9 days since my last post.
Much has happened within this period of time, much of which will remain unsaid and confidential. I'm at a crossroad and I've yet to make my decision - which route will I take?
Physically it's been draining - the late nights and all. Coupled with the fact that there have been a maelstrom of emotions that have been rampant across those days, my life doesn't seem any better. Did I mention I'm on a 3 day full fast? Yeah. I'm tired, drained and hungry. They really do complement each other well; the product: a really annoyed Isaac.
I've been asking myself: why do I hold on? It's easier to let go. It's easier to give up and throw everything away. Is it really worth hanging on to? I think it's time my journey to Mount Doom started, and past the Shire and I feel like giving up. It's a long way to redeem myself, and it's a long way to the finish line. What keeps me hanging in there?
And still, I'm one step short of redemption. I've run out of words to express my anguish and present state of mind. Maybe it's the tiredness...
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Apathetic
Strangely enough, I don't feel anymore.
I don't care anymore.
Sometimes I think things just don't hit home.
I don't show the slightest bit of humane response upon hearing the tragedies of life that different people face and are going through. I think it's time for some soul searching...
I don't care anymore.
Sometimes I think things just don't hit home.
I don't show the slightest bit of humane response upon hearing the tragedies of life that different people face and are going through. I think it's time for some soul searching...
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Brave
So long on status quo
I think I'll just let go
You make me wanna be brave
I think I'll just let go
You make me wanna be brave
Just tired of holding on. Perhaps Charlotte's right. Maybe it's time to move on; holding on will not change anything. People want to be a part of my life, yet I shun them, and refuse to let them fill your place. No one ever will, but I guess it's time to open up.
But really, I think after losing the physical presence, the next best thing to hold on to is the memories of time spent with the person. Yeah, I'm being emotional. So sue me.
No thank you, just a smile.
I couldn't ask for more.
I couldn't ask for more.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
191105
Card written, present bought. I'm prepared to face the day.
And what?! Someone sends me a very amusing message. I think I might just survive today.
Smile and everything will be fine.
And what?! Someone sends me a very amusing message. I think I might just survive today.
Smile and everything will be fine.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Love Abounds
Recent realisations have convinced me that change is not the only constant in life, contrary to popular belief. There is another entity that has been around from the start of time to the very present - love.
Love existed for a sole purpose - relationship(s). The very first of these was between God and Man. God created Adam out of love. And God later created Eve for Adam, in and also for love. Being human and knowing love, or loving for that matter, seem to be inseparable. For as long as we are human, we will love. It does not only apply for the relationship between two or more people. It has grown to be more complicated over the years. We now coin terms like 'meat-lovers, animal-lovers', purposefully establishing the relationship between themselves and an object of desire to be as strong as the relationship between two people in love. And of course, love takes on many forms, and does not comprise of the sole form modernity claims it has - eros. Love is so much more. It goes past the physical, mental/intellectual, emotional and spiritual. It is quasi-modular, and takes on many forms. Some even say it is the embodiment of our souls.
Modernity, and Hollywood, are the main causes of teenage relationships nowadays. With the ever-increasing number of action-romace films to hit the big screen, this combined with a generation that sees catching movies as part of everyday life, spells disaster. Society has often told us to dare to stretch the limits, push the boundaries; nothing is impossible. With that belief contorted and misinterpreted, teenagers attempt to be the star of their own movie, and start their heroic journey... However, I strongly believe teenagers lack the emotional (and mental) capability to handle relationships. Society has accelerated their emotional growth, and many start seeking love upon entering adolescence. Many claim it is puberty in motion, but really, the idea of teenage relationships was not conceived twenty years ago in Asia. But here it is now, ever so prevalent in today's society.
Have you ever looked around you, noticed the number of teenage couples and felt disgusted? I know I have. I often think, "These kids are wasting their life away; they're going to end up hurt, and they might just possibly commit suicide."
But it is so often found in our being in be judgmental and critical of people, things, and situations. We often think we know better, and adopt the protective "it's-for-your-own-good" method. But if love were to be real and true, this would not work.
Love gives, unreservedly. You do not hold back or try just because others tell you you will get hurt. Sadly, that thought is often at the back of our minds. The fear of commitment and giving is the main cause of the demise of many relationships. We fear getting hurt (again) by someone we love, and thus we would rather hold back and not commit, choosing to believe and accept that love is impossible.
Perhaps I seem like I'm contradicting myself, and you might say teenagers who believe that they can give, can love. Perhaps so, but a relationship takes two - we know the other, but do we know ourselves? Do we know what we seek, what we want in another? Often we would focus so much on the other, that we neglect ourselves, and we realise we've wasted the best years of our life away. There is a time for everything, and youth is precious.
And some will always say love eludes them, for they have been hurt so badly, with wounds so deep time will never heal. These are the people who once did love; they loved freely, unreservedly, only to get hurt. It is true - the more you open up, the more you could get hurt. That holds us all back some time or the other. Reality check: we live in a dog-eat-dog world; betrayal and back-stabbing surround us everyday.
So then, how do we love freely?
And more importantly, why do we love?
We love, because He first loved us.
And at the end of the day, it all comes back to Gee-Oh-Dee. Love is God-centred.
*****
But can I, in two days time, be found safe in His Love? Or will I fall because my security is not in Him? These few nights have brought me close to tears on several occasions, and I'm running out of ways to numb the maelstrom of feelings that will soon erupt and cause chaos.
A year back, and things were so fine. A year back, and I did love unreservedly and gave freely. A year back your smile was perfect, innocent, and untainted. But things have come between us, and you never have been that happy anymore. You may be content, but you're not happy. I know you too well.
A year back, and you were thankful for what little I gave. Now I feel that the most costly of all gifts would not appease you. A year ago, you could not sleep without calling to make sure I was fine, and ask how my day went. Now I know you sleep soundlessly without me in your mind. A year ago, I cried when you cried, smiled when you smiled. Now you're smiling when I'm in tears.
It's 1.23am now. Time to cry myself to sleep thinking of you.
(No this post has nothing to do with a romantic relationship. It deals with the loss of something more important than that. Breakups leave you shattered for 3 months; the loss of a best friend leaves you shattered for more...)
Love existed for a sole purpose - relationship(s). The very first of these was between God and Man. God created Adam out of love. And God later created Eve for Adam, in and also for love. Being human and knowing love, or loving for that matter, seem to be inseparable. For as long as we are human, we will love. It does not only apply for the relationship between two or more people. It has grown to be more complicated over the years. We now coin terms like 'meat-lovers, animal-lovers', purposefully establishing the relationship between themselves and an object of desire to be as strong as the relationship between two people in love. And of course, love takes on many forms, and does not comprise of the sole form modernity claims it has - eros. Love is so much more. It goes past the physical, mental/intellectual, emotional and spiritual. It is quasi-modular, and takes on many forms. Some even say it is the embodiment of our souls.
Modernity, and Hollywood, are the main causes of teenage relationships nowadays. With the ever-increasing number of action-romace films to hit the big screen, this combined with a generation that sees catching movies as part of everyday life, spells disaster. Society has often told us to dare to stretch the limits, push the boundaries; nothing is impossible. With that belief contorted and misinterpreted, teenagers attempt to be the star of their own movie, and start their heroic journey... However, I strongly believe teenagers lack the emotional (and mental) capability to handle relationships. Society has accelerated their emotional growth, and many start seeking love upon entering adolescence. Many claim it is puberty in motion, but really, the idea of teenage relationships was not conceived twenty years ago in Asia. But here it is now, ever so prevalent in today's society.
Have you ever looked around you, noticed the number of teenage couples and felt disgusted? I know I have. I often think, "These kids are wasting their life away; they're going to end up hurt, and they might just possibly commit suicide."
But it is so often found in our being in be judgmental and critical of people, things, and situations. We often think we know better, and adopt the protective "it's-for-your-own-good" method. But if love were to be real and true, this would not work.
Love gives, unreservedly. You do not hold back or try just because others tell you you will get hurt. Sadly, that thought is often at the back of our minds. The fear of commitment and giving is the main cause of the demise of many relationships. We fear getting hurt (again) by someone we love, and thus we would rather hold back and not commit, choosing to believe and accept that love is impossible.
Perhaps I seem like I'm contradicting myself, and you might say teenagers who believe that they can give, can love. Perhaps so, but a relationship takes two - we know the other, but do we know ourselves? Do we know what we seek, what we want in another? Often we would focus so much on the other, that we neglect ourselves, and we realise we've wasted the best years of our life away. There is a time for everything, and youth is precious.
And some will always say love eludes them, for they have been hurt so badly, with wounds so deep time will never heal. These are the people who once did love; they loved freely, unreservedly, only to get hurt. It is true - the more you open up, the more you could get hurt. That holds us all back some time or the other. Reality check: we live in a dog-eat-dog world; betrayal and back-stabbing surround us everyday.
So then, how do we love freely?
And more importantly, why do we love?
We love, because He first loved us.
And at the end of the day, it all comes back to Gee-Oh-Dee. Love is God-centred.
*****
But can I, in two days time, be found safe in His Love? Or will I fall because my security is not in Him? These few nights have brought me close to tears on several occasions, and I'm running out of ways to numb the maelstrom of feelings that will soon erupt and cause chaos.
A year back, and things were so fine. A year back, and I did love unreservedly and gave freely. A year back your smile was perfect, innocent, and untainted. But things have come between us, and you never have been that happy anymore. You may be content, but you're not happy. I know you too well.
A year back, and you were thankful for what little I gave. Now I feel that the most costly of all gifts would not appease you. A year ago, you could not sleep without calling to make sure I was fine, and ask how my day went. Now I know you sleep soundlessly without me in your mind. A year ago, I cried when you cried, smiled when you smiled. Now you're smiling when I'm in tears.
It's 1.23am now. Time to cry myself to sleep thinking of you.
(No this post has nothing to do with a romantic relationship. It deals with the loss of something more important than that. Breakups leave you shattered for 3 months; the loss of a best friend leaves you shattered for more...)
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Live the Old Days
I shall lament on how I think my life has changed.
No, I changed my mind.
*****
Charmaine: It's 4/4 now. And no, I don't need you to bother doing it. I already know. I'm such a resourceful person. I dig up info at unearthly hours.
No, I changed my mind.
*****
Charmaine: It's 4/4 now. And no, I don't need you to bother doing it. I already know. I'm such a resourceful person. I dig up info at unearthly hours.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Third week into the holidays...
Well, it's been a rather 'memorable' weekend - Darryl's baptism and certain events on Sunday that occured. Well, across the weekend I'be been struck with a strange feeling. It's that feeling of confusion, and at times amusement, when you try to avoid somebody or a situation, but just as you turn a corner, you meet it/him/her again. To put it across in a more commonly used phrase, I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.
A phone call last night, or rather earlier this morning, made me face up to certain issues that I've been running away from. I guess the person never intended to raise them up, but I guess it's time I face up to reality.
And strangely, I never did realise how what people said could affect me. Not in the 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me' aspect, but rather when people try to bring across a certain...point of view. I just never thought I'd be this easily swayed. No, I'm not going to take drugs or smoke or whatnot. It's...something else. It's light-hearted, to some extent.
For those awaiting another post which makes you think, be patient. I'll type one soon, when I'm in the mood and have the time. (I'm subconsciously admitting I'm blogging for an audience...)
Well, it's been a rather 'memorable' weekend - Darryl's baptism and certain events on Sunday that occured. Well, across the weekend I'be been struck with a strange feeling. It's that feeling of confusion, and at times amusement, when you try to avoid somebody or a situation, but just as you turn a corner, you meet it/him/her again. To put it across in a more commonly used phrase, I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.
A phone call last night, or rather earlier this morning, made me face up to certain issues that I've been running away from. I guess the person never intended to raise them up, but I guess it's time I face up to reality.
And strangely, I never did realise how what people said could affect me. Not in the 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me' aspect, but rather when people try to bring across a certain...point of view. I just never thought I'd be this easily swayed. No, I'm not going to take drugs or smoke or whatnot. It's...something else. It's light-hearted, to some extent.
For those awaiting another post which makes you think, be patient. I'll type one soon, when I'm in the mood and have the time. (I'm subconsciously admitting I'm blogging for an audience...)
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Might vs Magic I
Living in my fantasy world, and I'm at the crossroads of another point in 'make-belief' land. Here's the scenario running through my mind: In a distant far away land, kingdoms battle for land and pride; to be the dominant force in the land. Everyone has a part to play and from young, children have to make the choice between might or magic. For the past two generations, the sword has been strong in the land, and many have been slain by the blade forged in fire. As such, it is totally understandable for the young children to pick might over magic - to wield a sword over spellcasting.
But that is not the case for one soul. Since young, he has always been intrigued by the mystic that shrouds magic in secrecy - the dark/light powers that possess the spirits to destroy or create at will. He has been training for 10 years, but now, the time comes for him to put his skills to the test. He has to leave and make a name for himself - to enter the war of the Seven Kingdoms, where the perennial struggle for power has been going on since the beginning of time.
He wandered out into the woods, and from where he was, he heard the sounds of footsteps in unison. He walks to the edge of the woods, and true enough, the King's army has set forth into yet another battle.
"Why do the poor souls sacrifice themselves for an unending war? Nothing has changed over the past 2 generations. Everyone is just fighting and fighting, for some, it's perhaps to see their faces in the obituaries!" he laughs.
"But this war is...senseless. Unless something breaks the status quo, people will continue to die without a cause."
With this realisation, the young wizard now has a new mission - to discover the weaknesses of each of the other Six Kingdoms, so that the mindless fighting will stop, before more of his friends are lost to a battle seemingly without cause.
*****
That's part one of a series I might not even continue. My writing's really rusty; it's been awhile since I actually wrote narratives. See if you can spot certain ideas that I'm trying to bring across. I borrowed a 'concept' from 1984. Happy reading.
But that is not the case for one soul. Since young, he has always been intrigued by the mystic that shrouds magic in secrecy - the dark/light powers that possess the spirits to destroy or create at will. He has been training for 10 years, but now, the time comes for him to put his skills to the test. He has to leave and make a name for himself - to enter the war of the Seven Kingdoms, where the perennial struggle for power has been going on since the beginning of time.
He wandered out into the woods, and from where he was, he heard the sounds of footsteps in unison. He walks to the edge of the woods, and true enough, the King's army has set forth into yet another battle.
"Why do the poor souls sacrifice themselves for an unending war? Nothing has changed over the past 2 generations. Everyone is just fighting and fighting, for some, it's perhaps to see their faces in the obituaries!" he laughs.
"But this war is...senseless. Unless something breaks the status quo, people will continue to die without a cause."
With this realisation, the young wizard now has a new mission - to discover the weaknesses of each of the other Six Kingdoms, so that the mindless fighting will stop, before more of his friends are lost to a battle seemingly without cause.
*****
That's part one of a series I might not even continue. My writing's really rusty; it's been awhile since I actually wrote narratives. See if you can spot certain ideas that I'm trying to bring across. I borrowed a 'concept' from 1984. Happy reading.
Transient
Almost everything in the world is.
We are not supposed to build our lives on these things, isn't it so? We're supposed to store up things that are eternal. Why then are the foundations of our lives (God aside) the very things we know will decay and rot?
We know our basic foundation is God. Yet there are other things we build and prize our lives upon. No one is exempt from this. We all have 'baggages' that when lost, will make us weep and despair. The humane essentials - love, friendships, relationships, money (to some extent). These things when lost sadden us; some are even driven to extreme states because of what they have lost. We feel our lives are...incomplete and unfulfilled without them.
But the pressing question is why? Is the answer what we're trying to avoid? Being humans, we cannot be separated from humane needs, wants, desires. We need them to live. As much as our physical needs are met by food and water, these are the essential emotional foodsource that feeds our souls. We are humans - more than the physical. We are physical, emotional, spiritual, and, some would argue psychological, entities in one body - a pastiche of complex entities striving to be perfected.
And I do wonder, why is there such a void deep down. Perhaps it's due to the...'incompletion' - the lack of the emotional; the fear to trust, to feel again. Yes, I lead a sad angsty life. Boo hoo. If that's your reaction, then really, go away. Being human is just one step short of perfection, but this step is one that bridges seven storeys and is no small one. Like they say: the higher you are, the harder you fall. I've picked myself up, dusted my cloak, and nursed my wounds. But deep down in the desert of my soul, I know I'm just so dry emotionally. It's been quite some time since I last cried. I feel myself breaking down soon.
And you know what? It's the holidays! I have no end of gloom and misery - such is the price to pay for being me.
We are not supposed to build our lives on these things, isn't it so? We're supposed to store up things that are eternal. Why then are the foundations of our lives (God aside) the very things we know will decay and rot?
We know our basic foundation is God. Yet there are other things we build and prize our lives upon. No one is exempt from this. We all have 'baggages' that when lost, will make us weep and despair. The humane essentials - love, friendships, relationships, money (to some extent). These things when lost sadden us; some are even driven to extreme states because of what they have lost. We feel our lives are...incomplete and unfulfilled without them.
But the pressing question is why? Is the answer what we're trying to avoid? Being humans, we cannot be separated from humane needs, wants, desires. We need them to live. As much as our physical needs are met by food and water, these are the essential emotional foodsource that feeds our souls. We are humans - more than the physical. We are physical, emotional, spiritual, and, some would argue psychological, entities in one body - a pastiche of complex entities striving to be perfected.
And I do wonder, why is there such a void deep down. Perhaps it's due to the...'incompletion' - the lack of the emotional; the fear to trust, to feel again. Yes, I lead a sad angsty life. Boo hoo. If that's your reaction, then really, go away. Being human is just one step short of perfection, but this step is one that bridges seven storeys and is no small one. Like they say: the higher you are, the harder you fall. I've picked myself up, dusted my cloak, and nursed my wounds. But deep down in the desert of my soul, I know I'm just so dry emotionally. It's been quite some time since I last cried. I feel myself breaking down soon.
And you know what? It's the holidays! I have no end of gloom and misery - such is the price to pay for being me.
Cause amd Effect
We all know it, just that more often than not it slips our minds - everything we do has consequences. The effects of our actions vary from end to end of the spectrum. By God's Grace we may be let off lightly, or we could incur the wrath of a 7 generation plague.
I feel I belong to the latter group. I'm still living, paying the debts of something that lives in the past. Why can't sleeping dogs lie and just leave me alone. Why are the ghosts of past mistakes so big and eternal that no matter how far I run, they always find and haunt me?
It's been about a year now, and things look so different. I'm giving myself less than two weeks; then it's over. By the end, it's make or break. But with everything happening around me, the only outcome to is be "broken, shattered inside" - lyrics off Franz Ferdinand.
God, I was always an individualist, and I know there's a time to rely on You. But this? Why? Both outcomes aren't pleasing to You, so why put me through this?
I feel I belong to the latter group. I'm still living, paying the debts of something that lives in the past. Why can't sleeping dogs lie and just leave me alone. Why are the ghosts of past mistakes so big and eternal that no matter how far I run, they always find and haunt me?
It's been about a year now, and things look so different. I'm giving myself less than two weeks; then it's over. By the end, it's make or break. But with everything happening around me, the only outcome to is be "broken, shattered inside" - lyrics off Franz Ferdinand.
God, I was always an individualist, and I know there's a time to rely on You. But this? Why? Both outcomes aren't pleasing to You, so why put me through this?
Monday, November 07, 2005
Nightfall
It's in the stillness of the night - precisely at this hour - that I feel so alive.
I happen to believe I'm nocturnal. I'm wide awake at unearthly hours, and I'm supposed to be in school tomorrow. I guess I can't sleep. Thoughts just keep coming - wave after wave; tirelessly storming the gates of my mind, breaking through each time, causing more chaos, confusion, insecurity. They ravage through the lands, shattering the peace that once was. The towns burn on, with homes and lives being destroyed with each act that desecrates the once sacred and fertile land. Monuments that mark past momentuous milestones lay besieged under the constant and persistent blitz of attackers.
And here we lie under the stars, knowing; wondering what could be.
Do we take our chances while they last, or leave our fate to Destiny?
Oh well. I'm in the mood now. But I really should get some rest. Results, movie, track practice. Dawn's leaving for OBS tomorrow (today actually). Aww, so sad she'll miss certain...events/people (more like one person only).
Random thought: we can only live life if we love life. (Christian principles aside, it does bear truth. Think about it.)
I happen to believe I'm nocturnal. I'm wide awake at unearthly hours, and I'm supposed to be in school tomorrow. I guess I can't sleep. Thoughts just keep coming - wave after wave; tirelessly storming the gates of my mind, breaking through each time, causing more chaos, confusion, insecurity. They ravage through the lands, shattering the peace that once was. The towns burn on, with homes and lives being destroyed with each act that desecrates the once sacred and fertile land. Monuments that mark past momentuous milestones lay besieged under the constant and persistent blitz of attackers.
And here we lie under the stars, knowing; wondering what could be.
Do we take our chances while they last, or leave our fate to Destiny?
Oh well. I'm in the mood now. But I really should get some rest. Results, movie, track practice. Dawn's leaving for OBS tomorrow (today actually). Aww, so sad she'll miss certain...events/people (more like one person only).
Random thought: we can only live life if we love life. (Christian principles aside, it does bear truth. Think about it.)
Thursday, November 03, 2005
On Holiday
Yeah. They've started. It's not something I entirely look forward to. Holidays, ironically, are the times when you feel you wake up to a day of less purpose and objectives. You wake up to the freedom of not knowing what to do. I've been going out the past few days, but I haven't caught any movies of late, although I would have wanted to.
I've been quite passive lately; the realisation that something may soon happen that will tear me asunder between memory and desire. And really, I don't know what to do... I've been in a melancholic state of reflection, and if I had to power to change things, I would. It's tragic I only realised the value of certain things in their absence. For some time, their absence has been filled by the presence of other things in my life, but illusions can only exist for so long. And now I realise certain things really do mean so much more than I would like to admit.
Why I'm going through such torture - the price to pay for being different - I don't know. Really. At times, I do wish for the simple life; the good life. My life is complicated beyond belief - a pastiche of monologues, anecdotes, stories, fairy-tales. It's narrative upon narrative of tragicomical happenings, and I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's the bittersweet quality of life which intrigues me. We go through hurts and pains to know that the next happy moment tastes so much sweeter. Like someone once told me, "Life is full of happy things, you just have to find them."
Sadly, I've lost mine, and it's an irreplaceable loss...
I've been quite passive lately; the realisation that something may soon happen that will tear me asunder between memory and desire. And really, I don't know what to do... I've been in a melancholic state of reflection, and if I had to power to change things, I would. It's tragic I only realised the value of certain things in their absence. For some time, their absence has been filled by the presence of other things in my life, but illusions can only exist for so long. And now I realise certain things really do mean so much more than I would like to admit.
Why I'm going through such torture - the price to pay for being different - I don't know. Really. At times, I do wish for the simple life; the good life. My life is complicated beyond belief - a pastiche of monologues, anecdotes, stories, fairy-tales. It's narrative upon narrative of tragicomical happenings, and I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's the bittersweet quality of life which intrigues me. We go through hurts and pains to know that the next happy moment tastes so much sweeter. Like someone once told me, "Life is full of happy things, you just have to find them."
Sadly, I've lost mine, and it's an irreplaceable loss...
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Distance Barrier
Track today was good, seriously. Well, my first training after the exams, and guess what? Alvin decides to run to East Coast. 6-7km. Ran that in 32minutes, which seems quite okay for now. Did gym and other stuff after that. I'm dead beat, and I know tomorrow I'll wake up aching all over...
6-7km has been one of the longest runs I've had this year. I rarely do above 5km runs because I'm in middle-distance, and 5km is sufficient for stamina training, and speed's more vital in 800m and 1500m. Everyone can last the distance - it's whether you can complete it fast. Something that struck me from the run was how easy it was for me to give up along the route. I could have told Alvin that this wasn't for me, and ran a shorter distance. But somehow, something compelled me to push on; to break that distance barrier that I had set in my mind. The first 3km was a killer, but after winning the psychological battle up there, the next half was a piece of cake. Perseverence and mental determination - they make or break a race, especially middle and long distance ones.
Hmm, plans for tomorrow. Nothing confirmed, except that I'm still highly annoyed at a particular someone. Can anyone do something concrete for once? So many castles in the air without foundation, and sooner or later they'll fall down and bury you under the sea like Atlantis. Why do people propose so many ideas but refuse to work on them?! Goodness. The world is such an annoying place really.
It all boils down to attitude - your's sucks.
6-7km has been one of the longest runs I've had this year. I rarely do above 5km runs because I'm in middle-distance, and 5km is sufficient for stamina training, and speed's more vital in 800m and 1500m. Everyone can last the distance - it's whether you can complete it fast. Something that struck me from the run was how easy it was for me to give up along the route. I could have told Alvin that this wasn't for me, and ran a shorter distance. But somehow, something compelled me to push on; to break that distance barrier that I had set in my mind. The first 3km was a killer, but after winning the psychological battle up there, the next half was a piece of cake. Perseverence and mental determination - they make or break a race, especially middle and long distance ones.
Hmm, plans for tomorrow. Nothing confirmed, except that I'm still highly annoyed at a particular someone. Can anyone do something concrete for once? So many castles in the air without foundation, and sooner or later they'll fall down and bury you under the sea like Atlantis. Why do people propose so many ideas but refuse to work on them?! Goodness. The world is such an annoying place really.
It all boils down to attitude - your's sucks.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Life
I never thought I'd say this, but...
Life sucks.
Seriously. At least mine does. It's become such a drag.
And it's getting harder to hold on to You and all You said... It's so hard to be what other's expect me to be? I'm not a conformist, but that's how it is in certain systems isn't it?
It's at a point where I dare not expect or want anything from anyone anymore. I just get disappointed over and over. I feel the faith I had in people was never repaid. Yes I expect it to. My time and efforts are investments, and I expect a return, or least for certain people to learn and grow. Is that too much? Leading well is hard; too hard sometimes. I'm 15 and sometimes I think no one realises it. As much as they try to treat us as adults, the fact is we aren't. We need time... And here I am paying for someone else's lack of responsibility.
...and at times like this I remember someone and what the person would say. But I don't know that person anymore. We're just strangers now.
Life sucks.
Seriously. At least mine does. It's become such a drag.
And it's getting harder to hold on to You and all You said... It's so hard to be what other's expect me to be? I'm not a conformist, but that's how it is in certain systems isn't it?
It's at a point where I dare not expect or want anything from anyone anymore. I just get disappointed over and over. I feel the faith I had in people was never repaid. Yes I expect it to. My time and efforts are investments, and I expect a return, or least for certain people to learn and grow. Is that too much? Leading well is hard; too hard sometimes. I'm 15 and sometimes I think no one realises it. As much as they try to treat us as adults, the fact is we aren't. We need time... And here I am paying for someone else's lack of responsibility.
...and at times like this I remember someone and what the person would say. But I don't know that person anymore. We're just strangers now.
Three
Edlyn left for Shanghai today. And I totally forgot to drop her an sms or call before she left. I'm such a wonderfully nice person. Oh well, did eventually drop her an sms but she received it only upon touch-down.
Track today was cancelled due to the rain. Argh. Simply annoying. Did run during PE today though. Apparently we should've been playing ball games but due to our terrible fitness level, we had to run. Did 1.9km in less than 8minutes. Rather slow comfortable (almost warm-up) pacing. And somehow I managed to come in first. I should be rewarded for participating in such nonsense; like I definitely am so unfit that I will fail my 2.4km run next year. Right. If I get anything below 9minutes next year I'll scream.
I'm a celebrity. How nice. Classmates are making stupid videos of me in class. I never knew stoning in class was worth filming and making into a movie...
Speaking of school-related issues, I got a 3.67 (and 3.72 with IS) Grade Point Average for my whole year's work. Like, thanks alot you people who love exams. The supposedly little 40% pulled my GPA down by 0.7 at least. I had no As at all, proving that my 40% rubbish marks undid all my work for Math, History, Social Studies, and Geog. Dropped a band just because of one exam. Sciences were alright, GPA of 4 for each of them. I have to choose my combination by tomorrow...
Track today was cancelled due to the rain. Argh. Simply annoying. Did run during PE today though. Apparently we should've been playing ball games but due to our terrible fitness level, we had to run. Did 1.9km in less than 8minutes. Rather slow comfortable (almost warm-up) pacing. And somehow I managed to come in first. I should be rewarded for participating in such nonsense; like I definitely am so unfit that I will fail my 2.4km run next year. Right. If I get anything below 9minutes next year I'll scream.
I'm a celebrity. How nice. Classmates are making stupid videos of me in class. I never knew stoning in class was worth filming and making into a movie...
Speaking of school-related issues, I got a 3.67 (and 3.72 with IS) Grade Point Average for my whole year's work. Like, thanks alot you people who love exams. The supposedly little 40% pulled my GPA down by 0.7 at least. I had no As at all, proving that my 40% rubbish marks undid all my work for Math, History, Social Studies, and Geog. Dropped a band just because of one exam. Sciences were alright, GPA of 4 for each of them. I have to choose my combination by tomorrow...
Monday, October 24, 2005
Four
...more days till the end of term and the start of the two month long holiday.
No, I'm not looking forward to it. Apparently I'm up to my neck in 'other-ness' for the holidays that I have no plans for myself. I've to meet up with my cell members, plan certain outings, confirm whether there is going to be a chalet (much talk, nothing done), and more.
Then there are projects to be completed, and knowing my classmates, they'll only start 3 days before school starts. It's annoying frankly.
Everything around is so chaotic. There seems to be no time for rest at all, despite it being much deserved. And no, friendships in which I once found solace cease to exist. Friends are moving on to different things in life, and our paths no longer cross. Some might literally be moving on...
And there's always the transition to a new ministry - yet another change. I can't be open about how I feel, because as usual, any deviation from excitement is heresy and I will be charged with not setting a good example and misleading other people. I shall just bottle up and drown then, without any air to breathe.
Systems are flawed; some more than others. Why do we even strive for a utopian world? Is there really anything better out there or is it just another illusion? Utopias don't exist, but we always try to hit the next nearest target - being near-perfect. But everything is merely a matter of perspective isn't it?
So many things to say, but I will practice self-censorship.
One day I will move abroad to pursue my dreams. The climate here is simply not for me.
No, I'm not looking forward to it. Apparently I'm up to my neck in 'other-ness' for the holidays that I have no plans for myself. I've to meet up with my cell members, plan certain outings, confirm whether there is going to be a chalet (much talk, nothing done), and more.
Then there are projects to be completed, and knowing my classmates, they'll only start 3 days before school starts. It's annoying frankly.
Everything around is so chaotic. There seems to be no time for rest at all, despite it being much deserved. And no, friendships in which I once found solace cease to exist. Friends are moving on to different things in life, and our paths no longer cross. Some might literally be moving on...
And there's always the transition to a new ministry - yet another change. I can't be open about how I feel, because as usual, any deviation from excitement is heresy and I will be charged with not setting a good example and misleading other people. I shall just bottle up and drown then, without any air to breathe.
Systems are flawed; some more than others. Why do we even strive for a utopian world? Is there really anything better out there or is it just another illusion? Utopias don't exist, but we always try to hit the next nearest target - being near-perfect. But everything is merely a matter of perspective isn't it?
So many things to say, but I will practice self-censorship.
One day I will move abroad to pursue my dreams. The climate here is simply not for me.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Untitled
So I try to hold on to a time when nothing mattered...
Perhaps there is some truth even in the songs we feel are below us.
The world corrupts, and innocence is a value long gone. Strangely enough, I feel drawn to it... Oh well...
Woke at 12 in the afternoon today, after phone calls last night. Certain people send extremely weird smses I swear. _____ & _____. Yeah right. Wasting smses just to send two names, repeated throughout, to me to annoy me. What rubbish.
I feel like going for a run. I feel unfit; I'm becoming fat. How terribly dreadful. I might go pool later. Oh yeah, I need to call Bronson...
Perhaps there is some truth even in the songs we feel are below us.
The world corrupts, and innocence is a value long gone. Strangely enough, I feel drawn to it... Oh well...
Woke at 12 in the afternoon today, after phone calls last night. Certain people send extremely weird smses I swear. _____ & _____. Yeah right. Wasting smses just to send two names, repeated throughout, to me to annoy me. What rubbish.
I feel like going for a run. I feel unfit; I'm becoming fat. How terribly dreadful. I might go pool later. Oh yeah, I need to call Bronson...
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