I Lied

I'm back here once again.

I don't suppose anyone reads this, so this should probably be private, though I'll never know for sure. I guess I'll take the chance anyway.

It's been hell, really. I think one word will be the bane of my existence - commitment. I'm tired from everything. I'm tired from serving in church; I no longer see a point in doing so. My passion just isn't there anymore. And the admin matters behind closed doors just kill any passion you had which caused you to start in the first place. And people nowadays are just ungrateful (insert word here). I will not be self-righteous and say I can serve without recognition and be content with just knowing that what I do is the right thing. It's too idealistic, really. Deep down we all want to be appreciated, to know that what we're doing is worth it. At times, I wish self-validation would suffice, and thankfully it still does, to a certain extent.

And I think I'm spiralling downwards. I'm feeling my lowest now this year, when everything seems to be going well. Such in the constant contrast between appearance and reality.

No I'm not going on an emo rant about how life sucks. That's just stupid, really.

I think what I want right now is freedom - freedom from judgment, freedom from commitments, freedom from myself. It's strange, but true. I feel so imprisoned, so tied down, so repressed (and no, it's not sexual desires). I just want to escape from this for a while, to take a break from all that I have to do. It's starting to wear me down.

I guess I need to spend time with God. Just shut myself in, and just let go in His Presence. Honestly, it's been so long since I've felt that freedom. I've been caught up with serving, giving, but not receiving.

And I'm thankful for all the friends around:

Bronson: for taking time off on Sunday to meet me for dinner, no matter how short. It was surprising, really. But I suppose best friends never fail you when you need them the most. Thanks for just listening, and being there. Love you bro.

Rachael: for the constant smses of encouragement, and the sharing of our struggles in CF/ SFC. It's not easy, but we'll pull through. You've been someone I can openly share with, and we're almost in similar situations, and I thank God for placing you in my life.

Charmaine: for being my poke-person. Haha. No seriously, just having you around makes life simple, nice and not stressful. You're like my real life stressball, except I poke you. (: Thanks for being there and listening to me even though you have that "I'm lost" expression most of the time. AND YOU ARE SCANDALOUS NO9.

Joanna: you may not know it, but you're the only one who really made me smile this weekend. How you know I'm not feeling good even though I don't talk to you much still astounds me. Thanks for just putting that smile back on my face, with your random msgs. The unpredictability of it all is perhaps the best part of it.

Chloe: for noticing the small things others don't, and for just being there when I need someone. You're never there in my glorious moments, but you're there when I fall and need someone there to pick up me. Most importantly, thank you for believing in me. You were the one who taught me to believe - in others and in myself.