Yokes

I'm going to start studying. I think I'm slacking too much. Really.

Today was wasted. I don't want to talk about it.

I shall go out tomorrow and study. And there's the study session with the cell on Thursday, after which we'll probably end up playing pool. Wednesday's Bio project day. That's Friday for Geog. And well... I shall finish my History assignment tomorrow.

I shall do Chem and Math tomorrow. I shall attempt to crash course my way through Geog with Leonard's help when school reopens. History will be done across the weekend. Bio on Thursday.

Arrgh. Planning. I'm sick of it really. I'm getting annoyed and worked up at this organised mess that I'm in. It's an utterly paradoxical situation where I plan and plan so much that everything's so rigid and I'm losing the room for flexibility. I need that space. It's not the workload that's killing. It's... I don't know. I don't want to plan anymore. I hate seeing that nice list and crossing off things I've done and feeling good about it. Yet I cannot live in a mess and lose track of what I need to do. I probably am not making sense now.

And I hate thinking, but once again I'm back to the topic of friendships. Someone once asked me whether I'd rather have a million friends and seem popular, or a couple of close good friends. I chose the latter, but I'm seemingly stuck with the former. It's just hi's and bye's. I mean, I would take the time and effort to get to know people better, but I just don't have the resources right now. I need a break now. I need to be left alone.

The irony is that the people not in my life right now are the ones that really matter. I've given up on certain people. I'm tired of mentoring. I feel I've done my part, and I need a rest. I feel that forging friendships and relationships take so much out of me. If you don't realise this you probably don't mean alot to me, but that's a generalisation. I hate half-hearted relationships, but sometimes it's just forced upon me.

I feel so held back. I feel so weary. Even men of steel fall and stumble; we all have our kryptonite. I'm burning out and this is the wrong time for all this. I need to study hard. I need to get my grades. I need to get into that combination in ACJC. I need to... Or do I want to? I'm not even certain of why I do the things I do now.

It's time to let God handle everything and trust in His Perfect Plans. I need to find my rest in His Peace again. Now to find the time and be still...

Crazy

That's what everyone said when they heard my response for my choice of subject combination for next year. Jonathan had to go and tell Michelle, and Michelle went on about how I would die with KI and 4 H2 subjects. But I guess they have a point.

So I guess I'm stuck with:

-KI (H2)
-Lit (H2 / H3)
-History (H2 / H3)
-Theatre Studies (H2)
-Econs (H1)

Yes, there is no Math. So sue me. I might do H1 Math instead of Econs, but we'll see.

Michelle claims TS and KI are heavy subjects and killers. Hmmm. I wonder if whether I'm being realistic, or just knowing that I can break out of the norm. I know I can do that. But where does one draw the line between vision and reality?

And it helps to know Jas thinks I'm nuts too. Now all I need is Sebas to slap me when he hears about it. Then I'll know from God.

(Don't we all sense the sarcasm...)

Confusion Never Stops

Ah how I miss Coldplay.

Hmmm... I can't decide. Decisions decisions, a thousand to make, and that means that there are at least two thousand options. Bugger.

Pushed for LCell on Friday night, then I rememebered that Sam's flying off then. Arrgh.

And there's Lang Arts night tomorrow.

so take me back
to when we first loved ;

Angel in Disguise

Angel in Disguise
by Corrinne May

I woke up this morning feeling kind of blue
and I stumbled out of bed and
dragged my feet across the room
Right outside my front door was a rose
and a note that said 'Somebody Loves You'

But out on the street it starts to pour
and before I get soaking wet,
A total stranger runs to give me
the jacket off his back
I turn around to thank him
But he waves me with a smile
And I can hardly believe my eyes
He puts on a halo and starts to fly

Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look for Paradise
You could be next to
an angel in disguise

I met a good friend for lunch
and we had a delicious meal
But I forgot to bring my wallet
I felt like an imbecile
But she was sweet, she gave me a treat and
Bought me a chicken sandwich
To take home for tea

But out on the street with nothing to eat
A man and his shopping cart go
Travelling to places
Collecting social graces
I give him my sandwich
and we chatter for a while
I see a rainbow wash over his eyes
He gives me his halo and
I start to fly

Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look for Paradise
You could be next to
an angel in disguise

Don't try to hide away from me
I know you're by my side

Take a look at the ordinary
Don't need to look at Paradise
You could be next to
an angel in disguise
Everyday can be legendary
Every minute, an endless surprise
You could be the next angel in disguise

I woke up this morning
Feeling kind of new


*****

One of the songs that touch your heart. Was going through letters and this one came up.

Late Nights and Old Friends

I have no idea why I'm still up. There's no phone calls to take tonight, so I'm on MSN...

Sarah started a conversation and I guess it sparked off a long discourse on various issues that is still continuing at present. Somehow, I guess I missed talking to her from last year.

Hmmm... I should stop reading so much into things. It doesn't really help. Reading through old chatlogs do not help your cause. You piece the different pieces together, and you realise how you never saw the full picture of things, and so many different misunderstandings arise. But honestly, I would rather be obnoxious and oblivious to these things.

The Surest Way

I don't want to be me anymore.

Get it or not, it's not my concern.

I think the surest way to kill me is to leave me questions without the answers (if there even are any).

Quizzes

Ideal School: ACS (I)

Mythical Creature: Angel (WHAAAAAT?!)

What fairy are you: Dark fairy.

Which Greek Creature are you: Pandora (Hmmm...)

What coloured eyes should you have: Brown (Supposedly represents smart people... Yeah right...)

Bahhh

take me away to a world where
no one but us
breathe; speak; live; exist
all i know is
that i wanna make it with you
through the night
through all of eternity

Shitty piece. I currently feel like writing, but there's no inspiration. I need my muse...

I need to pick up a musical instrument. I shall learn how to play the guitar after the exams.

This is just incoherent. I feel as if there's something I need to do, but I can't put my finger on it.

the art of being happy

The Stage of Life

Shakespeare once said most famously that, "All the world's a stage" and it has been quoted and misquoted time upon time.

We definitely can draw parallels between life and the theatre - the plays, the acting, the dramatisation. But are there parallels between life and the theatre of the age: the cinema?

Films and plays often attempt to bring across a message, to tell a story; to document an event; to provide insight into a situation. It establishes that based on a strong human connection and thus it allows us to relate to the characters at hand. Yet, humanity and what it means to be human is constantly being blurred. What's worse is that Hollywood distorts reality. We are now hypotised into believing we can all be heroes; that we can all save the day; we can take on tens of thousands in armed combat and escape unscathed. (Consider this with God and His Power aside, lest I am accused of heresy and whatnot.)

We are slowly, but surely, conforming a part of our consciousness, influenced by external forces into shifting and shaping reality into something that is not real. We are seduced by visual and graphic effects, stunts, and the blue screen. We no longer think and realise that it is no longer reality. Who needs to keep both feet on the ground when Hollywood tells us that we can all fly like Superman?

Movies and books, and other texts, convince us that the hero is the everyman, and that anyone can rise up to be great. Look at Frodo Baggins, King Arthur, and other examples of the hero given today. Right now, the concept of the anti-hero is so prominent. Rebellion and other distortion of virtues pervade our consciousness, and we believe these are now what is right and glorious.

Events portrayed in movies are so commonplace, that it further accentuates the belief that everyone can be a hero. And right now, I'm just caught in between. I know I can make that difference, to bring about that change, and to be great. Yet I do ponder whether my reality has been distorted; whether the truth does hold. I wonder when it comes down to making choices like they do in the movies, will I have the courage to make the right ones? And what are the right ones? What are the virtues that one must possess to save the world? What truth lies beneath visual effects and the blue screen? Can we really be what we see (and believe in)?

Superman speaks of how the world needs a Savior. And only You can save this world. I've always loved the song "Jesus You're My Superhero". Granted it was for Hillsongs Kids, but there such an alluring charm of innocence that we don't find anymore. It's the simple faith - faith that trusts that no matter what comes our way, He will be there. And I will testify to that.

And being someone's hero doesn't mean you have to save the world. What it means, is for you to find out on your own path of discovery.

To that someone: You've taught me how to change the world. Not by superhuman might or ability, but through prayer. Thank you.

Two More Days...

...till the academic term ends and it's the start of the oh-so-wonderful two week elective lessons.

I shall recount my experience with certain teachers who really do mood swing. Since I am a nice person, I shall just call the teacher X. So I go to see teacher X in the morning today because I realised that I'm the only one from my class who did not get a certain elective as my first choice. I put it down to the selection process where they'd choose by class and the class register. That makes me the third last person to choose in the whole Programme. Obviously, I wasn't happy, and I went to the staff room to give teacher X a call and asked nicely why I did not get the elective.

So teacher X goes on about the selection being done in "another manner", which she refused to explain. And she claims she's busy, and that I should just accept it. After all, I got my second choice, which was still a choice after all, and that I should do some self reflection because I complained. However, she did say if I was still unhappy after the reflection, I should see her.

I go back to class extremely pissed. And soon the day's lessons end and suddenly Jeffrey pops in after Math and tells me teacher X wants to see me. I wondered if it was because she wanted to lecture me further on the earlier issue. Instead, when I call teacher X in the staff room, she sounded extremely happy and tells me that my request for a transfer has been accepted.

Goodness. I have learnt how to deal with women - ask for stuff at the right time. Seriously!

Dad brought back my transfer form today! So I have up till next week to fill up my application into ACJC. Excellent! Now, it's off to study hard for the EOYs and make it into ACJC.

And now I need to reconsider the Italy trip. It falls, unfortunately, on a certain day and I am already getting quite affected by the fact that I might by away then. Sigh.

Why am I blogging now when I owe the DNA Knots teachers two overdue assignments? Goodness. There's a folder with work on the maTrix with no announcements whatsoever about the folder's existence and what it contains. I'm so sure students have that much time to hunt for new folders in the maTrix.

"Hey look! There's a new folder in the maTrix!"
"I saw it yesterday!"
"Dang, here's five dollars for being so observant."

That's definitely going to be the new culture among students in TJC!

And I'll definitely write in about the disciplinary system when I leave. So guys with long hair, do relax. Apparently what is acceptable in their standards, is my hair when I just cut it. Anything else is too long! And they pull your fringe down to see if it is longer than your eyebrow! Which school subjects their male students to such...stupid acts, please tag or leave a comment. I would seriously like to know. I mean, I bet if I pulled Mr Daniel Ng's fringe down it would break the school rules too. Warning: You can no longer have side partings, and styling your hair neatly to the side does not exempt you from having a supposedly long fringe.

Thank goodness there's AC. Please God, let me get out of this place...

Shifting Sands

I'm taking a breather really. It's a Friday night, and one would wonder why I'm not out or asleep. The past weeks have been dreadfully hectic - projects of all kinds just seem to be piling up, despite my constant efforts to clear them off. I'm getting increasingly forgetful as well, which many would attribute to my busy schedule and all.

But perhaps there's more to it. Especially when you're living my life, you know you can never take anything at eye level. It astounds me how I totally forgot Charlotte and Rachel's birthdays. And how I haven't gotten Jeann anything yet, and I still owe her a letter. I wonder whether my priorities have changed, and whether certain people do mean as much to me as I profess. Granted, cards and presents do not mean everything, but to me, it's a sign of appreciation; to thank them for being a part of my life, no matter how large or small a part they have played. I really need to find time tomorrow to write the cards, and pass Jeann her present.

And sometimes, I do question whether I'm just caught in a web of deception, living life as it is, and losing the innate ability to question. I feel like I'm caught in hyperreality; I'm living a lie, and this isn't how it should be. But then again, one does question what reality is? What is "real" and "unreal"? Does seeing something make it real; or tasting; or touching it? What if you could feel it? I might do a more detailed post on reality and the like, but not just yet. Reality is not the physical environment we live in; it is in our minds. We project and craft only what we wish to see and believe. Realities are only real to those whom they belong to.

Those thoughts aside, and more pertinently, certain past issues are cropping up. One year does make quite a bit of difference, and I wonder if perhaps things have changed... And this just is not the right time for all these...

I think I'm numbing myself to the conflicts in life by convincing myself that I live on Cybertron. I'm so caught up with fantasies: those of ejecting transforming cassettes; those of flying jet planes; those of watching two cities battle; those of gestalts; those of reviving fallen leaders (all hail Galvatron).

I think I need to do some more reflection in the window of my soul.

Laserbeak: Eject
Operation: Reconnaissance

Visionary

So I finally realised what He was saying along the whole week, and the answer's made clear today during the District Gathering.

I suppose I might have guessed I had a calling into the Prayer Ministry. Prayer was always something on my heart - more so than most other youths anyway. I was busy pondering whether I should ask to join the IGNYTE Prayer Force, yet something held me back. I was seeking God, and asking Him for a direction and whether it was my calling.

And now I know. I'm not called to join one. I'm called to start one. I'm not going against the leaders and all, but I have a vision for a ministry of prayer - one run by youths. I see youths rising up and praying, standing in that gap. As I was seeking God across the week, I kept hearing the word "ownership", and I was trying to figure out what it means. I think now I know. It's taking ownership of IGNYTE, making it our ministry.

I had a short time of sharing of goals and visions with the cell on Saturday. Think many of them were shocked that it was a move initiated by me, not the adults. I'm glad for the time of sharing, and I think they caught my vision for the ministry. Now, it's a test to see whether they can perservere for that vision. I asked them how they saw IGNYTE in PL, and what they wanted life in PL to be like. They all shared noble goals and visions; I only hope they do something about it, and not let the dream die.

But admittedly I'm feeling rather drained physically and spiritually. There's always bound to be attacks after we accomplish something great. I sincerely hope I can stand through this...

Dreams

I had an interesting thought during SS. I attribute it to the nice nap I had at the sick bay today, resulting in my absence from both Math periods.

I'm quite perturbed by Mr Ng commenting on dreams being able to be bought nowadays. As much as I would like to think otherwise, it happens to be true. In a consumer society, money gets you places; it can buy you fame, get you places, help you live your dreams.

But I suppose dreams now have become more superficial and quite meaningless, for there is a limit to what money can provide. We all want to be rich, famous, good looking, and the like. Money can get you that far, that much I agree. But what happened to the noble dreams? Slowly but surely, dreams are being perversed.

Take academics for example. What happened to working hard when you can buy a place in top schools nowadays? Why work hard, when your family's already well off and you'll enter the family business? Why train hard, when teams can buy the title? It's just a global degradation of dreams that were once noble and beautiful.

But I suppose certain dreams cannot be bought, no matter what the price. Certain dreams have higher callings and value than that which money can ever offer. Take the dream to save lives - (I hope) doctors do it because of their love for people, to see them live on; to see that look of joy on the faces of family members, not because of money. Soldiers fight for their countries, not because of the medals and incentives offered, but because of their love for their homeland. We fight for the people we love, not because of how much they're worth materialistically, but their value to us.

And what do we dream? To pursue fame and fortune? What saddens me is that the two are seemingly intertwined. You need money to pursue your dreams. And we end up getting caught in that vicious cycle. I'm not saying that I hate money and would burn it because I believe it's evil. I still want to provide well for my kids (if and when I grow up and start a family), I want them to have a good education and all, but I don't want to be caught up earning money that I don't spend time with them.

I don't want to pursue a dream for the sake of making it big. It doesn't matter to me. I want to pursue a passion - something I love doing. Since young, many of us have been told to study hard and get a well paying job in the future. But someone's sharing with me about God's Calling and the sacrifice just struck me. Besides, even if we are rich, we might not be happy. And to me, that's more important than wealth. I'm learning, albeit slowly, to treasure the little things in life. I'm smiling more, taking pleasure in the little things, because from them we learn life's greatest lessons.

I'm quite content with my life now. Really. It's not perfect, but I've got all that matters: You.

And I owe it all to two very special people.

Superman

We all want to be superheroes in our own ways. We want to save the world, to make it a better place. We want to uphold justice; to do what's right. We want so much; we have noble aspirations.

But so often we fall short.

Superman
by Five for Fighting

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird
I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
'Bout a home I'll never see

It might sound absurd
But don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed
But won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away, away from me
Well, it's alright
You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a phony red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me, inside of me
Inside of me, yeah inside of me, inside of me

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me, inside of me
Inside of me, yeah inside of me, inside of me

Philosophies

For as much as we postulate and speculate, there is a time to wonder what are our guiding principles in life. What governs and drives our every deed, action or inaction, thoughts and all that's beyond that?

More importantly, I'm questioning what drives me. What are my philosophies in life? What do I live by? What are my boundaries and guidelines?

I once thought I had those set in place. Now, I'm not so sure.

And perhaps you're the greatest irony of all. Someone's bombarding me with philosophies now and all of them seem so true. And it scares me really. I find that life's worth living more when you live it and not think about issues. You would generally be happier, and ignorance is bliss, as they say.

Yet I constantly feel that insecurity, like I need to take a step back, and think, question, reflect on whether I'm doing the right thing and the best thing.

Right now, I'm only but a shadow of you.

Side Humour

After two "emo" posts (as some would call it), here's a happier one.

I told myself I'd recount the moments in the day that made me smile or made me happy.

I guess what made my day today was, ironically, Sarah.

Over lunch and the double Chinese period, I must admit the extended conversations we had were very much enjoyable. Somehow her lightheartedness just takes my mind off certain other things.

I do quote from when we were in 7-eleven:

"Isaac! I know who you love!"
"Err?! Right. Sure. That'd be me. I love myself."
"Nope. It's me!"

I don't suppose many saw the humour in that, but oh well. It has to be contextualised. And Sar drew all over my foolscape paper during Chinese. And we were playing this really stupid game - some word association.

Right. Left. Centre. Middle. Up. Down. Stairs. Lifts. Buildings. HDB. URA. Land. Sea. Air. Air Force. Planes. Missiles. Cuban Missile Crisis. Cold War. Soviet Union. Communism. Mao. Stalin. Lenin. Trotsky. Chomsky. (and the list goes on...)

To Love

Wisdom has it that it takes courage to love. Most of us probably can't begin to fathom what that really means till a significant loss has occurred.

What these annals of wisdom fail to add is that it is fearful to love.

To truly love someone, even if it were just a friend whom you hope could be closer and see more of, is truly one of the most terrifying experiences in the world.

True valour comes in truly loving someone.

Because love changes expectations but often expectations fail...

The Little Things We Call Expectations

Once again I'm left wondering whether humanity operates and communicates at the same wavelength.

Once again I feel let down by expectations.

Once again I feel I didn't know what to expect; what other people expect.

Maybe I was wrong. But you won't let me know.

Maybe I was wrong. I believed in second chances (maybe more).

Maybe I was wrong. I believed such things transcended time and space.

And one does ponder whether after all that's gone awry, human relationships do have second chances. By all human standards, forgiveness is the hardest virtue to practice.

Technology Fails

My post just got deleted.

Here's the crux of it. We got second for interhouse 7-a-side soccer and I'm left with a recurring ankle problem.

I think I'm starting to learn to live.

Defence-less

And at times like these I feel so lost; so opened up, like all the walls and fortresses I've constructed just vanished, as if they never existed in the first place.

I just feel so much smaller, so lost when everything's torn down and we meet.

And you sweep me off my feet, and engage me in other worlds I never knew existed. You take me to different places, and show me the universe through your eyes.

I am amazed.

You've shown me that everything else is but naught, and nothing truly matters. All conditions matter not, but it's the meeting of two souls.

Maybe it's something spiritual, or something deeper. But I am left enraptured by each of such encounters. I want to know more, I want to see, to know your world.

Yet I'm scared. I'm scared of knowing, of what you might say or think.

And I know I've never been this scared. I've never felt like this.

Now the roles are reversed. You are the teacher; I am the student. You show me what I need to know. You tear down all forms of security, and everything's exposed - faults, misdeeds, and all. No one else goes that far, knows so much.

Before you, imperfection never felt this perfect.