Letting Go ; Letting God

Yeah. It speaks for itself.

Stop running away.

Meaning

It's an age-old question; one that no one has ever found an answer to:

What is life? What is the meaning of life?

When we look back at our own lives, observing the throngs of people moving to and fro going about their daily business, we ask, what is my life about? What is the meaning to my own life?

Some find it in their work, some with their families, others in love, and others in exploration and conquest; a search and discovery of things past, present and future. But there is no singular answer. Life perhaps is precisely that - anything, and (ironically) everything. We accuse workaholics of lacking a 'life' and of being too self-absorbed. Yet we too criticise family-oriented people for lacking commitment and passion in their work life. Perhaps the contradication holds a lesson - there is no one definition to life. It merely 'is'. It is what we choose to define it as...

And that perhaps is a morbid thought for we fear the reality that life is merely a phase; we are merely 'passing through'. Life lacks permanence: we live and we will eventually die. However, this cycle of life stirs up complex emotions within. We fear that all we've done in this life time will disintegrate and be forgotten with time. We fear that we will and perhaps have not done enough. We want to be remembered. We seek immortality...

It so readily explains why people seek fame and fortune; why they sought achievement and success. Beyond the material gains, it is the need to be immortal; to be remembered for the success one has carved upon this world.

And we all do it...in our own way.

History

What is the value of history - personal, national and global (world)?

At the root of it, history is a means to ascertain our existence. History is narrative. And the human race has always had an innate desire to tell stories, to write them, and to recount them. It is what keeps us alive; It is what tells us that we are present, here, in this time and space. We need others to hear and listen so they can reflect our existence.

But history, in its most personal form, is memory. We reminesce and remember to know that we exist(ed). We look back in time and objectify ourselves as a third person often wondering if that was who we were in a forgotten time and space - remembered only in the recesses of our minds. And so in some contorted fashion, existence is merely memory and perception. We create our own realities - nowhere else but in our minds.

We look back introspectively - and we laugh, smile, cry and weep; we are moved, inspired, ashamed, guilt-ridden. That is the power of memory - to shape future memories; to shape the present. In the same way, history in its 'larger' form has the same power. It could shape the world - its future and its present.

But the irony of our own lives, and the world, is that we never learn. We would rather indulge in realities that have passed. And we often only choose to see what we want to see.

Gifted, and Proud Of It

What's with the recent slamming of GEPers in Today?!

Goodness, I just remember I had a rather heated discussion slamming people with Christal at Pizza Hut over dinner, only to realise that I was surrounded by mainstreamers.

But really, are we that arrogant? Do we have no other form of social life? I highly doubt it. I very much believe I have an extravagent social life, sadly. I associate myself with mainstream people - school- or church-based. My best friend is not a GEPer. My closer friends are mainly mainstream people.

Yes, I don't deny I'm not an arrogant stuck-up person at times. And I don't deny it's what the system has 'taught' me to be. But the choice to become the person with the character I bear is my choice; it was not forced onto me with the intention of xeroxing every GEPer to be arrogant, snobbish and whatnot. I chose to be arrogant, because I don't think others match up to me. Sorry if it hurts, but I'm deadly cynical and antagonistic.

Yeah, I'm proud of what I have and possess, sometimes a little too much for my own good. But surely being smart (supposedly at least), we'd learn to discern good from bad, right from wrong, black from white. Surely we know better than to come across as proud and unsociable. Me? I'm a deviant of the system. I don't believe I can be stereotyped into normalcy, and I strive to break free; be different; be me.

So maybe this rant at 2am in the morning seems disorientated and doesn't make much sense... Sorry, I don't need you, the reader, to side with me on this. As hypocritical as it sounds, I beg to differ with the opinions stated in the article.

But, if you were to slam the Integrated Programme for producing pathetic attempts at 'higher education', perhaps you'd get my vote. Idiocy surrounds me, and it's a month of freedom and fresh air, before returning to that hellhole of an educational institution. It's not the school; the school itself is nothing problematic. It's the students - my peers. They suck the life and will to live, to press on pursuing what I love. They tax every second of your life away, hoping to steal all you have. Teenyboppers...

Blank

That's the present state of my mind. It seems my thought-machine has gone on vacation, like most Singaporeans would.

So she's coming back tomorrow. So I'm due for a long overdue phone call. Big deal. Doesn't seem to matter anymore. There's an air of...nonchalance around me. Some might deem it as being apathetically self-absorbed, e.g. "I-don't-give-a-damn-about-anything-or-anyone".

I don't know why I've grown cold lately. My best friend might be leaving Singapore next year, and I don't seem to treasure his company or time anymore. Sad, isn't it?

I don't need your sympathy votes, really.

What I need? I really don't know. Life feels so...empty of late. Lacklustre; a bore; meaningless even.

I guess U2 sums it up quite well - "And I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."

Trials

9 days since my last post.

Much has happened within this period of time, much of which will remain unsaid and confidential. I'm at a crossroad and I've yet to make my decision - which route will I take?

Physically it's been draining - the late nights and all. Coupled with the fact that there have been a maelstrom of emotions that have been rampant across those days, my life doesn't seem any better. Did I mention I'm on a 3 day full fast? Yeah. I'm tired, drained and hungry. They really do complement each other well; the product: a really annoyed Isaac.

I've been asking myself: why do I hold on? It's easier to let go. It's easier to give up and throw everything away. Is it really worth hanging on to? I think it's time my journey to Mount Doom started, and past the Shire and I feel like giving up. It's a long way to redeem myself, and it's a long way to the finish line. What keeps me hanging in there?

And still, I'm one step short of redemption. I've run out of words to express my anguish and present state of mind. Maybe it's the tiredness...

Apathetic

Strangely enough, I don't feel anymore.

I don't care anymore.

Sometimes I think things just don't hit home.

I don't show the slightest bit of humane response upon hearing the tragedies of life that different people face and are going through. I think it's time for some soul searching...

Brave

So long on status quo
I think I'll just let go
You make me wanna be brave

Just tired of holding on. Perhaps Charlotte's right. Maybe it's time to move on; holding on will not change anything. People want to be a part of my life, yet I shun them, and refuse to let them fill your place. No one ever will, but I guess it's time to open up.

But really, I think after losing the physical presence, the next best thing to hold on to is the memories of time spent with the person. Yeah, I'm being emotional. So sue me.

No thank you, just a smile.
I couldn't ask for more.

191105

Card written, present bought. I'm prepared to face the day.

And what?! Someone sends me a very amusing message. I think I might just survive today.

Smile and everything will be fine.

Love Abounds

Recent realisations have convinced me that change is not the only constant in life, contrary to popular belief. There is another entity that has been around from the start of time to the very present - love.

Love existed for a sole purpose - relationship(s). The very first of these was between God and Man. God created Adam out of love. And God later created Eve for Adam, in and also for love. Being human and knowing love, or loving for that matter, seem to be inseparable. For as long as we are human, we will love. It does not only apply for the relationship between two or more people. It has grown to be more complicated over the years. We now coin terms like 'meat-lovers, animal-lovers', purposefully establishing the relationship between themselves and an object of desire to be as strong as the relationship between two people in love. And of course, love takes on many forms, and does not comprise of the sole form modernity claims it has - eros. Love is so much more. It goes past the physical, mental/intellectual, emotional and spiritual. It is quasi-modular, and takes on many forms. Some even say it is the embodiment of our souls.

Modernity, and Hollywood, are the main causes of teenage relationships nowadays. With the ever-increasing number of action-romace films to hit the big screen, this combined with a generation that sees catching movies as part of everyday life, spells disaster. Society has often told us to dare to stretch the limits, push the boundaries; nothing is impossible. With that belief contorted and misinterpreted, teenagers attempt to be the star of their own movie, and start their heroic journey... However, I strongly believe teenagers lack the emotional (and mental) capability to handle relationships. Society has accelerated their emotional growth, and many start seeking love upon entering adolescence. Many claim it is puberty in motion, but really, the idea of teenage relationships was not conceived twenty years ago in Asia. But here it is now, ever so prevalent in today's society.

Have you ever looked around you, noticed the number of teenage couples and felt disgusted? I know I have. I often think, "These kids are wasting their life away; they're going to end up hurt, and they might just possibly commit suicide."

But it is so often found in our being in be judgmental and critical of people, things, and situations. We often think we know better, and adopt the protective "it's-for-your-own-good" method. But if love were to be real and true, this would not work.

Love gives, unreservedly. You do not hold back or try just because others tell you you will get hurt. Sadly, that thought is often at the back of our minds. The fear of commitment and giving is the main cause of the demise of many relationships. We fear getting hurt (again) by someone we love, and thus we would rather hold back and not commit, choosing to believe and accept that love is impossible.

Perhaps I seem like I'm contradicting myself, and you might say teenagers who believe that they can give, can love. Perhaps so, but a relationship takes two - we know the other, but do we know ourselves? Do we know what we seek, what we want in another? Often we would focus so much on the other, that we neglect ourselves, and we realise we've wasted the best years of our life away. There is a time for everything, and youth is precious.

And some will always say love eludes them, for they have been hurt so badly, with wounds so deep time will never heal. These are the people who once did love; they loved freely, unreservedly, only to get hurt. It is true - the more you open up, the more you could get hurt. That holds us all back some time or the other. Reality check: we live in a dog-eat-dog world; betrayal and back-stabbing surround us everyday.

So then, how do we love freely?

And more importantly, why do we love?

We love, because He first loved us.

And at the end of the day, it all comes back to Gee-Oh-Dee. Love is God-centred.

*****

But can I, in two days time, be found safe in His Love? Or will I fall because my security is not in Him? These few nights have brought me close to tears on several occasions, and I'm running out of ways to numb the maelstrom of feelings that will soon erupt and cause chaos.

A year back, and things were so fine. A year back, and I did love unreservedly and gave freely. A year back your smile was perfect, innocent, and untainted. But things have come between us, and you never have been that happy anymore. You may be content, but you're not happy. I know you too well.

A year back, and you were thankful for what little I gave. Now I feel that the most costly of all gifts would not appease you. A year ago, you could not sleep without calling to make sure I was fine, and ask how my day went. Now I know you sleep soundlessly without me in your mind. A year ago, I cried when you cried, smiled when you smiled. Now you're smiling when I'm in tears.

It's 1.23am now. Time to cry myself to sleep thinking of you.

(No this post has nothing to do with a romantic relationship. It deals with the loss of something more important than that. Breakups leave you shattered for 3 months; the loss of a best friend leaves you shattered for more...)

Live the Old Days

I shall lament on how I think my life has changed.

No, I changed my mind.

*****

Charmaine: It's 4/4 now. And no, I don't need you to bother doing it. I already know. I'm such a resourceful person. I dig up info at unearthly hours.

Third week into the holidays...

Well, it's been a rather 'memorable' weekend - Darryl's baptism and certain events on Sunday that occured. Well, across the weekend I'be been struck with a strange feeling. It's that feeling of confusion, and at times amusement, when you try to avoid somebody or a situation, but just as you turn a corner, you meet it/him/her again. To put it across in a more commonly used phrase, I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

A phone call last night, or rather earlier this morning, made me face up to certain issues that I've been running away from. I guess the person never intended to raise them up, but I guess it's time I face up to reality.

And strangely, I never did realise how what people said could affect me. Not in the 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me' aspect, but rather when people try to bring across a certain...point of view. I just never thought I'd be this easily swayed. No, I'm not going to take drugs or smoke or whatnot. It's...something else. It's light-hearted, to some extent.

For those awaiting another post which makes you think, be patient. I'll type one soon, when I'm in the mood and have the time. (I'm subconsciously admitting I'm blogging for an audience...)

Gone

Physical absence makes one empty.

Might vs Magic I

Living in my fantasy world, and I'm at the crossroads of another point in 'make-belief' land. Here's the scenario running through my mind: In a distant far away land, kingdoms battle for land and pride; to be the dominant force in the land. Everyone has a part to play and from young, children have to make the choice between might or magic. For the past two generations, the sword has been strong in the land, and many have been slain by the blade forged in fire. As such, it is totally understandable for the young children to pick might over magic - to wield a sword over spellcasting.

But that is not the case for one soul. Since young, he has always been intrigued by the mystic that shrouds magic in secrecy - the dark/light powers that possess the spirits to destroy or create at will. He has been training for 10 years, but now, the time comes for him to put his skills to the test. He has to leave and make a name for himself - to enter the war of the Seven Kingdoms, where the perennial struggle for power has been going on since the beginning of time.

He wandered out into the woods, and from where he was, he heard the sounds of footsteps in unison. He walks to the edge of the woods, and true enough, the King's army has set forth into yet another battle.

"Why do the poor souls sacrifice themselves for an unending war? Nothing has changed over the past 2 generations. Everyone is just fighting and fighting, for some, it's perhaps to see their faces in the obituaries!" he laughs.

"But this war is...senseless. Unless something breaks the status quo, people will continue to die without a cause."

With this realisation, the young wizard now has a new mission - to discover the weaknesses of each of the other Six Kingdoms, so that the mindless fighting will stop, before more of his friends are lost to a battle seemingly without cause.

*****

That's part one of a series I might not even continue. My writing's really rusty; it's been awhile since I actually wrote narratives. See if you can spot certain ideas that I'm trying to bring across. I borrowed a 'concept' from 1984. Happy reading.

Transient

Almost everything in the world is.

We are not supposed to build our lives on these things, isn't it so? We're supposed to store up things that are eternal. Why then are the foundations of our lives (God aside) the very things we know will decay and rot?

We know our basic foundation is God. Yet there are other things we build and prize our lives upon. No one is exempt from this. We all have 'baggages' that when lost, will make us weep and despair. The humane essentials - love, friendships, relationships, money (to some extent). These things when lost sadden us; some are even driven to extreme states because of what they have lost. We feel our lives are...incomplete and unfulfilled without them.

But the pressing question is why? Is the answer what we're trying to avoid? Being humans, we cannot be separated from humane needs, wants, desires. We need them to live. As much as our physical needs are met by food and water, these are the essential emotional foodsource that feeds our souls. We are humans - more than the physical. We are physical, emotional, spiritual, and, some would argue psychological, entities in one body - a pastiche of complex entities striving to be perfected.

And I do wonder, why is there such a void deep down. Perhaps it's due to the...'incompletion' - the lack of the emotional; the fear to trust, to feel again. Yes, I lead a sad angsty life. Boo hoo. If that's your reaction, then really, go away. Being human is just one step short of perfection, but this step is one that bridges seven storeys and is no small one. Like they say: the higher you are, the harder you fall. I've picked myself up, dusted my cloak, and nursed my wounds. But deep down in the desert of my soul, I know I'm just so dry emotionally. It's been quite some time since I last cried. I feel myself breaking down soon.

And you know what? It's the holidays! I have no end of gloom and misery - such is the price to pay for being me.

Cause amd Effect

We all know it, just that more often than not it slips our minds - everything we do has consequences. The effects of our actions vary from end to end of the spectrum. By God's Grace we may be let off lightly, or we could incur the wrath of a 7 generation plague.

I feel I belong to the latter group. I'm still living, paying the debts of something that lives in the past. Why can't sleeping dogs lie and just leave me alone. Why are the ghosts of past mistakes so big and eternal that no matter how far I run, they always find and haunt me?

It's been about a year now, and things look so different. I'm giving myself less than two weeks; then it's over. By the end, it's make or break. But with everything happening around me, the only outcome to is be "broken, shattered inside" - lyrics off Franz Ferdinand.

God, I was always an individualist, and I know there's a time to rely on You. But this? Why? Both outcomes aren't pleasing to You, so why put me through this?

Nightfall

It's in the stillness of the night - precisely at this hour - that I feel so alive.

I happen to believe I'm nocturnal. I'm wide awake at unearthly hours, and I'm supposed to be in school tomorrow. I guess I can't sleep. Thoughts just keep coming - wave after wave; tirelessly storming the gates of my mind, breaking through each time, causing more chaos, confusion, insecurity. They ravage through the lands, shattering the peace that once was. The towns burn on, with homes and lives being destroyed with each act that desecrates the once sacred and fertile land. Monuments that mark past momentuous milestones lay besieged under the constant and persistent blitz of attackers.

And here we lie under the stars, knowing; wondering what could be.
Do we take our chances while they last, or leave our fate to Destiny?

Oh well. I'm in the mood now. But I really should get some rest. Results, movie, track practice. Dawn's leaving for OBS tomorrow (today actually). Aww, so sad she'll miss certain...events/people (more like one person only).

Random thought: we can only live life if we love life. (Christian principles aside, it does bear truth. Think about it.)

Portals

I can't sleep.

I don't want to sleep.

I don't want to fall asleep thinking of you...

Argh

One match does not cost a championship.

On Holiday

Yeah. They've started. It's not something I entirely look forward to. Holidays, ironically, are the times when you feel you wake up to a day of less purpose and objectives. You wake up to the freedom of not knowing what to do. I've been going out the past few days, but I haven't caught any movies of late, although I would have wanted to.

I've been quite passive lately; the realisation that something may soon happen that will tear me asunder between memory and desire. And really, I don't know what to do... I've been in a melancholic state of reflection, and if I had to power to change things, I would. It's tragic I only realised the value of certain things in their absence. For some time, their absence has been filled by the presence of other things in my life, but illusions can only exist for so long. And now I realise certain things really do mean so much more than I would like to admit.

Why I'm going through such torture - the price to pay for being different - I don't know. Really. At times, I do wish for the simple life; the good life. My life is complicated beyond belief - a pastiche of monologues, anecdotes, stories, fairy-tales. It's narrative upon narrative of tragicomical happenings, and I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

It's the bittersweet quality of life which intrigues me. We go through hurts and pains to know that the next happy moment tastes so much sweeter. Like someone once told me, "Life is full of happy things, you just have to find them."

Sadly, I've lost mine, and it's an irreplaceable loss...