She Said, She Said, She Said Why Don't You Just Drop Dead

Goodness. This is not good. I'm getting as emotional as the pms-ing population of the world. Okay, that was mean. But I'm sure I've made my point.

Despite the supposed light-heartedness of it all, I find myself getting increasingly affected and disturbed by certain...individuals. I don't even know why. It's just the mention of them or their presence that makes me really uncomfortable. It somehow just ticks me off.

I know we're supposed to be forgiving and all, but that has never really been my strong point. But looking back, I am reminded of the pride someone laid down to apologise for my sake (not to me), and I'm wondering why can't I do the same. It's not nice when you bottle up too much. You end up cracking and that's not really a good thing now, is it?

I think my vocabulary has been severely affected by Math. I'm typing like... a kid of sorts? Oh nevermind. I suppose kids are more innocent than we all are, and innocence is such an attractive quality, especially in a world so perverse and corrupt.

But really, I've found it an increasing struggle of late to make a stand for what I believe in. I'm not acting like I should be, and it's unknowingly become a part of me. I guess there are things that I need to change. If you told me I would be like this one year ago, I'd tell you you're insane. That's how much I've changed, and it's been oh-so-subtle.

And yes, there's the growing discontentment with regard to a specific area of my life which I appear highly involved in. It seems I'm perennially at odds with those people. I sense, somewhat, a prejudice starting to build up. It only happens to me, and not other people who go through the same thing. Someone once told me there are always two viewpoints to a matter - you can take it positively, or negatively. By natural instinct, I would react negatively and get all worked up about the whole issue. Yet, something deep down tells me to hang on, as there's more that's worth staying on for.

And the inner conflict ensues...

Leaving

"That was what gave me the impetus to do this - to do what I should have done millenia ago. Perhaps this is the ultimate freedom, eh, Dreamlord? The freedom to leave."

"I thought that we would fight, Prince Lucifer."

"Fight? No. No fighting. I'm tired of fighting Morpheus."

"But your responsibilities?"

"I have no responsibilities - not any more."

-- Dialogue between Dream and Lucifer, Season of Mists.



"I told him that there was always freedom. Even the ultimate freedom - the freedom to leave. You don't have to stay anywhere forever."

-- Lucifer to Delirium, The Kindly Ones.

Slow Dance

This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

Shiny Happy People

And suddenly, all my problems fade into insignificance.

You know I'll be there for you, even if it kills me.

There's no hiding when it comes to you.

*****

Shout Your Fame was good. I guess they gave their all, and should be proud of themselves. I'm not disappointed that I didn't make it. The practises would have killed me with my schedule. I spent the morning studying Geog, and I'm off to Serene on Youth Day to study again. How fun.

Stuff happened later, and sometimes I ask if I expect too much of myself. Is it too much to do so, or is it just a matter of stepping out from where I am?

put it in your heart where tomorrow shines

Fade Into Existence

Rather paradoxical title there. Go figure it out yourself.

And it's at times like this I re-evaluate my life; sometimes you just want to die.

There are things worth living for. I'm not some suicidal maniac. But somethings things just wear you down so bad. It's the re-emergence of issues and conditions from the past.

Those thoughts are getting more frequent now. It's only a matter of time before the string snaps on it's own; the Fates don't need to cut it for me. I'm hearing voices in my head now.

jump

Renewal

New perspectives, new goals. That's the beginning of Term 3 for me. There's still the constant (and ever-growing) desire to get out of where I am at the end of the year. Marcus is right. There's just this undercurrent of envy and suspicion beneath the warm and friendly, familial atmosphere. I swear it spreads down from the staff to the students. It may not be blatantly obvious, but if you're observant enough, the signs do show.

1) Can I make it out? Considering I'm not taking my Os, I suppose I need to do well for my EOYs.

2) Can I make it out? Will they accept me?

The former's more of a personal challenge. The latter's external circumstances beyond my control.

Sis kindly went over the points needed to make it into the different streams in different schools. TJC Arts Stream: 16 points! (9 more than the Science Stream) VJC Arts Stream: 6. RJC Arts Stream: 5. Now one does wonder whether it might have been worth it to take the Os, and hopefully get into RJC and wake up later. It's much nearer to my place. Much.

Prospects of AC or SA seem decent enough.

Chemistry today was alright. I think I'm still prone to having an information overload though. It's in my head, and all the answers come at once and I just freak out and forget stuff. I'm serious! Oh well. Math tomorrow. I'm done with Differentiation. Integration's a killer. Study session with Sis over the phone later. Not sure how effective that'll be though. Hopefully Math A and Math B are combined. P&C and Probability shouldn't pose too much of a challenge. Aiming for an 80% on that paper. I have started aiming above myself now. Study hard, put in more effort (not the bare mininum needed to get a good grade), and I should go places. Speaking of places, Beale, Marc and I were discussing scholarships and all today. It's just strange. The different callings and ambitions we have, and how far we're willing to go in our studies and then there's God's Calling. Complicated issues really. One can only pray and watch.

Life After Genesis

The mass exodus begins...

High School Musical

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

******

I have lost my sanity and reached Nirvana.

Work work work work work work work work work...

Joanna's shocked I haven't finished my work. I shall pretend I never knew about the Math Assignments. And I owe Marcus Tan a Biopolis blog.

Welcome to the first day of hell.

I wonder, is it possible to transfer out of TJC after this year? Leonard wants to go to CJC. I'm thinking of joining the church people at ACJC or SAJC. Hmmm. 2 questions: is it allowed and can I make the cut. Finally, some goal to aim for.

Lessons Learnt

You showed me grace.

You taught me humility.

Thank you.

Sometimes, life's most important lessons come in the most unexpected forms.

Time Off

A change in blog address leads to a subsequent change in theme of the blog.

It's been (so far) a terrible holiday. There is still work left undone, projects to complete, people to meet up with (do I still care?) and more to be done...

Time - they say it waits for no man, no one. I find it strange that I'm rambling on about the significant lack of it, when I have decent time management skills. I'm more frustrated due to the situations and circumstances which are beyond my control, those which elude all form of pre-empting and planning for and against.

Of late, a certain someone's starting to irk me. (Not for the first time, I'm sure.) I mean really, even if you are forced to step down, must you make a fuss out of it? Yes, I'm sure being crafty and manipulative; toying with the feelings of those who were placed under your charge and care will help your cause. If you're leaving, leave quietly. But I suppose now it's all about you. Wait, it always was, wasn't it? It was never about others you meant to serve. It was all about furthering your own gains and glory. And there is the one. I swear, if anything happens, you will pay ever so dearly... You kick up a fuss about leaving. You tell everyone when it's supposed to be a quiet affair, hoping they will stir up some protest and tell everyone they want you back. However, you've failed. You're wrong; they want you gone.

Coded

australiathreejapanoneanditsthelanddownunderwhichnoonewantstoremember

alexander downing

substitutions

weddings and marriage

20something plus 20

giveupandsleepifyougiveupandsleep

30 or 31 days

dorsal

of mothers and boyfriends

nobreakupssowestaythesame
o
six to two

candy

hearts

radars sleep trust

order of names

tenabsencemakestheheartgrowfonder

hugshugsback

eightthirty

messages

lovesandgoodbyes

Czechs and Italians

The Czech Republic beat USA 3-0.

Italy are one up against a spirited Ghanian side. 45minutes to go.

And I'm too bothered to sleep. It's those thoughts that plagued me a year back.

Strange. Samantha's online and she said hi.

when everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Cold Weather and I'm Losing My Hotness

I am desperately trying to retain my hotness, and thus have resorted to putting on a jacket at home. Stef's taking ages to get over here so we can go play pool.

In response to recent blog posts with regards to Sentosa: please stop displaying pictures of my oh-so-hot butt. It's not very nice you know.

Bronson could be a model. Yong Jin could advertise for maids, but 7-up isn't his cup of tea.

I can walk. Beware.

Sis is 1/5 of the way through my brilliant game show. How she got 2000 points in 2 days I have no idea. It's not really fun when you think no one knows about wedding dresses, arts and science, movie scenes, but randomness decides otherwise.

I'm falling sick. Pray for me. You know you'd die without me.

The phone vibrates. A phone vibrates. I've got the wrong one.

I'm off to party now.

dance dance

Why

So many times we ask ourselves "why?"

"Why did He have to die?"

Here's why...

Of Love

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

--Kahlil Gibran

Screams are Music to My Ears

Presenting: songs that hold some semblance of meaning in my life at present. (I'll update this soon.)

Welcome to Wherever You Are
by Bon Jovi

Maybe we're all different but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You're caught between just who you are and who you want to be

If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in and you're left out
And you feel you're drowning in the shadow of a doubt
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say

When it's seems you're lost, alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different; just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be

Be who you want to be
Be who you are
Everyone's a hero
Everyone's a star

When you want to give up and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect; God makes no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be

Irked

I think the teenage hormonal angst syndrome my peers suffer from is getting to me. I'm starting to get bogged down by the little nuances of idiocy displayed when it comes to comprehending life, and living it. Granted, it is the period of your life where you are (supposedly) entitled to be moody, angsty, and you don't give two hoots about life and wish you would die.

It's just starting to irk me. I know it shouldn't. It really shouldn't be, but still...

So what are the causes of them wanting to stop living? Fights with parents, squabbles with friends, bad exam results, lack of companionship, and the like. It does make me question - is life all about that to them? Since life is not worth living without those things, are those the essentials that they need for life and contentment? It astounds me each time I try to understand what exactly went wrong and why they get so worked up over it.

Another reason I cannot realy grasp is that "life sucks". This is often coupled with the explanation "it just does". I am guessing that these people live on highs (emotional, physical, spiritual), and need a constant surge of endorphins through their bodies, lest they feel miserable and crumble and die, and remain lost and forgotten in time.

Perhaps it's been a time for me to re-assess what life is to me. I've been going through a period where death and its sickly grasp have been strangling the life out of those around me, and some may soon pass on. In the face of such adversity and conflict, it is where one truly discovers what life is, and how to live it.

Looking back, I have built my castles and fortresses, but is that my legacy? It's not a quest for fame - to be remembered. It's a quest to live and know you've made a difference. That's what someone (possibly unknowningly) taught me. The quest to impact, change and transform lives. And more often than not, we seek to start our own revolutions, hoping our names would be placed in books of time, next to Washington, Napoleon, Mao, Stalin, Hitler. It eventually leads us on to a power struggle. We try to amass all the power, wealth, and influence we can. We aspire to present a global image; to be the next Bill Gates.

But I've come to see beyond that, for it is what you've shown me. Making a difference isn't a revolution; it starts with the little things in life. It starts with the small little things that make people around us smile. It starts in the morning by saying "thank you" to your mother for making breakfast and getting up early. This is followed by saying hello to various schoolmates and smiling at them, brightening up what would have been another gloomy day in school. It's about noticing the suffering a friend is going through, through the signals that we're all too busy to take note of. It's about meeting your neighbour on the way home, and greeting them. It's about sharing your day with school over dinner, instead of observing half an hour of nothing but silence, and so much more. It's these little things in life that make people special and set apart. Sure, Bill Gates revolutionised the world with Microsoft. But he has done nothing for me, personally. He's not going to be on my mind when I ponder the last moments of my life as the memories flash back.

But I'll remember the one who taught me love, and showed me that it's the little things that matter. I must concede that such innocence is alluring, especially in such a perverse world as this.

Rant

Here's your once in a lifetime chance to hear me bitch, so listen good.

Sean Png Zhong Ting's an arrogant, stuck-up (insert explitive here). What the heck is wrong with him seriously? So okay, Hon Boon made a mistake, but must you diss him that badly?! Must you criticise him just because he's not as good as you? It's a TEAM GAME you bloody idiot! When Jonathan makes a mistake, do you see Beale dissing him? No, Beale encourages him, and that's how you build TEAM SPIRIT.

I've had it with your over-competetiveness and pride already. Let's see how long the floorball team tolerates your oh-so-wonderful attitude. And trust me, I will take up your challenge and take you down. You want to push me, so be it. You've just begged me to humiliate you and totally make you wish you were never born.

Let's see you die come NAPFA. You think you're really fast? Let's see who gets the faster timing for our shuttle runs and 2.4km. If I can beat Han Wee's timing for shuttle run, you're a piece of cake. Let's face it, you can't sprint. So that's the first revelation that you're not freaking perfect. Can you beat my 8.5 seconds when I'm sick? I highly doubt it. Do you have a sub-8 minute personal best for 2.4km? I doubt it too. So just shut up already. You want to make me repeat that, then I will. I'll train my June holidays away just to shove it in your face.

Your attitude sucks big time, and don't think that just because Beale and all don't say anything that it's fine and they adore you. Face it, Lee Tat, Keng Sheng and I have had enough of you turning us against each other, and your sucking up to people better than you and insulting those you don't deem good.

You just wait... I'll destroy you.

Tags and Such

1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of his/her perfect lover.
2. Mention the gender of his/her perfect lover.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this "game" and leave a comment on their blog.
4. If you are tagged the SECOND time, there's no need to go this again.
5. The most important thing: HAVE FUN DOING IT!

Why I do such stupid things, I have no idea. Blame Chermaine. So here goes.

Gender: Female (I'm straight, believe it.)

8 Points:
1) Love God (standard you might say, but there's more to it...)
2) Smile (smiling is good, really. It just brightens my day. Perhaps it's the influence of someone...)
3) Preferably do sports. (Well, keeping fit is good.)
4) Must get along with people I hang out with. (Just be comfortable among my friends, and not hog me all the time. I need my space too.)
5) Don't be stupid. (Don't have to be a genius, but have a semblance of intellect yeah?)
6) Have loads of time to listen to me rant, especially when I get exceptionally pissed.
7) Have a sense of humour. (Don't be boring.)
8) Wants the best from me, but not perfection. (Best for me works well too!)

8 People:
Just do it if you want to.

Bored-um

Quizzles off Twin's blog. I'm definitely bored.

the friend who lives nearest to you-
` my turtle.

the friend you've known longest-
` tim.

the friend who was your enemy before-
` how quaint, i shall not say. haha.

the friend you usually go shopping with
` bronson. (grounded for the Os mean i haven't gone shopping in ages.)

the friend you usually tell your problems to
` sis.

the friend you usually meet for meals
` sis, cherm.

the friend you last met
` beale, in school.

the friend you last talked to
` cherm, on msn now.

the friend you last talked to on the phone
` cherm. (this is starting to look wrong.)

the friend you hugged
` dawn. (mother's day hug. X:)

the friend you last went out with
` mark.

the friend you last cried with
` i haven't cried in ages. i think it should be with sis.

the friend you last said sorry to
` sis.

the friend you are thinking of right now
` -grins.

the friend you can't wait to see
` -grins.

the friend whose presence you dearly miss
` -grins.


Spell your name without vowels:
sc (?!?!?)

How many pairs of jeans do you own?
5 or 6.

What color do you wear most?:
blue/black/white.

Least favorite color?:
don't have one i think.

Last song heard?
lifesong, casting crowns.

What's for dinner tonite?:
rice and stuff.

Are you happy with your life right now?:
can i say no for a really stupid reason? haha.

Tell me a secret about one of your
siblings:
he's ermm, small, and tiny, and really small, and NOT cute. (:

Anyone ever said you resemble a
celebrity?
yeah. ashton!

Who did you last call on your cell phone?:
kenneth.

In what state or country do you want to go
to school after highschool?:
no idea.

How do you make money?
ask.

Last thing you bought over 50 dollars?:
sandman comics / someone's birthday stuff.

How's the weather?:
windy.

When do you start Summer Break?:
in a few days.

Are you missing someone right now?:
-grins.

One word to describe you:
hot&sexy (bronson's phone X:) haha, nah. intellectual.

Favorite pair of shoes:
high heels? right. nike dunks i suppose.

Do you own big sunglasses?:
no.

What would you rather be doing right
now?:
scand- i mean daydreaming. yeah.

What are you doing right now?:
chatting, listening to music, neglecting bio report, doing this.

Last IM you recieved?:
cherm.

Last message you recieved?:
something about running out of smses and talking to me online.

Who did you hug today?
my turtle.

What are you going to do now?
continue doing what i was doing? lol.


Don't you think cheese is the most
awesome word ever?
ermm, no. isaac is.

Why does your life suck?
it does? it doesn't have a mouth.

Another reason?
it doesn't because i say so.

Don't you just love it when your friends
give you hugs?
from special people only, then yeah.

If you were about to die, what would your
last words be?
(insert name here.) after all, i typed it 24 times in a message.

Why do moms like to vacuum right when
you are watching TV?
to annoy me? -shrugs.

So what did you eat today?
rice, bread. i skipped lunch. X:

Was it good?
i suppose...

Have you ever eaten a buggy?
no. then i'd ruin the food chain, and a spider might die of hunger. so no.

So how do you like them books?
welcome to my library of dreams.

Best time of the day to take these stupid
quizzes?
when i'm bored.

Anyway... what's up?
up is 2/3 of a fizzy drink.

What color do you like lamps to be?
orange!

Love and all that Crap

Who do you like right now?
-grins.

Who do you like?
-grins. err, i don't know. smiley people since i'm grinning?

Just tell us already!
okay... i like you. yeah you. -points.

Why is love such a waste of time?
more often than not, it's unrequited, and we find it hard to let go, and we get hurt.

Doesn't breaking up just suck?
err, no.

Longest conversation you've had with your
honeybun:
aren't those for eating?

When was the last time your parents gave
you the "sex talk"?
HAHAHA. i skipped the school one to go watch netball. eeps. oh nevermind.

Did it end up like everyone screaming
and knives being thrown?
ermm, no?

Why don't most parents get along with
their kids' boy./gitl friends?
how'd i know? ask them.

So come on.. You gonna tell me who
you like NOW?
yeaps. you. be happy.

Ever had a dream about dating one of
your friends?
i guess. dating means going out with. don't think so much. i date bronson.

Ever thought that you might not be
straight?
-grins.

Ever rejected someone?
i feel mean, but yeah.

Why? Were they pretty enough for you?
...looks aren't everything. more often than not, the person's too perfect for us.

Don't you just hate it when your
boy/girlfriend dumps you for someone else?
how'd i know?

Who was your crush in 5th grade?
ermm, what's fifth grade? pri sch? i'm very young and innocent okay!

Did they ever like you back?
i think so.

A BUNCH OF FAMILY CRAP QUESTIONS

How often does your mommy get mad at
you?
random timings, so i have no idea.

Who ends up slamming the door, and
who ends up
crying?
i don't slam doors.

Why do dads always seem to be the nice
guy?
what nonsense.

Last time you and your parents got
along?
at present.

Last time your parents talked to you
about drugs and smoking?
never, though i'm addictive, like they are.

Favorite thing to do with your family?
play games/cards.

Don't you just love grandparents?
i guess.

Does anyone in your family actually get
along?
yeah.

Who in your family has the worst
relationship?
what worst relationship? it takes two, so it can't be a 'who'. this question is bad.

If your parents found out you have a
friendster, would they be really pissed?
err, i don't. and i don't think so.

Do you still get grounded?- How often?
nope. never been, never will.

Ever get jealous of your cousins and how
much better their family is?
bloody boats on the bahamas!! haha.

Ever hear the story of how you were
conceived?
yeah, i brought smiles to everyone's faces and i was much loved.