Traces

A year gone, so here's a year's reflections.

We leave traces of ourselves in everything we do, everywhere we visit, everyone we encounter in life. And so often we leave irreplaceable parts of ourselves in the things and people we deem important and invaluable. Yet when these things and people move on, we often lose those parts of ourselves, and struggle ever so hard to find them, to retrieve them and bring them back to make us whole again.

And at the beginning of another cyclical calendar is often the time we spend looking back at the traces and trials we left before and behind us, hoping that the new year brings about new beginnings, new hopes, and positive changes. Yet, we know in all consciousness, though we refuse to admit it, that life is cyclical and has a history and way of repeating itself (deja vu anyone?) though it provides of illusion of linearity. Despite this, most of us look forward - earnestly hoping for change.

Yes, if there's a word for 2005 that sums it up it is simply this - loss. It's been a dreadful year of loss, not only for me. (Thanks Sam for the incredibly ridiculous New Year's message.) It's been a year of natural and 'unnatural' disasters, where many lives have been taken and claimed, and the Earth itself left bruised and damaged, and families of those left weaping and mourning over what will never be returned to them.

Recounting, I have lost so much in my life. I have lost my passion for the things I do; the passion that beseeches me to give of myself to others, to guide them because I have been blessed. I have lost the passion for running, due to the recurrent ankle injury that bothers me. I have lost the passion to commit, to trust, and to love. I seem to have lost the reason and motivation that drives me on weekends; to pursue the destiny of others who often do not appreciate it. I have lost those that were once close to me; those I once called and held dear. But amidst all that has happened, I have lost myself.

Yet in losing myself, I have gained something invaluable - the knowledge that I need to find myself again; to find a renewed purpose to guide me through this life. I have gained the knowledge that I need to chart a future where self-worth is found from within, and not from others' perspectives and beliefs and sayings. Most importantly, I have gained the realisation that there are people around who still care, and are inspired by what I believe in and how I stand firm to them.

I have lost materially...but I have gained in ways that weights and measures cannot value.