Educators

Educators - most call them teachers, a few term them friends; but what they do is teach.

They are set in the system to teach us about life and what is important to life. They teach to prepare us for the world and work ahead. They teach to impart skills that are said to transcend the classroom and its learning. And in doing so, as is the inevitable when teaching about life, they teach us what it means to be human.

Yet, recent experiences have cast doubt on the goals and purposes of educators as I've known them for the past two years. What I've seen and witness has not adequately reflected and embodied behavior and attitudes that we should live life by.

All I see is the strife and ambition, bearing no consequences to what destruction they leave in their wake as long as they get what they so desperately long for. To them, the means will always justify the ends. I see backbiting and betrayal as if loyalty were a foregone utopia. I see no semblance of the friendships and brotherhoods they tell us our youth would forge. I see no care nor concern for "the future of the nation", when all they want is in the now. Students and their grades are but the tools by which they get what they strife for. Fame, accolades, promotions, recognition - all these are more important than the well-being our the very fragile minds they were meant to nurture and develop.

Whatever happened to morals, ethics and values; to trust, love, integrity and honesty? What happened to the practice of doing what's right instead of what's easy? These people have become the values they so falsely preach against.

It is indeed a shame...

And that is why I'm leaving. For more than all the academic purposes and courses I seek to take elsewhere, my value system cannot be eroded by such false prophets in our midsts. I am shunned, for I dare to be different; for seeing more than my peers; for realising the falsehoods and lies that they would try to cover up in their hypocrisy.

And that is why I'm leaving. I love to learn, and they have taught me nothing.

Wishful Thinking

I'm back from the doctor's. No history exam tomorrow for me. Two day MC. Brilliant I say. More sleep's around the corner. The much needed respite's always welcome.

I was wondering today if the world would be a happier and simple place without reasons and reasoning; without the very art of substantiation and logic that grounds our faith in society; that restricts the mayhem and chaos from being unleashed, bounded by legislation.

I suppose it would be. We would do thinks as mindless beings, going about our daily routines because "we have to" and "we are told to do so". We do not question, but we trust in the system which governs our lives. (Why does this sound like I'm advocating totalitarianism ala V for Vendetta?) We lose our choice and free will, to relieve ourselves of the strain of thinking and perceiving. Is that an exchange that is worth it?

I don't know. Really. It was just a passing thought. But there are traces of the mindless drones carrying out their daily activities. As much as we like to believe that we have the power of free choice, it is actually restricted to a large extent.

Why do we go to school? Or to work? Why can't we go to School A one day and School B the next? Why must we take exams? Why do we have to do homework (or face punishment)? Why are we given parents whom we did not choose (no I am not advocating rebellion or for people to start ill-treating their parents)? All these point to the lack of choice, and the innate power of control that the system or higher beings have over our lives.

It is, scarily, quite apparent that there is little choice we possess in governing our lives. Our lifes are but pawn pieces in a game of chance played by higher beings, be it God or the system. Indeed, "ours is not to question why, ours is but to do or die".

Meaning and Significance

More musings, in the face of the highly insurmountable stack of revision notes / exercises to be done before my Math paper tomorrow. I'll be glad the day I can upload thoughts direct from my brain to my blog. Until then, I'll have to make do with creating notes and my handphone and uploading them here if I have the time.

We all know the effects of time, and the change that it brings. We all know how time clouds our vision of the future; we don't know what it beholds, and the past; we leave the memories behind and cloud them in the thickest fog conceivable only in our subconscious so we never see them again.

With all the changes brought about over time and space, the greatest impact is brought about in the changing of meaning and significance. Historical monuments from the past lose their greatness. (Who wants to preserve some ancient Aztec or Mayan temple of worship?) Nuclear weapons, once greatly feared all across the world, lose their significance as mass production begun; whether it be five thousand or five, they are enough to bring the entire world to its knees. We change presidents and governments every few years, and we forget the little additions into the state law, and any reformations that they may have brought about. We accept all these as a continual, inevitable part of life, and we move on not bothering to think back upon them.

It becomes worse when this is brought down into the little things in our lives. When the sunrise we see each morning holds no more meaning than our very next breath; when the people around us come and go without us knowing; when we accept that there will always be another tomorrow to make up for our lack of discipline and procrastination, we just lose the meaning and joy of life. It is indeed sad that things which once held such great altars in our lives can fade away into the sands of time.

I've learnt to treasure what I have, and not let time devalue the currency of importance and significance of the things in my life. I've erected my own altars, altars which commemorate the different events and milestones in my life, and they do not lose their value, simply because they are not physical forms. The world subjects everything to the value of the lords of wealth and prosperity, but existence is clearly worth more than that. I will not sell my soul, no matter what the cost.

Counting the Cost

I'm tired...

Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It's a lethal combination. Really.

I feel like giving up. To just mess it up, to let go, to be ill-disciplined; to be all the vices that I strive so hard to flee from and disregard from my life. I feel like not studying, not preparing. The urge to deliberately rebel and submit a blank sheet of paper and shove it down their throats to pay them back is just pulsating through the very essence of my being.

But this is a system where they don't care. There is no individual, only the collective. We don't remember who failed or passed. Just numbers, figures, and statistics. We don't remember the highest PSLE, O or A level score from our school, just the grades and percentages.

Our very being is just so insignificant... so very insignificant.

It shocks me, and I don't know how I should respond. Someone came back yesterday. And it seems like so long ago when we last met. But everyone responds as if it was a given. What if nothing caused the person to walk back and turn around? What if he never saw the light of day again? Would we know, or care? I'm not free from this; I admit I do not try at times. And it's just so shocking. I contemplate the legacy (I think) I've built, and what would happen if I were to leave it all behind one day. No one would remember me, that I'm sure. Maybe for a couple of weeks, but nothing more.

I cried my heart out yesterday. I prayed with everything I had. I wanted to see him come back; to not throw everything away. We were close before he left, but I guess it's really sad that your space determines your relationships. When he left church, who actually bothered to keep in touch with him? I know I did, but at times I just didn't notice him anymore. And it saddens me. I prayed with all I had, because I felt so much. I felt his hurts and his guilt, and His Hurt. I prayed that His Love would come fill his life all over again. And when he was touched, I cried more because I knew You would never let him go, and You'd always take him back.

But really, who remembers us? Are we but heads on shoulders, two hands and two feet? Are we but numbers in the populace? We are five hundred strong. No one would see those leaving by the backdoor. We don't care about relationships. The space and condition comes first, everything else is about convenience.

The exodus draws nearer. And I'm going to give it all up soon, but not now.

Maybe when you read back, you'll realise I had once been there (if ever in your life) in that space we once shared. But my set moves on, and there's no longer the union and intersection. The space shares no overlap, and we move...

Maybe... just maybe...

The Book of Life

History is based upon the discovery and unearthing of past artifects and documents, which in the process allow us to discover more about what has been. We flip across the pages, we counter-check; we hypothesize; we postulate; we conceive ideas; we piece the pieces together, hoping that they fit and we can see the whole picture. By doing so, we unknowingly write the chapters of life in reverse.

We live in the present, and know only what today has brought and will bring. There is no mention of tomorrow, for tomorrow never comes, and yesterday is but clouded in a fading mist. We weave our tales, hoping to attain immortality, for our names and deeds to be forever etched in the minds of those who come after us. What the future holds we cannot fathom nor understand, and so we try to predict what is to come from the past.

Herein lies the element of time's cyclic nature. Almost everything natural is bound by time's cyclic forces, and once it makes its rounds, it comes back full circle. We have seasons, which go on year after year. We have the rotation of planets around the sun. But the most disputed of all these natural acts would be the course of human action. Are we bound by this cyclic nature? Will another Hitler rise up in the future? Will there be another superpower to match America's might? Will the choices we make be bound, if we can look back upon it and learn from the past? Therein lies the paradox.

History, as often propogated in the classroom, is the study of the past to learn from it. But one does question whether it has any use, or whether we are just playing the roles in a game of chance played by higher beings. Do we learn? Or are we doomed and destined to make the same mistake over and over again.

I do wonder really, whether I do learn from my history. Reflecting and thinking back, I see my errors, yet when choices come again, I repeat them. Yet it is not unknowingly, for I know that I am conscious of my choice. Yet there seems to be a lack of control over my life, as if there is some pre-destination that ensures I'm to be forever bounded by those issues. And one does wonder how something so wrong can seem like the best.

We dig up, search through the upheaveled mess in our past to search for the answers to the future. But what about the present? Where does it lie on a time line? What do we do, not then nor there, but now? Mistakes in the past carry wisdom for the future, but what does it hold for the present? What are we living in? Can existentialism be bound by time and space?

Questions unanswered. Musings about the larger issues of the human condition and life. Each time I go over a chapter of my life, it plays over and over in my memory, and it cannot be erased. Perhaps, the greatest book of history... is memory. The Watchers in the X-Men were beings who just watched and observed, noting everything that happened, but not playing a part in it. If such higher beings existed, perhaps the fusion of memories throughout time and space would unravel the truths we have all been seeking. But in truth, such an encyclopaedia and manual of life will never exist. We live based on instinct and advice.

I do wonder, whether that chapter in my life will come about again...

Arrgh

And I thought the night could not get any worse...

I feel really bad. Not bad in the feel bad way, but bad in the bad way. Oh nevermind. I'm incoherent anyway.

Losing Myself

I'm back to thinking too much, as usual. Once again I'm stuck pondering a particular topic, one which roots run through and through our lives, from our adolescence to our dying days - who am I? The ever quintessential question of identity - seeking it and finding it.

After spending much of last night (unproductively) doing online quizzes, I've been wondering about the validity of my answers and my supposed characteristic traits and attributes. I wonder whether I actually know myself in the way I profess to do. I wonder whether my results will differ from those of my perception, and why they might happen to be.

I wonder really: who am I? It's one of those questions that will never fade, even as life and time goes on...

Waiting for Godot, one of the best 20th Century plays (which I regret not doing my Lang Arts project on), perfectly captures the phase of my life at present. I'm waiting, like Vladimir and Estragon. But for what? In the play, Godot never comes. They are only told that he will come "tomorrow". But in reality, Godot never appears, not once in the play.

I guess I'm waiting for answers to life, and things to change. Or is that a fictional belief I've conceived? What am I waiting for really? What am I striving for? What is at the end of this maze of endless doors? When will I come across the final door which, when opened, does not lead to another pathway with a door at the end? Choices only lead to more choices. Will there ever be contentment? I think I'm searching for that; for appeasement. To still and calm the restless search for the unknown. I'm waiting, searching... not knowing what the future holds, or why I do what I do.

We wait. We wait for the chance that the next day will be better; that the sun will shine brighter. We wait to fill the gaps in our life with others who come and go, and when they do, we wait for the next person(s) to come along. We wait for the moment we gain fame and fortune after working our lives away. We wait for the acknowledgement of our labours. We wait for the requited love we all seek from friends and family, our loved ones. We wait to connect our hearts to those we miss. We wait for the weekend, for that brief respite. We wait for night, to know the tumultous day is over, and we can finally rest. We wait for time to pass; we wait to grow up. We wait - upon passing on from generation to generation. We wait for the meaning of life, or is it the coming of life? We wait for the passing of life... We wait.

But are all the things we wait for like what is said in Ecclesiates 4:6,7? Are they all not but a chasing after the wind? Are not all these things meaningless? By what validations, expectations, and purposes do we build our castles in the skies? Do we build for the past, present, future? Do we build for eternity? Can we wait for eternity? Are these all but meaningless under the sun?

Who am I? What am I waiting for?

I'm waiting for you, like I said I would.

What am I waiting for?

I'm waiting for the day You call me into Your Purpose.

What am I waiting for?

I'm waiting for revival.

Your Purpose remains ;

Quizzes

You Are 88% Happy

It's unlikely that you know anyone happier than you. You know how to be happy, no matter what life throws at you.

How Happy Are You?

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Your Brain's Pattern

Structured and organized, you have a knack for thinking clearly. You are very logical - and you don't let your thoughts get polluted with emotions. And while your thoughts are pretty serious, they're anything from boring. It's minds like yours that have built the great cities of the world!

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

You Are 45% Left Brained, 55% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Your EQ is 160

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

Your Brain is 87% Female, 13% Male

You have the brain of a girly girl Which isn't a bad thing at all You're emphatetic, caring, and in tune with emotions. You're a good friend and give great advice.

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Let's all point and laugh at Isaac!

Your Life Path Number is 3

Your purpose in life is to express your unique self. You are a creative and artistic person with an interesting view on life. Witty and outgoing, you enjoy sharing your crazy ideas with anyone who will listen. A total social butterfly, you're the life of any party. In love, you inspire and enchant your partner. You are often an object of fantasy and desire. While you are very talented, you sometimes lack the ambition to put your talents in play. And while your wit carries you a long way, you occasionally use it to mask your true feelings. Your natural abilities can bring you all the success in the world ... if you let them

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Your Element Is Earth

You excel at planning and strategizing. You could be a champ at chess or Survivor. Well grounded, you are able to be realistic and rationalize. On the inside, you have a hard core. It's tough to phase you. You are super productive, and you are able to think anything through. Focused and super charged, your instincts are a good guide for your next step.

What's Your Element?

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is high. You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person. And in return, you expect the same from who you love. Any sign of straying, and you'll end things. Experience Level: Your experience level is high. You've loved, lost, and loved again. You have had a wide range of love experiences. And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is medium. In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time." You usually find it easy to be part of a couple. But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test

You Are Rain

You can be warm and sexy. Or cold and unwelcoming. Either way, you slowly bring out the beauty around you. You are best known for: your touch Your dominant state: changing

What Type of Weather Are You?

Your Values Profile

Loyalty: You value loyalty highly. You're completely devoted to your friends and family. Even if they totally screw up, you're still there for them. Just make sure they're equally loyal to you! Honesty: You value honesty a fair amount. You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it. If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it. In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity." Generosity: You value generosity a fair amount. You are all about giving, as long as there's some give and take. Supportive and kind, you don't mind helping out a friend in need. But you know when you've given too much. You have no problem saying "no"! Humility: You value humility a fair amount. You tend to be an easy going, humble person. But occasionally your ego takes over. You have a slight competitive streak - and the need to be the best. Tolerance: You value tolerance highly. Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you... You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends. You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

The Five Factor Values Test

Haha right.

Your Chances of Being a Multimillionaire: 100%

It's almost certain you'll be a multimillionaire. Just keep doing what you're doing. You are good with money, a creative thinker, and an ethical person. You might be the next Donald Trump!

Will You Be a Multimillionaire?

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary. At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in. In Love: You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated. How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?"

What's Your Power Color?

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now. For you, falling in love is all about the adventure and uncertainty. You can only fall in love with someone who keeps you guessing.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

You Are From the Moon

You can vibe with the steady rhythms of the Moon. You're in touch with your emotions and intuition. You possess a great, unmatched imagination - and an infinite memory. Ultra-sensitive, you feel at home anywhere (or with anyone). A total healer, you light the way in the dark for many.

What Planet Are You From?

How You Life Your Life

You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Safe, Not Sorry

I've dropped Chemistry, right before the exams.

Some would question why I would spend a year learning and dropping the subject, branding it a waste of time and effort. Well, don't get me wrong, I still love learning, that's for sure. But really, I think the year under Mr Low has been an absolute waste. He has not exhibited any teaching skills, for one. Two periods of online research without any directional guidiance is a waste of time for me. We go one big round, only to hear him say it's not right. I mean, it's fun learning new stuff as well, but it gets aggravatingly demoralising at times.

And besides, I don't want to let it pull down my GPA, like it did in Term 3. Out of History, Geog, Biology and Chemistry, Chemistry is the one I scored lowest for. Double As for the humanities, A for Biology, and an abysmal D for Chemistry last term because of my "incoherent" phrasing. And this once, just this once, for the sake of ACJC, I'll take my grades over my love for the subject. That's one less exam in October, and that's an extended weekend in the second week to study for Maths.

All in all, I think it's a good decision. I don't intend to take Chemistry next year anyway. I'm more or less settled with the arts combination, unless for some reason unbeknownst to me, I decide to take up Chem and Bio and shift to the Science stream. I have no idea why I cannot settle down on one particular thing I'm good at.

I like to think I'm good at most things I do. I know I've been kind of blessed. I'm not getting Gladia's grades, but on the other hand, I'm not stupid. I'm considered smart, and I'm not a freaking mugger. I can do sports decently well too. I'm going to pick up musical instruments in the holidays. I really envy people (not in the bad way) who can do all three - music, sports, studies. I guess to some extent, I look up to Sebas and Michael Teo quite a bit. For me, it's one area to work one, and I reckon I'll be content. Oh, and Shawn Tan too, except he's a slacker.

I think I'm getting burnt out. I've been sleeping alot nowadays. Getting sleepy far too often. Took a nap in the afternoon today, and I fell asleep after the Simpsons. Oh well... I need to pace myself well. It's the last lap already. I started off well, and I intend to maintain my pace and end it well. I am not going to burn out.

Thank You Lord

For just sending people into my life when I'm at my lowest.

For always being there and letting me know that I can always turn to You no matter what.

For granting me your peace.

For letting me know in Your Presence there is no fear.

For holding me in Your Arms and keeping me safe in Your Embrace.

For being Lord over all - every situation and circumstance.

For picking me up when I fall.

For being my Strength.

For giving me a destiny I would exchange nothing for.

For calling me.

For moulding and shaping me.

For all You've done,

Thank You Lord

Self

A post before I head off to Serene to study.

I guess after everything that has happened, I've learnt that I need to be more assertive and start making my own decisions. That hasn't been done in a long time, believe me.

At the end of the day, it comes down to what God wants really. I'm tired of thinking and reflecting.

Jesus take the wheel ;

Yokes

I'm going to start studying. I think I'm slacking too much. Really.

Today was wasted. I don't want to talk about it.

I shall go out tomorrow and study. And there's the study session with the cell on Thursday, after which we'll probably end up playing pool. Wednesday's Bio project day. That's Friday for Geog. And well... I shall finish my History assignment tomorrow.

I shall do Chem and Math tomorrow. I shall attempt to crash course my way through Geog with Leonard's help when school reopens. History will be done across the weekend. Bio on Thursday.

Arrgh. Planning. I'm sick of it really. I'm getting annoyed and worked up at this organised mess that I'm in. It's an utterly paradoxical situation where I plan and plan so much that everything's so rigid and I'm losing the room for flexibility. I need that space. It's not the workload that's killing. It's... I don't know. I don't want to plan anymore. I hate seeing that nice list and crossing off things I've done and feeling good about it. Yet I cannot live in a mess and lose track of what I need to do. I probably am not making sense now.

And I hate thinking, but once again I'm back to the topic of friendships. Someone once asked me whether I'd rather have a million friends and seem popular, or a couple of close good friends. I chose the latter, but I'm seemingly stuck with the former. It's just hi's and bye's. I mean, I would take the time and effort to get to know people better, but I just don't have the resources right now. I need a break now. I need to be left alone.

The irony is that the people not in my life right now are the ones that really matter. I've given up on certain people. I'm tired of mentoring. I feel I've done my part, and I need a rest. I feel that forging friendships and relationships take so much out of me. If you don't realise this you probably don't mean alot to me, but that's a generalisation. I hate half-hearted relationships, but sometimes it's just forced upon me.

I feel so held back. I feel so weary. Even men of steel fall and stumble; we all have our kryptonite. I'm burning out and this is the wrong time for all this. I need to study hard. I need to get my grades. I need to get into that combination in ACJC. I need to... Or do I want to? I'm not even certain of why I do the things I do now.

It's time to let God handle everything and trust in His Perfect Plans. I need to find my rest in His Peace again. Now to find the time and be still...

Crazy

That's what everyone said when they heard my response for my choice of subject combination for next year. Jonathan had to go and tell Michelle, and Michelle went on about how I would die with KI and 4 H2 subjects. But I guess they have a point.

So I guess I'm stuck with:

-KI (H2)
-Lit (H2 / H3)
-History (H2 / H3)
-Theatre Studies (H2)
-Econs (H1)

Yes, there is no Math. So sue me. I might do H1 Math instead of Econs, but we'll see.

Michelle claims TS and KI are heavy subjects and killers. Hmmm. I wonder if whether I'm being realistic, or just knowing that I can break out of the norm. I know I can do that. But where does one draw the line between vision and reality?

And it helps to know Jas thinks I'm nuts too. Now all I need is Sebas to slap me when he hears about it. Then I'll know from God.

(Don't we all sense the sarcasm...)

Confusion Never Stops

Ah how I miss Coldplay.

Hmmm... I can't decide. Decisions decisions, a thousand to make, and that means that there are at least two thousand options. Bugger.

Pushed for LCell on Friday night, then I rememebered that Sam's flying off then. Arrgh.

And there's Lang Arts night tomorrow.

so take me back
to when we first loved ;

Angel in Disguise

Angel in Disguise
by Corrinne May

I woke up this morning feeling kind of blue
and I stumbled out of bed and
dragged my feet across the room
Right outside my front door was a rose
and a note that said 'Somebody Loves You'

But out on the street it starts to pour
and before I get soaking wet,
A total stranger runs to give me
the jacket off his back
I turn around to thank him
But he waves me with a smile
And I can hardly believe my eyes
He puts on a halo and starts to fly

Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look for Paradise
You could be next to
an angel in disguise

I met a good friend for lunch
and we had a delicious meal
But I forgot to bring my wallet
I felt like an imbecile
But she was sweet, she gave me a treat and
Bought me a chicken sandwich
To take home for tea

But out on the street with nothing to eat
A man and his shopping cart go
Travelling to places
Collecting social graces
I give him my sandwich
and we chatter for a while
I see a rainbow wash over his eyes
He gives me his halo and
I start to fly

Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look for Paradise
You could be next to
an angel in disguise

Don't try to hide away from me
I know you're by my side

Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look at Paradise
You could be next to
an angel in disguise
Everyday can be legendary
Every minute, an endless surprise
You could be the next angel in disguise

I woke up this morning
Feeling kind of new


*****

One of the songs that touch your heart. Was going through letters and this one came up.

Late Nights and Old Friends

I have no idea why I'm still up. There's no phone calls to take tonight, so I'm on MSN...

Sarah started a conversation and I guess it sparked off a long discourse on various issues that is still continuing at present. Somehow, I guess I missed talking to her from last year.

Hmmm... I should stop reading so much into things. It doesn't really help. Reading through old chatlogs do not help your cause. You piece the different pieces together, and you realise how you never saw the full picture of things, and so many different misunderstandings arise. But honestly, I would rather be obnoxious and oblivious to these things.

The Surest Way

I don't want to be me anymore.

Get it or not, it's not my concern.

I think the surest way to kill me is to leave me questions without the answers (if there even are any).

Quizzes

Ideal School: ACS (I)

Mythical Creature: Angel (WHAAAAAT?!)

What fairy are you: Dark fairy.

Which Greek Creature are you: Pandora (Hmmm...)

What coloured eyes should you have: Brown (Supposedly represents smart people... Yeah right...)

Bahhh

take me away to a world where
no one but us
breathe; speak; live; exist
all i know is
that i wanna make it with you
through the night
through all of eternity

Shitty piece. I currently feel like writing, but there's no inspiration. I need my muse...

I need to pick up a musical instrument. I shall learn how to play the guitar after the exams.

This is just incoherent. I feel as if there's something I need to do, but I can't put my finger on it.

the art of being happy

The Stage of Life

Shakespeare once said most famously that, "All the world's a stage" and it has been quoted and misquoted time upon time.

We definitely can draw parallels between life and the theatre - the plays, the acting, the dramatisation. But are there parallels between life and the theatre of the age: the cinema?

Films and plays often attempt to bring across a message, to tell a story; to document an event; to provide insight into a situation. It establishes that based on a strong human connection and thus it allows us to relate to the characters at hand. Yet, humanity and what it means to be human is constantly being blurred. What's worse is that Hollywood distorts reality. We are now hypotised into believing we can all be heroes; that we can all save the day; we can take on tens of thousands in armed combat and escape unscathed. (Consider this with God and His Power aside, lest I am accused of heresy and whatnot.)

We are slowly, but surely, conforming a part of our consciousness, influenced by external forces into shifting and shaping reality into something that is not real. We are seduced by visual and graphic effects, stunts, and the blue screen. We no longer think and realise that it is no longer reality. Who needs to keep both feet on the ground when Hollywood tells us that we can all fly like Superman?

Movies and books, and other texts, convince us that the hero is the everyman, and that anyone can rise up to be great. Look at Frodo Baggins, King Arthur, and other examples of the hero given today. Right now, the concept of the anti-hero is so prominent. Rebellion and other distortion of virtues pervade our consciousness, and we believe these are now what is right and glorious.

Events portrayed in movies are so commonplace, that it further accentuates the belief that everyone can be a hero. And right now, I'm just caught in between. I know I can make that difference, to bring about that change, and to be great. Yet I do ponder whether my reality has been distorted; whether the truth does hold. I wonder when it comes down to making choices like they do in the movies, will I have the courage to make the right ones? And what are the right ones? What are the virtues that one must possess to save the world? What truth lies beneath visual effects and the blue screen? Can we really be what we see (and believe in)?

Superman speaks of how the world needs a Savior. And only You can save this world. I've always loved the song "Jesus You're My Superhero". Granted it was for Hillsongs Kids, but there such an alluring charm of innocence that we don't find anymore. It's the simple faith - faith that trusts that no matter what comes our way, He will be there. And I will testify to that.

And being someone's hero doesn't mean you have to save the world. What it means, is for you to find out on your own path of discovery.

To that someone: You've taught me how to change the world. Not by superhuman might or ability, but through prayer. Thank you.

Two More Days...

...till the academic term ends and it's the start of the oh-so-wonderful two week elective lessons.

I shall recount my experience with certain teachers who really do mood swing. Since I am a nice person, I shall just call the teacher X. So I go to see teacher X in the morning today because I realised that I'm the only one from my class who did not get a certain elective as my first choice. I put it down to the selection process where they'd choose by class and the class register. That makes me the third last person to choose in the whole Programme. Obviously, I wasn't happy, and I went to the staff room to give teacher X a call and asked nicely why I did not get the elective.

So teacher X goes on about the selection being done in "another manner", which she refused to explain. And she claims she's busy, and that I should just accept it. After all, I got my second choice, which was still a choice after all, and that I should do some self reflection because I complained. However, she did say if I was still unhappy after the reflection, I should see her.

I go back to class extremely pissed. And soon the day's lessons end and suddenly Jeffrey pops in after Math and tells me teacher X wants to see me. I wondered if it was because she wanted to lecture me further on the earlier issue. Instead, when I call teacher X in the staff room, she sounded extremely happy and tells me that my request for a transfer has been accepted.

Goodness. I have learnt how to deal with women - ask for stuff at the right time. Seriously!

Dad brought back my transfer form today! So I have up till next week to fill up my application into ACJC. Excellent! Now, it's off to study hard for the EOYs and make it into ACJC.

And now I need to reconsider the Italy trip. It falls, unfortunately, on a certain day and I am already getting quite affected by the fact that I might by away then. Sigh.

Why am I blogging now when I owe the DNA Knots teachers two overdue assignments? Goodness. There's a folder with work on the maTrix with no announcements whatsoever about the folder's existence and what it contains. I'm so sure students have that much time to hunt for new folders in the maTrix.

"Hey look! There's a new folder in the maTrix!"
"I saw it yesterday!"
"Dang, here's five dollars for being so observant."

That's definitely going to be the new culture among students in TJC!

And I'll definitely write in about the disciplinary system when I leave. So guys with long hair, do relax. Apparently what is acceptable in their standards, is my hair when I just cut it. Anything else is too long! And they pull your fringe down to see if it is longer than your eyebrow! Which school subjects their male students to such...stupid acts, please tag or leave a comment. I would seriously like to know. I mean, I bet if I pulled Mr Daniel Ng's fringe down it would break the school rules too. Warning: You can no longer have side partings, and styling your hair neatly to the side does not exempt you from having a supposedly long fringe.

Thank goodness there's AC. Please God, let me get out of this place...

Shifting Sands

I'm taking a breather really. It's a Friday night, and one would wonder why I'm not out or asleep. The past weeks have been dreadfully hectic - projects of all kinds just seem to be piling up, despite my constant efforts to clear them off. I'm getting increasingly forgetful as well, which many would attribute to my busy schedule and all.

But perhaps there's more to it. Especially when you're living my life, you know you can never take anything at eye level. It astounds me how I totally forgot Charlotte and Rachel's birthdays. And how I haven't gotten Jeann anything yet, and I still owe her a letter. I wonder whether my priorities have changed, and whether certain people do mean as much to me as I profess. Granted, cards and presents do not mean everything, but to me, it's a sign of appreciation; to thank them for being a part of my life, no matter how large or small a part they have played. I really need to find time tomorrow to write the cards, and pass Jeann her present.

And sometimes, I do question whether I'm just caught in a web of deception, living life as it is, and losing the innate ability to question. I feel like I'm caught in hyperreality; I'm living a lie, and this isn't how it should be. But then again, one does question what reality is? What is "real" and "unreal"? Does seeing something make it real; or tasting; or touching it? What if you could feel it? I might do a more detailed post on reality and the like, but not just yet. Reality is not the physical environment we live in; it is in our minds. We project and craft only what we wish to see and believe. Realities are only real to those whom they belong to.

Those thoughts aside, and more pertinently, certain past issues are cropping up. One year does make quite a bit of difference, and I wonder if perhaps things have changed... And this just is not the right time for all these...

I think I'm numbing myself to the conflicts in life by convincing myself that I live on Cybertron. I'm so caught up with fantasies: those of ejecting transforming cassettes; those of flying jet planes; those of watching two cities battle; those of gestalts; those of reviving fallen leaders (all hail Galvatron).

I think I need to do some more reflection in the window of my soul.

Laserbeak: Eject
Operation: Reconnaissance

Visionary

So I finally realised what He was saying along the whole week, and the answer's made clear today during the District Gathering.

I suppose I might have guessed I had a calling into the Prayer Ministry. Prayer was always something on my heart - more so than most other youths anyway. I was busy pondering whether I should ask to join the IGNYTE Prayer Force, yet something held me back. I was seeking God, and asking Him for a direction and whether it was my calling.

And now I know. I'm not called to join one. I'm called to start one. I'm not going against the leaders and all, but I have a vision for a ministry of prayer - one run by youths. I see youths rising up and praying, standing in that gap. As I was seeking God across the week, I kept hearing the word "ownership", and I was trying to figure out what it means. I think now I know. It's taking ownership of IGNYTE, making it our ministry.

I had a short time of sharing of goals and visions with the cell on Saturday. Think many of them were shocked that it was a move initiated by me, not the adults. I'm glad for the time of sharing, and I think they caught my vision for the ministry. Now, it's a test to see whether they can perservere for that vision. I asked them how they saw IGNYTE in PL, and what they wanted life in PL to be like. They all shared noble goals and visions; I only hope they do something about it, and not let the dream die.

But admittedly I'm feeling rather drained physically and spiritually. There's always bound to be attacks after we accomplish something great. I sincerely hope I can stand through this...

Dreams

I had an interesting thought during SS. I attribute it to the nice nap I had at the sick bay today, resulting in my absence from both Math periods.

I'm quite perturbed by Mr Ng commenting on dreams being able to be bought nowadays. As much as I would like to think otherwise, it happens to be true. In a consumer society, money gets you places; it can buy you fame, get you places, help you live your dreams.

But I suppose dreams now have become more superficial and quite meaningless, for there is a limit to what money can provide. We all want to be rich, famous, good looking, and the like. Money can get you that far, that much I agree. But what happened to the noble dreams? Slowly but surely, dreams are being perversed.

Take academics for example. What happened to working hard when you can buy a place in top schools nowadays? Why work hard, when your family's already well off and you'll enter the family business? Why train hard, when teams can buy the title? It's just a global degradation of dreams that were once noble and beautiful.

But I suppose certain dreams cannot be bought, no matter what the price. Certain dreams have higher callings and value than that which money can ever offer. Take the dream to save lives - (I hope) doctors do it because of their love for people, to see them live on; to see that look of joy on the faces of family members, not because of money. Soldiers fight for their countries, not because of the medals and incentives offered, but because of their love for their homeland. We fight for the people we love, not because of how much they're worth materialistically, but their value to us.

And what do we dream? To pursue fame and fortune? What saddens me is that the two are seemingly intertwined. You need money to pursue your dreams. And we end up getting caught in that vicious cycle. I'm not saying that I hate money and would burn it because I believe it's evil. I still want to provide well for my kids (if and when I grow up and start a family), I want them to have a good education and all, but I don't want to be caught up earning money that I don't spend time with them.

I don't want to pursue a dream for the sake of making it big. It doesn't matter to me. I want to pursue a passion - something I love doing. Since young, many of us have been told to study hard and get a well paying job in the future. But someone's sharing with me about God's Calling and the sacrifice just struck me. Besides, even if we are rich, we might not be happy. And to me, that's more important than wealth. I'm learning, albeit slowly, to treasure the little things in life. I'm smiling more, taking pleasure in the little things, because from them we learn life's greatest lessons.

I'm quite content with my life now. Really. It's not perfect, but I've got all that matters: You.

And I owe it all to two very special people.

Superman

We all want to be superheroes in our own ways. We want to save the world, to make it a better place. We want to uphold justice; to do what's right. We want so much; we have noble aspirations.

But so often we fall short.

Superman
by Five for Fighting

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird
I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
'Bout a home I'll never see

It might sound absurd
But don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed
But won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away, away from me
Well, it's alright
You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a phony red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me, inside of me
Inside of me, yeah inside of me, inside of me

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me, inside of me
Inside of me, yeah inside of me, inside of me

Philosophies

For as much as we postulate and speculate, there is a time to wonder what are our guiding principles in life. What governs and drives our every deed, action or inaction, thoughts and all that's beyond that?

More importantly, I'm questioning what drives me. What are my philosophies in life? What do I live by? What are my boundaries and guidelines?

I once thought I had those set in place. Now, I'm not so sure.

And perhaps you're the greatest irony of all. Someone's bombarding me with philosophies now and all of them seem so true. And it scares me really. I find that life's worth living more when you live it and not think about issues. You would generally be happier, and ignorance is bliss, as they say.

Yet I constantly feel that insecurity, like I need to take a step back, and think, question, reflect on whether I'm doing the right thing and the best thing.

Right now, I'm only but a shadow of you.

Side Humour

After two "emo" posts (as some would call it), here's a happier one.

I told myself I'd recount the moments in the day that made me smile or made me happy.

I guess what made my day today was, ironically, Sarah.

Over lunch and the double Chinese period, I must admit the extended conversations we had were very much enjoyable. Somehow her lightheartedness just takes my mind off certain other things.

I do quote from when we were in 7-eleven:

"Isaac! I know who you love!"
"Err?! Right. Sure. That'd be me. I love myself."
"Nope. It's me!"

I don't suppose many saw the humour in that, but oh well. It has to be contextualised. And Sar drew all over my foolscape paper during Chinese. And we were playing this really stupid game - some word association.

Right. Left. Centre. Middle. Up. Down. Stairs. Lifts. Buildings. HDB. URA. Land. Sea. Air. Air Force. Planes. Missiles. Cuban Missile Crisis. Cold War. Soviet Union. Communism. Mao. Stalin. Lenin. Trotsky. Chomsky. (and the list goes on...)

To Love

Wisdom has it that it takes courage to love. Most of us probably can't begin to fathom what that really means till a significant loss has occurred.

What these annals of wisdom fail to add is that it is fearful to love.

To truly love someone, even if it were just a friend whom you hope could be closer and see more of, is truly one of the most terrifying experiences in the world.

True valour comes in truly loving someone.

Because love changes expectations but often expectations fail...

The Little Things We Call Expectations

Once again I'm left wondering whether humanity operates and communicates at the same wavelength.

Once again I feel let down by expectations.

Once again I feel I didn't know what to expect; what other people expect.

Maybe I was wrong. But you won't let me know.

Maybe I was wrong. I believed in second chances (maybe more).

Maybe I was wrong. I believed such things transcended time and space.

And one does ponder whether after all that's gone awry, human relationships do have second chances. By all human standards, forgiveness is the hardest virtue to practice.

Technology Fails

My post just got deleted.

Here's the crux of it. We got second for interhouse 7-a-side soccer and I'm left with a recurring ankle problem.

I think I'm starting to learn to live.

Defence-less

And at times like these I feel so lost; so opened up, like all the walls and fortresses I've constructed just vanished, as if they never existed in the first place.

I just feel so much smaller, so lost when everything's torn down and we meet.

And you sweep me off my feet, and engage me in other worlds I never knew existed. You take me to different places, and show me the universe through your eyes.

I am amazed.

You've shown me that everything else is but naught, and nothing truly matters. All conditions matter not, but it's the meeting of two souls.

Maybe it's something spiritual, or something deeper. But I am left enraptured by each of such encounters. I want to know more, I want to see, to know your world.

Yet I'm scared. I'm scared of knowing, of what you might say or think.

And I know I've never been this scared. I've never felt like this.

Now the roles are reversed. You are the teacher; I am the student. You show me what I need to know. You tear down all forms of security, and everything's exposed - faults, misdeeds, and all. No one else goes that far, knows so much.

Before you, imperfection never felt this perfect.

Running Off Course

Hmmm. Ran 4km today within two periods of PE. I guess it was a good workout. Ran 2.4km with Sean first, he clocked 10.45mins, I waited half a lap for him, so I don't know my timing. Then our wonderful PE period came along and we did 1.7km plus workout. I think I'm going to wake up sore tomorrow. And there's my shopping trip. Great.

Skipped a couple of lessons today to head down to Singapore Polytechnic for the MOE Literature Symposium. It was scheduled to be from 1.30pm to 6pm. So Bernice and I left school at 12pm to take a train down to Dover. We arrived at 1.20pm, only to find out that 1.30pm was when registration opened, and the events started only at 2.30pm! Since when did programmes include registration times?! Usually it's like, event starts at 1.30pm, please register before that. Oh well. So basically we went around Singapore Poly hunting down the library (for the air-conditioning) and we found it after search for 20 minutes.

Apparently the library has no books meant for leisure reading, but more of books on research. There was this whole section dedicated to biological hazards and radioactive waste products. They also have this really large CD/VCD/DVD collection! And JCs don't have such cool libraries. What has the MOE been doing all this time?!

So eventually we made our way back, and realised there was a book exhibition. Since it was a symposium on Singaporean Literature, you can guess what topics the books were about. Apparently they were taken out of Jurong Library and brought there. So Bernice and I ended up borrowing some books - she grabbed every single book on Singaporean poetry, while I merely borrowed an annotated copy of The Prophet by Gibran. Read it before, but the annotated copy caught my interest. That reminds me, I want to borrow a book from her when she's done reading it. I found it, but she got really high after seeing it as she found it once before in the reference section of the NLB and couldn't borrow it then. So eventually she got the book from me.

And if you're wondering how we managed to borrow 9 books, Bernice has 3 library cards. Yeah, let's all stare and give her weird looks. Oh, and did I mention some MOE photographer took pictures of her ecstatic reaction when she saw the book? So if you see my picture one day with this hyper girl jumping around holding a book, that's what happened.

Eventually the Symposium kicked off with some schools performing a Poetry Slam. St Nicks won, deservedly I feel. The RI one was really angsty. Then there was a speech by a minister, followed by Edwin Thumboo's speech on Singapore: Poetry, Continuity and Change. It was quite good, and spoke of the rising arts scene and literature of a nation, that shaped its culture and how various forms of expression were rising up in Singapore.

After the break, some teachers performed an excerpt of Haresh Sharma's Off Centre. Then finally, the much awaited panel discussion on The Writings of Singapore: Appeal and Accessibility. Panelists included Sharma himself, Alfian Sa'at, Madeleine Lee and Amy Luisita. However, I felt that was quite disappointing. Instead of focusing on the emergence of Singaporean literature, it became a discussion of new local texts involved in the future O Level Literature syllabus. That's what happens in an MOE symposium, where you're surrounded by 400 over teachers and the only other students there were a bunch of KC girls and two from HCI.

And, the best part of the symposium: Robert Yeo was sitting at the row in front of me! Goodness, it was so perfect! I wanted to ask him about his play and all, but he magically vanished after it ended. Robert Yeo, during the Q&A, questioned the rationale behind keeping texts like To Kill A Mockingbird in the O Levels syllabus, as they had been around for ages. He called it arcane and commented that the MOE surely had read more books exploring racial themes post 1950, after TKAM was written. Some lady responded to that by saying that the teachers did not have enough time to change every text. The majority of texts were changed every few years, with some remaining behind. She claimed that this would help new teachers as they would not have to come up with their own teaching materials and could rely on their colleagues for help. I honestly found that to be the rhetoric used to justify (the lack of) a course of action - the lack of time.

And we had free goodie bags from the symposium. A notebook, pencil, sharpener, and amongst the items - a bag of Suzuki Coffee Powder?! Hmmm... MOE does indeed have strange connections. I bet the teachers need loads of coffee, so they struck some deal with the coffee company or something.

And I left my Gibran book with Bernice. Arrgh.

Shopping tomorrow. How fun...

Little Things That Make Me Happy

Amusing conversations like the one that follows...

saac. - says:
so yeah.
saac. - says:
it's harder to transfer UP.
it's a small world says:
what's UP?
it's a small world says:
ohhhh.
it's a small world says:
haha.
it's a small world says:
that was weird and funny.
saac. - says:
yeahhh.
saac. - says:
i should capitalise more often. (:
it's a small world says:
huh?
saac. - says:
haha.nevermind.
saac. - says:
then you'll think it's some acronym.
saac. - says:
RIGHT?
it's a small world says:
what's RIGHT?
it's a small world says:
:)
saac. - says:
ohh. err. the opposite of LEFT / WRONG.
saac. - says:
:P
it's a small world says:
okay.
it's a small world says:
what's LEFT and WRONG?
it's a small world says:
i know! i know!
it's a small world says:
leaving wasted food behind.
saac. - says:
huh.
saac. - says:
OH!!!!!!!!!!!
saac. - says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
saac. - says:
riiiight.
saac. - says:
i get it!
saac. - says:
hahahahahaa.
saac. - says:
:)
it's a small world says:
this type of things are nice.
it's a small world says:
and i feel smart because you're slow.

And if all the world was perfect
I would only ever want to see your scars
You know they can have their universe
We'll be in the dirt designing stars

And if all the world was smiling
I would only ever want to see your frown
You know they can sail away in sunsets
We'll be right here stranded on the ground ;

Random Stuff

Bold the ones that apply to you, then stab 5 people to do it.

I miss somebody right now.
I don't watch TV these days.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games.
I've tried marijuana.
I have been in a threesome.
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes.
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. (I am smarter,duh.)
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I'm TOTALLY smart.
I've broken someone's bones.
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now
I LOVE sushi.
I talk really really fast.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D
I like the way i look. (who doesn't?)
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.
I have a lot of friends. (I guess?)
I am currently single. (but unavailable)
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
I enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop than eat.
I don't hate anyone.
I'm a pretty good dancer. (Believe it.)
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before. (Not a very nice thing...)
I have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I am shy around the opposite sex.
I have tried alcohol before.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past. (Ever played chess?)
I own the "South Park" movie.
I would die for my best friends.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and i like it.
I am happy at this moment!
I'm obsessed with guys.
I study for tests most ALL of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever i can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles. (Indeed...)
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.
I went college out of state.
I like sausages.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people.
I adore bright colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner. (Hmmm. More like Gwen...)
I don't know why the hell i just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I've ever written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I wear a toe ring.
I have a tattoo.
I can't stand at LEAST one person that i work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
I'm an artist. (In my own right...)
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy.
I am an adrenaline junkie.

Down to Earth

Hmmm. Someone told me to take a break from blogging about not-so-relevant things and more about my life, if I understood it correctly.

Well, today was a Tuesday, and Tuesdays are definitely not the most wonderful day of the week if you're in TJC IP2 as you end at 5.25pm, especially if you have an SS teacher that dismisses you 15 minutes late. Tuesdays are such terribly long days that they wear you out alot, and you look forward so much to lunch. But when it comes, it flies by so fast, and you realise that during Lang Arts you're really sleepy. I seriously have trouble staying awake on Tuesdays.

Okay, enough about Tuesdays. I won't type so much as I'm not attempting to replicate a bestselling novel of sorts with the day in it's name. I don't think I'll ever be famous anyway. I don't intend to be. Fame and Fortune have their prices... Costly ones too.

Well, in short, I basically wondered how I'd make it through today. On Tuesday's I'm usually snappy and easily ticked off because it's an annoyingly long day. I'm quite thankful I wasn't like that today. I thank God that none of the lessons were that boring, and that the day was alright, if not enjoyable. Indeed, He has shown His Love in the little things around me. And honestly, I feel blessed, really.

And it all comes to an end tomorrow. I guess I'm really proud of the TJC relay teams, especially the guys. I don't know if I've been around enough to warrant that emotion, but I really do feel that way. I remember the relays last year. We didn't do that well, but it was blatant for all to see that the relay team was a team, and not 4 individual fantastic runners. And I guess that's the strength of the Track team. We aren't as big as other JCs and all, but I'm glad for the fellowship that we (once) shared.

Thinking back, I remember that tomorrow exactly one year ago, the JC2s last year stepped down after dinner together. I guess it wasn't much of an issue to the JC1s, but I cried when they left. I mean, I do find it strange that I joined in April last year, and in 3 months people were leaving and it affected me. But I guess it was because Chee Jian and the rest of the JC2s really made me feel part of it, even though I was new and all. And the fact that I was the only IP tracker then didn't make me feel any different. Granted we did different workouts, but they were always there and the encouragement they gave still lingers on.

Track and Field - a seemingly individual sport. But if so, why'd were they so welcoming? Why did they bother to even run with me in training when they were finished? Why didn't they just rest and watch? Why did Yan Liang train so hard with me for last years Nationals even though he had his own events. Why did he go running with me just before my event (and his was up later)? Why was it the team never set a goal in terms of time for me, but only asked me to give my best?

And now I feel so lost after being out for so long. I feel it's mainly my fault, committing too much to other things, and not going for Track even if I could.

But it's too late for regrets now. I'll just be down tomorrow and cheer them on, as they have done for me.

TJC Track and Field - we may not be the best, but the best isn't always what we remember, and this certainly is. This is one thing worth staying for, amidsts all the chaos, confusion and conflict in the institution...

Connections

Globalisation makes the world a more connected place, or so they say. We form links wherever we go in life. We leave traces of ourselves in other people's lives as well. Like it or not, we have become a part of an environment, one in which we no longer exist as independent entities, and where choices made affect many different people - directly or indirectly.

But really, one does wonder if connections are really to be taken seriously. It's just like playing the blame game. Take for example the haze situation that happens here every now and then. Who do we blame? The Indonesian government for not controlling their farmers? Do we blame the farmers instead for not taking into consideration the people of neighbouring countries that are affected by it?

To what extent are we allowed to meddle and interfere in the issues of others? If the trees are found on Indonesian land, why can't the farmers burn them? Isn't it their right to? What can the Singaporean government do? Can we prevent them from doing so? Are we allowed to take action against them for burning trees in their land even though it affects us?

Similarly, this applies for relationships. When will we learn to consider events and people separate from each other? If John and Sally are best friends, and Michael is on bad terms with Sally, does that mean that John would not like Michael because of his relationship with Sally? If this was actually practised by us all, we would all be in bipolar world and state of existence and we might just see a semblance of the Cold War again.

But even at a personal level, these things do exist. How many times have we heard friends arguing, and we were caught in the crossfire and issued the ultimatum to choose between them; between keeping one and losing the other? Why do such situations exist?

Some may argue, that to avoid such bipolarity, one must indeed be hypocritical and take on different persona when interacting with different people. The other alternative is for the entire world to get along fine with each other, and we'd exist as a "happy collective unit". Yes, the phrasing is meant to bring out the impossibility and child-like mindsets of those subscribing to that viewpoint. So from that, we clearly see that being hypocritical would clearly be choosing between the lesser of two evils.

Why people choose to remain interconnected and relate every single event still bewilders me. So if Paul kills Jack, Jack's family would then hate Paul, his family, his friends, his friends' families and their friends, and their friends and families, and so on, because they are related to Jack's murderer. In that case, they might as well hate God for creating Paul. Yet God created Jack, so they should hate God, and that implies they should hate themselves as God created them. That roughly portrays the whole idea behind such connections.

Yet, we cannot live and survive as independent entities without connections. And this again reflects our dual or hypocritical personality.

What we would give to find that balance in life...

New Centuries

Maybe I should start a public blog and blog about sexuality and all.

Maybe then my teachers will send me for counselling.

Maybe they'll also think I had sex.

Maybe the system is just too rigid.

Maybe... maybe...

******

For those who get it, good. If you don't get the references, well, too bad.

Two Hundred

That's the number of posts so far.

LCE tomorrow. Don't even know if I want to go.

There's just this innate desire to be alone. I guess I'm annoyed by certain people. I don't know. I've been rather annoyed today. I see ______, and I feel annoyed. I turn around and see ______ and I'm annoyed again. (blanks do not equate the number of letters.)

Reading the Singapore Trilogy now for my Lang Arts project.

I need to call Alex soon with regards to the Math project.

Hopefully, it's two more terms till I leave this god forsaken place. My future is not in such an institution that advocates such an ammoral environment.

the ultimate freedom is the freedom to leave

Track

Okay, I have to confess, I miss Track and Field.

So maybe I'm not running Nationals with the injuries and all, and lately I've realised I'm using those injuries as excuses not to run. I suppose it's a way of hiding from the dreams that you had set out to accomplish but failed. The 1500m heats are tomorrow, and Khing's still doing B Div. The scary thing is that two Sec 3s these year - one from Sports School and the other from VS (hurrah?) - beat Ronghua's timing when he got first last year. That is just scary. 4.07 minutes?! My PB was around 4.30 minutes. How I ran 6 minutes last year astounds me. I think it's due to the lack of training in the June holidays. Come to think of it, I did a 6 minutes too for Sports Day this year. Then again, that wasn't a competitive one, and I hadn't been training either. PB came last May when I was training really hard.

I miss the trainings. I miss the warm ups around the track. I miss the runs to East Coast and back with Yan Liang, Yew Boon, Yong Qi, Arvin and Alvin. I miss that adrenaline rush and determination that let me run around 55 seconds for the last of a 8 x 400m training session, beating the seniors and all. No, I'm not bragging that I did that. I'm proud I did that, but only because it goes to show how far determination gets you in Track. Half the battle's in the mind.

During PE on Tuesday, we basically ran 2.4km for our NAPFA practice, and I ended up running with Mr Fung and getting my 9 minutes. That's about 1.30 minutes per lap if you don't know. I'm aiming for an 8.30 if I run. I don't even know if I'm supposed to. I'm worried that it'll affect me in the long term, as most injuries do. And then P Gary's worried about playing me in soccer for the same reason.

Anyway, back to Track. I guess what I miss most is the spirit and teamwork within the team. Granted, the team isn't as good as other JCs like VJ or RJ, yet the unity pulls us through to do the best we can, for ourselves and for the team. I remember the shouting and "faster! you can do its" from last year's Nationals. No other guys did that. Girls cheer for each other most of the time anyway... I suppose it's what makes TJ Track different.

And it's sad to think I might be leaving next year. Do I want to leave? That's a whole different story.

Incomplete Work

I still have not thought of what I'll be doing for my Lang Arts project. There's... 5 weeks left? I think it's time I started panicking. I can't seem to settle down on any particular choice of topic? My interests are quite diverse and all.

I really should get started on Math. I don't even know what I want to do.

I think I should start using my brain more and stop counting on that emotional impulse to get me through. I need to start doing what I want, as selfish as it sounds. I'm sick of holding on already. I'll leave, and come back if I want. I'm not going to let the emotional attachment tie me down.

Bas said that ultimately what matters most is your relationship with God. There's too much fuss kicked up nowadays about anything other than that. But really, that's the crux of it - it's what matters most. Who cares if I walk out just because I don't like the whole system and feel it's one messed up one? I've nothing against the system; I have issues with those running it. I'm just caught in the maelstrom of emotions - on one hand, I feel that I should forgive and let go of it, yet the issue constantly resurfaces in other forms and I can't help but feel it's impossible to forgive such people.

Yet someone once told me, (and how we all so easily forget) that He died for those who crucified Him. What could compare to that?

Updates

Germany won.

Federer won.

Italy won.

And we all know that in history, no one remembers the losers.

What Lies Before Me

And as I sit here staring into eternity, not comprehending what stares back at me, I ponder upon the choices I make in my life. Just hours ago, I was made to choose between two paths. The choice was a tough one, and it's one of those you would immediately take a stand verbally, but when it comes to actually choosing it, your confidence falters.

Choosing between a worn out path and the unknown one; choosing between familiarity, yet staleness, discontentment, disillusionment, and absolute freedom (and destruction?) isn't always easy.

Despite my desire to fly away, I felt the call to stay. I chooe to give of myself again, to take the hard way out, and do what's (supposedly) best for me. I chose this at a price. I could have easily walked free, said goodbye to the weekend life of the past 16 years, and freed more time to enjoy myself.

It's laying down my pride and all. It's not easy, and I'm still not convinced I've made the right choice for me, which people claim is a selfish thing to do, and stems from pride as well. How absolutely brilliant.

Someone, anyone, tell me why I should stay. It's not to make you beg me to; I just need to hear it and believe it...I hope.

She Said, She Said, She Said Why Don't You Just Drop Dead

Goodness. This is not good. I'm getting as emotional as the pms-ing population of the world. Okay, that was mean. But I'm sure I've made my point.

Despite the supposed light-heartedness of it all, I find myself getting increasingly affected and disturbed by certain...individuals. I don't even know why. It's just the mention of them or their presence that makes me really uncomfortable. It somehow just ticks me off.

I know we're supposed to be forgiving and all, but that has never really been my strong point. But looking back, I am reminded of the pride someone laid down to apologise for my sake (not to me), and I'm wondering why can't I do the same. It's not nice when you bottle up too much. You end up cracking and that's not really a good thing now, is it?

I think my vocabulary has been severely affected by Math. I'm typing like... a kid of sorts? Oh nevermind. I suppose kids are more innocent than we all are, and innocence is such an attractive quality, especially in a world so perverse and corrupt.

But really, I've found it an increasing struggle of late to make a stand for what I believe in. I'm not acting like I should be, and it's unknowingly become a part of me. I guess there are things that I need to change. If you told me I would be like this one year ago, I'd tell you you're insane. That's how much I've changed, and it's been oh-so-subtle.

And yes, there's the growing discontentment with regard to a specific area of my life which I appear highly involved in. It seems I'm perennially at odds with those people. I sense, somewhat, a prejudice starting to build up. It only happens to me, and not other people who go through the same thing. Someone once told me there are always two viewpoints to a matter - you can take it positively, or negatively. By natural instinct, I would react negatively and get all worked up about the whole issue. Yet, something deep down tells me to hang on, as there's more that's worth staying on for.

And the inner conflict ensues...

Leaving

"That was what gave me the impetus to do this - to do what I should have done millenia ago. Perhaps this is the ultimate freedom, eh, Dreamlord? The freedom to leave."

"I thought that we would fight, Prince Lucifer."

"Fight? No. No fighting. I'm tired of fighting Morpheus."

"But your responsibilities?"

"I have no responsibilities - not any more."

-- Dialogue between Dream and Lucifer, Season of Mists.



"I told him that there was always freedom. Even the ultimate freedom - the freedom to leave. You don't have to stay anywhere forever."

-- Lucifer to Delirium, The Kindly Ones.

Slow Dance

This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

Shiny Happy People

And suddenly, all my problems fade into insignificance.

You know I'll be there for you, even if it kills me.

There's no hiding when it comes to you.

*****

Shout Your Fame was good. I guess they gave their all, and should be proud of themselves. I'm not disappointed that I didn't make it. The practises would have killed me with my schedule. I spent the morning studying Geog, and I'm off to Serene on Youth Day to study again. How fun.

Stuff happened later, and sometimes I ask if I expect too much of myself. Is it too much to do so, or is it just a matter of stepping out from where I am?

put it in your heart where tomorrow shines

Fade Into Existence

Rather paradoxical title there. Go figure it out yourself.

And it's at times like this I re-evaluate my life; sometimes you just want to die.

There are things worth living for. I'm not some suicidal maniac. But somethings things just wear you down so bad. It's the re-emergence of issues and conditions from the past.

Those thoughts are getting more frequent now. It's only a matter of time before the string snaps on it's own; the Fates don't need to cut it for me. I'm hearing voices in my head now.

jump

Renewal

New perspectives, new goals. That's the beginning of Term 3 for me. There's still the constant (and ever-growing) desire to get out of where I am at the end of the year. Marcus is right. There's just this undercurrent of envy and suspicion beneath the warm and friendly, familial atmosphere. I swear it spreads down from the staff to the students. It may not be blatantly obvious, but if you're observant enough, the signs do show.

1) Can I make it out? Considering I'm not taking my Os, I suppose I need to do well for my EOYs.

2) Can I make it out? Will they accept me?

The former's more of a personal challenge. The latter's external circumstances beyond my control.

Sis kindly went over the points needed to make it into the different streams in different schools. TJC Arts Stream: 16 points! (9 more than the Science Stream) VJC Arts Stream: 6. RJC Arts Stream: 5. Now one does wonder whether it might have been worth it to take the Os, and hopefully get into RJC and wake up later. It's much nearer to my place. Much.

Prospects of AC or SA seem decent enough.

Chemistry today was alright. I think I'm still prone to having an information overload though. It's in my head, and all the answers come at once and I just freak out and forget stuff. I'm serious! Oh well. Math tomorrow. I'm done with Differentiation. Integration's a killer. Study session with Sis over the phone later. Not sure how effective that'll be though. Hopefully Math A and Math B are combined. P&C and Probability shouldn't pose too much of a challenge. Aiming for an 80% on that paper. I have started aiming above myself now. Study hard, put in more effort (not the bare mininum needed to get a good grade), and I should go places. Speaking of places, Beale, Marc and I were discussing scholarships and all today. It's just strange. The different callings and ambitions we have, and how far we're willing to go in our studies and then there's God's Calling. Complicated issues really. One can only pray and watch.