So tomorrow's what it all comes down to - the release of the Promo results. It'll be a time of joy and fulfillment for some, a time of disappointment, anguish and sorrow for others.
Strangely enough I feel I belong to the latter group.
Across the past two days two teachers have told me that I haven't performed up to standard. I guess I am disappointed about not performing well, or at least as well as I know I could have. But more than that I feel disappointed that I've let them down.
I don't quite seem to understand why people, or rather teachers, have such high hopes of me. Nick says it's because of the cliched "you've got potential young man, don't waste it" rhetoric that floods your head after a while. I didn't do too well for IH; hopefully SEA will pull me up. I didn't do too well for my Econs DRQ; hopefully my essay will save me again. 11/20 + 19/25 for Terms didn't end up too badly.
I'm honestly scared, I'll admit that. My confidence is shaken. The ground on which I stand no longer holds firm anymore.
Help me to trust you Lord, to know that You have plans for me; to know that You have my future in the palm of Your Hand. Help me to accept whatever comes my way with joy, and not sorrow.
More than that Lord, help me to trust what I cannot understand. Give me faith Lord, to believe in the goodness in others. Despite what's been said, I still choose to believe otherwise. Let me know You are in control Lord.
Amen.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
DC4C
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is going to drown
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is going to drown
Monday, October 01, 2007
Ennui
Ennui
by Sylvia Plath
Tea leaves thwart those who court catastrophe,
designing futures where nothing will occur:
cross the gypsy’s palm and yawning she
will still predict no perils left to conquer.
Jeopardy is jejune now: naïve knight
finds ogres out-of-date and dragons unheard
of, while blasé princesses indict
tilts at terror as downright absurd.
The beast in Jamesian grove will never jump,
compelling hero’s dull career to crisis;
and when insouciant angels play God’s trump,
while bored arena crowds for once look eager,
hoping toward havoc, neither pleas nor prizes
shall coax from doom’s blank door lady or tiger.
by Sylvia Plath
Tea leaves thwart those who court catastrophe,
designing futures where nothing will occur:
cross the gypsy’s palm and yawning she
will still predict no perils left to conquer.
Jeopardy is jejune now: naïve knight
finds ogres out-of-date and dragons unheard
of, while blasé princesses indict
tilts at terror as downright absurd.
The beast in Jamesian grove will never jump,
compelling hero’s dull career to crisis;
and when insouciant angels play God’s trump,
while bored arena crowds for once look eager,
hoping toward havoc, neither pleas nor prizes
shall coax from doom’s blank door lady or tiger.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Where I End and You Begin
I'm on the road to completing studying for Promos. Finished Brave New World with Nicole today, and I think I'm done with Math. Be jealous.
And once again I'm back to the place where the world seems fine but I know it's not. I think I'll always have this struggle with God. When things are going good in my Walk, everything else crumbles and falls. When I'm falling away, life is good. Someone once asked why I did not fall away, seeing clearly, in his words, that life is better without God. But I know that's not true. Life with God was never meant to be a bed of roses. God molds us through challenges and trials, and we get stretched and we grow.
CF Installation today was good. I think I enjoyed service. It was a breather from grounds I know so well. I think I need to love my Comm though. I know I don't. It's like, more of a working relationship, but somehow that's not exactly right. I want God to work in us and through us for ACJC. Events like REW and Passion AC can't merely be events we hold due to tradition, but they are platforms for God to move. I admit I cannot understand the shallow, myopic, narrowmindedness of certain people, I seriously don't understand how they can do they things they do. But I know I need to reserve judgment, for it is not mine to give.
And maybe starting over was the best decision I've ever made this year. I think we're both happy now (I know I am). I know I'm beginning to trust; to open up; to learn to be vulnerable. I know I might end up hurt, but I'm learning to trust that you won't use me. People say we'll never really truly know or be able to describe what love is. I admit I'll never fully know what it means to love, or to even love, but from what I know of it, I know I do love you.
I still feel this song sums it up aptly.
Giving It Away
by Mae
By the way you brought me here
It makes me believe
The best is still yet to come
And I don't want to leave
Forgive my hesitation
But I'm learning to trust in you
Help me to dream these dreams
Because I don't have a clue
If you'd be honest
And say what you mean
You know I would promise
I'd do anything because
I know that without you
I'm giving it away
Is this what you wanted?
Cause I'm willing to change
Now that I'm certain
That there's much more to gain
You've introduced me to the moment
But I'm looking to stay for good
You asked me to stay forever
Well, you know that I would
I would do anything
If you'd be honest
And say what you mean
You know I would promise
I'd do anything because
I know that without you
I'm giving it away
The nights are forever
And maybe I'm wrong
But it feels like
I'm so lost without you
So I step towards the heat
It's the way I can see
And it makes me believe that it's you
By the way you brought me here
It makes me believe
The best is still yet to come
And I don't want to leave
I won't, but anyway
If you'd be honest
And say what you mean
You know I would promise
I'd do anything because
The nights are forever
I can't get to sleep cause
I know there's a reason
I'm in this too deep
And I'm sure that without you
I'm giving it away
Giving it away
And once again I'm back to the place where the world seems fine but I know it's not. I think I'll always have this struggle with God. When things are going good in my Walk, everything else crumbles and falls. When I'm falling away, life is good. Someone once asked why I did not fall away, seeing clearly, in his words, that life is better without God. But I know that's not true. Life with God was never meant to be a bed of roses. God molds us through challenges and trials, and we get stretched and we grow.
CF Installation today was good. I think I enjoyed service. It was a breather from grounds I know so well. I think I need to love my Comm though. I know I don't. It's like, more of a working relationship, but somehow that's not exactly right. I want God to work in us and through us for ACJC. Events like REW and Passion AC can't merely be events we hold due to tradition, but they are platforms for God to move. I admit I cannot understand the shallow, myopic, narrowmindedness of certain people, I seriously don't understand how they can do they things they do. But I know I need to reserve judgment, for it is not mine to give.
And maybe starting over was the best decision I've ever made this year. I think we're both happy now (I know I am). I know I'm beginning to trust; to open up; to learn to be vulnerable. I know I might end up hurt, but I'm learning to trust that you won't use me. People say we'll never really truly know or be able to describe what love is. I admit I'll never fully know what it means to love, or to even love, but from what I know of it, I know I do love you.
I still feel this song sums it up aptly.
Giving It Away
by Mae
By the way you brought me here
It makes me believe
The best is still yet to come
And I don't want to leave
Forgive my hesitation
But I'm learning to trust in you
Help me to dream these dreams
Because I don't have a clue
If you'd be honest
And say what you mean
You know I would promise
I'd do anything because
I know that without you
I'm giving it away
Is this what you wanted?
Cause I'm willing to change
Now that I'm certain
That there's much more to gain
You've introduced me to the moment
But I'm looking to stay for good
You asked me to stay forever
Well, you know that I would
I would do anything
If you'd be honest
And say what you mean
You know I would promise
I'd do anything because
I know that without you
I'm giving it away
The nights are forever
And maybe I'm wrong
But it feels like
I'm so lost without you
So I step towards the heat
It's the way I can see
And it makes me believe that it's you
By the way you brought me here
It makes me believe
The best is still yet to come
And I don't want to leave
I won't, but anyway
If you'd be honest
And say what you mean
You know I would promise
I'd do anything because
The nights are forever
I can't get to sleep cause
I know there's a reason
I'm in this too deep
And I'm sure that without you
I'm giving it away
Giving it away
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Giving Unreservedly
Let me pen down my thoughts on something. I desperately need to get it out of my system.
Maybe I thought of being nice today, and stayed back to wait for someone after school. I texted the person to call me when she's done with lessons and all. 4.30pm - the bell rang, signaling the end of the day. I called. No response.
I waited, and called another 7 times. Still no response. By the time it was 5pm, I decided to leave school but take my fury back home with me.
On the way back, I rationalised what could have happened. Maybe she was busy. But why couldn't she pick up the phone? A whole stream of thoughts crossed my mind, and none seemed to justify my half hour spent waiting, plus the hour I spent doing nothing because I wanted to wait.
And it turns out she ended PW at 6.30pm, and couldn't pick up the phone as she was rushing work. Does it all seem justified to you?
You know, it does. You would agree. I had no right to get angry. Really. If anything, it was my choice to wait. She never agreed to anything. It was my initiative.
And you know what? Initiatives are one sided things. Reciprocated they make someone's day, unreciprocated and they tear your world apart. But at the end of the day, it is my fault. Definitely. No one could blame her as she never agreed to anything.
And at the end of it all, I waited, and all she had to say was, "It's okay."
Damn you it's not okay.
Why is there always a bloody price to give unreservedly? Yes, once again it risks getting hurt and being disappointed. But you have no one to blame but yourself, because you tried to. It was never an agreement.
And just yesterday I said I'd try to do so. I just can't take it. Seriously. I think this is killing me.
When everything's good, it's ever so smooth sailing, and you feel on top of the world. Yet when things go wrong, it never rains but pours. Why? I can't figure it out. I can't figure you out. Maybe I don't know myself. Maybe I'm not ready.
So many fears and insecurities at present. This is more than I can handle. And this is why I'll lift my eyes to You Lord. I'll let you take control. I guess I haven't really been doing that.
Maybe I thought of being nice today, and stayed back to wait for someone after school. I texted the person to call me when she's done with lessons and all. 4.30pm - the bell rang, signaling the end of the day. I called. No response.
I waited, and called another 7 times. Still no response. By the time it was 5pm, I decided to leave school but take my fury back home with me.
On the way back, I rationalised what could have happened. Maybe she was busy. But why couldn't she pick up the phone? A whole stream of thoughts crossed my mind, and none seemed to justify my half hour spent waiting, plus the hour I spent doing nothing because I wanted to wait.
And it turns out she ended PW at 6.30pm, and couldn't pick up the phone as she was rushing work. Does it all seem justified to you?
You know, it does. You would agree. I had no right to get angry. Really. If anything, it was my choice to wait. She never agreed to anything. It was my initiative.
And you know what? Initiatives are one sided things. Reciprocated they make someone's day, unreciprocated and they tear your world apart. But at the end of the day, it is my fault. Definitely. No one could blame her as she never agreed to anything.
And at the end of it all, I waited, and all she had to say was, "It's okay."
Damn you it's not okay.
Why is there always a bloody price to give unreservedly? Yes, once again it risks getting hurt and being disappointed. But you have no one to blame but yourself, because you tried to. It was never an agreement.
And just yesterday I said I'd try to do so. I just can't take it. Seriously. I think this is killing me.
When everything's good, it's ever so smooth sailing, and you feel on top of the world. Yet when things go wrong, it never rains but pours. Why? I can't figure it out. I can't figure you out. Maybe I don't know myself. Maybe I'm not ready.
So many fears and insecurities at present. This is more than I can handle. And this is why I'll lift my eyes to You Lord. I'll let you take control. I guess I haven't really been doing that.
Into Your Hand
I commit again
With all I am
For You Lord
Psalm 139:24
"See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
I commit again
With all I am
For You Lord
Psalm 139:24
"See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
Monday, July 09, 2007
I Lied
I'm back here once again.
I don't suppose anyone reads this, so this should probably be private, though I'll never know for sure. I guess I'll take the chance anyway.
It's been hell, really. I think one word will be the bane of my existence - commitment. I'm tired from everything. I'm tired from serving in church; I no longer see a point in doing so. My passion just isn't there anymore. And the admin matters behind closed doors just kill any passion you had which caused you to start in the first place. And people nowadays are just ungrateful (insert word here). I will not be self-righteous and say I can serve without recognition and be content with just knowing that what I do is the right thing. It's too idealistic, really. Deep down we all want to be appreciated, to know that what we're doing is worth it. At times, I wish self-validation would suffice, and thankfully it still does, to a certain extent.
And I think I'm spiralling downwards. I'm feeling my lowest now this year, when everything seems to be going well. Such in the constant contrast between appearance and reality.
No I'm not going on an emo rant about how life sucks. That's just stupid, really.
I think what I want right now is freedom - freedom from judgment, freedom from commitments, freedom from myself. It's strange, but true. I feel so imprisoned, so tied down, so repressed (and no, it's not sexual desires). I just want to escape from this for a while, to take a break from all that I have to do. It's starting to wear me down.
I guess I need to spend time with God. Just shut myself in, and just let go in His Presence. Honestly, it's been so long since I've felt that freedom. I've been caught up with serving, giving, but not receiving.
And I'm thankful for all the friends around:
Bronson: for taking time off on Sunday to meet me for dinner, no matter how short. It was surprising, really. But I suppose best friends never fail you when you need them the most. Thanks for just listening, and being there. Love you bro.
Rachael: for the constant smses of encouragement, and the sharing of our struggles in CF/ SFC. It's not easy, but we'll pull through. You've been someone I can openly share with, and we're almost in similar situations, and I thank God for placing you in my life.
Charmaine: for being my poke-person. Haha. No seriously, just having you around makes life simple, nice and not stressful. You're like my real life stressball, except I poke you. (: Thanks for being there and listening to me even though you have that "I'm lost" expression most of the time. AND YOU ARE SCANDALOUS NO9.
Joanna: you may not know it, but you're the only one who really made me smile this weekend. How you know I'm not feeling good even though I don't talk to you much still astounds me. Thanks for just putting that smile back on my face, with your random msgs. The unpredictability of it all is perhaps the best part of it.
Chloe: for noticing the small things others don't, and for just being there when I need someone. You're never there in my glorious moments, but you're there when I fall and need someone there to pick up me. Most importantly, thank you for believing in me. You were the one who taught me to believe - in others and in myself.
I don't suppose anyone reads this, so this should probably be private, though I'll never know for sure. I guess I'll take the chance anyway.
It's been hell, really. I think one word will be the bane of my existence - commitment. I'm tired from everything. I'm tired from serving in church; I no longer see a point in doing so. My passion just isn't there anymore. And the admin matters behind closed doors just kill any passion you had which caused you to start in the first place. And people nowadays are just ungrateful (insert word here). I will not be self-righteous and say I can serve without recognition and be content with just knowing that what I do is the right thing. It's too idealistic, really. Deep down we all want to be appreciated, to know that what we're doing is worth it. At times, I wish self-validation would suffice, and thankfully it still does, to a certain extent.
And I think I'm spiralling downwards. I'm feeling my lowest now this year, when everything seems to be going well. Such in the constant contrast between appearance and reality.
No I'm not going on an emo rant about how life sucks. That's just stupid, really.
I think what I want right now is freedom - freedom from judgment, freedom from commitments, freedom from myself. It's strange, but true. I feel so imprisoned, so tied down, so repressed (and no, it's not sexual desires). I just want to escape from this for a while, to take a break from all that I have to do. It's starting to wear me down.
I guess I need to spend time with God. Just shut myself in, and just let go in His Presence. Honestly, it's been so long since I've felt that freedom. I've been caught up with serving, giving, but not receiving.
And I'm thankful for all the friends around:
Bronson: for taking time off on Sunday to meet me for dinner, no matter how short. It was surprising, really. But I suppose best friends never fail you when you need them the most. Thanks for just listening, and being there. Love you bro.
Rachael: for the constant smses of encouragement, and the sharing of our struggles in CF/ SFC. It's not easy, but we'll pull through. You've been someone I can openly share with, and we're almost in similar situations, and I thank God for placing you in my life.
Charmaine: for being my poke-person. Haha. No seriously, just having you around makes life simple, nice and not stressful. You're like my real life stressball, except I poke you. (: Thanks for being there and listening to me even though you have that "I'm lost" expression most of the time. AND YOU ARE SCANDALOUS NO9.
Joanna: you may not know it, but you're the only one who really made me smile this weekend. How you know I'm not feeling good even though I don't talk to you much still astounds me. Thanks for just putting that smile back on my face, with your random msgs. The unpredictability of it all is perhaps the best part of it.
Chloe: for noticing the small things others don't, and for just being there when I need someone. You're never there in my glorious moments, but you're there when I fall and need someone there to pick up me. Most importantly, thank you for believing in me. You were the one who taught me to believe - in others and in myself.
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