Track today was good, seriously. Well, my first training after the exams, and guess what? Alvin decides to run to East Coast. 6-7km. Ran that in 32minutes, which seems quite okay for now. Did gym and other stuff after that. I'm dead beat, and I know tomorrow I'll wake up aching all over...
6-7km has been one of the longest runs I've had this year. I rarely do above 5km runs because I'm in middle-distance, and 5km is sufficient for stamina training, and speed's more vital in 800m and 1500m. Everyone can last the distance - it's whether you can complete it fast. Something that struck me from the run was how easy it was for me to give up along the route. I could have told Alvin that this wasn't for me, and ran a shorter distance. But somehow, something compelled me to push on; to break that distance barrier that I had set in my mind. The first 3km was a killer, but after winning the psychological battle up there, the next half was a piece of cake. Perseverence and mental determination - they make or break a race, especially middle and long distance ones.
Hmm, plans for tomorrow. Nothing confirmed, except that I'm still highly annoyed at a particular someone. Can anyone do something concrete for once? So many castles in the air without foundation, and sooner or later they'll fall down and bury you under the sea like Atlantis. Why do people propose so many ideas but refuse to work on them?! Goodness. The world is such an annoying place really.
It all boils down to attitude - your's sucks.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Life
I never thought I'd say this, but...
Life sucks.
Seriously. At least mine does. It's become such a drag.
And it's getting harder to hold on to You and all You said... It's so hard to be what other's expect me to be? I'm not a conformist, but that's how it is in certain systems isn't it?
It's at a point where I dare not expect or want anything from anyone anymore. I just get disappointed over and over. I feel the faith I had in people was never repaid. Yes I expect it to. My time and efforts are investments, and I expect a return, or least for certain people to learn and grow. Is that too much? Leading well is hard; too hard sometimes. I'm 15 and sometimes I think no one realises it. As much as they try to treat us as adults, the fact is we aren't. We need time... And here I am paying for someone else's lack of responsibility.
...and at times like this I remember someone and what the person would say. But I don't know that person anymore. We're just strangers now.
Life sucks.
Seriously. At least mine does. It's become such a drag.
And it's getting harder to hold on to You and all You said... It's so hard to be what other's expect me to be? I'm not a conformist, but that's how it is in certain systems isn't it?
It's at a point where I dare not expect or want anything from anyone anymore. I just get disappointed over and over. I feel the faith I had in people was never repaid. Yes I expect it to. My time and efforts are investments, and I expect a return, or least for certain people to learn and grow. Is that too much? Leading well is hard; too hard sometimes. I'm 15 and sometimes I think no one realises it. As much as they try to treat us as adults, the fact is we aren't. We need time... And here I am paying for someone else's lack of responsibility.
...and at times like this I remember someone and what the person would say. But I don't know that person anymore. We're just strangers now.
Three
Edlyn left for Shanghai today. And I totally forgot to drop her an sms or call before she left. I'm such a wonderfully nice person. Oh well, did eventually drop her an sms but she received it only upon touch-down.
Track today was cancelled due to the rain. Argh. Simply annoying. Did run during PE today though. Apparently we should've been playing ball games but due to our terrible fitness level, we had to run. Did 1.9km in less than 8minutes. Rather slow comfortable (almost warm-up) pacing. And somehow I managed to come in first. I should be rewarded for participating in such nonsense; like I definitely am so unfit that I will fail my 2.4km run next year. Right. If I get anything below 9minutes next year I'll scream.
I'm a celebrity. How nice. Classmates are making stupid videos of me in class. I never knew stoning in class was worth filming and making into a movie...
Speaking of school-related issues, I got a 3.67 (and 3.72 with IS) Grade Point Average for my whole year's work. Like, thanks alot you people who love exams. The supposedly little 40% pulled my GPA down by 0.7 at least. I had no As at all, proving that my 40% rubbish marks undid all my work for Math, History, Social Studies, and Geog. Dropped a band just because of one exam. Sciences were alright, GPA of 4 for each of them. I have to choose my combination by tomorrow...
Track today was cancelled due to the rain. Argh. Simply annoying. Did run during PE today though. Apparently we should've been playing ball games but due to our terrible fitness level, we had to run. Did 1.9km in less than 8minutes. Rather slow comfortable (almost warm-up) pacing. And somehow I managed to come in first. I should be rewarded for participating in such nonsense; like I definitely am so unfit that I will fail my 2.4km run next year. Right. If I get anything below 9minutes next year I'll scream.
I'm a celebrity. How nice. Classmates are making stupid videos of me in class. I never knew stoning in class was worth filming and making into a movie...
Speaking of school-related issues, I got a 3.67 (and 3.72 with IS) Grade Point Average for my whole year's work. Like, thanks alot you people who love exams. The supposedly little 40% pulled my GPA down by 0.7 at least. I had no As at all, proving that my 40% rubbish marks undid all my work for Math, History, Social Studies, and Geog. Dropped a band just because of one exam. Sciences were alright, GPA of 4 for each of them. I have to choose my combination by tomorrow...
Monday, October 24, 2005
Four
...more days till the end of term and the start of the two month long holiday.
No, I'm not looking forward to it. Apparently I'm up to my neck in 'other-ness' for the holidays that I have no plans for myself. I've to meet up with my cell members, plan certain outings, confirm whether there is going to be a chalet (much talk, nothing done), and more.
Then there are projects to be completed, and knowing my classmates, they'll only start 3 days before school starts. It's annoying frankly.
Everything around is so chaotic. There seems to be no time for rest at all, despite it being much deserved. And no, friendships in which I once found solace cease to exist. Friends are moving on to different things in life, and our paths no longer cross. Some might literally be moving on...
And there's always the transition to a new ministry - yet another change. I can't be open about how I feel, because as usual, any deviation from excitement is heresy and I will be charged with not setting a good example and misleading other people. I shall just bottle up and drown then, without any air to breathe.
Systems are flawed; some more than others. Why do we even strive for a utopian world? Is there really anything better out there or is it just another illusion? Utopias don't exist, but we always try to hit the next nearest target - being near-perfect. But everything is merely a matter of perspective isn't it?
So many things to say, but I will practice self-censorship.
One day I will move abroad to pursue my dreams. The climate here is simply not for me.
No, I'm not looking forward to it. Apparently I'm up to my neck in 'other-ness' for the holidays that I have no plans for myself. I've to meet up with my cell members, plan certain outings, confirm whether there is going to be a chalet (much talk, nothing done), and more.
Then there are projects to be completed, and knowing my classmates, they'll only start 3 days before school starts. It's annoying frankly.
Everything around is so chaotic. There seems to be no time for rest at all, despite it being much deserved. And no, friendships in which I once found solace cease to exist. Friends are moving on to different things in life, and our paths no longer cross. Some might literally be moving on...
And there's always the transition to a new ministry - yet another change. I can't be open about how I feel, because as usual, any deviation from excitement is heresy and I will be charged with not setting a good example and misleading other people. I shall just bottle up and drown then, without any air to breathe.
Systems are flawed; some more than others. Why do we even strive for a utopian world? Is there really anything better out there or is it just another illusion? Utopias don't exist, but we always try to hit the next nearest target - being near-perfect. But everything is merely a matter of perspective isn't it?
So many things to say, but I will practice self-censorship.
One day I will move abroad to pursue my dreams. The climate here is simply not for me.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Untitled
So I try to hold on to a time when nothing mattered...
Perhaps there is some truth even in the songs we feel are below us.
The world corrupts, and innocence is a value long gone. Strangely enough, I feel drawn to it... Oh well...
Woke at 12 in the afternoon today, after phone calls last night. Certain people send extremely weird smses I swear. _____ & _____. Yeah right. Wasting smses just to send two names, repeated throughout, to me to annoy me. What rubbish.
I feel like going for a run. I feel unfit; I'm becoming fat. How terribly dreadful. I might go pool later. Oh yeah, I need to call Bronson...
Perhaps there is some truth even in the songs we feel are below us.
The world corrupts, and innocence is a value long gone. Strangely enough, I feel drawn to it... Oh well...
Woke at 12 in the afternoon today, after phone calls last night. Certain people send extremely weird smses I swear. _____ & _____. Yeah right. Wasting smses just to send two names, repeated throughout, to me to annoy me. What rubbish.
I feel like going for a run. I feel unfit; I'm becoming fat. How terribly dreadful. I might go pool later. Oh yeah, I need to call Bronson...
Friday, October 21, 2005
Why
Apparently my classmates have a new topic of discussion, and it will apparently last till school ends for the year. Every conversation I overhear involves psycho-analysing some other classmate, and honestly, I find it amusing. Everyone seems to have an innate desire to know more about someone else; to understand and comprehend them; to seek an explanation for every action and word said - being curious is being human, or so they say.
I never really did understand the logic behind doing so. Would understanding anyone help you be a better friend to him or her? Perhaps so. You become more understanding, and empathising once you realise how pitiful they are. You become more accepting when you know their background and culture.
Yet it's gone to the extent of being critical of every single detail. I mean seriously, who tries to psycho-analyse someone over a game of bridge?! Goodness. I never do get my classmates at times. Aspiring to be great in their own way - to be noble, different. Sometimes simplicity is the best option to take...
And for all my classmates' attempts at understanding others, I remain top of the list of people they cannot come close to breaking down. I admit, I've always been complex, complicated; a pastiche of interwoven characteristics bearing polaric extremes. Like I previously mentioned, I enjoy anonymity and secrecy, although privacy is sometime I long for but never get. I simply do not wish to be well read like any other book. I prefer to think I'm above that - the same reason why most ordinary people do not pick up any of Umberto Eco's books, or Italo Calvino's If On A Winter's Night A Traveler. I refuse to be annotated, to be understood by the masses - I am not cheap print. Jonathan has followed me around for the past 5 years, and even he admits he does not know the 'real' me. (Ooh, real. What is real? Simulation and Simulacra. Haha.) I don't think anyone does... Perhaps this is how I hide my insecurities. Everyone has them, even myself. The difference lies in how we approach and deal with them - do we bare them or hide them? I never liked exposing my weaknesses, and that's why I don't trust easily anymore. I don't want to be understood, manipulated, made use of. Not that it's happened before, but control is power, and the draw to control instead of being controlled is one too alluring.
And because of this anonymity, people do fear me. No, I'm not some Dark Lord with a Ring of Power looking to destroy Middle Earth, sadly. There's a fear - one of awe, respect, yet at the same time, dislike - when people do approach me. I guess I'm possibly viewed as arrogant by some people, but I believe I have a cause to be. (Yeah yeah, humility.) Strangely enough, Jane said that there's something about me that...contradicts. Once people know me, it's like an addiction (huh?!) and they press on in curiosity to know more. I never knew that, but maybe it's just her. Haha. But it does hold some truth though. The more distant I try to portray myself, the more people seek an answer to ease their troubled minds. People fear those superior to themselves; it's somewhat natural I think. I think my intellect scared the wits out of Singapore's Brainiest Kid 2005 (who happens to be my brother's classmate and tags his blog). The poor kid refuses to reply now. Heh.
Oh well, more to discover along the way. 15 years of life, and so much to say...
I never really did understand the logic behind doing so. Would understanding anyone help you be a better friend to him or her? Perhaps so. You become more understanding, and empathising once you realise how pitiful they are. You become more accepting when you know their background and culture.
Yet it's gone to the extent of being critical of every single detail. I mean seriously, who tries to psycho-analyse someone over a game of bridge?! Goodness. I never do get my classmates at times. Aspiring to be great in their own way - to be noble, different. Sometimes simplicity is the best option to take...
And for all my classmates' attempts at understanding others, I remain top of the list of people they cannot come close to breaking down. I admit, I've always been complex, complicated; a pastiche of interwoven characteristics bearing polaric extremes. Like I previously mentioned, I enjoy anonymity and secrecy, although privacy is sometime I long for but never get. I simply do not wish to be well read like any other book. I prefer to think I'm above that - the same reason why most ordinary people do not pick up any of Umberto Eco's books, or Italo Calvino's If On A Winter's Night A Traveler. I refuse to be annotated, to be understood by the masses - I am not cheap print. Jonathan has followed me around for the past 5 years, and even he admits he does not know the 'real' me. (Ooh, real. What is real? Simulation and Simulacra. Haha.) I don't think anyone does... Perhaps this is how I hide my insecurities. Everyone has them, even myself. The difference lies in how we approach and deal with them - do we bare them or hide them? I never liked exposing my weaknesses, and that's why I don't trust easily anymore. I don't want to be understood, manipulated, made use of. Not that it's happened before, but control is power, and the draw to control instead of being controlled is one too alluring.
And because of this anonymity, people do fear me. No, I'm not some Dark Lord with a Ring of Power looking to destroy Middle Earth, sadly. There's a fear - one of awe, respect, yet at the same time, dislike - when people do approach me. I guess I'm possibly viewed as arrogant by some people, but I believe I have a cause to be. (Yeah yeah, humility.) Strangely enough, Jane said that there's something about me that...contradicts. Once people know me, it's like an addiction (huh?!) and they press on in curiosity to know more. I never knew that, but maybe it's just her. Haha. But it does hold some truth though. The more distant I try to portray myself, the more people seek an answer to ease their troubled minds. People fear those superior to themselves; it's somewhat natural I think. I think my intellect scared the wits out of Singapore's Brainiest Kid 2005 (who happens to be my brother's classmate and tags his blog). The poor kid refuses to reply now. Heh.
Oh well, more to discover along the way. 15 years of life, and so much to say...
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Classmates
I never did realise it, but after this week, it's only 1 more week together as a CG for us in 2005. In all honesty, I haven't made up my mind as to how to react to this 'shocking news' yet, if that is indeed possible. I don't know how next year will be; how things will change; how people will grow and mature (if ever possible), and I don't want to live in regret again, knowing that I should treasure what I had when I had it. It happened so often along the period of this year, bringing me to tears on more than one occasion where I had to bemoan the loss of something or someone important, that I hold dear still.
I don't know how people live life without looking back, without regrets. How do they make the 'right' decisions in life? If they don't, how do they maintain that positive attitude to take on whatever Change throws their way, and conquer it. Many times I've fallen to Change and her winds of time that bring about a metamorphosis of all things she comes into contact with. I just cannot deal with it. I've been told I hold on too much; give too much of myself. But when faced with that, I ask myself, "Is it worthwhile? Has it been worth my while sacrificing myself for those around me; those that matter?"
It saddens me that for this year, the answer is no. It has not been worthwhile. I'm not craving to be rewarded for what I've done, but sometimes a little appreciation doesn't hurt.
The only two semblances of appreciation would be my birthday cards - one from my cell, the other from close friends. The card from friends still means alot, and I look upon it each time I'm disheartened by things around me; I know people (hopefully) still care. But the card from my cell means more. The little notes on the little card from Clio, Mark Yong, Corinne, Dawn and Fabian have been what kept me going; giving myself for them. I see the potential in them - potential for greatness, despite whatever state they are in now.
Sigh. Today's just been another day of reflection. In spite of my pathetic Term 4 results, I've realised that others have done worse. Not that I'm rejoicing, but more of the fact that there was a chance things could have been alot worse. My hopes aren't set too high, for fear of disappointment, but I'll trust God. Whatever plans He has for me next year, they are perfect. I'm holding on to Jer 29:11, and that verse is, the in words of a friend, amazing.
I don't know how people live life without looking back, without regrets. How do they make the 'right' decisions in life? If they don't, how do they maintain that positive attitude to take on whatever Change throws their way, and conquer it. Many times I've fallen to Change and her winds of time that bring about a metamorphosis of all things she comes into contact with. I just cannot deal with it. I've been told I hold on too much; give too much of myself. But when faced with that, I ask myself, "Is it worthwhile? Has it been worth my while sacrificing myself for those around me; those that matter?"
It saddens me that for this year, the answer is no. It has not been worthwhile. I'm not craving to be rewarded for what I've done, but sometimes a little appreciation doesn't hurt.
The only two semblances of appreciation would be my birthday cards - one from my cell, the other from close friends. The card from friends still means alot, and I look upon it each time I'm disheartened by things around me; I know people (hopefully) still care. But the card from my cell means more. The little notes on the little card from Clio, Mark Yong, Corinne, Dawn and Fabian have been what kept me going; giving myself for them. I see the potential in them - potential for greatness, despite whatever state they are in now.
Sigh. Today's just been another day of reflection. In spite of my pathetic Term 4 results, I've realised that others have done worse. Not that I'm rejoicing, but more of the fact that there was a chance things could have been alot worse. My hopes aren't set too high, for fear of disappointment, but I'll trust God. Whatever plans He has for me next year, they are perfect. I'm holding on to Jer 29:11, and that verse is, the in words of a friend, amazing.
Sixteen
That's the number of movies left to catch during the holidays.
Flightplan was absolutely terrible! Suspense attempts aside, the plot was unrealistic and unclear for most of the show. The build up was so sloth-like I almost fell asleep. And whatever happened to the Arab guy? Why was he mistaken if so?
I'm sorry, but you don't leave things hanging like this in a movie. I hate/detest/abhor/resent deus ex machina endings. Goodness, I don't pay $8 to see Portia find a flaw out of nowhere in the bond made between Shylock and Antonio. It's just stupid, really.
Kids came over today. I realise I have this...affinity with kids, as much as I wish to deny it. I somehow get along with them, understand them. And I realised deep down I care for them, though I mask it pretending to scrutinise and criticise their ways and actions. It's actually more of care and concern which I refuse to explicitly shower on them (or anyone for that matter). Some part of me is just so protective, refusing to let them make mistakes (like wasting $10 on neoprints), and I'm left wondering why.
Really. Why on earth do I have such maternal instincts, so to speak. Why do I care or even bother? I don't need to be affected and disappointed by more people, yet this seems inevitable.
A certain school's exams end tomorrow, supposedly. Certain people seem to be gloating over the fact that exams are soon to be over when really, the results - receiving them and dealing with the waves of trauma and shock that come crashing down upon bitter disappointment; one after another - are the larger obstacles to tackle. It's just so ironic that we often try to chuck away and hide in our memory what we strive so hard for. We live the moment of euphoria, elan, or for others, sadness and grief, before moving on, forgetting that feeling and the grade.
Flightplan was absolutely terrible! Suspense attempts aside, the plot was unrealistic and unclear for most of the show. The build up was so sloth-like I almost fell asleep. And whatever happened to the Arab guy? Why was he mistaken if so?
I'm sorry, but you don't leave things hanging like this in a movie. I hate/detest/abhor/resent deus ex machina endings. Goodness, I don't pay $8 to see Portia find a flaw out of nowhere in the bond made between Shylock and Antonio. It's just stupid, really.
Kids came over today. I realise I have this...affinity with kids, as much as I wish to deny it. I somehow get along with them, understand them. And I realised deep down I care for them, though I mask it pretending to scrutinise and criticise their ways and actions. It's actually more of care and concern which I refuse to explicitly shower on them (or anyone for that matter). Some part of me is just so protective, refusing to let them make mistakes (like wasting $10 on neoprints), and I'm left wondering why.
Really. Why on earth do I have such maternal instincts, so to speak. Why do I care or even bother? I don't need to be affected and disappointed by more people, yet this seems inevitable.
A certain school's exams end tomorrow, supposedly. Certain people seem to be gloating over the fact that exams are soon to be over when really, the results - receiving them and dealing with the waves of trauma and shock that come crashing down upon bitter disappointment; one after another - are the larger obstacles to tackle. It's just so ironic that we often try to chuck away and hide in our memory what we strive so hard for. We live the moment of euphoria, elan, or for others, sadness and grief, before moving on, forgetting that feeling and the grade.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Underachievement
My results are terribly disappointing, that's all I can say.
I think three terms of hard work have just gone down the drain, and I'm left questioning why I always stumble at the final hurdle. It's been that way since Pri 6. The overconfidence perhaps. I swear I have never done so badly in my whole first year in TJ, and I have to mess up my 40% component for my grades.
I'm getting marks between 50-70, which are terribly low. To rub it in, 29/50 for History, a subject I topped for 3 terms. Language Arts was messed up; my essay was a complete failure. I swear if anyone asks about my marks I will strangle the person.
But really, I still cannot get why I don't learn. Why do I always take for granted that what has been will continue 'being'. Why do I assume just because I average a 4.3GPA for the past three terms that it will continue? Very rightly so, it didn't. I mean, I studied, but I know it wasn't my best. It's a total issue of underestimating things I guess? Pride tells me I can get through without giving my best. Oh well. That's going to change.
Only consolation is that I'm 1/3 in class who did not fail any subject, thus my subject combination choices are more open, as I can take anything, if my year's average GPA is above 3, which I seriously hope it is, especially seeing the final term's results.
The only high note of the day was that I managed to score decently for Chinese. But my overall result isn't that good. 53% only. I think I know why - class participation. I don't talk at all in Chinese classes. Oh well. It's 15% of your total marks. That hurts.
And I wonder, if I had actually opted to take my O's, would it have been this disastrous. If it would have been, then thank God for IP. Otherwise... I fairly sure I definitely capable of a 6 for O's, at most an 8. And I would definitely be somewhere else. But I shall stop bemoaning the decisions I've made; even now I do not know if it was the right one. Just trusting in Him to guide me through, and know His Plans for me are perfect.
I think three terms of hard work have just gone down the drain, and I'm left questioning why I always stumble at the final hurdle. It's been that way since Pri 6. The overconfidence perhaps. I swear I have never done so badly in my whole first year in TJ, and I have to mess up my 40% component for my grades.
I'm getting marks between 50-70, which are terribly low. To rub it in, 29/50 for History, a subject I topped for 3 terms. Language Arts was messed up; my essay was a complete failure. I swear if anyone asks about my marks I will strangle the person.
But really, I still cannot get why I don't learn. Why do I always take for granted that what has been will continue 'being'. Why do I assume just because I average a 4.3GPA for the past three terms that it will continue? Very rightly so, it didn't. I mean, I studied, but I know it wasn't my best. It's a total issue of underestimating things I guess? Pride tells me I can get through without giving my best. Oh well. That's going to change.
Only consolation is that I'm 1/3 in class who did not fail any subject, thus my subject combination choices are more open, as I can take anything, if my year's average GPA is above 3, which I seriously hope it is, especially seeing the final term's results.
The only high note of the day was that I managed to score decently for Chinese. But my overall result isn't that good. 53% only. I think I know why - class participation. I don't talk at all in Chinese classes. Oh well. It's 15% of your total marks. That hurts.
And I wonder, if I had actually opted to take my O's, would it have been this disastrous. If it would have been, then thank God for IP. Otherwise... I fairly sure I definitely capable of a 6 for O's, at most an 8. And I would definitely be somewhere else. But I shall stop bemoaning the decisions I've made; even now I do not know if it was the right one. Just trusting in Him to guide me through, and know His Plans for me are perfect.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Abandonment
Just came back from watching The Myth. Was rather good, but I'm not in the mood to write a review. Just wondering why most recent shows that I've seen are autoreflexive. Tolkien's works are copyrighted surely...
Bridge is a wonderful game to pass the time in school. Burnt away three hours playing, and finally headed to IMH. The visit wasn't that bad. I did rather enjoy the time with those people there. It really spoke to me about the things in life we take for granted - the ability to be considered normal was the most poignant. I guess we never really do treasure what we have. I simply cannot imagine myself staying in the same room, doing the same things day after day, yet enjoying it. The nurses told us that the patients really like it when they have visitors - they feel honoured to have people notice them and realise their existence.
And God speaks in the strangest ways. I almost teared there when He said, "I love My People - even them." And I guess what I felt next was all the emotions - the rejection mainly - that those patients felt. Abandoned by their own family for being different, it really does hurt. The thing that annoys me the most is that one week from now, I'll probably forget how that feels and continue living life the same way. Nothing seems to make a large enough impact these days. Sigh...
Bridge is a wonderful game to pass the time in school. Burnt away three hours playing, and finally headed to IMH. The visit wasn't that bad. I did rather enjoy the time with those people there. It really spoke to me about the things in life we take for granted - the ability to be considered normal was the most poignant. I guess we never really do treasure what we have. I simply cannot imagine myself staying in the same room, doing the same things day after day, yet enjoying it. The nurses told us that the patients really like it when they have visitors - they feel honoured to have people notice them and realise their existence.
And God speaks in the strangest ways. I almost teared there when He said, "I love My People - even them." And I guess what I felt next was all the emotions - the rejection mainly - that those patients felt. Abandoned by their own family for being different, it really does hurt. The thing that annoys me the most is that one week from now, I'll probably forget how that feels and continue living life the same way. Nothing seems to make a large enough impact these days. Sigh...
Monday, October 17, 2005
Touch
You know sometimes I think I need to be more...self-centred, so to speak. I find that I give too much of myself at times, and it's killing me, again. I never do learn.
But yet I think I'm going about it wrong. I committing less to so many things, backing out of issues with people I know I can deal with. Why am I so...scared? It's the latest realisation that deep down, there's just that fear to go deeper into any relationship or friendship.
Please no, do not come and annoy me further and ask what's wrong. I just wish for some solitude to clear my head; to clear the air in my head. Everything's been a maelstrom of confusion for the past few weeks - disappointment with the results (performing under my expectations, again), relationship issues with certain people (and not entering into one with others due to that fear again).
What are the root causes of the demise, or in my case, the distancing of the self from friendships? Why don't we dare to believe in others; dare to trust them? I guess it's a security issue, where we fear we get hurt again. It's so prevalent in this world.
And friendships are getting colder instead of warmer, more mechanical instead of intimate. This stems from the fact that we're omitting one key sensorial part of ourselves - touch. Why does a single act of touching someone lead to thoughts of something erotic or sexual? Why can't we hold the hands of those we love, look them in the eye and say we'll be there for them without having the fear of being misunderstood?
It's not sexuality or sensuality, but rather, an innate human need. We craved as children to be picked up, to feel the warmth of embrace; to feel loved. That is essentially it. Touch - it goes beyond any connection made, yet it is so simple. We want to feel the warmth - the lifesource - of another. It is a language in itself - one that transcends the signifier and the signified - with it's own grammar, vocabulary, and rules. Some say it embodies love itself.
"It is the sense of touch, in a city you walk, you brush past people and people bump into you. In LA nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. It is that sense of touch. I think we miss that so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something."
Lines from the opening scenes of Crash which we caught a glimpse of. And I guess it's true. We hide behind metal and glass, ever so numb and afraid to feel life. We see life, hear life, taste life, smell life, but we don't feel life - that's why we never live life. So what do we fear? We fear we will not be touched in return. That's why we hide behind metal and glass...
But yet I think I'm going about it wrong. I committing less to so many things, backing out of issues with people I know I can deal with. Why am I so...scared? It's the latest realisation that deep down, there's just that fear to go deeper into any relationship or friendship.
Please no, do not come and annoy me further and ask what's wrong. I just wish for some solitude to clear my head; to clear the air in my head. Everything's been a maelstrom of confusion for the past few weeks - disappointment with the results (performing under my expectations, again), relationship issues with certain people (and not entering into one with others due to that fear again).
What are the root causes of the demise, or in my case, the distancing of the self from friendships? Why don't we dare to believe in others; dare to trust them? I guess it's a security issue, where we fear we get hurt again. It's so prevalent in this world.
And friendships are getting colder instead of warmer, more mechanical instead of intimate. This stems from the fact that we're omitting one key sensorial part of ourselves - touch. Why does a single act of touching someone lead to thoughts of something erotic or sexual? Why can't we hold the hands of those we love, look them in the eye and say we'll be there for them without having the fear of being misunderstood?
It's not sexuality or sensuality, but rather, an innate human need. We craved as children to be picked up, to feel the warmth of embrace; to feel loved. That is essentially it. Touch - it goes beyond any connection made, yet it is so simple. We want to feel the warmth - the lifesource - of another. It is a language in itself - one that transcends the signifier and the signified - with it's own grammar, vocabulary, and rules. Some say it embodies love itself.
"It is the sense of touch, in a city you walk, you brush past people and people bump into you. In LA nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. It is that sense of touch. I think we miss that so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something."
Lines from the opening scenes of Crash which we caught a glimpse of. And I guess it's true. We hide behind metal and glass, ever so numb and afraid to feel life. We see life, hear life, taste life, smell life, but we don't feel life - that's why we never live life. So what do we fear? We fear we will not be touched in return. That's why we hide behind metal and glass...
Beach Clean-ups and Coffee Beans
My title's interesting. BC and CB. Get it? If not nevermind... It's absolutely nonsensical, but it's not my fault that I have a Bio presentation to work on during the post-exam period. It's madness, and I respond accordingly.
Back to the post, had to clean the beach at East Coast Park for CIP today. Kenneth, Jonathan and I just walked around, picked up two beer cans, a pair of slippers and several planks of wood (our bags were really heavy, so we looked like we picked up alot of thrash) before heading to Coffee Bean for breakfast. You can't blame us. We had to compete with swarms of CHIJ Kellock and Temasek Secondary people attack the beach with thongs in one hand and garbage bags in the other. (Please don't be an idiot and interpret this the sick and twisted way like the majority of people who heard me say this earlier in the day...) When we arrived, there was barely anything left, so yeah. We did try you know.
After 45minutes of meaningless conversation, guess who drops by Coffee Bean? Our dear teachers; they too needed a bite to eat. And Kenneth tried to predict what Marcus Tan would do to us when he saw us. Speculation gets nowhere, and everything does not go as planned, resulting in Kenneth saying, "We're here because we're on shifts and we're not on duty now - like policemen." I mean, like policemen?! Very good analogy.
CIP after school hours should be banned! I am so not going to IMH tomorrow at 1pm! I want to watch Corpse Bride! I have nothing against spending time with the patients, honestly. I have an issue with missing a movie. 18 more to go.
Goal was good. Into The Blue was rubbish. Let's see where Corpse Bride stands.
I'm feeling on top of the world. I wonder why... It's good to be back up here.
Back to the post, had to clean the beach at East Coast Park for CIP today. Kenneth, Jonathan and I just walked around, picked up two beer cans, a pair of slippers and several planks of wood (our bags were really heavy, so we looked like we picked up alot of thrash) before heading to Coffee Bean for breakfast. You can't blame us. We had to compete with swarms of CHIJ Kellock and Temasek Secondary people attack the beach with thongs in one hand and garbage bags in the other. (Please don't be an idiot and interpret this the sick and twisted way like the majority of people who heard me say this earlier in the day...) When we arrived, there was barely anything left, so yeah. We did try you know.
After 45minutes of meaningless conversation, guess who drops by Coffee Bean? Our dear teachers; they too needed a bite to eat. And Kenneth tried to predict what Marcus Tan would do to us when he saw us. Speculation gets nowhere, and everything does not go as planned, resulting in Kenneth saying, "We're here because we're on shifts and we're not on duty now - like policemen." I mean, like policemen?! Very good analogy.
CIP after school hours should be banned! I am so not going to IMH tomorrow at 1pm! I want to watch Corpse Bride! I have nothing against spending time with the patients, honestly. I have an issue with missing a movie. 18 more to go.
Goal was good. Into The Blue was rubbish. Let's see where Corpse Bride stands.
I'm feeling on top of the world. I wonder why... It's good to be back up here.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Plasma Television Sets
Last day of the weekend. Will be heading down to Jeann's place after breakfast to marvel at the new plasma television set. How weird.
"They're coming over to see the new plasma tv."
I rolled my eyes. Seriously. Oh well, whatever fascinates them.
Post-cell events are often...eventful. Heh. Weird things do happen at Macs, and it's not the first time too. Oh well.
There's more to be said, but ironically, freedom of speech is not granted if it portrays others in a bad light. But then again, aren't we given the freedom to feel aggrieved, incensed, annoyed? Aren't we given the freedom to question why? Yeah sure, the tone and motive behind questioning why is the key factor in determining dissent or curiosity. More so, the decision is so unpopular that any opposition is called an act of dissent.
Such is the hold that keeps the discipline in where we stand.
"They're coming over to see the new plasma tv."
I rolled my eyes. Seriously. Oh well, whatever fascinates them.
Post-cell events are often...eventful. Heh. Weird things do happen at Macs, and it's not the first time too. Oh well.
There's more to be said, but ironically, freedom of speech is not granted if it portrays others in a bad light. But then again, aren't we given the freedom to feel aggrieved, incensed, annoyed? Aren't we given the freedom to question why? Yeah sure, the tone and motive behind questioning why is the key factor in determining dissent or curiosity. More so, the decision is so unpopular that any opposition is called an act of dissent.
Such is the hold that keeps the discipline in where we stand.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Failure
So no one tells me there's no LCell today, when a certain email said so. Waste of time heading down to church, really. So much for being responsible. Certain people refuse to pick up their phones, so yeah.
I'm contemplating not going for cell tomorrow as part of a plot of revenge. Childish, insane, whatever. I'm serious.
I never knew today was someone's birthday. How weird. And why and how am I supposed to know? Everyone made it seem like I'm this ignorant, self-centred person who doesn't remember someone's birthday and broke someone's heart. Yeah right. I didn't even know. No one told me. So I'm supposed to find out, when I'm not even playing a part of this? So much for intellect.
Open House was alright. Whole lot of VS Track & Field people came down. Heh. Thing is, if they do well, they would obviously go to VJ. If they do badly, but are good, they appeal to VJ and still get in. So we're left with second choice people. How sad.
Average GPA for my Sciences is 3.0 - the bare mininum needed to take triple Science next year. Then again, I'm probably going for the Humanities. My exam marks are absolutely sub-par and disgusting. I passed, I did better than most; but I did not meet my own standards. I mean, so what if you beat people who are average? You need to aim further to get further. Competing with them gives me no kick really. Then again, there are smarter people than them in IP, whom I've yet to really challenge and match. Maybe it's because I'm getting apathetic with the 'heck care' attitude. I swear it's part of being a teenager. Argh.
It's been a bad day, and a bad week, I think. Looking forward to my talk with Twin after cell tomorrow. Yes, I'm going for cell, obviously. I don't neglect 'priorities' (ha, right) in life.
I'm contemplating not going for cell tomorrow as part of a plot of revenge. Childish, insane, whatever. I'm serious.
I never knew today was someone's birthday. How weird. And why and how am I supposed to know? Everyone made it seem like I'm this ignorant, self-centred person who doesn't remember someone's birthday and broke someone's heart. Yeah right. I didn't even know. No one told me. So I'm supposed to find out, when I'm not even playing a part of this? So much for intellect.
Open House was alright. Whole lot of VS Track & Field people came down. Heh. Thing is, if they do well, they would obviously go to VJ. If they do badly, but are good, they appeal to VJ and still get in. So we're left with second choice people. How sad.
Average GPA for my Sciences is 3.0 - the bare mininum needed to take triple Science next year. Then again, I'm probably going for the Humanities. My exam marks are absolutely sub-par and disgusting. I passed, I did better than most; but I did not meet my own standards. I mean, so what if you beat people who are average? You need to aim further to get further. Competing with them gives me no kick really. Then again, there are smarter people than them in IP, whom I've yet to really challenge and match. Maybe it's because I'm getting apathetic with the 'heck care' attitude. I swear it's part of being a teenager. Argh.
It's been a bad day, and a bad week, I think. Looking forward to my talk with Twin after cell tomorrow. Yes, I'm going for cell, obviously. I don't neglect 'priorities' (ha, right) in life.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Boredom Kills
Really. It drove me to the point of desperation, resulting in my doing this. Got this off Edlyn's blog.
But before that, let's outline my schedule of things to do tomorrow:
-swimming PE
-games in school
-returning of Bio Paper
-TJC Open House (man the Track & Field Booth)
-visit the opening of Mark's mum's shop
-go for LCell
It's a busy day. Arghh. I might just miss LCell. Should I? It's a rush there really. Hmmm...
Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. Get my autobiography published.
2. Free myself from the teenage phase of my life. Ha.
3. Travel the world, experiencing new cultures.
4. Play professional pool. (Yeah right.)
5. To live life to the fullest - without regrets.
6. Become a teacher.
7. Fulfill God's Plan for my life.
Seven things I could do:
1. Sleep now.
2. Read my trilogy of borrowed books. (Of which I've only touched one book.)
3. Write my biodata on Michelle's farewell/graduation card.
4. Write poetry.
5. Watch the telly.
6. Go to J8 to see what shops are left open.
7. Start an sms/MSN conversation.
Seven Celebrity likes:
1. Ashton Kutcher.
2. Chris Evans.
3. Tom Cruise.
4. Anthony Hopkins.
5. Ian McKellen.
6. Christopher Lee. (Not the Chinese one... Duh.)
7. Myself, of course. (Yeah, go ahead, conclude I'm gay. Sure.)
Seven often repeated words:
1. Uhhuhh.
2. Riiight.
3. Haha.
4. Fwah. (It's a word, believe me.)
5. Yeah.
6. Nong.
7. Shoots.
Seven physical traits I look for in the opposite sex (superficial, but oh well... hmm...):
1. Nice eyes.
2. Height. (No short people. Eat your heart out Melanie. Ha.)
3. Figure. (Err, not fat? As in really fat, not skinny anorexic girls who think they're fat. And definitely not skinnier than me!)
4. Hair. (No fritzy hair. I'm not Shawn. Disgusting.)
5. Not muscular/body-builder-ish. (I'm not Yong Jin. Disgusting, again.)
6. Legs. (It's a track thing I think. I have beautiful legs. Be jealous.)
7. Smile. (Go figure...)
10 REALLY RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME
1. I'm have about one tree's worth of paper on my table.
2. I'm listening to Speed of Sound for the 48th time on iTunes now.
3. I sleep on the journey home everytime, unless disturbed.
4. I have Pringles next to my bed.
5. I use 0.38mm pens to write; matches my minute handwriting.
6. I need to buy a new iPod/Nano.
7. I'm ambidexterous. (I seem to be losing my ability to write with my left hand though. Argh.)
8. If I could be anybody, I'd be God. (Being all knowing would help make alot of things clearer.)
9. I detest people asking me whether I'm okay.
10. I think having a crush is stupid. (Ha.)
9 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART (oh the irony...)
1. Be smart/intellectual.
2. Do not act like an attention-seeking retard.
3. Call me, I enjoy teleconversations compared to MSN.
4. Common interests I guess.
5. Match my level of wit and sarcasm.
6. Be physically active. (Exercise! What were you thinking?! Goodness... Fat people are a turn-off.)
7. Be accomodating, understanding; I do have random mood-swings.
8. Be really sweet, nice, and smile.
9. Be [insert name here]. (I bet you can't fulfill this! I don't even know what I'm talking about. Maybe I do. Go figure.)
8 THINGS I CARRY / WEAR EVERYDAY
1. Spectacles.
2. Handphone.
3. Watch.
4. Clothes.
5. Shoes.
6. Deuter bag (either one).
7. Wallet.
8. Tissue paper? (I ran out of thing, so it's the first thing I saw.)
7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME
1. People who do not speak fluent/good/coherent English. (e.g. "I want go toilet.")
2. People who type lyk dis.. lolx.. hahaz..
3. People asking whether I'm okay.
4. Messed up wireless internet connections that interrupt my MSN conversations.
5. Math teachers that expect you to give reasons and complete workings for every question in an exam.
6. People who act sophisticated and try to blog about philosophical issues when they actually have no idea what on earth they're rambling about / People who post rebuttals to tags that contradict themselves and make themselves look extremely stupid.
7. People who mug their butts off and tell you that they're going to fail.
6 PLACES I'VE VISITED (lower case) OR INTEND TO (upper case)
1. China
2. Japan
3. Australia
4. SWITZERLAND
5. THE BAHAMAS
6. NEW ZEALAND (LOTR filmsite.)
5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
Didn't I answer this above?
4 THINGS I'M AFRAID OF
1. Loneliness (human condition...)
2. Not meeting my expectations.
3. Losing people that matter.
4. People who know too much about me.
3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY
1. Think.
2. Breathe.
3. Talk.
2 THINGS I'M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW
1. Eat.
2. Remember what I have to do by tomorrow.
1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE NOW
1. (insert name). Go figure. It's my answer when I have no answer. Use your imagination.
But before that, let's outline my schedule of things to do tomorrow:
-swimming PE
-games in school
-returning of Bio Paper
-TJC Open House (man the Track & Field Booth)
-visit the opening of Mark's mum's shop
-go for LCell
It's a busy day. Arghh. I might just miss LCell. Should I? It's a rush there really. Hmmm...
Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. Get my autobiography published.
2. Free myself from the teenage phase of my life. Ha.
3. Travel the world, experiencing new cultures.
4. Play professional pool. (Yeah right.)
5. To live life to the fullest - without regrets.
6. Become a teacher.
7. Fulfill God's Plan for my life.
Seven things I could do:
1. Sleep now.
2. Read my trilogy of borrowed books. (Of which I've only touched one book.)
3. Write my biodata on Michelle's farewell/graduation card.
4. Write poetry.
5. Watch the telly.
6. Go to J8 to see what shops are left open.
7. Start an sms/MSN conversation.
Seven Celebrity likes:
1. Ashton Kutcher.
2. Chris Evans.
3. Tom Cruise.
4. Anthony Hopkins.
5. Ian McKellen.
6. Christopher Lee. (Not the Chinese one... Duh.)
7. Myself, of course. (Yeah, go ahead, conclude I'm gay. Sure.)
Seven often repeated words:
1. Uhhuhh.
2. Riiight.
3. Haha.
4. Fwah. (It's a word, believe me.)
5. Yeah.
6. Nong.
7. Shoots.
Seven physical traits I look for in the opposite sex (superficial, but oh well... hmm...):
1. Nice eyes.
2. Height. (No short people. Eat your heart out Melanie. Ha.)
3. Figure. (Err, not fat? As in really fat, not skinny anorexic girls who think they're fat. And definitely not skinnier than me!)
4. Hair. (No fritzy hair. I'm not Shawn. Disgusting.)
5. Not muscular/body-builder-ish. (I'm not Yong Jin. Disgusting, again.)
6. Legs. (It's a track thing I think. I have beautiful legs. Be jealous.)
7. Smile. (Go figure...)
10 REALLY RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME
1. I'm have about one tree's worth of paper on my table.
2. I'm listening to Speed of Sound for the 48th time on iTunes now.
3. I sleep on the journey home everytime, unless disturbed.
4. I have Pringles next to my bed.
5. I use 0.38mm pens to write; matches my minute handwriting.
6. I need to buy a new iPod/Nano.
7. I'm ambidexterous. (I seem to be losing my ability to write with my left hand though. Argh.)
8. If I could be anybody, I'd be God. (Being all knowing would help make alot of things clearer.)
9. I detest people asking me whether I'm okay.
10. I think having a crush is stupid. (Ha.)
9 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART (oh the irony...)
1. Be smart/intellectual.
2. Do not act like an attention-seeking retard.
3. Call me, I enjoy teleconversations compared to MSN.
4. Common interests I guess.
5. Match my level of wit and sarcasm.
6. Be physically active. (Exercise! What were you thinking?! Goodness... Fat people are a turn-off.)
7. Be accomodating, understanding; I do have random mood-swings.
8. Be really sweet, nice, and smile.
9. Be [insert name here]. (I bet you can't fulfill this! I don't even know what I'm talking about. Maybe I do. Go figure.)
8 THINGS I CARRY / WEAR EVERYDAY
1. Spectacles.
2. Handphone.
3. Watch.
4. Clothes.
5. Shoes.
6. Deuter bag (either one).
7. Wallet.
8. Tissue paper? (I ran out of thing, so it's the first thing I saw.)
7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME
1. People who do not speak fluent/good/coherent English. (e.g. "I want go toilet.")
2. People who type lyk dis.. lolx.. hahaz..
3. People asking whether I'm okay.
4. Messed up wireless internet connections that interrupt my MSN conversations.
5. Math teachers that expect you to give reasons and complete workings for every question in an exam.
6. People who act sophisticated and try to blog about philosophical issues when they actually have no idea what on earth they're rambling about / People who post rebuttals to tags that contradict themselves and make themselves look extremely stupid.
7. People who mug their butts off and tell you that they're going to fail.
6 PLACES I'VE VISITED (lower case) OR INTEND TO (upper case)
1. China
2. Japan
3. Australia
4. SWITZERLAND
5. THE BAHAMAS
6. NEW ZEALAND (LOTR filmsite.)
5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
Didn't I answer this above?
4 THINGS I'M AFRAID OF
1. Loneliness (human condition...)
2. Not meeting my expectations.
3. Losing people that matter.
4. People who know too much about me.
3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY
1. Think.
2. Breathe.
3. Talk.
2 THINGS I'M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW
1. Eat.
2. Remember what I have to do by tomorrow.
1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE NOW
1. (insert name). Go figure. It's my answer when I have no answer. Use your imagination.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
A Shared Experience
Loneliness is a shared experience. That's the thought of the day for you people out there. It's true! Reading through several adolescents' blogs, 4/5 will whine and complain about how messed up life is; how no one seems to care, seems to understand them; how they need to seek someone to be with.
There's nothing wrong honestly with it. I guess you could say, generally speaking, that we all seek to be understood. (Go write more then.) But it's the way they all come across in their various pitiful angsty ways.
Some idealists believe that friendships can be without a motive or hidden agenda, and seek that kind of friend. But realistically, can that ever happen? Can a friend truly accept you for you in today's world? Think about it. Society is ever becoming a dog-eat-dog one, and people stab you in the back all the time. To be without a motive or agenda is to be without a purpose and expectation - these cannot be dispelled from any relationship, or it will be pointless. You cannot have a 'friend' who is not expected to talk to you, meet up with you, care for you. It's subtle, but we do want that. Maybe that was extreme, and people want the basics. But isn't that still a form of expectation?
I'm not saying that 'real, true friends' don't exist. I'm asking you to prove me wrong. Everyone has agendas; myself not exempted.
There's nothing wrong honestly with it. I guess you could say, generally speaking, that we all seek to be understood. (Go write more then.) But it's the way they all come across in their various pitiful angsty ways.
Some idealists believe that friendships can be without a motive or hidden agenda, and seek that kind of friend. But realistically, can that ever happen? Can a friend truly accept you for you in today's world? Think about it. Society is ever becoming a dog-eat-dog one, and people stab you in the back all the time. To be without a motive or agenda is to be without a purpose and expectation - these cannot be dispelled from any relationship, or it will be pointless. You cannot have a 'friend' who is not expected to talk to you, meet up with you, care for you. It's subtle, but we do want that. Maybe that was extreme, and people want the basics. But isn't that still a form of expectation?
I'm not saying that 'real, true friends' don't exist. I'm asking you to prove me wrong. Everyone has agendas; myself not exempted.
F Maths II
56/100. Unbelievable really. For Maths, that is.
Would anyone want to tell me why I'm expected to write every step of my working to get my works? Can anyone tell me why I have to explain why (square root x) cannot be negative? Argh.
What kind of Math Paper has comments like 'why?', or 'explain why ______', or 'how is this so?' It's not some comprehension passage. I got the answer right! But no, I have over 20-30 marks deducted for WORKING MARKS!
The best comment was something like 'Area of what?' because I wrote 'Area = ... ... ... = something', but no, you must write 'Area of Figure ABCDE = ...' What on earth!
Thank God for the rather enjoyable hip-hop workshop thing. I can dance, believe it. Stop staring in disbelief you jealous pigs out there.
Classroom class-up was rubbish.
I really needed to let my thoughts out. 56 for Math is disgusting, revolting, and (insert string of synonyms here). And the thing is many people got higher than me, which is rare. I think my Math supremacy is fading.
Would anyone want to tell me why I'm expected to write every step of my working to get my works? Can anyone tell me why I have to explain why (square root x) cannot be negative? Argh.
What kind of Math Paper has comments like 'why?', or 'explain why ______', or 'how is this so?' It's not some comprehension passage. I got the answer right! But no, I have over 20-30 marks deducted for WORKING MARKS!
The best comment was something like 'Area of what?' because I wrote 'Area = ... ... ... = something', but no, you must write 'Area of Figure ABCDE = ...' What on earth!
Thank God for the rather enjoyable hip-hop workshop thing. I can dance, believe it. Stop staring in disbelief you jealous pigs out there.
Classroom class-up was rubbish.
I really needed to let my thoughts out. 56 for Math is disgusting, revolting, and (insert string of synonyms here). And the thing is many people got higher than me, which is rare. I think my Math supremacy is fading.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Flight
Learn to Fly
by A1
When you feel the dream is over
Feel the world is on your shoulders
And you lost the strength to carry on
Even though the walls may crumble
And you find you always stumble through
Remember never to surrender to the dark
Cuz if you turn another page
You will see that’s not the way
The story has to end
And if you need to find a way back
Feel you’re on the wrong track
Give it time, you’ll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
And you will find your own way
You’ll be stronger with each tear that you cry
Then you’ll learn to fly
In your head, so many questions
The truth is your possession
The answer lies within your heart (within your heart)
You will see the doors are open
If you only dare to hope and you
will find a way to fight
The fears that kept you down
Cuz if you turn another page
You will see that’s not the way
The story has to end
And if you need to find a way back
Feel you’re on the wrong track
Give it time, you’ll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
And you will find your own way
You’ll be stronger with each tear that you cry
Then you’ll learn to fly
Looking at your situation
There’s so much that you can do
Now’s the time to make your stand
This is just an observation
In the end it’s up to you
The future’s in your hands
And if you need to find a way back
Feel you’re on the wrong track
Give it time, you’ll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
And you will find your own way
You’ll be stronger with each tear that you cry
Then you’ll learn to fly
Give it time
Then you’ll learn to fly
by A1
When you feel the dream is over
Feel the world is on your shoulders
And you lost the strength to carry on
Even though the walls may crumble
And you find you always stumble through
Remember never to surrender to the dark
Cuz if you turn another page
You will see that’s not the way
The story has to end
And if you need to find a way back
Feel you’re on the wrong track
Give it time, you’ll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
And you will find your own way
You’ll be stronger with each tear that you cry
Then you’ll learn to fly
In your head, so many questions
The truth is your possession
The answer lies within your heart (within your heart)
You will see the doors are open
If you only dare to hope and you
will find a way to fight
The fears that kept you down
Cuz if you turn another page
You will see that’s not the way
The story has to end
And if you need to find a way back
Feel you’re on the wrong track
Give it time, you’ll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
And you will find your own way
You’ll be stronger with each tear that you cry
Then you’ll learn to fly
Looking at your situation
There’s so much that you can do
Now’s the time to make your stand
This is just an observation
In the end it’s up to you
The future’s in your hands
And if you need to find a way back
Feel you’re on the wrong track
Give it time, you’ll learn to fly
Tomorrow is a new day
And you will find your own way
You’ll be stronger with each tear that you cry
Then you’ll learn to fly
Give it time
Then you’ll learn to fly
Chemistry
Isaac has many valence electrons and can react with many other elements. The bonds between Isaac and other elements are ionic and thus, strong.
Haha. Okay, I shall stop my rubbish extended metaphor. Go figure what that means.
Haha. Okay, I shall stop my rubbish extended metaphor. Go figure what that means.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Trilogy
There's Bio, Chem and Physics papers tomorrow. The mother of all killer days decides to come forth on the penulimate day of the exams. The last papers happen to be Chinese Papers 1 and 2, which is not that encouraging either.
So after waking up at 11.30am, studying, sleeping, gong for dinner, coming back only to fall asleep and wake up at 9.30pm, I finally feel that I've gone through my notes sufficiently to get a decent grade (meaning nothing less than an A). I have high expectations - both of myself and of others.
Yesterday was just a terrible day, save the fact that I managed to borrow 3 books in the midst of my exams - This I Believe (Fuentes), Discworld (Pratchett) and The Ground Beneath Her Feet (Rushdie). Don't know the authors? I didn't expect so. And Sam, yes I know you have rows and shelves of Pratchett! And the books were extremely bulky, which resulted in a very fat Deuter bag on my back. I'm at present 1/6 through This I Believe. I wonder if I'm able to finish the trilogy of borrowed material in two weeks.
Church is full of surprises, honestly. I walk into the Red Rooms for combined cell, and I'm told to lead gel. Given my 5 minutes of thought-preparation, I somehow managed to turn the most dull of games (dog-and-bone, like what the...) into an enjoyable game in the midst of everyone's exams. Bronson, get out! You're not everyone. You're invisible, so don't tell me SJI ended their exams last week.
The McDonald's experience involving a certain no-brainer named Justin Lu resulted in me realising (only now, sadly) that people with the intellect, maturity, and sensibility of a walnut are responsible for gang-fights in Singapore. Really. He apparently got pissed off just because some unknown person looked at him or goodness knows what. He proceeds to call his 'gang' with the following conversation over the phone.
"Eh brother! You know ah, just now some idiot, he stare at me you know! You all can come down now anot? Bring one lorry all come down. Beat him up ah! ... ..."
I swear if I had spiked my drink more I might have just resorted to physical violence. But as near-perfect creatures like myself are clearly juxtaposed in this scenario, I merely hurled a barrage of verbal gas-grenades at him, confusing the already poor tormented soul, before telling Kah Fei what was going on.
Got home at 11.30pm because dearest Nicholas Ng had to eat 3 McChickens to celebrate the end of his promos. Sheesh. And from the phone call with Dawn, I realised that girls are actually somehow observant. I mean, they observe things other than guys. (Keep your eyes off me.) They observe other girls! How intriguing. I have no idea what for. But yeah, she kind of confirmed my suspicions. So it takes the total tally up to...0 < x < 8. That's the range. Go figure.
Why I'm so popular I have no idea. I don't publicly flaunt my radiance in front of everyone so they notice me. They just do I guess?
And it's not something I like honestly. It gives me yet another headache trying to figure things out. There are certain things that you cannot do once you possess that knowledge, if you get my drift.
I must clarify, this post was not meant to promote my popularity, as much as I am loved.
My availability status shall not be revealed. I'm not that insecure to tell everyone I'm single and looking. If I had to, I'd say single and waiting to be looked up. So yeah.
So after waking up at 11.30am, studying, sleeping, gong for dinner, coming back only to fall asleep and wake up at 9.30pm, I finally feel that I've gone through my notes sufficiently to get a decent grade (meaning nothing less than an A). I have high expectations - both of myself and of others.
Yesterday was just a terrible day, save the fact that I managed to borrow 3 books in the midst of my exams - This I Believe (Fuentes), Discworld (Pratchett) and The Ground Beneath Her Feet (Rushdie). Don't know the authors? I didn't expect so. And Sam, yes I know you have rows and shelves of Pratchett! And the books were extremely bulky, which resulted in a very fat Deuter bag on my back. I'm at present 1/6 through This I Believe. I wonder if I'm able to finish the trilogy of borrowed material in two weeks.
Church is full of surprises, honestly. I walk into the Red Rooms for combined cell, and I'm told to lead gel. Given my 5 minutes of thought-preparation, I somehow managed to turn the most dull of games (dog-and-bone, like what the...) into an enjoyable game in the midst of everyone's exams. Bronson, get out! You're not everyone. You're invisible, so don't tell me SJI ended their exams last week.
The McDonald's experience involving a certain no-brainer named Justin Lu resulted in me realising (only now, sadly) that people with the intellect, maturity, and sensibility of a walnut are responsible for gang-fights in Singapore. Really. He apparently got pissed off just because some unknown person looked at him or goodness knows what. He proceeds to call his 'gang' with the following conversation over the phone.
"Eh brother! You know ah, just now some idiot, he stare at me you know! You all can come down now anot? Bring one lorry all come down. Beat him up ah! ... ..."
I swear if I had spiked my drink more I might have just resorted to physical violence. But as near-perfect creatures like myself are clearly juxtaposed in this scenario, I merely hurled a barrage of verbal gas-grenades at him, confusing the already poor tormented soul, before telling Kah Fei what was going on.
Got home at 11.30pm because dearest Nicholas Ng had to eat 3 McChickens to celebrate the end of his promos. Sheesh. And from the phone call with Dawn, I realised that girls are actually somehow observant. I mean, they observe things other than guys. (Keep your eyes off me.) They observe other girls! How intriguing. I have no idea what for. But yeah, she kind of confirmed my suspicions. So it takes the total tally up to...0 < x < 8. That's the range. Go figure.
Why I'm so popular I have no idea. I don't publicly flaunt my radiance in front of everyone so they notice me. They just do I guess?
And it's not something I like honestly. It gives me yet another headache trying to figure things out. There are certain things that you cannot do once you possess that knowledge, if you get my drift.
I must clarify, this post was not meant to promote my popularity, as much as I am loved.
My availability status shall not be revealed. I'm not that insecure to tell everyone I'm single and looking. If I had to, I'd say single and waiting to be looked up. So yeah.
The Good Life
What does it mean to lead a good life? Money? Happiness? Forging meaningful friendships?
It's lead me to think about the issue of contentment. In truth, we are never really content with life and what we have, are we? Despite what luxuries we possess, we will never fully treasure them, and know how much they mean, until they're gone.
Modernisation has caused society to be so absorbed in consumer fetishes, and we're caught on an endless cycle of materialism and discontentment. We buy a product, and three months later, a better version comes out, and we are not content with the inferior one that we have. Sounds familiar? It does to me. Consumer fetishism is the driving force behind a capitalist society; it's what makes our world go round.
Ironically, I believe contentment comes from the 'emptiness' of life. Think Africa. Those villagers make a living through agriculture and fishing. Those who fish do not have a fixed daily catch, and each day is a new challenge for survival. They only seek to catch what is enough to get them through. It's subsistence over capitalism. Anything more than what they need, is their luxury.
The daily challenge to get from day to day is something we have taken for granted. Those people find joy it in; they find joy in knowing they'll live to see another day. They'll live to see the smiles on their children's faces; feel the embrace of their spouses, and take up to challenge to live.
Our will to live is what brings us contentment, and in this society, we've been so numbed by the anaestatic of modernity. So what if someone gets struck down or is murdered? It's just another death. In Africa, a death is bemoaned by the entire village.
We've lost the love of life, and we're too blinded to see that the more we continue in our ways, the sooner we will lose it forever. It is not something that exists sempiternal, waiting for us to claim it as and when we so desire. Certain actions bring us to a path of no return...
It's lead me to think about the issue of contentment. In truth, we are never really content with life and what we have, are we? Despite what luxuries we possess, we will never fully treasure them, and know how much they mean, until they're gone.
Modernisation has caused society to be so absorbed in consumer fetishes, and we're caught on an endless cycle of materialism and discontentment. We buy a product, and three months later, a better version comes out, and we are not content with the inferior one that we have. Sounds familiar? It does to me. Consumer fetishism is the driving force behind a capitalist society; it's what makes our world go round.
Ironically, I believe contentment comes from the 'emptiness' of life. Think Africa. Those villagers make a living through agriculture and fishing. Those who fish do not have a fixed daily catch, and each day is a new challenge for survival. They only seek to catch what is enough to get them through. It's subsistence over capitalism. Anything more than what they need, is their luxury.
The daily challenge to get from day to day is something we have taken for granted. Those people find joy it in; they find joy in knowing they'll live to see another day. They'll live to see the smiles on their children's faces; feel the embrace of their spouses, and take up to challenge to live.
Our will to live is what brings us contentment, and in this society, we've been so numbed by the anaestatic of modernity. So what if someone gets struck down or is murdered? It's just another death. In Africa, a death is bemoaned by the entire village.
We've lost the love of life, and we're too blinded to see that the more we continue in our ways, the sooner we will lose it forever. It is not something that exists sempiternal, waiting for us to claim it as and when we so desire. Certain actions bring us to a path of no return...
Friday, October 07, 2005
A Return To Love
"A Return to Love"
Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same...
I needed to hear (read) this once again...
Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same...
I needed to hear (read) this once again...
Lights Will Guide You Home
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Coldplay never felt so real. It can encapsulate so such in so little...
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Coldplay never felt so real. It can encapsulate so such in so little...
Clouds Clearing
Oh. I'm rather alright now. I just realised that tomorrow's Saturday.
It's not church.
It's the fact that I'm getting something from someone tomorrow. Be jealous. And no, it's not a present. Go figure.
Inseparable polar identities, and now the craving's back...
It's not church.
It's the fact that I'm getting something from someone tomorrow. Be jealous. And no, it's not a present. Go figure.
Inseparable polar identities, and now the craving's back...
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Life and Death
Arghhh. I can't ever make that clean cut to totally free myself from the bonds in my life can I?
Once again the realisation that people and things still matter, as much as I live in denial, is so haunting. The thought that struck me was that without them, life would be meaningless, to a certain extent. Not that I'd die without them, but life would be different, very different. There's something about them that keeps me going day after day; it's a belief I have in them. It's also the times of joy shared with them that keeps me going. It's knowing that after the storm - just to see the smiles on their faces - everything will be fine. Cliched, but true I guess?
It's so ironic that my life is built upon others; that my self (if I may say so) is constructed upon the identity of others around me. This pretty much shatters my self-deception that I am all self-sufficient, God withstanding. I'd like to believe that I don't need anyone. I know I can survive alone; I've the will to do so. But what holds me back is the fact that I can't bear too. Certain bonds run too deep and there's no way of shaking it off so easily. There's a shared affinity (I hope) and it's not easy to erase the memories on which our beautiful castle in the clouds was built upon.
And again I've had to weigh the importance of the people in my life. I'm left reflecting on that verse - would I die for anyone? Wrong time period! I should have been born in medieval times, where chivalry and the idea of a noble sacrifice existed. Sadly, I do not think anyone is worth dying for though. There was a period of time, in the past, where I did admittedly have people that I would die for. But they've gone now. I don't know them anymore.
The concept of the noble sacrifice now only exists in alternate realities - TV shows, movies, RELIGION, and such. God died for us, yeah. But God is God, and I'm no God. There's no such thing now. Which self-absorbed person can see past himself and see the needs of others in this world now? Who can see past his own issues and stop whining about them, such that he sees the larger and more important picture out there? I would like to think I'm such a person, but now I have my doubts.
Perhaps people only realise urgency when the time beckons. Only in adversity are heroes born. Maybe only when your father is dying from a fatal chronic illness will you pray to God to take his place. Maybe only when your younger sister is taken hostage that you will be willing to take her place and die. Other than that, we are too self-absorbed. Such is the human condition.
But as Morpheus said (rephrased), what is worth living for is worth dying for. And the inverse is true. So what is it I'm living for? What will I be willing to die for? Questions left unanswered, and somethings I believe that they are better off left unanswered. I like to think there are answers for every question, but it is not always best if the questions are answered.
I think I need to find a new passion, something to absorb myself in. Perhaps a new hobby of sorts? I'm rarely passionate about anything. I'm a dull and antagonistic cynic and pessimist. I need to channel my energies into something worthwhile. Another questioning issue of temporal versus eternal is raised, but I will not address that now.
But this is permanence - everything will be transient. What a paradoxical world we live in, surrounded by endless chaos. Chaos so subtle we do not even realise or see it at times. We are and will be blind and self-absorbed - the king of beasts.
Once again the realisation that people and things still matter, as much as I live in denial, is so haunting. The thought that struck me was that without them, life would be meaningless, to a certain extent. Not that I'd die without them, but life would be different, very different. There's something about them that keeps me going day after day; it's a belief I have in them. It's also the times of joy shared with them that keeps me going. It's knowing that after the storm - just to see the smiles on their faces - everything will be fine. Cliched, but true I guess?
It's so ironic that my life is built upon others; that my self (if I may say so) is constructed upon the identity of others around me. This pretty much shatters my self-deception that I am all self-sufficient, God withstanding. I'd like to believe that I don't need anyone. I know I can survive alone; I've the will to do so. But what holds me back is the fact that I can't bear too. Certain bonds run too deep and there's no way of shaking it off so easily. There's a shared affinity (I hope) and it's not easy to erase the memories on which our beautiful castle in the clouds was built upon.
And again I've had to weigh the importance of the people in my life. I'm left reflecting on that verse - would I die for anyone? Wrong time period! I should have been born in medieval times, where chivalry and the idea of a noble sacrifice existed. Sadly, I do not think anyone is worth dying for though. There was a period of time, in the past, where I did admittedly have people that I would die for. But they've gone now. I don't know them anymore.
The concept of the noble sacrifice now only exists in alternate realities - TV shows, movies, RELIGION, and such. God died for us, yeah. But God is God, and I'm no God. There's no such thing now. Which self-absorbed person can see past himself and see the needs of others in this world now? Who can see past his own issues and stop whining about them, such that he sees the larger and more important picture out there? I would like to think I'm such a person, but now I have my doubts.
Perhaps people only realise urgency when the time beckons. Only in adversity are heroes born. Maybe only when your father is dying from a fatal chronic illness will you pray to God to take his place. Maybe only when your younger sister is taken hostage that you will be willing to take her place and die. Other than that, we are too self-absorbed. Such is the human condition.
But as Morpheus said (rephrased), what is worth living for is worth dying for. And the inverse is true. So what is it I'm living for? What will I be willing to die for? Questions left unanswered, and somethings I believe that they are better off left unanswered. I like to think there are answers for every question, but it is not always best if the questions are answered.
I think I need to find a new passion, something to absorb myself in. Perhaps a new hobby of sorts? I'm rarely passionate about anything. I'm a dull and antagonistic cynic and pessimist. I need to channel my energies into something worthwhile. Another questioning issue of temporal versus eternal is raised, but I will not address that now.
But this is permanence - everything will be transient. What a paradoxical world we live in, surrounded by endless chaos. Chaos so subtle we do not even realise or see it at times. We are and will be blind and self-absorbed - the king of beasts.
Running Away
If only our minds can feel and our hearts can think, then we would all be able to make sense of 'love'.
I honestly deem it a social vice - it shatters all rational thinking and compels us to do things we would otherwise deem absurd or ludicrous.
It is love that makes us hold on tightly to what we believe it. It is love that stimulates the illusion of hope - hope of a better future; that one day, the sun will shine again; that tomorrow, everything will be alright; that eventually, everything will fall into place.
I've finally come to accept that everything is transient, and that permanence doesn't exist, not even in memories.
Some people have told me that memories are what we are made of. They are fragments of our past experiences and existence. The photographic images stored in the centre of our heads will remain with us wherever we may go. Someone once said that if she were to enter the afterlife taking only one thing with her, it would be her memories. They are said to follow you wherever you go though, strangely enough.
But memories break down and vanish from existence once you learn to let go and forget. You are no longer enslaved by their dominance over your mind, and you are free to start anew. Memories hold us all back from moving on; we bear testament to that when we recall each painful moment that sets up the roadblock signalling for us to stop and pull over. We can no longer move on with the excess baggage. We need to shed it, and flee. Run, without turning back. There is no turning back. Leave everything behind; all that was once happy, once pleasant; once enjoyable, and run.
Ironically, this post contrasts everything that I feel inside. But I've come to acknowledge that my time is up. Like Elrond says to the Hobbits at the end of ROTK, "The time of the Elves is over, it is now time for the dominion of Men." My time is up. It's now a new calling for others to play their roles, while I sail out of Rivendell, out of existence and memory, fading into eternity.
I honestly deem it a social vice - it shatters all rational thinking and compels us to do things we would otherwise deem absurd or ludicrous.
It is love that makes us hold on tightly to what we believe it. It is love that stimulates the illusion of hope - hope of a better future; that one day, the sun will shine again; that tomorrow, everything will be alright; that eventually, everything will fall into place.
I've finally come to accept that everything is transient, and that permanence doesn't exist, not even in memories.
Some people have told me that memories are what we are made of. They are fragments of our past experiences and existence. The photographic images stored in the centre of our heads will remain with us wherever we may go. Someone once said that if she were to enter the afterlife taking only one thing with her, it would be her memories. They are said to follow you wherever you go though, strangely enough.
But memories break down and vanish from existence once you learn to let go and forget. You are no longer enslaved by their dominance over your mind, and you are free to start anew. Memories hold us all back from moving on; we bear testament to that when we recall each painful moment that sets up the roadblock signalling for us to stop and pull over. We can no longer move on with the excess baggage. We need to shed it, and flee. Run, without turning back. There is no turning back. Leave everything behind; all that was once happy, once pleasant; once enjoyable, and run.
Ironically, this post contrasts everything that I feel inside. But I've come to acknowledge that my time is up. Like Elrond says to the Hobbits at the end of ROTK, "The time of the Elves is over, it is now time for the dominion of Men." My time is up. It's now a new calling for others to play their roles, while I sail out of Rivendell, out of existence and memory, fading into eternity.
The Ocean of Your Mind
Oh my goodness! Thank God for free tickets! Into The Blue was utter rubbish!! It exemplifies my belief that sex sells to all stupid hormonal Singaporeans; they never outgrow that hormonal rage! Goodness.
You're only paying to see Jessica Alba and Ashley Scott in swimsuits, which is semi-disgusting. Most of all, the plot has absolutely no link and flow! Suddenly everyone is involved in some drug-trafficking scandal and you're left wondering "what on earth just happened?!"
Plot aside, cinematography was quite alright. Paranomic sea-views were ever-present, almost becoming too cliched.
I still prefer movies that deal with social issues and make me think, not some thrashy fleshy hormonal sex-selling one. Society is on the decline, it's undeniable.
Other movies to watch during the holidays:
-The Chronicles of Narnia (a must!!!!)
-Goal (soccer movie, interesting...)
-Corpse Bride (animation; let's see it rival up to Finding Nemo or other Pixar ones)
-The Skeleton Key (please let it not be rated)
The Dukes of Hazard is a thrashy film. I don't have to watch it to give it a 1X10^-(insert large number here). If you watch it, you're probably either very rich with time to kill, or utterly stupid. I hope it's the former though.
One down, 19 more movies to go...
You're only paying to see Jessica Alba and Ashley Scott in swimsuits, which is semi-disgusting. Most of all, the plot has absolutely no link and flow! Suddenly everyone is involved in some drug-trafficking scandal and you're left wondering "what on earth just happened?!"
Plot aside, cinematography was quite alright. Paranomic sea-views were ever-present, almost becoming too cliched.
I still prefer movies that deal with social issues and make me think, not some thrashy fleshy hormonal sex-selling one. Society is on the decline, it's undeniable.
Other movies to watch during the holidays:
-The Chronicles of Narnia (a must!!!!)
-Goal (soccer movie, interesting...)
-Corpse Bride (animation; let's see it rival up to Finding Nemo or other Pixar ones)
-The Skeleton Key (please let it not be rated)
The Dukes of Hazard is a thrashy film. I don't have to watch it to give it a 1X10^-(insert large number here). If you watch it, you're probably either very rich with time to kill, or utterly stupid. I hope it's the former though.
One down, 19 more movies to go...
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
The Fifth Horseman
Thank God math was okay today. Only 2 questions on Trigo! Hopefully my projected A is still attainable.
There's no paper tomorrow, so I shall go catch a movie with Bronson. It's something only geniuses like me can afford to do. So if you can't live my life, don't be sad. At least you're normal (I hope).
Hmmm, post-exam wanderings have interesting results. I was trying to find Ms Lim as I needed help for Chemistry. She wasn't in the Staff Room, so I ended up having a nice 1 hour chat with Mr Marcus Tan. It was an interesting conversation really. Since when did a student and a teacher talk about the issues bothering them with regard to the academic system, and other things in life? It's rare, but enjoyable. And I still owe him dinner after the exams end...
I seem to have taken a sudden interest in the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. I have no idea what triggered the sudden memory of them. If I'm not wrong, it was a Terry Pratchett book. Discworld, or something like that. Anyone knows any books with reference to the Four? I don't mind having a read after the exams. It's another interest-phase of my life. The last was with Elves and the Fell Beasts of Mordor. Ha.
I'm living in my fantasy world.
There's no paper tomorrow, so I shall go catch a movie with Bronson. It's something only geniuses like me can afford to do. So if you can't live my life, don't be sad. At least you're normal (I hope).
Hmmm, post-exam wanderings have interesting results. I was trying to find Ms Lim as I needed help for Chemistry. She wasn't in the Staff Room, so I ended up having a nice 1 hour chat with Mr Marcus Tan. It was an interesting conversation really. Since when did a student and a teacher talk about the issues bothering them with regard to the academic system, and other things in life? It's rare, but enjoyable. And I still owe him dinner after the exams end...
I seem to have taken a sudden interest in the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. I have no idea what triggered the sudden memory of them. If I'm not wrong, it was a Terry Pratchett book. Discworld, or something like that. Anyone knows any books with reference to the Four? I don't mind having a read after the exams. It's another interest-phase of my life. The last was with Elves and the Fell Beasts of Mordor. Ha.
I'm living in my fantasy world.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Looking Back in Realisation
"Maybe one day you'll understand why things are the way they are..."
Or something along that lines. That was the reply sent to someone close to me by someone close to him (oh the ambiguity). But I've been thinking about it. Does it apply to me? Will I ever understand why things happen the way they do in my life?
Will I ever realise how my wrong choices can contribute to a better future? Somehow I just want to see the big picture now. But God must have His reasons for making me wait.
Honestly I do not understand the logic behind taking something away, making you cry days over it, and returning what's lost in a totally different (broken) condition. Am I supposed to repair what's left of it to enjoy it once again? Or is it meant to be just a symbolic memory of my past and nothing more?
I don't know. I really don't.
Why am I so hesistant nowadays? My self-confidence is waning. I guess the higher up you go, the harder you will fall, and I don't want to lose it all again.
And still, I've done nothing about Maths. Maybe somehow I'll be inspired to do well tomorrow because of a random event and I'll get full marks! I certainly hope so.
Goodnight world.
Or something along that lines. That was the reply sent to someone close to me by someone close to him (oh the ambiguity). But I've been thinking about it. Does it apply to me? Will I ever understand why things happen the way they do in my life?
Will I ever realise how my wrong choices can contribute to a better future? Somehow I just want to see the big picture now. But God must have His reasons for making me wait.
Honestly I do not understand the logic behind taking something away, making you cry days over it, and returning what's lost in a totally different (broken) condition. Am I supposed to repair what's left of it to enjoy it once again? Or is it meant to be just a symbolic memory of my past and nothing more?
I don't know. I really don't.
Why am I so hesistant nowadays? My self-confidence is waning. I guess the higher up you go, the harder you will fall, and I don't want to lose it all again.
And still, I've done nothing about Maths. Maybe somehow I'll be inspired to do well tomorrow because of a random event and I'll get full marks! I certainly hope so.
Goodnight world.
sin 2A = 2sinAcosA
I feel oh-so-accomplished now that I've understood more mathematical concepts.
But it doesn't change the fact that I will fail if there's an exceedingly high number of Trigo questions.
On the bright side, after tomorrow, it's a day's break till Geog and History on Friday. I shall go catch a movie then. It's unheard of, but geniuses need breaks you know. We can't be cooped up all day and expect good results to fly in through the window. We need R&R okay!
I've already made a Things-To-Do list once the holidays start. That includes watching >10 movies to compensate my rather low movie ticket-stub collection this year.
Hmm, I wonder if I'll go back to doing what I did last year during November/December. Sleeping at 3, waking at 9, and being bored. Boredom drives you to do stupid things. I need a vacation. Speaking of which, Mark Yong's supposed to plan the stupid chalet!!! Interested parties contact me. My phone number can be attained by asking any girl on the streets (ha). No really! Right. If you don't have my phone number you don't deserve to go. Ha. Yeah yeah, I'm mean, evil, whatever.
Question for my beloved audience to ponder on: should Isaac keep long hair during the holidays or not?
But it doesn't change the fact that I will fail if there's an exceedingly high number of Trigo questions.
On the bright side, after tomorrow, it's a day's break till Geog and History on Friday. I shall go catch a movie then. It's unheard of, but geniuses need breaks you know. We can't be cooped up all day and expect good results to fly in through the window. We need R&R okay!
I've already made a Things-To-Do list once the holidays start. That includes watching >10 movies to compensate my rather low movie ticket-stub collection this year.
Hmm, I wonder if I'll go back to doing what I did last year during November/December. Sleeping at 3, waking at 9, and being bored. Boredom drives you to do stupid things. I need a vacation. Speaking of which, Mark Yong's supposed to plan the stupid chalet!!! Interested parties contact me. My phone number can be attained by asking any girl on the streets (ha). No really! Right. If you don't have my phone number you don't deserve to go. Ha. Yeah yeah, I'm mean, evil, whatever.
Question for my beloved audience to ponder on: should Isaac keep long hair during the holidays or not?
F Maths
That's the highest form of Math they offer in JC. The title's provocative. Go figure.
That aside, Language Arts today was...smooth sailing. I should be getting my >70% this time. The strange thing was that I was seriously pissed off after Paper 1. I wasted 15 minutes planning a Question 3 Essay and ended up doing Question 1 because I didn't have enough points. And Marcus swaggers out of the hall grinning going around "Eh what question did you do bro?" Upon hearing that I did not do Question 3 due to a lack of points, he acts shocked.
"Wow. English pro don't have enough points?! Oh, I sure die already la. Wah seh! (or however you spell those stupid singlish words [yes no capitalisation!])"
His use of sarcasm seriously undermines the entire English language. He should be shot in the head thrice, run over by stampeding elephants six times, and boiled in oil another six times. Ahh whatever.
The main focus on this entry is to publicly announce that I'm going to FAIL Maths. I'm going to F Maths!
Fail Maths = F Maths. Ooh. My brilliant equations!
Yeah right. I'm seriously dying; I can't do Trigonometry now, and my AP sequences skills have flown to Mars and deserted me. I'm so going to die. I need to make myself feel better... Hmm...
What I know:
-Proportion
-Co-ordinate Geometry
What I do not know:
-Linear inequalities
-Logs
-Surds and Indices
-"Basic" Trigonometry
2/6 = 33% Yay. I'm so going to fail. Since I know that, why am I not doing anything about it? I have no idea. I'm off to hopefully change my forecasted future.
Did I mention everyone expects me to do well tomorrow? Wait, I am a genius. I can do it. Yeah... Hmm... I need motivation. Are there any thrashy math blogs for me to read so I feel like performing well and kicking the person's butt? I doubt so... If only they had crappy Chinese blogs. Ha.
That aside, Language Arts today was...smooth sailing. I should be getting my >70% this time. The strange thing was that I was seriously pissed off after Paper 1. I wasted 15 minutes planning a Question 3 Essay and ended up doing Question 1 because I didn't have enough points. And Marcus swaggers out of the hall grinning going around "Eh what question did you do bro?" Upon hearing that I did not do Question 3 due to a lack of points, he acts shocked.
"Wow. English pro don't have enough points?! Oh, I sure die already la. Wah seh! (or however you spell those stupid singlish words [yes no capitalisation!])"
His use of sarcasm seriously undermines the entire English language. He should be shot in the head thrice, run over by stampeding elephants six times, and boiled in oil another six times. Ahh whatever.
The main focus on this entry is to publicly announce that I'm going to FAIL Maths. I'm going to F Maths!
Fail Maths = F Maths. Ooh. My brilliant equations!
Yeah right. I'm seriously dying; I can't do Trigonometry now, and my AP sequences skills have flown to Mars and deserted me. I'm so going to die. I need to make myself feel better... Hmm...
What I know:
-Proportion
-Co-ordinate Geometry
What I do not know:
-Linear inequalities
-Logs
-Surds and Indices
-"Basic" Trigonometry
2/6 = 33% Yay. I'm so going to fail. Since I know that, why am I not doing anything about it? I have no idea. I'm off to hopefully change my forecasted future.
Did I mention everyone expects me to do well tomorrow? Wait, I am a genius. I can do it. Yeah... Hmm... I need motivation. Are there any thrashy math blogs for me to read so I feel like performing well and kicking the person's butt? I doubt so... If only they had crappy Chinese blogs. Ha.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Idiocy is a Crime
after letting my mind wander abit after maths. i conculded Kopitiams are better than posh restraunts.Excerpt of Marcus' blog. Hmm, what paper is it tomorrow? I believe it's Language Arts. I'm presently laughing my entire body off (if it's remotely possible) after reading this junk. He can't spell restaurant. Hahaha!!! I'm mean, I know. Next, his arguments contradict. Anyone understands that thrash? Maybe we should use it as a model work for the 'Speak Good English Campaign'! Singapore's top 5%! Work of art!
i mean sure restraunts are more clean. there some clean kopitiams too.
sure , restraunts can show your are high and might. but kopitiam can show you are SINGAPOREAN.
i mean. you could hold up your chest, put your body straight and eat with a knife and fork at kopitiam. but could you never slouch and put your leg up and ENJOY with hand in restraunts.
you could talk nice and politely in kopitiam. but you can never shout KOPI-O . in restraunts.
you can wear $1000 suit to kopitiam what. who stop you. but you wear singlet and boxers to restraunts the manager kick you out.
best of all. you can eat a BIG FILLING bowl of mee for $2. in kopitiams. i love you all.
I have compiled a list of things not to do during my essay tomorrow, and that is certainly one of them.
I will not make myself look like an idiot. Wait, I think he's idiocy is getting to me. I had better go pop some pills that might make me seem smarter than I am. (Didn't you know? I'm a scam.) Yeah, drinking milk at night after eating fried rice makes you alot smarter. You can always try mixing every sauce McDelivery has to offer too. Doing that will ensure you an A for every subject you take. You'll even pass Chemistry with the aid of the empirical formulae of the ingredients of the food you just ate!
Reflection II
Yes, it's another entry about this poor, misguided, confused intellectual seeking answers and wondering and seeking answers to life and his existence.
Recent events have caused me, once again, no doubt, to search deeper into finding out who I really am. I keep ending up in cycle after cycle of relationships (some a total waste of time) formed and broken, and I get thrown back to the same people over and over. And I'm thinking, why? Why do this over and over again? Why bother to experiment to find out what works and try to hang on and preserve the relationship? Why do some mean more to me than others ever will? Why don't I escape from society and run to some unknown deserted island to isolate myself, and live life alone?
Once again I'm down to selecting which relationships to juggle and hold on to at this juncture of my life. I really find that having that many people to handle just kills me. As much as Jose Mourinho has problems keeping the star-studded Chelsea squad happy, I have my problems finding and squeezing out time to talk to people, to show that I'm there for them. I know it's illogical reasoning, but it's happening. I don't talk to a person for a week or two, they think I'm neglecting them.
Yet sometimes I find myself guilty of that; of seeking attention from people I'm close to, so that I know I still matter to them. It's the whole teenage insecurity issue. So that brings me to the question - no close friends, no need to do such a thing, right? That's one of my constant struggles - whether to treasure relationships like they matter, or to seem distant and cold, so I won't get hurt again.
Mercantilistic society tells us to take more, and give less; profit is the name of the game. And when applied to friendships and relationships, everything goes wrong.
Something from a previous MSN conversation struck me. I guess very few relationships nowadays are built on trust. There's always suspicion that people might betray you and all. I guess even if that isn't present, there is something that holds us back from freely pouring out our souls to another, isn't there? For myself, I admit I don't trust everyone. There's always that fear. But yet, I'm just so open towards certain people, and I daresay I'd tell them anything about my life if they asked.
Trust has to be earned, you might argue. Yet certain bonds transcend any form of logic or human emotion that we comprehend. These bonds shared between two (or more) people cause them to do things for each other without reasoning.
Wait, that sounded wrong. It sounds like some silly speech on love. Ha. Right. I did not intend to make it sound that way. So rephrase - there are platonic bonds form that transcend any form of logic or human emotion we comprehend. Yeah, alot better.
This is totally paradoxical. I'm supposed to be rational, not freaking emo. Being emotional is good, at times. One could argue a whole thesis on that. So if anyone would like to support that stand, please do let me in on your...reasons for that.
Recent events have caused me, once again, no doubt, to search deeper into finding out who I really am. I keep ending up in cycle after cycle of relationships (some a total waste of time) formed and broken, and I get thrown back to the same people over and over. And I'm thinking, why? Why do this over and over again? Why bother to experiment to find out what works and try to hang on and preserve the relationship? Why do some mean more to me than others ever will? Why don't I escape from society and run to some unknown deserted island to isolate myself, and live life alone?
Once again I'm down to selecting which relationships to juggle and hold on to at this juncture of my life. I really find that having that many people to handle just kills me. As much as Jose Mourinho has problems keeping the star-studded Chelsea squad happy, I have my problems finding and squeezing out time to talk to people, to show that I'm there for them. I know it's illogical reasoning, but it's happening. I don't talk to a person for a week or two, they think I'm neglecting them.
Yet sometimes I find myself guilty of that; of seeking attention from people I'm close to, so that I know I still matter to them. It's the whole teenage insecurity issue. So that brings me to the question - no close friends, no need to do such a thing, right? That's one of my constant struggles - whether to treasure relationships like they matter, or to seem distant and cold, so I won't get hurt again.
Mercantilistic society tells us to take more, and give less; profit is the name of the game. And when applied to friendships and relationships, everything goes wrong.
Something from a previous MSN conversation struck me. I guess very few relationships nowadays are built on trust. There's always suspicion that people might betray you and all. I guess even if that isn't present, there is something that holds us back from freely pouring out our souls to another, isn't there? For myself, I admit I don't trust everyone. There's always that fear. But yet, I'm just so open towards certain people, and I daresay I'd tell them anything about my life if they asked.
Trust has to be earned, you might argue. Yet certain bonds transcend any form of logic or human emotion that we comprehend. These bonds shared between two (or more) people cause them to do things for each other without reasoning.
Wait, that sounded wrong. It sounds like some silly speech on love. Ha. Right. I did not intend to make it sound that way. So rephrase - there are platonic bonds form that transcend any form of logic or human emotion we comprehend. Yeah, alot better.
This is totally paradoxical. I'm supposed to be rational, not freaking emo. Being emotional is good, at times. One could argue a whole thesis on that. So if anyone would like to support that stand, please do let me in on your...reasons for that.
Do Not Disturb
While everyone else is mugging their butts off for Language Arts, His Royal Highness sits on his throne, laptop on (err what on earth) lap, clicking incessantly on link after link of his GEP social list of blogs. He reads post after post, skimming through the use of the beautiful language crafted by many young minds into intriguing blog posts which is coded so that no one not of the circle knows what is being said.
He picks out several words, intent on using them in his essay tomorrow; words that will leave his examiners jaws gaping wide as they fervently mark script after script of teenage thrash, before coming to his brilliant piece, of which they will frame up in 24-carat gold and frame it in the staff room (or the GP noticeboard).
I've realised how much I've missed the company of those who share my intellectual capabilities. I mean, reading any TJC IP student's blog can put me to sleep!
"todae we had la.. it sux larx!! i dun get wad mr tan is tryin to sae manx.. sure fail wanx.. haishh, i go slp liao le, bb muackx luv u"
ARGH. That was disgusting, even to type out. Give me a minute, I need to wash my fingers with Dettol.
I mean, there is something interesting about GEP blogs even though they're recounts of the person's day and all.
I think IP students (myself and any other GEP people exempted) are pretentious *creatures* (I'm trying not to swear) that have no life other than trying to find some new girlfriend/crush in school and boosting their popularity. Like, my gosh. I'm surrounded by these...things! The top 5% of Singapore's student population, and these are the thoughts running through their mind! Whee. I feel like I'm a god-like being amongst them.
Those academically inclined students mug day and night, and have no social life. I, on the other hand, can combine both and still do well in them. Deal with it, I'm gifted, you're not. I'm arrogant, but hey, I have every reason to be. At least I don't just say "you suck" and walk away, although that may be the only two words I might ever say to you, so if that happens, be honoured and keep those words in mind. They'll take you far in life. Always remember!
This is how I psyche myself into doing well. I really should be studying... I honestly don't care.
He picks out several words, intent on using them in his essay tomorrow; words that will leave his examiners jaws gaping wide as they fervently mark script after script of teenage thrash, before coming to his brilliant piece, of which they will frame up in 24-carat gold and frame it in the staff room (or the GP noticeboard).
I've realised how much I've missed the company of those who share my intellectual capabilities. I mean, reading any TJC IP student's blog can put me to sleep!
"todae we had la.. it sux larx!! i dun get wad mr tan is tryin to sae manx.. sure fail wanx.. haishh, i go slp liao le, bb muackx luv u"
ARGH. That was disgusting, even to type out. Give me a minute, I need to wash my fingers with Dettol.
I mean, there is something interesting about GEP blogs even though they're recounts of the person's day and all.
I think IP students (myself and any other GEP people exempted) are pretentious *creatures* (I'm trying not to swear) that have no life other than trying to find some new girlfriend/crush in school and boosting their popularity. Like, my gosh. I'm surrounded by these...things! The top 5% of Singapore's student population, and these are the thoughts running through their mind! Whee. I feel like I'm a god-like being amongst them.
Those academically inclined students mug day and night, and have no social life. I, on the other hand, can combine both and still do well in them. Deal with it, I'm gifted, you're not. I'm arrogant, but hey, I have every reason to be. At least I don't just say "you suck" and walk away, although that may be the only two words I might ever say to you, so if that happens, be honoured and keep those words in mind. They'll take you far in life. Always remember!
This is how I psyche myself into doing well. I really should be studying... I honestly don't care.
Arrogance
I'm still not revising.
Perhaps I'm too much of an arrogant (insert your own choice of word here) that I do not think I need to study. I'll go over Math later. I'm confident enough for Lang Arts that I decided not to go for the 'how to write an essay' review. I've topped the class for the essay component since Term 1. So that speaks for itself. Yeah yeah, I'm overconfident. Deal with it. I think my writing skills have established themself in my dominance of the humanities subjects.
I'm a social outcast. No one likes me. Boo hoo. Yeah right. That was random. I'm watching the replay of Liverpool-Chelsea now. Caught the 4-1 away victory last night, but I have nothing better to do.
Three frames of past memories...
Perhaps I'm too much of an arrogant (insert your own choice of word here) that I do not think I need to study. I'll go over Math later. I'm confident enough for Lang Arts that I decided not to go for the 'how to write an essay' review. I've topped the class for the essay component since Term 1. So that speaks for itself. Yeah yeah, I'm overconfident. Deal with it. I think my writing skills have established themself in my dominance of the humanities subjects.
I'm a social outcast. No one likes me. Boo hoo. Yeah right. That was random. I'm watching the replay of Liverpool-Chelsea now. Caught the 4-1 away victory last night, but I have nothing better to do.
Three frames of past memories...
Burn the Ships
I knew it! The song was by Steven Curtis Chapman. I knew I heard it somewhere before. Finally dug up my dad's old collection of 1980-1990's songs.
Burn the Ships
by Steven Curtis Chapman
Album: Heaven in the Real World
Go find your own lyrics.
Burn the Ships
by Steven Curtis Chapman
Album: Heaven in the Real World
Go find your own lyrics.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Signs That I Have Not Been Studying
| Your IQ Is 140 |
 Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Genius |
Why on earth is my logical reasoning so low?!
| You Should Learn French |
 C'est super! You appreciate the finer things in life... wine, art, cheese, love affairs. You are definitely a Parisian at heart. You just need your tongue to catch up... |
French...Uhhuhh.
| Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover |
 You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you! Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter. You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you. You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover. Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives. Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours. No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover. |
Yeah right. I was bored, but I was dead honest okay! This is so...
| How You Are In Love |
 You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to give more than take in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. |
Kind of true... It shows that I'm becoming predictable like any other person. Disgusting.
| The Keys to Your Heart |
 You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell. You'd like to your lover to think you are flexible and ready for anything! You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now. |
Haha. I shall not comment on this one. True or not?
| Your Personality Is |
You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas. You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy! Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people. In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally. You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought. Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals. In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent. At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia. With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well. As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly. On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things. |
True...
| You Are a Martini |
 There's no other way to say it: you're a total lush. You hold your liquor well, and you hold a lot of it! |
Ermm...
| You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish |
You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be. |
I'm androgynous!
| Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate |
 You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great. One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog... And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes. Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with. |
Uhhuhh.
| Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating |
 You're not ready to go walking down the aisle. But you may be ready in a couple of years. You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment. And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility. |
Haha. What nonsense...
| Your World View |
You are a fairly broadminded romantic and reasonably content. You value kindness and try to live by your ideals. You have strong need for security, which may be either emotional or material. You respect truth and are flexible. You like people, and they can readily make friends with you. You are not very adventurous, but this does not bother you. |
Okay. That's all for now.
Faith
Just before the exams, I am hit by something which I thought was long over. I seriously don't get why such distractions keep popping up at such crucial points in my life.
I really am at quite a loss at what to do. I know I can't have both ways, and yesterday's sermon in church was all the more apt in telling me so. I'm not doubting God, but I find it quite bizarre. I mean, why ask me to surrender all that I have into Your Hands and trust You, and then take me back to the times of insecurity when it's so hard to trust anyone? I don't get it. But what I know is that You see more than what I can, and You have plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. And for that, I know I can safely place my life in Your Hands, knowing that after all this, I'll be unscathed, protected by Your Hands of Love.
This is Faith.
Why do songs take on new meanings each time I hear them? God's just so amazing. Even verses mean different things each time you read them; you get a new perspective of them. This goes to show that God's Word is living and active. (Amen to that.) I mean, you ask me how I know my God is real, and it's simple. How else can words spoken over 2000 years ago mean so much to me now, 2000 years later? Different world, different context, same God - the same forever and ever. Thank You for everything...
Majesty (Here I am)
by Delirious?
Here I am, humbled by Your majesty,
Covered by Your grace so free.
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man,
Covered by the blood of the Lamb.
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice.
Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty-handed but alive in Your hands.
Here I am, humbled by the love that You give,
Forgiven so that I can forgive.
So here I stand, knowing that I am Your desire,
Sanctified by glory and fire.
And now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice.
Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty-handed but alive in your hands.
Singing Majesty, Majesty.
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the presence of Your Majesty.
Majesty.
We're singing Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
And I'm nothing but alive in Your hands.
We're singing Majesty, Majesty.
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the beauty of Your Majesty.
Majesty.
I really am at quite a loss at what to do. I know I can't have both ways, and yesterday's sermon in church was all the more apt in telling me so. I'm not doubting God, but I find it quite bizarre. I mean, why ask me to surrender all that I have into Your Hands and trust You, and then take me back to the times of insecurity when it's so hard to trust anyone? I don't get it. But what I know is that You see more than what I can, and You have plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. And for that, I know I can safely place my life in Your Hands, knowing that after all this, I'll be unscathed, protected by Your Hands of Love.
This is Faith.
Why do songs take on new meanings each time I hear them? God's just so amazing. Even verses mean different things each time you read them; you get a new perspective of them. This goes to show that God's Word is living and active. (Amen to that.) I mean, you ask me how I know my God is real, and it's simple. How else can words spoken over 2000 years ago mean so much to me now, 2000 years later? Different world, different context, same God - the same forever and ever. Thank You for everything...
Majesty (Here I am)
by Delirious?
Here I am, humbled by Your majesty,
Covered by Your grace so free.
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man,
Covered by the blood of the Lamb.
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice.
Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty-handed but alive in Your hands.
Here I am, humbled by the love that You give,
Forgiven so that I can forgive.
So here I stand, knowing that I am Your desire,
Sanctified by glory and fire.
And now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life, the greatest sacrifice.
Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty-handed but alive in your hands.
Singing Majesty, Majesty.
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the presence of Your Majesty.
Majesty.
We're singing Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
And I'm nothing but alive in Your hands.
We're singing Majesty, Majesty.
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the beauty of Your Majesty.
Majesty.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Apathy
Three days to the Promos, and honestly, I don't care anymore. I can't be bothered with subject combinations or anything else. I'm on the verge of saying, "I don't care two hoots if I fail my Promos (which is impossible)."
I don't see why things have to happen at this present time. I honestly have no time for this, as much as I'd like to do something about it. And I can't do anything after my Promos are over because the time isn't right either. So what? Get depressed and wait till the holidays to resolve it?
Sorry, it's not happening. I think I've had enough already. Yet the ironic fact is that I still want you back.
I just realised guys can be just so disgustingly irresponsible at times...
And worst of all, today's a Saturday. How am supposed to smile in church and pretend everything's alright? Yeah, I know - be real, don't pretend. Not going to work. I do not need people asking me what's wrong in my life.
I don't want to talk about it, I just want to sit and stare at you...
If only I could. But it isn't going to happen. But somethings that are lost cannot be replaced. If you think I can go and find someone else like that, you're gravely mistaken. I shall just learn the art of self-sufficiency and survive on my own.
I don't see why things have to happen at this present time. I honestly have no time for this, as much as I'd like to do something about it. And I can't do anything after my Promos are over because the time isn't right either. So what? Get depressed and wait till the holidays to resolve it?
Sorry, it's not happening. I think I've had enough already. Yet the ironic fact is that I still want you back.
I just realised guys can be just so disgustingly irresponsible at times...
And worst of all, today's a Saturday. How am supposed to smile in church and pretend everything's alright? Yeah, I know - be real, don't pretend. Not going to work. I do not need people asking me what's wrong in my life.
I don't want to talk about it, I just want to sit and stare at you...
If only I could. But it isn't going to happen. But somethings that are lost cannot be replaced. If you think I can go and find someone else like that, you're gravely mistaken. I shall just learn the art of self-sufficiency and survive on my own.
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