Random Reciprocation

This is in response to someone's post. The person shall remain anonymous. You know who you are though.

Let's see...where to begin? Ah yes, Infused '05. Same camp group, and we kind of hit it off quite well. I guess I only started talking to you on the bus ride back, about the GEP and all, since you were leaving it for greener pastures (or so we believe). Well, then came the random smses and late night calls. And of course, we have the get-rich-quick scheme, and I've made quite a bit up to date: $4 and dinner. Not bad. But well, it works, and I don't suppose I'll get more out of it. I think I'm going to be a contributor really soon.

Oh, and did I mention I like the presents? Stars and the err, Jigglypuff lookalike thing. It's really cute! It bounces too! And you know what? You were one of the few who managed to give me my present on time too. So that's a good thing! Wait, you gave it to me early. Does that count? Hmmm...

And yes, the recent scandals have been really entertaining. Our signing offs from MSN, the goodnight messages, posting silly posts like this... they are quite amusing. Really. And besides, you can't deny you love me, as much as you try to! (Sis is going to kill me. Haha.) Twin claims you're scandalous too! So there. Thou art scandalous.

Right. That's all dearie. Happy?

Twenty-Sixth April

A year to the good now.

Things have changed rather drastically, and so have people. The world as we knew it is no more. The scars and wounds are still fresh from battles fought, and it will not easily be forgotten, under rug swept. So here's to the times we shared, the times we loved, the times we spent.

Here's to the wedding that never was... (how cryptic can one get?)

Dreamtime

I supposed I think more when I'm out of sorts. So here's the third post for today.

"You believe that reality is something objective, external, existing in it's own right. You also believe that the nature of reality is self evident. When you delude yourself into thinking that you see something, you assume that everyone else sees the same thing as you. But I tell you Winston, that reality is not external. Reality exists in the human mind, nowhere else." -- George Orwell, 1984

Till this day, Orwell's haunting definition of reality and areality, the real from the dreaming, the objective from the surreal, haunts my consciousness.

How do we distinguish the real from the unreal, the living from the dead, the state of consciousness from that of dreams? Freud has postulated that the dreamstate is a continuum of reality, a playground for the jostlings between the id, ego and superego. Dreams perform and enact our desires kept in check by social expectations and norms. Yet oftentimes dreams can feel so 'real'; we feel the fear we experience in dreams, we feel pain, we weep to discover wet pillows. We react physiologically to the psychological impulses sent by the mind. Yet where does the mind wander to in the state of dreams? What happens to our state of consciousness? So why are dreams considered 'unreal' and dismissed readily as myths and fairy tales?

Isn't existence merely in the mind? Are the physiological and emotional experiences similar to that experienced in dreams? How do we know we exist and weren't part of a larger state of dreaming? Isn't reality only conceived by the mind and nothing else? How do we know we 'exist'?

Can Descartes' assertion of existence as that which is solely perceived in the mind be true? Can existence be independent of the mind?

The amateur philosopher's question: "If a tree falls down in the woods and no one is around to hear it- does it make a sound?" Yet this very question questions the concept of existence. Do I exist only because others know I exist? I exist because my mind is able to comprehend my being as object.

But when the mind ceases to function, would I still exist? How do we comprehend reality without the mind? If so, would altering the mind's concept of the 'real' and 'unreal' not alter radically what existence is?

Somehow, reality doesn't seem that real after all. Yet one does question, with the seemingly impossible distinction between a state of reality and a state of dreaming, why the need for escapism, ever so prevalent today?

Cure

There is no cure for the disease which has struck humanity since Eden: imperfection.

And one can do nothing, but accept the harsh reality that no matter how far we progress seeking immortality, we always fall short.

Failure

Debate finals: we lost.

And I have no idea why it's so haunting. Scenes keep replaying themselves over and over in my head.

I should have said that earlier.

I missed this point out.

What do I say next.

Which of the 7 points do I tackle.

Perhaps I feel a sense of injustice is done. But really, I would rather everyone leave me alone right now. Now's not the time to tell me what went wrong. Now's not the time to have a laugh about how we made it this far with terrible group dynamics. Now's not the time to say the motion was against us - that's why we lost.

We lost because we failed to engage. We didn't lose because we weren't better; our case was slightly better than theirs. We lost because of our shortcomings, because we worked alone.

Half of me feels that it's alright, we should move on from here. The other half feels betrayed - who put in the most work to prepare for this? Who hounded the other two speakers for their speeches. Who was the one left with empty promises of quality that was never delivered?

I know, I'll never say it to their faces. And this lack of responsibility shown by my peers is just astounding. I work with a speaker who doesn't care about the outcome, and one who cannot give anything of standard. I'm not saying I'm without flaws, but I know I've done my part - for myself, and for the 'team'.

'Team'... Right. Something I never did believe in. Collective groups of individuals who cannot lay aside their selfish motives. I admit, I never like groupwork and all that. It makes you rely on others too much, when you know they'll let you down. Just take the SS globalisation blog for example. 3 out of 5 people have not posted, and it's week 6 already.

Really. I think I've had enough of this already. Perhaps this is the turning point for the year. I'm getting really really sick of the things in school: certain people (aside from the seemingly obvious ones), situations, projects, and the like. My patience is wearing thin, and I'm close to snapping. So push the wrong button, and be ready to incur my wrath.

Rest

After the exhiliration from TJ winning the debate, almost clinching 1st place for 100m (meaning I was second), beating Hon Boon at the last 40m to claim the gold for 4x100m, and realising I was the best performer for IP guys for the Track and Field meet (no mention of course, only Grace Khoo gets mentioned. What bullshit. Screwed PE department. We're a smaller batch so we can only have a best performer from the combined cohort of guys and girls?! What absolute bullshit. So what if Grace broke a record?!), I finally get to rest. And rest well I did - 12 hours in fact.

And one wakes to a new day, and realises that the brief respite is never enough. A new week soon begins - and there's the finals of the interclass debate. Why oh why can't we just send Mariam, Kerry and Melody in to win the stupid thing and get it over and done with?

So much for Melody's speech on "you've made it this far, and what counts is that you give your best." That was what I told her before the debate on Friday, how ironic that she uses it against me.

Off to take calls. Conference calls are scandalous. Period.

Sesquipedalian

I love long words; and I've been playing hangman quite alot today.

I guess it's because we had two really really boring talks on dating and physiotherapy, thus Melody and I resorted to playing hangman. And here's where the fun begins...

Melody's turn. Category: word to describe Isaac

"You'll never guess this word!"

(time passes by...)

I eventually get the word. Melody freaks out.

"Bet you don't know what it means."

"But I still got the word, so I win."

"No, it means ugly."

"Right."

"And only smart people like me know such long words."

"Fine, let's ask Kerry."

(we proceed to the canteen to find Kerry.)

"Kerry, what does ________ mean?"

"Oh. Err, good looking and lively, or something along that lines?"

(here's where Melody breaks into hysterics)

"HAHA!!! Really?"

"No, it can't be!"

"Let's go check dictionary.com"

(we check the website)

"Oh my goodness, it means Characterized by or having great physical beauty and appeal; having great physical beauty."

Yeah. Such a fun day.

Oh, and the word is pulchritudinous.

I love hangman.

Hold Me

Week 5 has begun. And the pace of life just seems to increase with each passing week - more work, more deadlines, more stress (which, like Melody said, is probably self-inflicted). I've gotten back my results today, and they're fairly alright, except a Band 3 for Chinese, where Mr Gan seems to constantly mock me. He gave me a 49, which is a mark away from a Band 2. So I now have to make do with a terrible Band 3 on my progress report. Arrgh.

I admit I'm close to breaking point already. This is just going to be another hectic week - essays to complete, debates to prepare for, races to train for - and life continues spinning out of control. Once again I feel like the gyre of life is spinning, accelerating beyond any known means of controlling and subduing it, and soon it will leave a trail of vapour in its wake. I think I'm losing my sense of security, and Jeann's right, it's time to get back to God.

There's no longer any time to think, to reflect, to ponder, to appreciate, to love.

I think the stressball (of sorts) Chermy gave me will be worn out by the end of the month. Oh, and I need to think of presents to get people. It's not easy to return the favour when someone spends quite a considerable sum of money on your birthday. I'm guessing it's close to...oh wait, people do read this. Well, I would think 3 digits. Seriously, on gifts and dinner.

Oh whatever. I'm not completing Lang Arts, for once in my life. Jo's right. There are more important things in life compared to academic grades and performances. I think I'm neglecting my personal well-being. I need my beauty sleep. I'm getting pimples. Oh my beautiful face...

Of Birthdays and Cakes

Started the day off terribly by trying to finish work before I slept and woke up 6 hours later to go down to church. But thankfully things took a turn for the better.

I was telling Sis over the phone how all I wanted was for someone to remember, and surprisingly, someone did. And that's all that mattered. The day passed by rather quickly. Cake in church with Jeann, Sis, Dre, Josh and others, followed by the concert at Marc's church. The 4 juniors, otherwise known as the Late Queens, dragged me to Secret Recipe and got me a slice of cheesecake. After which, Melody and I cabbed down to catch Inside Man at Plaza Sing, before heading for dinner.

The gifts aren't everything really. For once, the cliche of "it's the thought that counts" holds true. It's no longer the physical manifestation of thought that matters, but rather, it's heartwarming to know that someone does remember, and that's more than enough for me.

Sweet Sixteen

...or is it?

Happy Birthday Turtle. I hope your birthday isn't as bad as mine is. At least you lack a consciousness, and you're oblivious to all that surrounds you. I think too much at times; and it's been a stressful weekend.

I'm sixteen. What joy. The weekend, in all honesty, has ben nothing short of miserable and pathetic. So much for birthday celebrations. I totally forgot I wanted to spend the night before my birthday outside, counting down with close friends. It just totally slipped my mind till I was walking home.

It's been one year to the good since the second phone call. Why do I even remember such things? Still remember that I was sick of getting birthday messages online and told you to call me. But why such ponderence and reminiscing now? Even I don't have the answer to that.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cos I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

--Iris, Goo Goo Dolls

Test

As you can clearly (I hope) see, I have changed the template.

I'm simply too lazy to insert an image into the banner, so you have to make do with "Your Image Here".

After all, this is my blog.

*****

I still can't get my stupid contacts in. I need bigger eyes. I should start staring at people, according to Sis. Weirdness...

Best I Ever Had

Best I Ever Had
by Vertical Horizon

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

It's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it
So I run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted?
Could it be I'm haunted?

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had

Time: Past and Present

It's been a year to the good. The national Cross Country Championships were today, and I guess I did not dare make my way down. It's been about a year since the start of the beginning of something I thought would last forever, but it ended in paradise lost.

April's going to be a month of reminiscing. So many parallels between these two years strike me as slightly disturbing. Birthdays, Cross Country events, and more... It's just like I'm reliving the experience all over again. I know I wished I could take back time, but now I think I know better. Time wasn't meant to be cyclic, but linear, but so often the reverse is the case. We experience the sense of deja vu in our lives; we find the lost pieces of others within ourselves.

And in 4 days, it'll be my turtle's first birthday. I think I share a strange form of affinity with my soft toys... Hmmm.

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and make things right, and we could start life over. But the cruel fact is that life is linear, and that the cyclical repeat of events is but an illusion.

And it would be just the two of us living.

Hope

Maybe what I need is a break from everything now. Everything's just crashing down and it's getting harder to survive here in the pressure cooker. But then you come along, and you made my day. At first your interruption was unwelcomed, but then I begun to realise, this is why I love you. You came along and made me realise why I'm doing what I do. You snapped me out and back into consciousness. You tell me not to give up, to hang in there.

And it's been so long since we talked. Sometimes I think friends are God's greatest gifts.

Your childlike faith - it means so much more, maybe more than you'll ever understand. Thanks for just being there. Really.

Fourth

(insert word here) fourth.

Here's a hint - alliteration.

My 400m run was so screwed. Don't want to talk about it.

A terrible week just passed; it seems another one beckons.

Debate tomorrow. This House believes that China holds the key to internet censorship.

Death

I have no idea why everything surrounds death nowadays. It's like a sense of fodeboding...

I realised I'm not ready to let go. It's perfectly fine if I die, but when others are called into question, I realised that it's not going to be easy to let them go.

This post makes no sense. I'm currently really peeved with a certain optician who provides terrible service. As a result I cannot collect my contacts today because I refuse to let him stick his fat ugly finger in my eye. He goes on to make snide comments like "girls can do it, and you're 16", "it's not painful, have you ever cut yourself", "you can't do it on your own, I have to do it for you", and he went "oh shit" when I still refused to let him do it.

Talk about quality services. As such, I argued with my parents, turned semi-suicidal, run away from home.

It's a screwed up week.

Death, Promises and Skepticism

Just came back from my soccer game. Not surprisingly, my muscle cramped up. Training's been intensive these days - 1500m on Thurs, 400m training on Fri, and there's training for 400m tomorrow. I'm thinking of pulling out really. There's still the debate to prepare for...

Perhaps the cynic in me is emerging again. Last night's talk with Melody was much welcomed; I sorted out several issues I needed to let go off. But really, why do we make promises? One shortcoming of the words we speak is the weight the hold. And what's more, we make promises like we will live forever. When do we know when our time is up? Fate, the Will of God, whatever other name it goes by that you believe in - is beyond our comprehension and predictability. Who knows for sure that the moment you leave your home, you'll return home safely?

There is this inability for us to govern our own lives, and ironic as it is in our struggle to amass power, we are still subjected to different external forces beyond our control. We make futile attempts to subdue Nature, and her ways, but to what extent can we play God? When will we realise that what we have come to can be taken away so easily? Empires crumbled over history, that we all know. Are we only going to realise that our attempts to exert autonomy over life and its forces is pathetic and futile when the helm of our ships is wrecked and beyond repair? We have become more arrogant and confident than the sailors of old who prayed for safe voyages and journies from each port departure. They believed in Nature and a larger force; we attempt to pitifully subdue it, but knowing too well we cannot.

And ever so often, we ask why - why we fail.

In Greek Mythology, the Moirae sit silently spinning the threads of life, and not even the Gods had power over them. And when the thread runs thin or Clotho and Lachesis decide the work is done, incomplete as it may possibly be, Atropos will cut the threads. Who decides who lives and who dies? Who subjects us to life or death? Who guaranteed that tomorrow would be a better day? Who guaranteed we would even live to see the dawn of another day? Who are we to make that promise?

We live life like immortals; we amass power, wealth, but what do we have in the end, for we know that there will be an end...

Perhaps to know life, we must first seek death; it is in the pursuit of death that we understand the purpose of life.

Fear

Race in 6 hours. My hands are starting to get cold, and it's only Geography now.

Keng Sheng's going for the soccer match against TPJC, so he won't be running. So I should get at least a silver. What happened during the break didn't make me feel better - Melody believes I can beat Zhong Ting, which I haven't done since...last year, I believe.

The pressure's mounting. And people have asked me, why do I take it so seriously? Why do I want to win? I'm still left pondering: is it an issue of taking pride in what I do, or is it my perfectionistic nature (which is diminishing with each passing day, oh the wonders of apathy)?

All I know is I want to win. I'm stepping out of where I was, and I believe I can.

Grey

Back to the one-liner titles.

Hmm. My 1500m finals are tomorrow. Someone demanded that I get first place, and I went into this semi-heated argument on why I could not. But I suppose she's right; I am making excuses for my failures. It's not an issue of over-expectation, but rather, I've been sitting in my comfort zone, refusing to push the limits and barriers that can be stretched by the will of the human mind. I'm too used to where I am, being second best, and comfortably accepting that and stuck with the mindset that I cannot beat those ahead of me. It's been quite a while since I clocked my personal best of 52 seconds for 400m, beating all the track seniors. Perhaps I lost that motivation - to be the best, and not be surpassed. I remember then, I was feeling the adrenaline rush, coupled with the determination to prove that no member of the track team was invincible. (Keng Sheng's not running tomorrow. That means I have to get at least a silver medal.)

And once again, I think that the lines I've drawn are becoming blurry and grey; that where I stand is not longer definite. I'm drifting, hovering, and I'm not sure where I stand now. Perhaps soon, it will be time to make that relational decision I hate the most. I always seemed to have shirked back from making that decision. The question stands: will a certain someone be at the stands watching tomorrow? That has become the primary concern now, instead of who's running, and that scares me.

Why is it that I feel that once again, I'm caught in a gyre spinning, slowly but surely, out of control? And inevitably, it destroys all that surround it. I'm no longer controlling the variables of my life, but rather, circumstances and other larger forces dictate it.

...and everything in between's just grey.

Death and the Dearly Departed

Someone once told me that we should live life to the fullest, and when we die, it is without any regrets.

Death comes to us all, and one does question why we are so afraid of it. If death were to claim us this very instant, would we be ready to leave? Would there be baggages that we would want to take with us? Are there issues yet unsolved?

As said before, I believe that an entity and its antithesis complement each other. If we do not fear death, we will never learn to appreciate life. And such is the necessity of it. Yet, it is ever so haunting when it claims the lives of those around us. A friend of a friend has recently mourned, in passing, the death of a parental figure. What struck me as more poignant was how the person's siblings would cope without a fatherly figure in such a young age. It does ultimately affect their growth and development.

Death brings about sorrow, but it is in sorrow that we realise how much sweeter life is. Yeah, cliched, but true.

And perhaps it is true that we will never miss those around us till they leave.

And perhaps I never will admit the loss to see one so dearly departed.

In more heartwarming news, I qualified first in my 100m heats, and my supposed 400m heat was called off, as we didn't have enough people. So it's straight to the finals. Lee Tat, this year, that medal is mine. (You're too old anyway!)

Closure

It's something I don't think I ever will get, really.

There are just so many things in my life that are left or have been left hanging. Issues are unresolved, and just swept under the carpet; I move on, pretending they never happened.

But when it all comes crashing down, it hits home hard, and one starts to realise that the emotional baggage carried around from day to day gets heavier. Perhaps I've been so accustomed to it, that I don't see the need for closure, but now that's it's near breaking point, it's different.

Let's just say events from last year are starting to haunt me once again; things that were meant to have been laid to rest long ago have not been.

Strangely enough, I'm drawing seemingly closer to certain people, and that's not necessarily a good thing. Gwyneth asked me to be her tutor for Math and the Sciences, and I'm helping Xiu Qing with Chem. Once again, it's time to decide and draw the line...

And I'm up preparing for the stupid debate which Melody expects us to win. Got the points already, and Chermy's helping me find case studies. I don't suppose I can go sleep now, can I? I really need sleep. There's heats the whole of next week for Track, then there's Math and the Debate on Wed. It's a busy week ahead. God give me strength to make it through...