Be My Valentine

I'm sleepy, so pardon the rather cliched title.

Valentine's Day will be over in about an hour and a half, and I must say that it's been a enjoyable four days giving and receiving gifts in church and school. Here's a shoutout to those who gave me gifts: Thanks. Received several notes/letters, flowers, a bottle of stars (I wonder who...), and of course, alot of chocolate. I think I'll get fat soon. And there's Road Run on Saturday. That clashes with the ACJC funfair. I need to think of a way to split myself in two...

The saying that it is better to give than to receive just hit home. I think I've spent alot of money, time and effort on gifts this year, and the strange thing is that I'm contented; seeing the momentary displays of joy and surprise on faces make it worthwhile.

And this applies to more than the physical dimention of things; it applies to the emotional and intangibles as well. So often I find myself giving so much of myself; spending time with people, writing letters of encouragement to the cell members, spending hours late into the night preparing birthday gifts, and I often think to myself, "Is it worthwhile?"

Someone once told me that we give out of love. To some extent, I'm glad that He's placed His Heart in me, to love like others do. Yet more often than not, the love that we give is unrequited. Not just love (eros as we know it), but also love in terms of friendships and relationships. We give more than we receive, and after long periods of time, we get tired; physically, mentally, emotionally drained.

I constantly wonder why I do what I do - why I still give despite not getting equal dues. And in certain cases, manipulated, used, and ending up hurt. I'm close to the belief that modernity and capitalist society so strongly advocates self-profit that there are few who care for others at all. People have told me that it's just my nature, and that I'm living in a fantasy; that out there, I will never survive in a cut-throat, dog-eat-dog, capitalist, self-absorbed (just look at the majority of my peers) cultural society.

But am I to conform to live life as society would definte it? Am I to become the very being I detest and abhor? I've played dirty before; meddled in politics; taken people down. And you can call it retribution that I've been on the receiving end of that as well. And I do understand how it feels, and it's not that people don't know the hurts that they cause. It's the shocking egocentric creeds that "as-long-as-I-don't-get-hurt-it's-fine". No one stands up for what is right anymore. Integrity and moral values are (possibly) a thing of the past now. They no longer cease to exist.

Decadence reigns supreme today. Social entropy devours all that exist and coverts them to be its minions that are harbingers of destruction.

It's a world that reeks of rot and decay. But You've called me, You've given me the Strength to last this far. And I know I won't give up. There's still that greater calling in You I've yet to fulfill.