sam, yes I know you have rows and shelves of Pratchett! And the books were extremely bulky, which resulted in a very fat Deuter bag on my back. I'm at present 1/6 through This I Believe. I wonder if I'm able to finish the trilogy of borrowed material in two weeks.
Church is full of surprises, honestly. I walk into the Red Rooms for combined cell, and I'm told to lead gel. Given my 5 minutes of thought-preparation, I somehow managed to turn the most dull of games (dog-and-bone, like what the...) into an enjoyable game in the midst of everyone's exams. Bronson, get out! You're not everyone. You're invisible, so don't tell me SJI ended their exams last week.
The McDonald's experience involving a certain no-brainer named Justin Lu resulted in me realising (only now, sadly) that people with the intellect, maturity, and sensibility of a walnut are responsible for gang-fights in Singapore. Really. He apparently got pissed off just because some unknown person looked at him or goodness knows what. He proceeds to call his 'gang' with the following conversation over the phone.
"Eh brother! You know ah, just now some idiot, he stare at me you know! You all can come down now anot? Bring one lorry all come down. Beat him up ah! ... ..."
I swear if I had spiked my drink more I might have just resorted to physical violence. But as near-perfect creatures like myself are clearly juxtaposed in this scenario, I merely hurled a barrage of verbal gas-grenades at him, confusing the already poor tormented soul, before telling Kah Fei what was going on.
Got home at 11.30pm because dearest Nicholas Ng had to eat 3 McChickens to celebrate the end of his promos. Sheesh. And from the phone call with Dawn, I realised that girls are actually somehow observant. I mean, they observe things other than guys. (Keep your eyes off me.) They observe other girls! How intriguing. I have no idea what for. But yeah, she kind of confirmed my suspicions. So it takes the total tally up to...0 < x < 8. That's the range. Go figure.
Why I'm so popular I have no idea. I don't publicly flaunt my radiance in front of everyone so they notice me. They just do I guess?
And it's not something I like honestly. It gives me yet another headache trying to figure things out. There are certain things that you cannot do once you possess that knowledge, if you get my drift.
I must clarify, this post was not meant to promote my popularity, as much as I am loved.
My availability status shall not be revealed. I'm not that insecure to tell everyone I'm single and looking. If I had to, I'd say single and waiting to be looked up. So yeah.
The Good Life
What does it mean to lead a good life? Money? Happiness? Forging meaningful friendships?
It's lead me to think about the issue of contentment. In truth, we are never really content with life and what we have, are we? Despite what luxuries we possess, we will never fully treasure them, and know how much they mean, until they're gone.
Modernisation has caused society to be so absorbed in consumer fetishes, and we're caught on an endless cycle of materialism and discontentment. We buy a product, and three months later, a better version comes out, and we are not content with the inferior one that we have. Sounds familiar? It does to me. Consumer fetishism is the driving force behind a capitalist society; it's what makes our world go round.
Ironically, I believe contentment comes from the 'emptiness' of life. Think Africa. Those villagers make a living through agriculture and fishing. Those who fish do not have a fixed daily catch, and each day is a new challenge for survival. They only seek to catch what is enough to get them through. It's subsistence over capitalism. Anything more than what they need, is their luxury.
The daily challenge to get from day to day is something we have taken for granted. Those people find joy it in; they find joy in knowing they'll live to see another day. They'll live to see the smiles on their children's faces; feel the embrace of their spouses, and take up to challenge to live.
Our will to live is what brings us contentment, and in this society, we've been so numbed by the anaestatic of modernity. So what if someone gets struck down or is murdered? It's just another death. In Africa, a death is bemoaned by the entire village.
We've lost the love of life, and we're too blinded to see that the more we continue in our ways, the sooner we will lose it forever. It is not something that exists sempiternal, waiting for us to claim it as and when we so desire. Certain actions bring us to a path of no return...
It's lead me to think about the issue of contentment. In truth, we are never really content with life and what we have, are we? Despite what luxuries we possess, we will never fully treasure them, and know how much they mean, until they're gone.
Modernisation has caused society to be so absorbed in consumer fetishes, and we're caught on an endless cycle of materialism and discontentment. We buy a product, and three months later, a better version comes out, and we are not content with the inferior one that we have. Sounds familiar? It does to me. Consumer fetishism is the driving force behind a capitalist society; it's what makes our world go round.
Ironically, I believe contentment comes from the 'emptiness' of life. Think Africa. Those villagers make a living through agriculture and fishing. Those who fish do not have a fixed daily catch, and each day is a new challenge for survival. They only seek to catch what is enough to get them through. It's subsistence over capitalism. Anything more than what they need, is their luxury.
The daily challenge to get from day to day is something we have taken for granted. Those people find joy it in; they find joy in knowing they'll live to see another day. They'll live to see the smiles on their children's faces; feel the embrace of their spouses, and take up to challenge to live.
Our will to live is what brings us contentment, and in this society, we've been so numbed by the anaestatic of modernity. So what if someone gets struck down or is murdered? It's just another death. In Africa, a death is bemoaned by the entire village.
We've lost the love of life, and we're too blinded to see that the more we continue in our ways, the sooner we will lose it forever. It is not something that exists sempiternal, waiting for us to claim it as and when we so desire. Certain actions bring us to a path of no return...
Friday, October 07, 2005
A Return To Love
"A Return to Love"
Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same...
I needed to hear (read) this once again...
Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same...
I needed to hear (read) this once again...
Lights Will Guide You Home
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Coldplay never felt so real. It can encapsulate so such in so little...
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Coldplay never felt so real. It can encapsulate so such in so little...
Clouds Clearing
Oh. I'm rather alright now. I just realised that tomorrow's Saturday.
It's not church.
It's the fact that I'm getting something from someone tomorrow. Be jealous. And no, it's not a present. Go figure.
Inseparable polar identities, and now the craving's back...
It's not church.
It's the fact that I'm getting something from someone tomorrow. Be jealous. And no, it's not a present. Go figure.
Inseparable polar identities, and now the craving's back...
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Life and Death
Arghhh. I can't ever make that clean cut to totally free myself from the bonds in my life can I?
Once again the realisation that people and things still matter, as much as I live in denial, is so haunting. The thought that struck me was that without them, life would be meaningless, to a certain extent. Not that I'd die without them, but life would be different, very different. There's something about them that keeps me going day after day; it's a belief I have in them. It's also the times of joy shared with them that keeps me going. It's knowing that after the storm - just to see the smiles on their faces - everything will be fine. Cliched, but true I guess?
It's so ironic that my life is built upon others; that my self (if I may say so) is constructed upon the identity of others around me. This pretty much shatters my self-deception that I am all self-sufficient, God withstanding. I'd like to believe that I don't need anyone. I know I can survive alone; I've the will to do so. But what holds me back is the fact that I can't bear too. Certain bonds run too deep and there's no way of shaking it off so easily. There's a shared affinity (I hope) and it's not easy to erase the memories on which our beautiful castle in the clouds was built upon.
And again I've had to weigh the importance of the people in my life. I'm left reflecting on that verse - would I die for anyone? Wrong time period! I should have been born in medieval times, where chivalry and the idea of a noble sacrifice existed. Sadly, I do not think anyone is worth dying for though. There was a period of time, in the past, where I did admittedly have people that I would die for. But they've gone now. I don't know them anymore.
The concept of the noble sacrifice now only exists in alternate realities - TV shows, movies, RELIGION, and such. God died for us, yeah. But God is God, and I'm no God. There's no such thing now. Which self-absorbed person can see past himself and see the needs of others in this world now? Who can see past his own issues and stop whining about them, such that he sees the larger and more important picture out there? I would like to think I'm such a person, but now I have my doubts.
Perhaps people only realise urgency when the time beckons. Only in adversity are heroes born. Maybe only when your father is dying from a fatal chronic illness will you pray to God to take his place. Maybe only when your younger sister is taken hostage that you will be willing to take her place and die. Other than that, we are too self-absorbed. Such is the human condition.
But as Morpheus said (rephrased), what is worth living for is worth dying for. And the inverse is true. So what is it I'm living for? What will I be willing to die for? Questions left unanswered, and somethings I believe that they are better off left unanswered. I like to think there are answers for every question, but it is not always best if the questions are answered.
I think I need to find a new passion, something to absorb myself in. Perhaps a new hobby of sorts? I'm rarely passionate about anything. I'm a dull and antagonistic cynic and pessimist. I need to channel my energies into something worthwhile. Another questioning issue of temporal versus eternal is raised, but I will not address that now.
But this is permanence - everything will be transient. What a paradoxical world we live in, surrounded by endless chaos. Chaos so subtle we do not even realise or see it at times. We are and will be blind and self-absorbed - the king of beasts.
Once again the realisation that people and things still matter, as much as I live in denial, is so haunting. The thought that struck me was that without them, life would be meaningless, to a certain extent. Not that I'd die without them, but life would be different, very different. There's something about them that keeps me going day after day; it's a belief I have in them. It's also the times of joy shared with them that keeps me going. It's knowing that after the storm - just to see the smiles on their faces - everything will be fine. Cliched, but true I guess?
It's so ironic that my life is built upon others; that my self (if I may say so) is constructed upon the identity of others around me. This pretty much shatters my self-deception that I am all self-sufficient, God withstanding. I'd like to believe that I don't need anyone. I know I can survive alone; I've the will to do so. But what holds me back is the fact that I can't bear too. Certain bonds run too deep and there's no way of shaking it off so easily. There's a shared affinity (I hope) and it's not easy to erase the memories on which our beautiful castle in the clouds was built upon.
And again I've had to weigh the importance of the people in my life. I'm left reflecting on that verse - would I die for anyone? Wrong time period! I should have been born in medieval times, where chivalry and the idea of a noble sacrifice existed. Sadly, I do not think anyone is worth dying for though. There was a period of time, in the past, where I did admittedly have people that I would die for. But they've gone now. I don't know them anymore.
The concept of the noble sacrifice now only exists in alternate realities - TV shows, movies, RELIGION, and such. God died for us, yeah. But God is God, and I'm no God. There's no such thing now. Which self-absorbed person can see past himself and see the needs of others in this world now? Who can see past his own issues and stop whining about them, such that he sees the larger and more important picture out there? I would like to think I'm such a person, but now I have my doubts.
Perhaps people only realise urgency when the time beckons. Only in adversity are heroes born. Maybe only when your father is dying from a fatal chronic illness will you pray to God to take his place. Maybe only when your younger sister is taken hostage that you will be willing to take her place and die. Other than that, we are too self-absorbed. Such is the human condition.
But as Morpheus said (rephrased), what is worth living for is worth dying for. And the inverse is true. So what is it I'm living for? What will I be willing to die for? Questions left unanswered, and somethings I believe that they are better off left unanswered. I like to think there are answers for every question, but it is not always best if the questions are answered.
I think I need to find a new passion, something to absorb myself in. Perhaps a new hobby of sorts? I'm rarely passionate about anything. I'm a dull and antagonistic cynic and pessimist. I need to channel my energies into something worthwhile. Another questioning issue of temporal versus eternal is raised, but I will not address that now.
But this is permanence - everything will be transient. What a paradoxical world we live in, surrounded by endless chaos. Chaos so subtle we do not even realise or see it at times. We are and will be blind and self-absorbed - the king of beasts.
Running Away
If only our minds can feel and our hearts can think, then we would all be able to make sense of 'love'.
I honestly deem it a social vice - it shatters all rational thinking and compels us to do things we would otherwise deem absurd or ludicrous.
It is love that makes us hold on tightly to what we believe it. It is love that stimulates the illusion of hope - hope of a better future; that one day, the sun will shine again; that tomorrow, everything will be alright; that eventually, everything will fall into place.
I've finally come to accept that everything is transient, and that permanence doesn't exist, not even in memories.
Some people have told me that memories are what we are made of. They are fragments of our past experiences and existence. The photographic images stored in the centre of our heads will remain with us wherever we may go. Someone once said that if she were to enter the afterlife taking only one thing with her, it would be her memories. They are said to follow you wherever you go though, strangely enough.
But memories break down and vanish from existence once you learn to let go and forget. You are no longer enslaved by their dominance over your mind, and you are free to start anew. Memories hold us all back from moving on; we bear testament to that when we recall each painful moment that sets up the roadblock signalling for us to stop and pull over. We can no longer move on with the excess baggage. We need to shed it, and flee. Run, without turning back. There is no turning back. Leave everything behind; all that was once happy, once pleasant; once enjoyable, and run.
Ironically, this post contrasts everything that I feel inside. But I've come to acknowledge that my time is up. Like Elrond says to the Hobbits at the end of ROTK, "The time of the Elves is over, it is now time for the dominion of Men." My time is up. It's now a new calling for others to play their roles, while I sail out of Rivendell, out of existence and memory, fading into eternity.
I honestly deem it a social vice - it shatters all rational thinking and compels us to do things we would otherwise deem absurd or ludicrous.
It is love that makes us hold on tightly to what we believe it. It is love that stimulates the illusion of hope - hope of a better future; that one day, the sun will shine again; that tomorrow, everything will be alright; that eventually, everything will fall into place.
I've finally come to accept that everything is transient, and that permanence doesn't exist, not even in memories.
Some people have told me that memories are what we are made of. They are fragments of our past experiences and existence. The photographic images stored in the centre of our heads will remain with us wherever we may go. Someone once said that if she were to enter the afterlife taking only one thing with her, it would be her memories. They are said to follow you wherever you go though, strangely enough.
But memories break down and vanish from existence once you learn to let go and forget. You are no longer enslaved by their dominance over your mind, and you are free to start anew. Memories hold us all back from moving on; we bear testament to that when we recall each painful moment that sets up the roadblock signalling for us to stop and pull over. We can no longer move on with the excess baggage. We need to shed it, and flee. Run, without turning back. There is no turning back. Leave everything behind; all that was once happy, once pleasant; once enjoyable, and run.
Ironically, this post contrasts everything that I feel inside. But I've come to acknowledge that my time is up. Like Elrond says to the Hobbits at the end of ROTK, "The time of the Elves is over, it is now time for the dominion of Men." My time is up. It's now a new calling for others to play their roles, while I sail out of Rivendell, out of existence and memory, fading into eternity.
The Ocean of Your Mind
Oh my goodness! Thank God for free tickets! Into The Blue was utter rubbish!! It exemplifies my belief that sex sells to all stupid hormonal Singaporeans; they never outgrow that hormonal rage! Goodness.
You're only paying to see Jessica Alba and Ashley Scott in swimsuits, which is semi-disgusting. Most of all, the plot has absolutely no link and flow! Suddenly everyone is involved in some drug-trafficking scandal and you're left wondering "what on earth just happened?!"
Plot aside, cinematography was quite alright. Paranomic sea-views were ever-present, almost becoming too cliched.
I still prefer movies that deal with social issues and make me think, not some thrashy fleshy hormonal sex-selling one. Society is on the decline, it's undeniable.
Other movies to watch during the holidays:
-The Chronicles of Narnia (a must!!!!)
-Goal (soccer movie, interesting...)
-Corpse Bride (animation; let's see it rival up to Finding Nemo or other Pixar ones)
-The Skeleton Key (please let it not be rated)
The Dukes of Hazard is a thrashy film. I don't have to watch it to give it a 1X10^-(insert large number here). If you watch it, you're probably either very rich with time to kill, or utterly stupid. I hope it's the former though.
One down, 19 more movies to go...
You're only paying to see Jessica Alba and Ashley Scott in swimsuits, which is semi-disgusting. Most of all, the plot has absolutely no link and flow! Suddenly everyone is involved in some drug-trafficking scandal and you're left wondering "what on earth just happened?!"
Plot aside, cinematography was quite alright. Paranomic sea-views were ever-present, almost becoming too cliched.
I still prefer movies that deal with social issues and make me think, not some thrashy fleshy hormonal sex-selling one. Society is on the decline, it's undeniable.
Other movies to watch during the holidays:
-The Chronicles of Narnia (a must!!!!)
-Goal (soccer movie, interesting...)
-Corpse Bride (animation; let's see it rival up to Finding Nemo or other Pixar ones)
-The Skeleton Key (please let it not be rated)
The Dukes of Hazard is a thrashy film. I don't have to watch it to give it a 1X10^-(insert large number here). If you watch it, you're probably either very rich with time to kill, or utterly stupid. I hope it's the former though.
One down, 19 more movies to go...
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
The Fifth Horseman
Thank God math was okay today. Only 2 questions on Trigo! Hopefully my projected A is still attainable.
There's no paper tomorrow, so I shall go catch a movie with Bronson. It's something only geniuses like me can afford to do. So if you can't live my life, don't be sad. At least you're normal (I hope).
Hmmm, post-exam wanderings have interesting results. I was trying to find Ms Lim as I needed help for Chemistry. She wasn't in the Staff Room, so I ended up having a nice 1 hour chat with Mr Marcus Tan. It was an interesting conversation really. Since when did a student and a teacher talk about the issues bothering them with regard to the academic system, and other things in life? It's rare, but enjoyable. And I still owe him dinner after the exams end...
I seem to have taken a sudden interest in the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. I have no idea what triggered the sudden memory of them. If I'm not wrong, it was a Terry Pratchett book. Discworld, or something like that. Anyone knows any books with reference to the Four? I don't mind having a read after the exams. It's another interest-phase of my life. The last was with Elves and the Fell Beasts of Mordor. Ha.
I'm living in my fantasy world.
There's no paper tomorrow, so I shall go catch a movie with Bronson. It's something only geniuses like me can afford to do. So if you can't live my life, don't be sad. At least you're normal (I hope).
Hmmm, post-exam wanderings have interesting results. I was trying to find Ms Lim as I needed help for Chemistry. She wasn't in the Staff Room, so I ended up having a nice 1 hour chat with Mr Marcus Tan. It was an interesting conversation really. Since when did a student and a teacher talk about the issues bothering them with regard to the academic system, and other things in life? It's rare, but enjoyable. And I still owe him dinner after the exams end...
I seem to have taken a sudden interest in the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. I have no idea what triggered the sudden memory of them. If I'm not wrong, it was a Terry Pratchett book. Discworld, or something like that. Anyone knows any books with reference to the Four? I don't mind having a read after the exams. It's another interest-phase of my life. The last was with Elves and the Fell Beasts of Mordor. Ha.
I'm living in my fantasy world.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Looking Back in Realisation
"Maybe one day you'll understand why things are the way they are..."
Or something along that lines. That was the reply sent to someone close to me by someone close to him (oh the ambiguity). But I've been thinking about it. Does it apply to me? Will I ever understand why things happen the way they do in my life?
Will I ever realise how my wrong choices can contribute to a better future? Somehow I just want to see the big picture now. But God must have His reasons for making me wait.
Honestly I do not understand the logic behind taking something away, making you cry days over it, and returning what's lost in a totally different (broken) condition. Am I supposed to repair what's left of it to enjoy it once again? Or is it meant to be just a symbolic memory of my past and nothing more?
I don't know. I really don't.
Why am I so hesistant nowadays? My self-confidence is waning. I guess the higher up you go, the harder you will fall, and I don't want to lose it all again.
And still, I've done nothing about Maths. Maybe somehow I'll be inspired to do well tomorrow because of a random event and I'll get full marks! I certainly hope so.
Goodnight world.
Or something along that lines. That was the reply sent to someone close to me by someone close to him (oh the ambiguity). But I've been thinking about it. Does it apply to me? Will I ever understand why things happen the way they do in my life?
Will I ever realise how my wrong choices can contribute to a better future? Somehow I just want to see the big picture now. But God must have His reasons for making me wait.
Honestly I do not understand the logic behind taking something away, making you cry days over it, and returning what's lost in a totally different (broken) condition. Am I supposed to repair what's left of it to enjoy it once again? Or is it meant to be just a symbolic memory of my past and nothing more?
I don't know. I really don't.
Why am I so hesistant nowadays? My self-confidence is waning. I guess the higher up you go, the harder you will fall, and I don't want to lose it all again.
And still, I've done nothing about Maths. Maybe somehow I'll be inspired to do well tomorrow because of a random event and I'll get full marks! I certainly hope so.
Goodnight world.
sin 2A = 2sinAcosA
I feel oh-so-accomplished now that I've understood more mathematical concepts.
But it doesn't change the fact that I will fail if there's an exceedingly high number of Trigo questions.
On the bright side, after tomorrow, it's a day's break till Geog and History on Friday. I shall go catch a movie then. It's unheard of, but geniuses need breaks you know. We can't be cooped up all day and expect good results to fly in through the window. We need R&R okay!
I've already made a Things-To-Do list once the holidays start. That includes watching >10 movies to compensate my rather low movie ticket-stub collection this year.
Hmm, I wonder if I'll go back to doing what I did last year during November/December. Sleeping at 3, waking at 9, and being bored. Boredom drives you to do stupid things. I need a vacation. Speaking of which, Mark Yong's supposed to plan the stupid chalet!!! Interested parties contact me. My phone number can be attained by asking any girl on the streets (ha). No really! Right. If you don't have my phone number you don't deserve to go. Ha. Yeah yeah, I'm mean, evil, whatever.
Question for my beloved audience to ponder on: should Isaac keep long hair during the holidays or not?
But it doesn't change the fact that I will fail if there's an exceedingly high number of Trigo questions.
On the bright side, after tomorrow, it's a day's break till Geog and History on Friday. I shall go catch a movie then. It's unheard of, but geniuses need breaks you know. We can't be cooped up all day and expect good results to fly in through the window. We need R&R okay!
I've already made a Things-To-Do list once the holidays start. That includes watching >10 movies to compensate my rather low movie ticket-stub collection this year.
Hmm, I wonder if I'll go back to doing what I did last year during November/December. Sleeping at 3, waking at 9, and being bored. Boredom drives you to do stupid things. I need a vacation. Speaking of which, Mark Yong's supposed to plan the stupid chalet!!! Interested parties contact me. My phone number can be attained by asking any girl on the streets (ha). No really! Right. If you don't have my phone number you don't deserve to go. Ha. Yeah yeah, I'm mean, evil, whatever.
Question for my beloved audience to ponder on: should Isaac keep long hair during the holidays or not?
F Maths
That's the highest form of Math they offer in JC. The title's provocative. Go figure.
That aside, Language Arts today was...smooth sailing. I should be getting my >70% this time. The strange thing was that I was seriously pissed off after Paper 1. I wasted 15 minutes planning a Question 3 Essay and ended up doing Question 1 because I didn't have enough points. And Marcus swaggers out of the hall grinning going around "Eh what question did you do bro?" Upon hearing that I did not do Question 3 due to a lack of points, he acts shocked.
"Wow. English pro don't have enough points?! Oh, I sure die already la. Wah seh! (or however you spell those stupid singlish words [yes no capitalisation!])"
His use of sarcasm seriously undermines the entire English language. He should be shot in the head thrice, run over by stampeding elephants six times, and boiled in oil another six times. Ahh whatever.
The main focus on this entry is to publicly announce that I'm going to FAIL Maths. I'm going to F Maths!
Fail Maths = F Maths. Ooh. My brilliant equations!
Yeah right. I'm seriously dying; I can't do Trigonometry now, and my AP sequences skills have flown to Mars and deserted me. I'm so going to die. I need to make myself feel better... Hmm...
What I know:
-Proportion
-Co-ordinate Geometry
What I do not know:
-Linear inequalities
-Logs
-Surds and Indices
-"Basic" Trigonometry
2/6 = 33% Yay. I'm so going to fail. Since I know that, why am I not doing anything about it? I have no idea. I'm off to hopefully change my forecasted future.
Did I mention everyone expects me to do well tomorrow? Wait, I am a genius. I can do it. Yeah... Hmm... I need motivation. Are there any thrashy math blogs for me to read so I feel like performing well and kicking the person's butt? I doubt so... If only they had crappy Chinese blogs. Ha.
That aside, Language Arts today was...smooth sailing. I should be getting my >70% this time. The strange thing was that I was seriously pissed off after Paper 1. I wasted 15 minutes planning a Question 3 Essay and ended up doing Question 1 because I didn't have enough points. And Marcus swaggers out of the hall grinning going around "Eh what question did you do bro?" Upon hearing that I did not do Question 3 due to a lack of points, he acts shocked.
"Wow. English pro don't have enough points?! Oh, I sure die already la. Wah seh! (or however you spell those stupid singlish words [yes no capitalisation!])"
His use of sarcasm seriously undermines the entire English language. He should be shot in the head thrice, run over by stampeding elephants six times, and boiled in oil another six times. Ahh whatever.
The main focus on this entry is to publicly announce that I'm going to FAIL Maths. I'm going to F Maths!
Fail Maths = F Maths. Ooh. My brilliant equations!
Yeah right. I'm seriously dying; I can't do Trigonometry now, and my AP sequences skills have flown to Mars and deserted me. I'm so going to die. I need to make myself feel better... Hmm...
What I know:
-Proportion
-Co-ordinate Geometry
What I do not know:
-Linear inequalities
-Logs
-Surds and Indices
-"Basic" Trigonometry
2/6 = 33% Yay. I'm so going to fail. Since I know that, why am I not doing anything about it? I have no idea. I'm off to hopefully change my forecasted future.
Did I mention everyone expects me to do well tomorrow? Wait, I am a genius. I can do it. Yeah... Hmm... I need motivation. Are there any thrashy math blogs for me to read so I feel like performing well and kicking the person's butt? I doubt so... If only they had crappy Chinese blogs. Ha.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Idiocy is a Crime
after letting my mind wander abit after maths. i conculded Kopitiams are better than posh restraunts.Excerpt of Marcus' blog. Hmm, what paper is it tomorrow? I believe it's Language Arts. I'm presently laughing my entire body off (if it's remotely possible) after reading this junk. He can't spell restaurant. Hahaha!!! I'm mean, I know. Next, his arguments contradict. Anyone understands that thrash? Maybe we should use it as a model work for the 'Speak Good English Campaign'! Singapore's top 5%! Work of art!
i mean sure restraunts are more clean. there some clean kopitiams too.
sure , restraunts can show your are high and might. but kopitiam can show you are SINGAPOREAN.
i mean. you could hold up your chest, put your body straight and eat with a knife and fork at kopitiam. but could you never slouch and put your leg up and ENJOY with hand in restraunts.
you could talk nice and politely in kopitiam. but you can never shout KOPI-O . in restraunts.
you can wear $1000 suit to kopitiam what. who stop you. but you wear singlet and boxers to restraunts the manager kick you out.
best of all. you can eat a BIG FILLING bowl of mee for $2. in kopitiams. i love you all.
I have compiled a list of things not to do during my essay tomorrow, and that is certainly one of them.
I will not make myself look like an idiot. Wait, I think he's idiocy is getting to me. I had better go pop some pills that might make me seem smarter than I am. (Didn't you know? I'm a scam.) Yeah, drinking milk at night after eating fried rice makes you alot smarter. You can always try mixing every sauce McDelivery has to offer too. Doing that will ensure you an A for every subject you take. You'll even pass Chemistry with the aid of the empirical formulae of the ingredients of the food you just ate!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
