Giving Unreservedly

Let me pen down my thoughts on something. I desperately need to get it out of my system.

Maybe I thought of being nice today, and stayed back to wait for someone after school. I texted the person to call me when she's done with lessons and all. 4.30pm - the bell rang, signaling the end of the day. I called. No response.

I waited, and called another 7 times. Still no response. By the time it was 5pm, I decided to leave school but take my fury back home with me.

On the way back, I rationalised what could have happened. Maybe she was busy. But why couldn't she pick up the phone? A whole stream of thoughts crossed my mind, and none seemed to justify my half hour spent waiting, plus the hour I spent doing nothing because I wanted to wait.

And it turns out she ended PW at 6.30pm, and couldn't pick up the phone as she was rushing work. Does it all seem justified to you?

You know, it does. You would agree. I had no right to get angry. Really. If anything, it was my choice to wait. She never agreed to anything. It was my initiative.

And you know what? Initiatives are one sided things. Reciprocated they make someone's day, unreciprocated and they tear your world apart. But at the end of the day, it is my fault. Definitely. No one could blame her as she never agreed to anything.

And at the end of it all, I waited, and all she had to say was, "It's okay."

Damn you it's not okay.

Why is there always a bloody price to give unreservedly? Yes, once again it risks getting hurt and being disappointed. But you have no one to blame but yourself, because you tried to. It was never an agreement.

And just yesterday I said I'd try to do so. I just can't take it. Seriously. I think this is killing me.

When everything's good, it's ever so smooth sailing, and you feel on top of the world. Yet when things go wrong, it never rains but pours. Why? I can't figure it out. I can't figure you out. Maybe I don't know myself. Maybe I'm not ready.

So many fears and insecurities at present. This is more than I can handle. And this is why I'll lift my eyes to You Lord. I'll let you take control. I guess I haven't really been doing that.

Into Your Hand
I commit again
With all I am
For You Lord

Psalm 139:24
"See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."