Just came back after 4 straight hours of pool. There was some gathering thing because Pastors Yat Wan and Angie came back from Australia for a visit. So it's basically the whole lot of my parents' generation people talking about their youth days. I didn't know the adults, so I played pool with Jonathan, Shan, and a few adults (much later though).
But something that struck me was how close they all seem to be, even though they are no longer youths living the carefree life. They all have individual lives and career paths, yet they still seem so close even though they rarely see each other. It's something I struggle to comprehend - how is it that their friendships last for that long? From personal experience, friends walk in and out of my life like it's some stupid hotel; they check out once they've had enough of what I had to offer. Someone prove me wrong on this.
Somehow, I don't see myself meeting up with the friends I have today when I'm 40-ish. Friendships and relationships are fleeting and transient. They do not last.
My recent pessimism stems from a recent reoccurance of a certain event that happened in the past. Sigh. I will not fall into depression.
I know when I cry out to God, everything can change. Yes - everything changed within 6 hours, actually less.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Of Memory and Desire
I feel drawn to the title, for certain reasons.
Let's try this one more time, just for old times...
Still caught in the web of confusion, and I'm lost. These few days have been mental tortune wearing me out; the walls of my brain are going to be thinner from the mental friction and soon my brain might just spill out. I certainly hope not though.
School ends tomorrow, with a much needed break before the exams start next Tuesday. And ironically I spent my evening looking for a blogskin such that I've only looked over half of China for History. I feel oh-so-accomplished.
Let's try this one more time, just for old times...
Still caught in the web of confusion, and I'm lost. These few days have been mental tortune wearing me out; the walls of my brain are going to be thinner from the mental friction and soon my brain might just spill out. I certainly hope not though.
School ends tomorrow, with a much needed break before the exams start next Tuesday. And ironically I spent my evening looking for a blogskin such that I've only looked over half of China for History. I feel oh-so-accomplished.
φιλία
One thing that modern society has taught me - if I lose anyone important, I can buy someone else.
This post is directed at a certain type of people - those who exploit others for monetary purposes. You know who you are. Certain people are just too nice to you, and you proceed to make them buy you the things you covet and lust after. Maybe once in a while, and it isn't all that bad (yeah right). But this happens so often you don't even feel a sense of shame in doing so. It's not like you're broke or anything, but you just simply are too materialistic in every sense of the word. Money is your god, and you need it so much. It's your everyday essential; your only goal is to evangelise to see the world realise how much of a queen you are of your belief.
It's really sad that you have no other purpose in life. Good-looking guys and a never-ending flow of crisp bills in your wallet are the only two goals you have in your life. You disgust me. Really. I don't apologise for this entry. Wake up. Re-think what on earth you intend to do, and question your own motives. Don't make me step in, or you'll regret it. I think our whole section can vouch for the fact that my words can destroy you and you'll remember the day you were utterly humiliated by me. So far only an arrogant punk has got that from me. If you wish to be the second, be my guest.
I do pray you'll snap out of your stupid frame of mind before I force you to. If you continue to persist in exploiting him, you'll pay for it.
In more pleasant matters, I need to start reading again. I haven't touched one in some time...
This post is directed at a certain type of people - those who exploit others for monetary purposes. You know who you are. Certain people are just too nice to you, and you proceed to make them buy you the things you covet and lust after. Maybe once in a while, and it isn't all that bad (yeah right). But this happens so often you don't even feel a sense of shame in doing so. It's not like you're broke or anything, but you just simply are too materialistic in every sense of the word. Money is your god, and you need it so much. It's your everyday essential; your only goal is to evangelise to see the world realise how much of a queen you are of your belief.
It's really sad that you have no other purpose in life. Good-looking guys and a never-ending flow of crisp bills in your wallet are the only two goals you have in your life. You disgust me. Really. I don't apologise for this entry. Wake up. Re-think what on earth you intend to do, and question your own motives. Don't make me step in, or you'll regret it. I think our whole section can vouch for the fact that my words can destroy you and you'll remember the day you were utterly humiliated by me. So far only an arrogant punk has got that from me. If you wish to be the second, be my guest.
I do pray you'll snap out of your stupid frame of mind before I force you to. If you continue to persist in exploiting him, you'll pay for it.
In more pleasant matters, I need to start reading again. I haven't touched one in some time...
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Race to the Finish
Hmm. I seem to have finished studying for my exams already. All (if not most) concepts have been covered. It's just a matter of going over them nearer to the exams I guess.
This week's going to be strenuous. I'm staying back everyday for something, be it projects or Science revision classes.
I'm starting to miss Track, seriously. It's like an outlet of release for me, be it my anger, frustration, disappointment, Track just gets it off my mind. It's the calming effect of running, and focusing on the finish, combined with the encouragement of the seniors that make you believe you can take on the world.
For once, subject combinations have left me worried. I wonder how I'd fare against the top of the IP cohort. Some crazy people mug day and night to get straight As, and it scares me. I don't have that determination, so to speak. I do realise grades are important, but I won't go to that extent I guess? Rather, I should be thankful I don't have to do that to get my As.
3 months and everything in between...
This week's going to be strenuous. I'm staying back everyday for something, be it projects or Science revision classes.
I'm starting to miss Track, seriously. It's like an outlet of release for me, be it my anger, frustration, disappointment, Track just gets it off my mind. It's the calming effect of running, and focusing on the finish, combined with the encouragement of the seniors that make you believe you can take on the world.
For once, subject combinations have left me worried. I wonder how I'd fare against the top of the IP cohort. Some crazy people mug day and night to get straight As, and it scares me. I don't have that determination, so to speak. I do realise grades are important, but I won't go to that extent I guess? Rather, I should be thankful I don't have to do that to get my As.
3 months and everything in between...
Monday, September 26, 2005
Clean Sweep
Hmm. My expected targets were surpassed in Term 3. Post Mortem for Lang Arts today, going over the Term 3 Test. It's the third subject for which I've topped the class. Scored a relatively good 66/100, considering half the cohort failed. Then again, I have personal goals to meet, and I've not hit my >70 target yet, sadly. For Language Arts, >70 is really high. But that's not going to be something that deters me.
But I guess I really have to thank God for His Favour in my life. I'm doing alright in school, and there's not much stress. I'm thankful for being 'gifted/smarter' than others. I grasp things easily, when others take a longer time to do so.
My thoughts are rather incoherent at present. Something hard just struck me (not literally). I seem to be falling back into that vicious cycle of getting saddened and annoyed at uncontrollable circumstances. Perhaps it's time to start letting go again, despite trying so hard to rebuild the walls of my life.
I think I need to move on. When will something ever be permanent?
But I guess I really have to thank God for His Favour in my life. I'm doing alright in school, and there's not much stress. I'm thankful for being 'gifted/smarter' than others. I grasp things easily, when others take a longer time to do so.
My thoughts are rather incoherent at present. Something hard just struck me (not literally). I seem to be falling back into that vicious cycle of getting saddened and annoyed at uncontrollable circumstances. Perhaps it's time to start letting go again, despite trying so hard to rebuild the walls of my life.
I think I need to move on. When will something ever be permanent?
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Dreams
I've been dreaming recently - everyday for the past week.
It's strange. I never used to dream much, save the occasional nightmare. This week has been rather pleasant I guess? Quite prepared for the exams, and I'm looking forward to the day they end and Track resumes.
I'm still quite surprised that someone knew something. Oh well... Doesn't matter, it's over. It's just...surprising. I shall keep my mouth shut now.
...and nobody needs to know.
It's strange. I never used to dream much, save the occasional nightmare. This week has been rather pleasant I guess? Quite prepared for the exams, and I'm looking forward to the day they end and Track resumes.
I'm still quite surprised that someone knew something. Oh well... Doesn't matter, it's over. It's just...surprising. I shall keep my mouth shut now.
...and nobody needs to know.
Lessons in the Classroom
Hmm. Term draws to a close to a month's time, perhaps a little more. Already, people are lamenting the fact that different subject combinations will take them away from each other, and that they'll miss each other, and you get the idea.
As for myself, I'm honestly at a loss. I don't know how I should take this. There are bonds in class, but they don't run too deep; I promised myself I'd not have any emotional attachments in school, they only serve to wear me down, and I'd focus more on my studies. Yet the bond within the guys of Class 1E, year 2005 runs deeper than I'd have liked to be.
Recent weeks spent on revision with Kenneth was something surprisingly enjoyable. In class, he's the only one that comes closests to matching my wit and intellect, with rare occasions surpassing mine. Yet strangely I don't view him as a competitor or challenger. It's strange, and I myself don't have an answer.
The rest of the times with Marcus, Varun, Eugene and (argh) Jonathan have been alright too.
Things will change, ultimately. And I don't know whether to give into the temptation to be real with my feelings or leave them on the shelf. I know I won't feel sad if I don't want to; I've mastered the ability to numb myself and become apathetic. That's the reason why many people view me as distant, cold, and not human, to a small extent.
Honestly, I don't want to face my emotions - the sadness of moving on - and let it affect me. I'd like to think I'm stronger than that, and that people will move on, so I should accept it. But I've proved myself wrong before. I cried when the Track seniors left. I cried inside when Chee Jian said it'll be the last practice we were going to have before they left.
But TJC Track & Field will mean more to me than 1E will ever. Track is something more. So much more. 1E is important, but Track still remains at the top. Alvin, Yong Qi, Yan Liang, Arvin, Yew Boon, Dennis - they'll mean more to me than any of the guys in 1E. It's a senior-junior thing. They've really been so encouraging over the year, and I'll really miss them next year when they leave.
Argh. I miss Track. Can't wait for the exams to be over so Track will resume. Granted I haven't been training regularly, but... Oh nevermind. That's another story...
As for myself, I'm honestly at a loss. I don't know how I should take this. There are bonds in class, but they don't run too deep; I promised myself I'd not have any emotional attachments in school, they only serve to wear me down, and I'd focus more on my studies. Yet the bond within the guys of Class 1E, year 2005 runs deeper than I'd have liked to be.
Recent weeks spent on revision with Kenneth was something surprisingly enjoyable. In class, he's the only one that comes closests to matching my wit and intellect, with rare occasions surpassing mine. Yet strangely I don't view him as a competitor or challenger. It's strange, and I myself don't have an answer.
The rest of the times with Marcus, Varun, Eugene and (argh) Jonathan have been alright too.
Things will change, ultimately. And I don't know whether to give into the temptation to be real with my feelings or leave them on the shelf. I know I won't feel sad if I don't want to; I've mastered the ability to numb myself and become apathetic. That's the reason why many people view me as distant, cold, and not human, to a small extent.
Honestly, I don't want to face my emotions - the sadness of moving on - and let it affect me. I'd like to think I'm stronger than that, and that people will move on, so I should accept it. But I've proved myself wrong before. I cried when the Track seniors left. I cried inside when Chee Jian said it'll be the last practice we were going to have before they left.
But TJC Track & Field will mean more to me than 1E will ever. Track is something more. So much more. 1E is important, but Track still remains at the top. Alvin, Yong Qi, Yan Liang, Arvin, Yew Boon, Dennis - they'll mean more to me than any of the guys in 1E. It's a senior-junior thing. They've really been so encouraging over the year, and I'll really miss them next year when they leave.
Argh. I miss Track. Can't wait for the exams to be over so Track will resume. Granted I haven't been training regularly, but... Oh nevermind. That's another story...
Streak
New changes, new district, new zones. It all begins next year.
Possibly none of my beloved section members realise it, but as the oldest (and supposedly more matured and whatnot) youth in the new zone next year, alot of things will change. People start looking up to those who they believe can guide and lead them.
Presently, I don't even feel this section deserves any form of respect. (That was harsh, but deal with it.) I'm going to be flamed and accused of only having my interests at heart when I prance around and have little escapades with the younger youths. Say what you will, I've had enough of "Isaac likes so-and-so" already. I snapped yesterday, when someone made a comment which was very much unwelcomed.
Our brilliant section, in my opinion, has not done much for anyone other than itself. Yes, cells are growing, people are feeling more welcome within the section, yet what have we done for the Ministry? Have we even been examples for those who look up to us?
Yeah, Isaac's insane and is too obsessed with personal glory and wanting to be remembered by people. If that's your stand, then really, grow up. It's more than just me. The present Sec4s have contributed alot, especially in the absence of the JC people who moved to YAS. They've been energetic, vibrant, making services more lively and all. What have we been doing while this is happening? Sitting in our little corner worrying about our own private issues, like "why does my crush have to move to YAS? I can't see him anymore."
Two words: Grow Up.
If this is a harsh wake up call, so be it. I won't apologise for telling the truth that needs to be heard. I think the LCell needs this. Really. The last year is coming, and there will be a chance to make one final impact before we leave. Are we going to let this chance pass us by? Will we see past ourselves and realise that there are people around us besides our friends and cliques?
If at the end of this, you're reading and you question, "why on earth should we as a section fulfill Isaac's goal and vision?" then really, don't. Hide behind your incredibly selfish and thick-skinned observation decks and do nothing. If you think nothing matters, and you don't care about this, then just watch. If you think the new vision is for anyone but you, then just watch.
Why I have this vision and goals set here? It's because I know what it feels like to have someone older to look up to, to guide you, and to pick you up when you're down. I know what it means to be there for them when they need me; to take their advice with a teachable spirit, and not feel like they're out to spoil my fun. I know how it feels to hurt when they're taken away, and the feeling of loss and helplessness that follows. I know how it feels to need someone to look up to; to respect and how you feel when they love you and pour their life out into you.
To Dre and Josh: this is for you, and how you've made my life what it is today. Thank you guys for everything.
This is the reason why I'm mentoring those younger than myself, those with the potential to grow and become great. It's not being elitist and selective - the adults can only do so much, and I do not want to let any of them miss out on being what God wants them to be. Adults can only play so little a part of your life outside church. That's where the people we look up to come in. What makes Andrew and Jared look up to me, is not because of any skill I have that is special, great and unique. It's instead the heart that wants to see them grow and mature; for them to become all that God wants them to be.
Possibly none of my beloved section members realise it, but as the oldest (and supposedly more matured and whatnot) youth in the new zone next year, alot of things will change. People start looking up to those who they believe can guide and lead them.
Presently, I don't even feel this section deserves any form of respect. (That was harsh, but deal with it.) I'm going to be flamed and accused of only having my interests at heart when I prance around and have little escapades with the younger youths. Say what you will, I've had enough of "Isaac likes so-and-so" already. I snapped yesterday, when someone made a comment which was very much unwelcomed.
Our brilliant section, in my opinion, has not done much for anyone other than itself. Yes, cells are growing, people are feeling more welcome within the section, yet what have we done for the Ministry? Have we even been examples for those who look up to us?
Yeah, Isaac's insane and is too obsessed with personal glory and wanting to be remembered by people. If that's your stand, then really, grow up. It's more than just me. The present Sec4s have contributed alot, especially in the absence of the JC people who moved to YAS. They've been energetic, vibrant, making services more lively and all. What have we been doing while this is happening? Sitting in our little corner worrying about our own private issues, like "why does my crush have to move to YAS? I can't see him anymore."
Two words: Grow Up.
If this is a harsh wake up call, so be it. I won't apologise for telling the truth that needs to be heard. I think the LCell needs this. Really. The last year is coming, and there will be a chance to make one final impact before we leave. Are we going to let this chance pass us by? Will we see past ourselves and realise that there are people around us besides our friends and cliques?
If at the end of this, you're reading and you question, "why on earth should we as a section fulfill Isaac's goal and vision?" then really, don't. Hide behind your incredibly selfish and thick-skinned observation decks and do nothing. If you think nothing matters, and you don't care about this, then just watch. If you think the new vision is for anyone but you, then just watch.
Why I have this vision and goals set here? It's because I know what it feels like to have someone older to look up to, to guide you, and to pick you up when you're down. I know what it means to be there for them when they need me; to take their advice with a teachable spirit, and not feel like they're out to spoil my fun. I know how it feels to hurt when they're taken away, and the feeling of loss and helplessness that follows. I know how it feels to need someone to look up to; to respect and how you feel when they love you and pour their life out into you.
To Dre and Josh: this is for you, and how you've made my life what it is today. Thank you guys for everything.
This is the reason why I'm mentoring those younger than myself, those with the potential to grow and become great. It's not being elitist and selective - the adults can only do so much, and I do not want to let any of them miss out on being what God wants them to be. Adults can only play so little a part of your life outside church. That's where the people we look up to come in. What makes Andrew and Jared look up to me, is not because of any skill I have that is special, great and unique. It's instead the heart that wants to see them grow and mature; for them to become all that God wants them to be.
Friday, September 23, 2005
Conflict Within
Here's a non-typical angsty teenage entry.
I'm this close to telling the truth. But will the truth hurt?
I still haven't fully exorcised the thoughts that haunt me; they still occasionally come back - stronger than ever before too.
Maybe it's time to sleep, there's swimming tomorrow.
Why can I have everything else in the world, but not you...
(That was not meant to be a possessive statement, but I don't suppose you'd understand. For starters, think 'everything', not 'everyone'.)
I'm this close to telling the truth. But will the truth hurt?
I still haven't fully exorcised the thoughts that haunt me; they still occasionally come back - stronger than ever before too.
Maybe it's time to sleep, there's swimming tomorrow.
Why can I have everything else in the world, but not you...
(That was not meant to be a possessive statement, but I don't suppose you'd understand. For starters, think 'everything', not 'everyone'.)
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Touch
I don't know if it's just me, or whether it's a collective happening, but I seem to be losing touch with all social forms of my life. Maybe it's paranoia, but I haven't been getting smses and no one's talking online, which is weird.
Perhaps it's the state of anxiety just before the exams when everyone seems to be studying with every spare second, cramming as much as they can into their brains.
I don't mean to be cynical here, but what are we studying for? At the end of the day, it's just another blotch of printed ink on a piece of paper. What does it tell you about yourself? Most importantly, what have you learnt? It's the reason why I do not mug; not because I think I'm too good, but it's the application that matters more. Sure, I memorise stuff, but I don't memorise page 26, line 17, word 7's definition.
I'm still dreading choosing subject combinations at the end of the term. I really don't know where to go. I guess I'll just have to pray and ask God, knowing that He has the best in mind for me.
Perhaps it's the state of anxiety just before the exams when everyone seems to be studying with every spare second, cramming as much as they can into their brains.
I don't mean to be cynical here, but what are we studying for? At the end of the day, it's just another blotch of printed ink on a piece of paper. What does it tell you about yourself? Most importantly, what have you learnt? It's the reason why I do not mug; not because I think I'm too good, but it's the application that matters more. Sure, I memorise stuff, but I don't memorise page 26, line 17, word 7's definition.
I'm still dreading choosing subject combinations at the end of the term. I really don't know where to go. I guess I'll just have to pray and ask God, knowing that He has the best in mind for me.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Conditional Love
There is no such thing as unconditional love, save from God.
I realised, once again, that upon loving others (note: others, not someone, so don't ask me stupid questions) I impose expectations in proportion to my time and effort spent with and on them. Even for friends, I guess the more I communicate with a person, the higher the expectation of the person to treasure and value the relationship like I do. But sadly, this is not always the case.
There will still be disagreements and conflict, but for what reason? People say that conflicts taste bitter, so that the next treasured moment tastes even sweeter and you enjoy it more. But then, aren't we living 'for the moment'? Are we just engaging in relationships to feel?
I know that at times I've been dwelling the past pleasant memories, hoping to rediscover them, but I know the chances of that happening are slim. It's all to do with changes - I've changed, and so have others. The essential 'chemistry' has been altered, and we now seek different things out of what we have.
And as much as I'd like to love, care and accept, it gets harder with each passing day as time brings about the winds of change. The bonds between us seem to strain, and it takes so much more each time to make things right.
It's so hard to love, maybe it's better letting go. Emotional attachment has always been one of my fears, even to my SBs. It happened once, and I'm content not to let it happen again. I'm not letting another one walk down that route because of my mistakes.
(This post should not make sense.)
I realised, once again, that upon loving others (note: others, not someone, so don't ask me stupid questions) I impose expectations in proportion to my time and effort spent with and on them. Even for friends, I guess the more I communicate with a person, the higher the expectation of the person to treasure and value the relationship like I do. But sadly, this is not always the case.
There will still be disagreements and conflict, but for what reason? People say that conflicts taste bitter, so that the next treasured moment tastes even sweeter and you enjoy it more. But then, aren't we living 'for the moment'? Are we just engaging in relationships to feel?
I know that at times I've been dwelling the past pleasant memories, hoping to rediscover them, but I know the chances of that happening are slim. It's all to do with changes - I've changed, and so have others. The essential 'chemistry' has been altered, and we now seek different things out of what we have.
And as much as I'd like to love, care and accept, it gets harder with each passing day as time brings about the winds of change. The bonds between us seem to strain, and it takes so much more each time to make things right.
It's so hard to love, maybe it's better letting go. Emotional attachment has always been one of my fears, even to my SBs. It happened once, and I'm content not to let it happen again. I'm not letting another one walk down that route because of my mistakes.
(This post should not make sense.)
Slackening
I feel terribly unprepared for the promos. Granted that I'm done with Geog, Math, Chem and Physics, I still have History, Lang Arts, and Bio to go. Those are the 'content-heavy' subjects which require alot of memorisation, which is not a non-mugger's forte.
And I just realised there's a Social Studies class test/assignment tomorrow. Goodness. I'm not even prepared!
My days seem gloomier and darker as time progresses. Perhaps a change in fortune awaits come the weekend? I'm looking forward to it, although it's definite that I'll be clearing at least a subject or two by the end of Sunday.
And I just realised there's a Social Studies class test/assignment tomorrow. Goodness. I'm not even prepared!
My days seem gloomier and darker as time progresses. Perhaps a change in fortune awaits come the weekend? I'm looking forward to it, although it's definite that I'll be clearing at least a subject or two by the end of Sunday.
Monday, September 19, 2005
This is How a Heart Breaks
Yes, someone just broke my heart. Not in any aspect of any romantic sense, so don't get ideas. (I do know the world is full of strange creatures whose thought patterns differ greatly from mine.)
I think it's unknowingly, not deliberate, that the person did it, but still, it does hurt. It's totally unexpected and all that. I admit, I did expect better - alot better.
Then again, it's the human condition to shatter one's expectations of another; that probably gave that person the right to disappoint me.
I seem to press on with blind faith as I continue to trust the person, yet, it's getting harder to. It's just tearing me apart.
I think it's unknowingly, not deliberate, that the person did it, but still, it does hurt. It's totally unexpected and all that. I admit, I did expect better - alot better.
Then again, it's the human condition to shatter one's expectations of another; that probably gave that person the right to disappoint me.
I seem to press on with blind faith as I continue to trust the person, yet, it's getting harder to. It's just tearing me apart.
Saddened
I am greatly saddened, as I was telling Charmaine yesterday.
It greatly frustrates and saddens me when people in life walk past without looking up, and they move on just like that. To them, you're just another in the sea of faces; insignificant, nothing.
It is really sad, when the things you once told people, wanting them to change for the better, fall on deaf ears, and they turn away from you now. The changes are hard to accept, in all reality. I'm not concerned about the change, I'm concerned about the reason behind it.
The whole idea of a leader... Is it that hard? Or am I just merely going through the motions without imparting anything to those who play(ed) a part in my life thus far? Deep down, I feel responsible for what happened, yet knowing that I can't blame myself; I know I did have a part to play, a part that could have changed things.
I shall try to seek comfort in the fact that people, hopefully, still have friends capable of guiding them where I fell short...
It greatly frustrates and saddens me when people in life walk past without looking up, and they move on just like that. To them, you're just another in the sea of faces; insignificant, nothing.
It is really sad, when the things you once told people, wanting them to change for the better, fall on deaf ears, and they turn away from you now. The changes are hard to accept, in all reality. I'm not concerned about the change, I'm concerned about the reason behind it.
The whole idea of a leader... Is it that hard? Or am I just merely going through the motions without imparting anything to those who play(ed) a part in my life thus far? Deep down, I feel responsible for what happened, yet knowing that I can't blame myself; I know I did have a part to play, a part that could have changed things.
I shall try to seek comfort in the fact that people, hopefully, still have friends capable of guiding them where I fell short...
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Pathways
Had an interesting chat with Brian on the way home yesterday.
And honestly, as much as I would like to return, I don't think I will. But something he shared struck me - that He calls people who are not prepared, and did not expect to return either. I mean, I see the potential in this generation to rise up and all, and I think I'm doing what I can now to make them fulfill it. By returning, hopefully there's a chance that more people will get impacted, and this generation would make a difference, like it's called to.
The calling to lead the blind amongst us is rather hard, especially when it's to take them into unknown territory, even for yourself. But I know God will guide my eyes, and guide my feet, such that I will not fall, for my feet are on solid ground.
Just let Your Will be done.
And honestly, as much as I would like to return, I don't think I will. But something he shared struck me - that He calls people who are not prepared, and did not expect to return either. I mean, I see the potential in this generation to rise up and all, and I think I'm doing what I can now to make them fulfill it. By returning, hopefully there's a chance that more people will get impacted, and this generation would make a difference, like it's called to.
The calling to lead the blind amongst us is rather hard, especially when it's to take them into unknown territory, even for yourself. But I know God will guide my eyes, and guide my feet, such that I will not fall, for my feet are on solid ground.
Just let Your Will be done.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Signifier - Signified
Caught up in Fantasy once again. I've been reading lately, and I've stumbled across something very interesting - that there is no real personification of perennial themes, like good and evil. I bet it doesn't make sense to most, but too bad.
It's like, people possess characteristics, but there is no one defining one that lives in them. Take it this way, a fat person that eats alot can be a glutton, but he is not gluttony personified. Similarly, heroes and villains are good and evil, supposedly, but they are never the characteristic personified.
And us being creatures of empathy that learn from experiences, how do we know then, how these characteristics exist or of their occurance? I mean, we base descriptors upon ourselves, for example, creatures with four legs are not like us, therefore we brand them something else. It all stems from the human condition and branches out from there. But if we are not characteristics personified, how do we know they exist? More importantly, how do we know the true, pure unadulterated form of it?
Take for example, villains are supposed to be bad and evil, ruthless and merciless, etc... But a saying goes nothing is complete without the antithesis that brings it out. Stereotypically, good is good and bad is bad. But to bring out the good in the hero, or the badness of the villain, there is a slight hint of the antithesis within them. The characters then suppress and conquer the antithesis and become more good or evil, but the antithesis lives on. Therefore, there is good in all evil, and vice versa, thus it cannot be pure and unadulterated. If so, how do we know it exists? How do we define it?
What is more intriguing is how we describe ourselves. We can only go to a certain extent of it. If someone says he is musically gifted, how does one measure that? Where is the yardstick? What are the extremes by which he falls between?
What are we made of?
It's like, people possess characteristics, but there is no one defining one that lives in them. Take it this way, a fat person that eats alot can be a glutton, but he is not gluttony personified. Similarly, heroes and villains are good and evil, supposedly, but they are never the characteristic personified.
And us being creatures of empathy that learn from experiences, how do we know then, how these characteristics exist or of their occurance? I mean, we base descriptors upon ourselves, for example, creatures with four legs are not like us, therefore we brand them something else. It all stems from the human condition and branches out from there. But if we are not characteristics personified, how do we know they exist? More importantly, how do we know the true, pure unadulterated form of it?
Take for example, villains are supposed to be bad and evil, ruthless and merciless, etc... But a saying goes nothing is complete without the antithesis that brings it out. Stereotypically, good is good and bad is bad. But to bring out the good in the hero, or the badness of the villain, there is a slight hint of the antithesis within them. The characters then suppress and conquer the antithesis and become more good or evil, but the antithesis lives on. Therefore, there is good in all evil, and vice versa, thus it cannot be pure and unadulterated. If so, how do we know it exists? How do we define it?
What is more intriguing is how we describe ourselves. We can only go to a certain extent of it. If someone says he is musically gifted, how does one measure that? Where is the yardstick? What are the extremes by which he falls between?
What are we made of?
Short Weekend
It's Friday.
I have like, only half a day to study this weekend thanks to LCE. I'm done with Maths, intend to finish Geog by this weekend. On to Science and History next week.
I have like, only half a day to study this weekend thanks to LCE. I'm done with Maths, intend to finish Geog by this weekend. On to Science and History next week.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Mind-Mapping
Sorted out everything, and the files are laid neatly (somewhat) below my study table.
Here's what there is (left) to study:
-Geog Term 2
-History Terms 1, 2, 3
-Language Arts Terms 1, 2 (Merchant of Venice)
-All of Bio, Chem, Physics
-Maths Term 1
Note that Chinese is not on the list. It's all non-curricular, so it's not in the plan. Just hope I do well I guess? How on earth do you prepare for a comprehension and cloze, aside from reading more newspaper articles (according to the teacher).
History seems daunting, so are the Sciences. I'm still torn between Double Humanities + Double Science or Triple Science + One Humanities Subject. Of course there's the compulsory subjects - Lang Arts, Chinese, Maths, Social Studies. Of course there is the option of doing just 7 subjects, but it's not for someone of my calibre. I'd feel cheated.
I miss track practice...
Here's what there is (left) to study:
-Geog Term 2
-History Terms 1, 2, 3
-Language Arts Terms 1, 2 (Merchant of Venice)
-All of Bio, Chem, Physics
-Maths Term 1
Note that Chinese is not on the list. It's all non-curricular, so it's not in the plan. Just hope I do well I guess? How on earth do you prepare for a comprehension and cloze, aside from reading more newspaper articles (according to the teacher).
History seems daunting, so are the Sciences. I'm still torn between Double Humanities + Double Science or Triple Science + One Humanities Subject. Of course there's the compulsory subjects - Lang Arts, Chinese, Maths, Social Studies. Of course there is the option of doing just 7 subjects, but it's not for someone of my calibre. I'd feel cheated.
I miss track practice...
Three Bites at the Cherry
More Term 3 results are out. I must say I'm rather pleased so far with how I've done, save Math, which I failed. (How one drops from top to bottom in class is a wonder...)
Got back my History marks today. 27/30 - topped the cohort. Brilliant. In addition, it's the third successive term that I've topped the class for History. It seems to be my forte, for reasons unknown. It's not so much liking what's being taught about Hitler, Mao and whoever else. It's more due to my writing skills which are better than my peers, notwithstanding my knowledge and understanding of the topic at hand.
There's swimming tomorrow. The not-so-good start to the end of the week. And there's LCE this weekend. Not good timing, I'd honestly want to spend my afternoon going through my work. Oh well...
Got back my History marks today. 27/30 - topped the cohort. Brilliant. In addition, it's the third successive term that I've topped the class for History. It seems to be my forte, for reasons unknown. It's not so much liking what's being taught about Hitler, Mao and whoever else. It's more due to my writing skills which are better than my peers, notwithstanding my knowledge and understanding of the topic at hand.
There's swimming tomorrow. The not-so-good start to the end of the week. And there's LCE this weekend. Not good timing, I'd honestly want to spend my afternoon going through my work. Oh well...
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Words
It's amazing how much a single word can tell us.
Some small word can make the difference; can set that difference in tone; can speak the million words that one wants to say. It speaks of the hurt, the anguish, the hatred, the pain, the happiness once lived, the joys shared, the moments recollected, and everything in between.
It's that one word that haunts me, the one I always hated saying as a child. But now, I think it will make everything alright, at least for awhile...
Sorry.
Some small word can make the difference; can set that difference in tone; can speak the million words that one wants to say. It speaks of the hurt, the anguish, the hatred, the pain, the happiness once lived, the joys shared, the moments recollected, and everything in between.
It's that one word that haunts me, the one I always hated saying as a child. But now, I think it will make everything alright, at least for awhile...
Sorry.
(De)Constructing the Self
Something Marcus said struck me today as I was helping Jane with Math.
"Wow. You got genius teaching you math ah. Not bad." (Quote and unquote, the grammar mistakes aren't mine.)
Is that what people perceive me as? Some intelligent life form who knows all that much? Or perhaps some crazy mugging student? I personally do not believe I am so. I may be blessed, but it's all because of God.
Yet I can't help but wonder yet again... What am I? Who am I? The focus now being more on the former though. What makes me who I am? I know God is a major determining factor, yet, others have God, so what makes me different? What characteristics and personalities do I have that set me apart, and why?
But from all these questions that surround me, I know one thing: that without God, I will be nothing. Like I told Andrew last night, pride is the illusion that makes Man think he is near God, or on the same pedestal, but when really, we aren't.
Oh, and something that happened after school made me extremely high. I shall not say what. Go figure. I think Twin should know. Heh.
"Wow. You got genius teaching you math ah. Not bad." (Quote and unquote, the grammar mistakes aren't mine.)
Is that what people perceive me as? Some intelligent life form who knows all that much? Or perhaps some crazy mugging student? I personally do not believe I am so. I may be blessed, but it's all because of God.
Yet I can't help but wonder yet again... What am I? Who am I? The focus now being more on the former though. What makes me who I am? I know God is a major determining factor, yet, others have God, so what makes me different? What characteristics and personalities do I have that set me apart, and why?
But from all these questions that surround me, I know one thing: that without God, I will be nothing. Like I told Andrew last night, pride is the illusion that makes Man think he is near God, or on the same pedestal, but when really, we aren't.
Oh, and something that happened after school made me extremely high. I shall not say what. Go figure. I think Twin should know. Heh.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Term Re-opens
Breezed through lessons rather easily today. Double periods of Language Arts, Math, and Geography were not enough to make me feel stressed on my return to school, and that's good.
It's another 3 weeks to the exams. I've already started studying, and I've gotten back some tests from last term. Topped the class for Geography last term, surprisingly I might add. The teacher obviously dislikes me, and she marks me down alot for presentations and assignments, but hey, I aced the Geography term test with 37/40. That's pretty decent in my opinion, so I'm not complaining.
Term 4 means no more land PE! It's swimming. I don't like swimming. Firstly, I never know when I might get another asthma attack. It happened during the swimming trials in Term 1. Next, I don't have some swimmer's body to show off, so I'm not comfortable with being half-naked for 45minutes. What if people discover I'm fat! That would be the end of the world!
Just came back from visiting Rachel at the hospital. She seemed pretty alright to me. Yeah. 4 days without school for her. How...convenient. And they serve decent hospital food. Hmm. I want to get hospitalised too! (Yeah right...)
It's another 3 weeks to the exams. I've already started studying, and I've gotten back some tests from last term. Topped the class for Geography last term, surprisingly I might add. The teacher obviously dislikes me, and she marks me down alot for presentations and assignments, but hey, I aced the Geography term test with 37/40. That's pretty decent in my opinion, so I'm not complaining.
Term 4 means no more land PE! It's swimming. I don't like swimming. Firstly, I never know when I might get another asthma attack. It happened during the swimming trials in Term 1. Next, I don't have some swimmer's body to show off, so I'm not comfortable with being half-naked for 45minutes. What if people discover I'm fat! That would be the end of the world!
Just came back from visiting Rachel at the hospital. She seemed pretty alright to me. Yeah. 4 days without school for her. How...convenient. And they serve decent hospital food. Hmm. I want to get hospitalised too! (Yeah right...)
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Sun-day
The sun shines bright today.
I had a rather eventful Saturday, especially with church and all. I must say the company at Macs really made my day. And it wasn't the usual people; it was because of others. Special thanks goes out to Fabian and Darryl from my cell. The dinner with them was really good. Just a short time of talking, but to see them open up from what they started off last year, really made me glad. One reason is that I know I'm doing good as a cell leader, and I must thank God for that. Another thing is that they're changing, and I know that God will continue to use them, and raise them up to a new level in Him. I can already see that change in them, and I truly believe this is a generation of DESTINY.
And not forgetting, little Eugene Teo and our little stroll around Serene discussing rather weird issues. Well, it was enjoyable really. And yesterday, God just showed me the amount of lives I could impact if I stepped out of where I was. I mean, the vast connections have already been made; all that's left is to step time nurturing them. Yes, time will be the key issue - where on earth can I squeeze out time with the exams around the corner? But I'm not rushing. I'll let Him lead on this renewed calling.
Something Dre said yesterday scared me. It's another similarity established. Granted, our church is quite a prophetic one, moving in that area. But how many youths are gifted in that area? And of all people, why that person? I know my destiny lies down that road, and I always thought it would be just me. And Dre used to say that certain people in life were placed there for a reason. Maybe I'm not walking this alone. But if it's so, then...there are other struggles to face; even greater ones than the present.
But I know I can take on the world with You by my side!
I had a rather eventful Saturday, especially with church and all. I must say the company at Macs really made my day. And it wasn't the usual people; it was because of others. Special thanks goes out to Fabian and Darryl from my cell. The dinner with them was really good. Just a short time of talking, but to see them open up from what they started off last year, really made me glad. One reason is that I know I'm doing good as a cell leader, and I must thank God for that. Another thing is that they're changing, and I know that God will continue to use them, and raise them up to a new level in Him. I can already see that change in them, and I truly believe this is a generation of DESTINY.
And not forgetting, little Eugene Teo and our little stroll around Serene discussing rather weird issues. Well, it was enjoyable really. And yesterday, God just showed me the amount of lives I could impact if I stepped out of where I was. I mean, the vast connections have already been made; all that's left is to step time nurturing them. Yes, time will be the key issue - where on earth can I squeeze out time with the exams around the corner? But I'm not rushing. I'll let Him lead on this renewed calling.
Something Dre said yesterday scared me. It's another similarity established. Granted, our church is quite a prophetic one, moving in that area. But how many youths are gifted in that area? And of all people, why that person? I know my destiny lies down that road, and I always thought it would be just me. And Dre used to say that certain people in life were placed there for a reason. Maybe I'm not walking this alone. But if it's so, then...there are other struggles to face; even greater ones than the present.
But I know I can take on the world with You by my side!
Friday, September 09, 2005
Sun, Sky, Sea
Hmm. Day out at the beach yesterday at Sentosa. Enjoyed the company there; enjoyed the company of the lapping waves even more. Did I mention that the rhythmic patterns of waves lapping the shore is really soothing and it's perfect for thinking.
Spent most of the time floating around undisturbed in silent reverie, save Andrew's occasional attempts to submerge and kill me. It was really a time of serenity; one much needed and deserved.
Honestly, I felt too caught up yesterday, doing something which was utterly pointless and redundant.
After dinner, we went to Jeann's place, and Andre, of all people, had to go too. As usual, I was tormented by his (and Joshua Hui's) constant...persuasions (yeah right). I still don't see why! It's...not what I want. Granted you all make it out to be so 'attractive' (pun intended), but still I had enough of this already.
I know I'm slowly letting go of what has been haunting me. When I let go entirely, what happens then? Do I 'move on with life'? Can I move on with life? Like Frodo aptly puts it, there are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep; that have taken hold. Four years since Weathertop, and he feels the pain. I've not even come to four months. But I shall try to forget everything, and move on...
Spent most of the time floating around undisturbed in silent reverie, save Andrew's occasional attempts to submerge and kill me. It was really a time of serenity; one much needed and deserved.
Honestly, I felt too caught up yesterday, doing something which was utterly pointless and redundant.
After dinner, we went to Jeann's place, and Andre, of all people, had to go too. As usual, I was tormented by his (and Joshua Hui's) constant...persuasions (yeah right). I still don't see why! It's...not what I want. Granted you all make it out to be so 'attractive' (pun intended), but still I had enough of this already.
I know I'm slowly letting go of what has been haunting me. When I let go entirely, what happens then? Do I 'move on with life'? Can I move on with life? Like Frodo aptly puts it, there are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep; that have taken hold. Four years since Weathertop, and he feels the pain. I've not even come to four months. But I shall try to forget everything, and move on...
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Island Life
Going to Sentosa in less than an hour.
Let the holiday highlights begin!
Sadly, I don't think they have sailing at Sentosa. Everyone's probably going to go cycling and abandon me. Thank goodness I have my handphone and other gadgets. What would I do without them?
Let the holiday highlights begin!
Sadly, I don't think they have sailing at Sentosa. Everyone's probably going to go cycling and abandon me. Thank goodness I have my handphone and other gadgets. What would I do without them?
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Autoreflexivity
Just watched Return of the King, again. And once again I'm left in awe of the transcendental connections that bonded the Fellowship together, ever since they set forth from Rivendell. It made my heart cry when Frodo had the leave the Shire, along with Samwise, Pippen and Merry, and sail away from the habour at Rivendell.
It was where it all started out; the great and perilous journey to Mordor to destroy the Ring, and it comes back and ends there.
There's still room for more, or so Frodo tells Samwise. And it makes me ponder upon my life. Certain issues and questions that are starting to frustrate.
"Your part in the story continues... Do not always be torn in two..." And it's true. After one episode of my life, I think it's over, and that's it. But despite what has happened, life goes on, and my part in this story continues...
Turn the page, write the words to begin a new chapter of life, and leave the past behind. I think I've just begun to realise, that there is no going back to pick up the threads of an old life
I just hope, that as one door closes, another will open. It's time to leave, without taking anything, and move on; for I have always been the wanderer.
It was where it all started out; the great and perilous journey to Mordor to destroy the Ring, and it comes back and ends there.
There's still room for more, or so Frodo tells Samwise. And it makes me ponder upon my life. Certain issues and questions that are starting to frustrate.
"Your part in the story continues... Do not always be torn in two..." And it's true. After one episode of my life, I think it's over, and that's it. But despite what has happened, life goes on, and my part in this story continues...
Turn the page, write the words to begin a new chapter of life, and leave the past behind. I think I've just begun to realise, that there is no going back to pick up the threads of an old life
I just hope, that as one door closes, another will open. It's time to leave, without taking anything, and move on; for I have always been the wanderer.
Darkness Falls
A night over at Mark's place. It's the first time in a long while I've been left to myself, without any distractions. I'm at the balcony, enjoying the cool wind of the night and typing this through wireless. Technological wonders... We enjoy them, but we never question how or why they work.
It seems like I've shut out many people from my life, such that I'm beginning to feel something I thought I'd never feel again - loneliness. It's not a desperate situation, as many would like to think. It's just the feeling of needing to depend on someone, but you can't find anyone around you that you can trust. The intrinsic reasons for this is that I don't want to trust, simply put.
But I have to live with the fact that my present state goes against certain 'gifts' that people claim I have, like the inherent nature of drawing others unto myself. There has always been that attraction that, in the words of Bronson, "makes other want to be [my] friend." But the value of company is no longer treasured, instead, we look to other means for our search to fill our lives.
Just caught snippets of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, and I really envy that friendship that Samwise and Frodo have. "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you." They seem to be the ideal personification of friendship - that which is so coveted after. Samwise, time after time, was misunderstood by Frodo, but his love for him kept him by his side, even later to rescue him from Shelob and the Orcs, despite Frodo asking Samwise to leave and go home as he was misled by Gollum. It's just so touching...
Fine, I admit, I'm being an escapist, yearning for the an alternate reality, and wanting that Old World Order. I live in Fantasy, and I want good to triumph over evil, and to live in the time where friendship and kinship reigned, and the hand of forgiveness could be extended, despite irreparable circumstances. I want to end the adventure on a high, and wake up the next day, searching, wandering, and finding and discovering more about this world, its people, and marvel at the lands of the earth. But this is not Middle-Earth. Surrounded by a concrete jungle of buildings made up of the cold steel that makes the heart of many in this age, it's hard to marvel at anything. Values of the Old World are gone, and nothing is at face-value. Now we have to read between the lines and figure out hidden meanings. No one is open, frank, and honest. Instead, we live in lies and deceit, caught in a web of deception, all without knowing it.
It seems like I've shut out many people from my life, such that I'm beginning to feel something I thought I'd never feel again - loneliness. It's not a desperate situation, as many would like to think. It's just the feeling of needing to depend on someone, but you can't find anyone around you that you can trust. The intrinsic reasons for this is that I don't want to trust, simply put.
But I have to live with the fact that my present state goes against certain 'gifts' that people claim I have, like the inherent nature of drawing others unto myself. There has always been that attraction that, in the words of Bronson, "makes other want to be [my] friend." But the value of company is no longer treasured, instead, we look to other means for our search to fill our lives.
Just caught snippets of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, and I really envy that friendship that Samwise and Frodo have. "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you." They seem to be the ideal personification of friendship - that which is so coveted after. Samwise, time after time, was misunderstood by Frodo, but his love for him kept him by his side, even later to rescue him from Shelob and the Orcs, despite Frodo asking Samwise to leave and go home as he was misled by Gollum. It's just so touching...
Fine, I admit, I'm being an escapist, yearning for the an alternate reality, and wanting that Old World Order. I live in Fantasy, and I want good to triumph over evil, and to live in the time where friendship and kinship reigned, and the hand of forgiveness could be extended, despite irreparable circumstances. I want to end the adventure on a high, and wake up the next day, searching, wandering, and finding and discovering more about this world, its people, and marvel at the lands of the earth. But this is not Middle-Earth. Surrounded by a concrete jungle of buildings made up of the cold steel that makes the heart of many in this age, it's hard to marvel at anything. Values of the Old World are gone, and nothing is at face-value. Now we have to read between the lines and figure out hidden meanings. No one is open, frank, and honest. Instead, we live in lies and deceit, caught in a web of deception, all without knowing it.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Hanging in the Balance
I seem to agree with a certain belief that everything is in a state of balance, and that for everything, there is an antithesis. The subject and its antithesis must, ironically, co-exist harmoniously and maintain that balance, in which you give some and you lose some. It is only because of the antithesis or the other, that they can exist and work.
Such a delicate balance can be seen in Nature, in our ecosystem, where every single thread of life is so fragile that an entire species could be wiped out of existence in a moment of Man's folly. The balance must be maintained.
But what happens when the balance is shifted, tilted to the side? That is where things start to crumble, albeit how much destruction is caused is proportional to how much the scale has been tilted and the balance lost. Things start falling out of place, the world around that surrounds becomes a maelstrom of chaos, and it seems that someone has opened Pandora's Box and unleashed its vices on our lives.
But that person is ourselves. Only we have the power to make the decisions, the choices that alter the balance that keeps the harmony. As long as we do not break the status quo, nothing changes, we remain perfectly happy and enjoy our lives. Then why do changes occur? Changes occur because of discontentment - the belief that the grass is greener on the other side. And society has become so intertwined that one decision to breakaway will affect many more. Change is not a course of Nature; it is a route taken by a single decision of a single person. (Broaden and link it to parallel universes, and see the diversity of Otherworlds created.)
Maybe in another world, my life would be perfect. This creates the possiblility of a perfect ideal world, if all the choices are right. Barring Hobson's choice, and all complexity, there will be a perfect world, but it is a one in an infinite chance that we live in it.
That's why with all our choices, we can only come so close to perfection, but never reach it. Perfection exists in a state of 'choicelessness'. When a renegade breaks out of this, we get imperfection. Haven't we seen this already? Adam and Eve; the apple; Eden; the fall of Man. That choice, and that sin, through which we have been made imperfect.
Are there any vancancies for future philosophers? I highly doubt so. Therefore, I shall go find something better to spend my time on.
Such a delicate balance can be seen in Nature, in our ecosystem, where every single thread of life is so fragile that an entire species could be wiped out of existence in a moment of Man's folly. The balance must be maintained.
But what happens when the balance is shifted, tilted to the side? That is where things start to crumble, albeit how much destruction is caused is proportional to how much the scale has been tilted and the balance lost. Things start falling out of place, the world around that surrounds becomes a maelstrom of chaos, and it seems that someone has opened Pandora's Box and unleashed its vices on our lives.
But that person is ourselves. Only we have the power to make the decisions, the choices that alter the balance that keeps the harmony. As long as we do not break the status quo, nothing changes, we remain perfectly happy and enjoy our lives. Then why do changes occur? Changes occur because of discontentment - the belief that the grass is greener on the other side. And society has become so intertwined that one decision to breakaway will affect many more. Change is not a course of Nature; it is a route taken by a single decision of a single person. (Broaden and link it to parallel universes, and see the diversity of Otherworlds created.)
Maybe in another world, my life would be perfect. This creates the possiblility of a perfect ideal world, if all the choices are right. Barring Hobson's choice, and all complexity, there will be a perfect world, but it is a one in an infinite chance that we live in it.
That's why with all our choices, we can only come so close to perfection, but never reach it. Perfection exists in a state of 'choicelessness'. When a renegade breaks out of this, we get imperfection. Haven't we seen this already? Adam and Eve; the apple; Eden; the fall of Man. That choice, and that sin, through which we have been made imperfect.
Are there any vancancies for future philosophers? I highly doubt so. Therefore, I shall go find something better to spend my time on.
Hi and Goodbye
I guess I've shaken off my naive belief that friendships last forever. They don't. But it doesn't mean they aren't important. You take them with you as long as you can till such time that time or circumstance prompts you to move on. That friendship has served its purpose in your life and it is time to move on.
Words of familiarity? Perhaps...
Indeed, I find it so. After a much needed talk on the phone with Charmaine, once again the realisation struck me - that there is a season for everything. (Haha. Ecc 3) Seasons will ultimately change, and the winds of time sweep away the old, and bring in the new. Time waits for no man, and it will bring about the uncertainty of change, regardless of whether we are prepared or otherwise. Therein lies the problem: we have to deal and cope with the present change, which is part of a present reality. Yet at the back of our minds, are we all that comfortable and willing to let go of what has been? Some will freely let go of everything bad that has happened. But for myself, I choose to hold on to what was good, and what I hope still is.
I won't throw in the towel, regardless of what happened last night. I'm still believing. Why I choose to defy all rational thinking bemuses me. Some people are the kind to follow their reasoning, and they are the ones that lay out the plan before charging into battle to rescue their friend. Others are the distinct opposite. They charge in based on adrenaline; hoping that the inner courage to save their friends will possess them with a superhuman strength to hack and destroy all that is thrown at them. Somehow, I feel like I'm both of these fused together, yet they are the antithesis of the other, and it's hard to imagine the co-existence of both in the same medium. But someone once told me, that darkness can only exist when there's light. (Yeah yeah, evil brings out the goodness in people.)
"Only in the midst of adversity, do men rise up with nobility." -Gabriel, Constantine.
I shall let this experience be one that brings out the best in me. People close have always told me, that I was a fighter; that no matter what comes my way, I'll still be left standing after the onslaught. Indeed, after being through so much, I realise I have much to be thankful for. But I shall start with the simplest of all: that I am alive.
Words of familiarity? Perhaps...
Indeed, I find it so. After a much needed talk on the phone with Charmaine, once again the realisation struck me - that there is a season for everything. (Haha. Ecc 3) Seasons will ultimately change, and the winds of time sweep away the old, and bring in the new. Time waits for no man, and it will bring about the uncertainty of change, regardless of whether we are prepared or otherwise. Therein lies the problem: we have to deal and cope with the present change, which is part of a present reality. Yet at the back of our minds, are we all that comfortable and willing to let go of what has been? Some will freely let go of everything bad that has happened. But for myself, I choose to hold on to what was good, and what I hope still is.
I won't throw in the towel, regardless of what happened last night. I'm still believing. Why I choose to defy all rational thinking bemuses me. Some people are the kind to follow their reasoning, and they are the ones that lay out the plan before charging into battle to rescue their friend. Others are the distinct opposite. They charge in based on adrenaline; hoping that the inner courage to save their friends will possess them with a superhuman strength to hack and destroy all that is thrown at them. Somehow, I feel like I'm both of these fused together, yet they are the antithesis of the other, and it's hard to imagine the co-existence of both in the same medium. But someone once told me, that darkness can only exist when there's light. (Yeah yeah, evil brings out the goodness in people.)
"Only in the midst of adversity, do men rise up with nobility." -Gabriel, Constantine.
I shall let this experience be one that brings out the best in me. People close have always told me, that I was a fighter; that no matter what comes my way, I'll still be left standing after the onslaught. Indeed, after being through so much, I realise I have much to be thankful for. But I shall start with the simplest of all: that I am alive.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Bridging
Section outing today. Supposed to meet the LCell to run in the morning, but it had to rain. So we went to Jessie's place, changed, and went shopping for groceries.
Went back to her place, cooked the stuff, waited for people to arrive. I must say the gel and glorify was not bad; well planned, I might add.
Time of singing stupid secular songs, which I did not play a part in. Was too enveloped in my own thoughts... Thoughts of a distant place, not too far away. (Yeah right.) Still holding on I guess. I need to let go. I don't want to let go. God, help... I'm just afraid to let You have Your Way in my life now. I still can't totally surrender everything. I'm glad I stopped running away from Your Calling in my life, but still, there are always other issues.
I'm glad certain people asked if I was okay. And I'm sorry if I was cold towards certain people today, I'm just rather out of sorts. Ended up physically, emotionally, and mentally drained after 7pm, although I did have a nice chat with Christal. Haven't talked to her in awhile. Ex-classmates, and now we're not even as close as many others are. Strange, but I'm not going to bother asking myself why.
I'm not for relationships. I'm not for marriages. I'm scared. Honestly. Perhaps it's a little like what Bronson said - rejection. But I still think it's largely due to the fear of commitment. I don't foresee myself spending the next half of my life with someone else, and sticking to that. I don't think I'm that capable of living with decisions, especially when I have to change my gadgets every now and then. What more about relationships then?
Deep down, I know I haven't resolved anything yet, but I'll try, and let God. The brokeness hit me especially hard these two days, but I daresay I'm taking it alright. If this happened two months back, I'd have been dead already, and in a much worse state.
Went back to her place, cooked the stuff, waited for people to arrive. I must say the gel and glorify was not bad; well planned, I might add.
Time of singing stupid secular songs, which I did not play a part in. Was too enveloped in my own thoughts... Thoughts of a distant place, not too far away. (Yeah right.) Still holding on I guess. I need to let go. I don't want to let go. God, help... I'm just afraid to let You have Your Way in my life now. I still can't totally surrender everything. I'm glad I stopped running away from Your Calling in my life, but still, there are always other issues.
I'm glad certain people asked if I was okay. And I'm sorry if I was cold towards certain people today, I'm just rather out of sorts. Ended up physically, emotionally, and mentally drained after 7pm, although I did have a nice chat with Christal. Haven't talked to her in awhile. Ex-classmates, and now we're not even as close as many others are. Strange, but I'm not going to bother asking myself why.
I'm not for relationships. I'm not for marriages. I'm scared. Honestly. Perhaps it's a little like what Bronson said - rejection. But I still think it's largely due to the fear of commitment. I don't foresee myself spending the next half of my life with someone else, and sticking to that. I don't think I'm that capable of living with decisions, especially when I have to change my gadgets every now and then. What more about relationships then?
Deep down, I know I haven't resolved anything yet, but I'll try, and let God. The brokeness hit me especially hard these two days, but I daresay I'm taking it alright. If this happened two months back, I'd have been dead already, and in a much worse state.
Friday, September 02, 2005
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