Getting to Know You

Where I End and You Begin

I'm on the road to completing studying for Promos. Finished Brave New World with Nicole today, and I think I'm done with Math. Be jealous.

And once again I'm back to the place where the world seems fine but I know it's not. I think I'll always have this struggle with God. When things are going good in my Walk, everything else crumbles and falls. When I'm falling away, life is good. Someone once asked why I did not fall away, seeing clearly, in his words, that life is better without God. But I know that's not true. Life with God was never meant to be a bed of roses. God molds us through challenges and trials, and we get stretched and we grow.

CF Installation today was good. I think I enjoyed service. It was a breather from grounds I know so well. I think I need to love my Comm though. I know I don't. It's like, more of a working relationship, but somehow that's not exactly right. I want God to work in us and through us for ACJC. Events like REW and Passion AC can't merely be events we hold due to tradition, but they are platforms for God to move. I admit I cannot understand the shallow, myopic, narrowmindedness of certain people, I seriously don't understand how they can do they things they do. But I know I need to reserve judgment, for it is not mine to give.

And maybe starting over was the best decision I've ever made this year. I think we're both happy now (I know I am). I know I'm beginning to trust; to open up; to learn to be vulnerable. I know I might end up hurt, but I'm learning to trust that you won't use me. People say we'll never really truly know or be able to describe what love is. I admit I'll never fully know what it means to love, or to even love, but from what I know of it, I know I do love you.

I still feel this song sums it up aptly.

Giving It Away
by Mae

By the way you brought me here
It makes me believe
The best is still yet to come
And I don't want to leave

Forgive my hesitation
But I'm learning to trust in you
Help me to dream these dreams
Because I don't have a clue

If you'd be honest
And say what you mean
You know I would promise
I'd do anything because
I know that without you
I'm giving it away

Is this what you wanted?
Cause I'm willing to change
Now that I'm certain
That there's much more to gain
You've introduced me to the moment
But I'm looking to stay for good
You asked me to stay forever
Well, you know that I would
I would do anything

If you'd be honest
And say what you mean
You know I would promise
I'd do anything because
I know that without you
I'm giving it away

The nights are forever
And maybe I'm wrong
But it feels like
I'm so lost without you
So I step towards the heat
It's the way I can see
And it makes me believe that it's you

By the way you brought me here
It makes me believe
The best is still yet to come
And I don't want to leave
I won't, but anyway

If you'd be honest
And say what you mean
You know I would promise
I'd do anything because

The nights are forever
I can't get to sleep cause
I know there's a reason
I'm in this too deep
And I'm sure that without you
I'm giving it away
Giving it away

Giving Unreservedly

Let me pen down my thoughts on something. I desperately need to get it out of my system.

Maybe I thought of being nice today, and stayed back to wait for someone after school. I texted the person to call me when she's done with lessons and all. 4.30pm - the bell rang, signaling the end of the day. I called. No response.

I waited, and called another 7 times. Still no response. By the time it was 5pm, I decided to leave school but take my fury back home with me.

On the way back, I rationalised what could have happened. Maybe she was busy. But why couldn't she pick up the phone? A whole stream of thoughts crossed my mind, and none seemed to justify my half hour spent waiting, plus the hour I spent doing nothing because I wanted to wait.

And it turns out she ended PW at 6.30pm, and couldn't pick up the phone as she was rushing work. Does it all seem justified to you?

You know, it does. You would agree. I had no right to get angry. Really. If anything, it was my choice to wait. She never agreed to anything. It was my initiative.

And you know what? Initiatives are one sided things. Reciprocated they make someone's day, unreciprocated and they tear your world apart. But at the end of the day, it is my fault. Definitely. No one could blame her as she never agreed to anything.

And at the end of it all, I waited, and all she had to say was, "It's okay."

Damn you it's not okay.

Why is there always a bloody price to give unreservedly? Yes, once again it risks getting hurt and being disappointed. But you have no one to blame but yourself, because you tried to. It was never an agreement.

And just yesterday I said I'd try to do so. I just can't take it. Seriously. I think this is killing me.

When everything's good, it's ever so smooth sailing, and you feel on top of the world. Yet when things go wrong, it never rains but pours. Why? I can't figure it out. I can't figure you out. Maybe I don't know myself. Maybe I'm not ready.

So many fears and insecurities at present. This is more than I can handle. And this is why I'll lift my eyes to You Lord. I'll let you take control. I guess I haven't really been doing that.

Into Your Hand
I commit again
With all I am
For You Lord

Psalm 139:24
"See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."