Road Run 06

I reckon I did terribly.

It all comes down to bad planning.

So many people have told me that I can always do better next year, but is it just another delusion? I've realised that so often, in my life, there isn't a next time. It's one mistake and you pay dearly for making it.

7th...

Late Nights and Road Runs

I'm up waiting for a phone call, and I shall use this time to chart my Road Run progress.

I conclude that I am very unfit and very fat; I have not attended Track trainings in ages, due to the fact that we end at 5.15pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays and by that time I would be half dead. I have not been training on my own either. So, is the Road Run a lost cause? I think not.

Here's why:
3.2km - 15minutes
3.6km - 18minutes
4.2km - 18minutes

It is perfect safe to conclude that I am fully fit are raring to go. My recent trial run timings have remained constant despite the increase in distance. I will attempt to do my 5km run in 18minutes as well. (Yeah right.)

I have bought my Snickers bars for that day. They will provide me with alot of starch to burn so I will run faster. And who knows? I might get an endorphin high as well!

Now, on to more serious matters. I have no idea why and how on earth the Delta idiots failed to include me in the teams for running. They just omitted their top three IP male runners! But then again, I'm not running for Delta; I'm running for my own glory. I've given up on representating an unworthy cause already, when all that matters is the result and the points obtained. I even commented that I'd take Rongbin's place in the Alpha team and ensure that the top 5 were from Alpha. (I'd keep the trophy of course, he'd get the team medal.)

Sometimes we need to see pasts those masks people hide behind, and it's often more than just a singular layer. If you think TJ has a 'family-like' atmosphere, think again. The product matters more than the process. It's all about image and reputation there. Marcus rightly commented that the attitudes of the staff transcend down to become attitudes students in positions pick up.

So this Saturday, I may be in a Delta shirt, but the glory I seek is for my own.

(Yes I have always been a rebel against the system.)

Be My Escape

Be My Escape
by Relient K

I’ve given up on giving up slowly
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention
It’s my one last shot at redemption
Cause I know to live you must give your life away

And I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I’ve given up on doing this alone now
Guess I failed and I’m ready to be shown out
You told me the way and now I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake (yeah)
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self-detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can’t ask you to give what you already gave.

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

Be My Valentine

I'm sleepy, so pardon the rather cliched title.

Valentine's Day will be over in about an hour and a half, and I must say that it's been a enjoyable four days giving and receiving gifts in church and school. Here's a shoutout to those who gave me gifts: Thanks. Received several notes/letters, flowers, a bottle of stars (I wonder who...), and of course, alot of chocolate. I think I'll get fat soon. And there's Road Run on Saturday. That clashes with the ACJC funfair. I need to think of a way to split myself in two...

The saying that it is better to give than to receive just hit home. I think I've spent alot of money, time and effort on gifts this year, and the strange thing is that I'm contented; seeing the momentary displays of joy and surprise on faces make it worthwhile.

And this applies to more than the physical dimention of things; it applies to the emotional and intangibles as well. So often I find myself giving so much of myself; spending time with people, writing letters of encouragement to the cell members, spending hours late into the night preparing birthday gifts, and I often think to myself, "Is it worthwhile?"

Someone once told me that we give out of love. To some extent, I'm glad that He's placed His Heart in me, to love like others do. Yet more often than not, the love that we give is unrequited. Not just love (eros as we know it), but also love in terms of friendships and relationships. We give more than we receive, and after long periods of time, we get tired; physically, mentally, emotionally drained.

I constantly wonder why I do what I do - why I still give despite not getting equal dues. And in certain cases, manipulated, used, and ending up hurt. I'm close to the belief that modernity and capitalist society so strongly advocates self-profit that there are few who care for others at all. People have told me that it's just my nature, and that I'm living in a fantasy; that out there, I will never survive in a cut-throat, dog-eat-dog, capitalist, self-absorbed (just look at the majority of my peers) cultural society.

But am I to conform to live life as society would definte it? Am I to become the very being I detest and abhor? I've played dirty before; meddled in politics; taken people down. And you can call it retribution that I've been on the receiving end of that as well. And I do understand how it feels, and it's not that people don't know the hurts that they cause. It's the shocking egocentric creeds that "as-long-as-I-don't-get-hurt-it's-fine". No one stands up for what is right anymore. Integrity and moral values are (possibly) a thing of the past now. They no longer cease to exist.

Decadence reigns supreme today. Social entropy devours all that exist and coverts them to be its minions that are harbingers of destruction.

It's a world that reeks of rot and decay. But You've called me, You've given me the Strength to last this far. And I know I won't give up. There's still that greater calling in You I've yet to fulfill.

Teachers

I have bizarre teachers. Seriously.

One plays maplestory so he is uncontactable on MSN. And he believes maplestory is a perfect way to illustrate trading and economics. He posted some picture of people trading (buying and selling) items in our Social Studies powerpoint.

Another one's narcissistic enough to fill his blog with pictures of himself. And every alternate post has mention of his girlfriend (another member of the staff in school).

So much for educators today...

Beginnings and Hope

I'm sleepy, annoyed, and possibly on the verge of depression. Really. So much for the hope that the beginning of a new week brings...

i.Do

So, i.Do's over. And once again the message of finding that unconditional love - agape - hits home so hard. And the constant struggles to get away from what I've left behind never cease.

I just don't get it. I can pray for Darryl and Joshua; that they'll leave the past behind and let God take over. He has great plans for them, that I'm sure. Yet, I just can't do the same. I just can't let go, and let God. As cliched as it is, it's something which is easier said than done.

Love fills that void - that emptiness we were born with. We all find it in different places. And many would think that as 'the boy who has everything', it will not be a struggle for me. Indeed, finding love from others isn't all that hard. And I really don't know what's wrong.

Maybe I need to start all over. Maybe the answer's in Him. Maybe that search guides me to the place I never thought of; the place I supposed grew up in. Maybe once again I need to be found in Your Arms. Maybe I need to fall in love with You.

But I'm no longer a child. I'm no longer innocent and angelic. I no longer smile like life's beautiful. My mind is clouded with cynicism, skepticism. Bacon claims to believe is to have empirical evidence, to see and to experience. I have not seen, yet I have experienced. I'm not backsliding, neither am I growing. It's just a stagnant and dry period.

The irony presents itself slowly - in two days, it's Valentine's. People will be out there celebrating and commemorating a festival of love and romance, while I will not. It's not that I don't have a date and I'm sore. It's just that I don't believe anymore. I don't believe in love. I don't believe in trust. I don't believe the world's oh-so-perfect that life after marriage is happily ever after. Nothing lasts forever, and I do mean nothing.

Once again the condition of man strikes so poignant - short, nasty, brutish, and selfish. We often miss out selfish. And selfishness leads to the eventual realisation that we are alone. That's why I enjoy times when I'm left alone.

And this blog post is probably incoherent. So if you've made it this far and understood, you might just understand me better than I do myself.

Personal Perennial Struggles

It's the weekend, and school's cut short as Bio's been postponed to next Monday, and that frees more time for me to do work. It's going to pass me by really fast...

And in getting caught up in life, I feel I'm starting to care again; I'm starting to feel again; I'm starting to return to my former self. I feel like I can trust, love, believe in people again. But yet deep down, joy turns to skepticism - for how long have these things lasted and then caused my world to come crashing down. Why am I surrounded by perennial attempts at self-delusion; that as much as I can read others, I cannot understand myself. And indeed, that is the irony of my life, my identity.

Recent issues still bother me, and I know I'm not juggling my life well, and that perhaps very soon, the variables will start spinning faster than I can handle. And really, I know once again I'll be caught up in another maelstrom - lost and confused - trying to piece my life back together.

It's not cynicism from a young mind; it's a young mind that thinks too much, reads too much, knows too much. Chloe asked me yesterday, why couldn't I be happy and contented. I've been thinking about it. There's no definite answer. I have things so many people would want, yet, there's a general sense of discontentment. There's so much that ties me down; holds me back...

I think I better get back to my project, and stop thinking too much.

Childhood Memories

Something Marcus mentioned when I visited him during Chinese New Year still echoes in my mind. He said that people nowadays, especially teens, do not seem to have a childhood. By that he doesn't mean we were never kids, but rather, we lose the joy of being young; of growing up.

And I think it's true. We accelerate things too much these days. The very programme I'm in, supposedly catered to the more intellectually adapt of the student population, seeks to prepare us for JC life at the age of 15. Strangely enough, the comprehension passage we had on Monday reverberated the same sentiments - we grow up too fast these days.

The same condition applies to me, and I presently think I'm going through a quarterlife crisis (it gets younger). I've always wanted to grow up, to be above such teenage adolescent acts, but in doing so, I've lost my childhood. I never did treasure the playgrounds in my neighbourhood, with endless lines of little children queuing up just to ride the slide down, and climb back up again. I never enjoy the pleasures of being a teenager, and often felt that 'freedom and indepedence' at this age was not for me, and this resulted in me locking myself in a cell far away from others. I never did enjoy the 'brotherhoods' formed within cliques in school, and still feel that such cliques were for people lacking identities, and who attempted to mould themselves in others' likeness.

I've grown up. I am grown up. But I've lost so much, so much that I cannot replace. Now I can only look back, and reflect, and ponder upon the 'what-ifs' of life that so often cross my path. And perhaps if not for the person who asked me to blog, I never would take time from my accelerated pace to stop and think about what I've left behind. Perhaps it's that person's very nature that brings up the stark contrast between her and myself. What matters most is that she's happy with her life (or so it seems), while I'm usually disgruntled with mine.

Charlena's right. Thinking too much makes you sad...

Validations

Where does one's self-worth come from? From what is it determined? More often than not, it is the tangibles that we possess: material goods, looks, popularity, positions, and such. And this is especially so in today's society, where people view you by what you have, not who you are inside. Self-worth is no longer determined by how you view yourself. With interconnectivity reaching its peak, the Other plays a growing part in our lives, and how they view us matter more.

This would explain the growing trend in consumer fetishism, where we desire to be the best; buy the best; look the best, merely to make others take note of our presence. Capitalism and self-profit plays the catalyst in driving modernity towards its demise, as humanity will fall when they lose themselves.

How often do we desire to hear, "Well done," said to us by our friends, teachers, parents, and feel that we have not performed up to standard when we don't? Is giving our best even enough nowadays, when a job well done is not determined by whether you are satisfied and proud of it, but whether others are pleased. The Self dimishes so that the Other can expand.

Rarely do we find people who validate us for what we are - who we are, rather than what we have. Society bears no recognition for those anyway. Very few people today value you for the characteristics and morals you uphold today, and even fewer value you for just being human, and accept your weaknesses without hurling criticism at every possible moment, but encourage you to rise up to be the best you can be.

I'm one of the fortunate few, for I have found those who value me for what I can do, and who I am to them, not for the tangibles that come with me. I have found those who value me for being Isaac, and not for being popular or whatnot. This goes out to those who saw past me today, and saw what I could be; believed in that vision and stood by me.

Surprises

Just read something that, I daresay, made me much relieved.

Why so? I have no idea. I guess it's just that things are turning out for the better?

In other matters, we had a discussion on passion during civics, and I vehemently objected to the notion that there is sufficient freedom given to us to pursue what we want. Perhaps I tend to speak up more for the things and issues I believe strongly in, and this is one of them. Several classmates were willing to compromise and change pursuits if conditions were unfavourable, but that is not my case.

I strongly believe in doing what you want to do, if it brings you meaning in life. You pursue passion(s) because of the satisfaction and to some extent, self-glorification, that they bring, not anything else. Are we that ready to compromise doing what gives us purpose and drive, and trade it all just for the illusion of security and stability? It scares me really that there is indeed a glass ceiling above our heads, and no one seems to notice it.

We are told thet sky's the limit; that with relentless believe and hard work, we can achieve what we want in life. But the Singaporean stereotype is that we want wealth and status, and for some, a loving family. But what if that is not what we want? What if all I want to to fulfill my dreams, to pursue what gives me satisfaction? I'd possibly be dubbed a social heretic; that I've lost all sense of logical reasoning and want to give up the good life set out before me.

But after all, good is a matter of perspective. The question remains though - are we willing to step out of our comfort zone, pay the price, and break free? Passion versus practicality. And in today's society, the sad truth is that pragmatism is the victor.

Sleepless in Seattle

I can't sleep.

Maybe it's because I slept from 6.40pm to about 8-ish?

Thinking about issues again. Perhaps the phone call with Dawn brought up several issues that I would have rather laid to rest. Maybe it was just a passing remark, maybe not. But why is it affecting me?

Once again the paradox of having a variety of options laid out and presented before me and the eventual realisation that there is only one way to go from here astounds me...

Memoriam

I constantly find myself in a cyclic pattern - that of remembering the past and the memories, pleasant and otherwise, that it brings.

And it's a choice I make - to remember; to exercise my ability for metacognition, reflection. And often the question I pose to myself is 'Why'? Why do I even dig so deep into the recesses in my mind to produce that memory, that inspiration to drive on?

Indeed, as I search, I stumble across visual representations of the past and the has- and had-beens: photographs. Indeed, a picture is worth a thousand words, though probably more than that is needed to perfectly recount that incident frozen in time to preserve the moment, the smiles and the joy; the sadness and sorrow.

And so I search and press on for that elusive moment that froze that instant in time, that portrait of beauty that inspires.

Quizzles

Cherm asked me to do this when I got bored. I'm presently in school and it's lunch, so there.

SE7EN things that make me smile:
(Seven?! How often do you see me smile?)
1) Sis
2) Person Number 1
3) Words said/things done by Person Number 1
4) Person Number 2
5) Words said/things done by Person Number 2
6) Send me amusing smses (like certain New Year ones...)
7) Write me a note/card

SE7EN ways to win my heart:
1) Be witty and intellectual, but not pretencious
2) Write me notes/letters
3) Make me smile (it's a sure sign?)
4) Be in Track (ermm... haha...)
5) Talk to me, make me feel important even though I'm not
6) Be able to hold meaningful, engaging conversations
7) Just be there for me

SE7EN things I believe in:
1) God
2) Myself
3) Life
4) Transience
5) Subjectivity
6) Fairies
7) Love

SE7EN things I'm afraid of:
1) The end of the world
2) Losing those I care for
3) Change
4) Hurting people
5) Person Number 3
6) Failure
7) Small enclosed spaces

SE7EN things that I do everyday:
1) Talk
2) Sms
3) Listen to music
4) Think (alot)
5) Reflect
6) Pray
7) Homework

SE7EN people I want to see right now:
1) Person Number 1
2) Person Number 2
3) Person Number 3
4) Bronson
5) Sam
6) Sis
7) Person Number 4 (don't you love this?)

*****

From my brother...

Your Ideal Partner:
1. Male Or Female
2. 8 Requirements of your ideal partner
3. Tag 8 other people and notify that they are tagged.

1. Female, unless it's Ashton Kutcher...

2. love God
hold engaging meaningful conversations
ideally someone happy-ish (to counter my pessimistic nature)
be intellectual
have alot of time to spare
help me grow in God
make me laugh
be sensitive

3) go do it on your own...

Alienation

Presently at home with nothing to do. Blogging from my Mac because my dearest brother did nothing to my MSN conversations on the computer when I left it for a moment and they disappeared like they never existed. Being him, he denies everything. Like sure, they never were there in the first place and I was actually hallucinating and not chatting with Kerry. Right.

No one seems to want to leave the house, and the rain only seems to further dampen my spirits. I think I shall go out. Leave everything behind.

At times I feel it's just me against the world out there. And I know that it's the choice I made, and I'm learning and living to stick by it, whether it is good or bad. Why I bear the burden of responsibility and morals that this decaying world only pervades and destroys I have no idea.

Yet I know that I really do not belong to this time period, this generation. I'm so different. I can blend in, and weave my webs of deception and camouflage, but I'll never be one of them. I'm proud of it, and I would not change even if the world depended on it. I long for a time more personal, where transience (though ever-present) did not have absolute control; where values and morals, integrity and responsibility would be upheld. I live by impossible standards in this time and age, and I will not change.

For most speak the language of the mind, few speak the language of the heart, but I speak the language of the soul...

Blessed

Perhaps it's time I focused less on what I've given, and looked at what I've received; not just to see how I've been a blessing, but to see how others have blessed me.

And this goes out to a specific two - more so than others.

Thank you.

Blessed

Perhaps it's time I focused less on what I've given, and looked at what I've received; not just to see how I've been a blessing, but to see how others have blessed me.

And this goes out to a specific two - more so than others.

Thank you.

The Paradox of Our Time

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals; we have more food, but less appeasement; we build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology has brought this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit "Skip Ahead"...

(An)Other

Posting after a couple of weeks spent in school. It hasn't been all that bad, just physically and mentally draining. The past weekend was spent clearing work, assignments; projects upon projects. I fear no one realises it's merely Term 1 Week 3, and that the workload will only pile up till it surpasses the Petronas Towers as the year progresses.

Still I find time to post my thoughts...

And amidst this term's discussion on the topic of Man & Science, I've realised several things.

The most pertinent one would be our desire to seek and find Others - and this transcends culture, space and time. Yet in this ever-advancing world, technology seems to be a great paradox. In the midst of the hype of wireless connectivity that transcends geographically boundaries and puts people separated by mountains, valleys, and hundreds of kilometres in touch within a matter of minutes.

Yet this is merely a farce; we may be more connected, but do we relate more? Are the bonds formed stronger, or do they strain across boundaries, such that what matters is merely the meta-physical, where dwelving into the emotional and mental recesses do not matter anymore.

And it is in such instances where we realise that we've forget to feed our senses; we've forgotten how to feel, how it's like to touch, taste, sense, and see beyond the webcams and the falsity of reality created through its microscopic lens. We forget how it's like to have and to feel the presence of someone by our side. Such a loss is perhaps the greatest tragedy of all, as the loss of feelings, emotions; turning out hearts cold and mechanical, void of feeling, will only inhibit our ability to love and to cherish.

Human relationships have been strained across the years. The need for another can been seen in attempted manifestations - Friendster, online dating, and such. We use technology as a medium to pursue relationships, but it will never be complete without the human element in it. Words typed weigh less than words spoken, and fingers brushing along each stroke of the keyboard can never replace the tactile experience of brushing against someone else on the train. We long for others, and human presence can never be replaced by technology and the facades and aliases, even alternate realities, that we create in an attempt to guise our need.

By inhibiting our sensorial development, it indirectly leads to a decline in the relationships in the community and within society. We're more connected, yet this presents the paradox of our time.

We need flesh and blood, not cold metal and steel.

Traces

A year gone, so here's a year's reflections.

We leave traces of ourselves in everything we do, everywhere we visit, everyone we encounter in life. And so often we leave irreplaceable parts of ourselves in the things and people we deem important and invaluable. Yet when these things and people move on, we often lose those parts of ourselves, and struggle ever so hard to find them, to retrieve them and bring them back to make us whole again.

And at the beginning of another cyclical calendar is often the time we spend looking back at the traces and trials we left before and behind us, hoping that the new year brings about new beginnings, new hopes, and positive changes. Yet, we know in all consciousness, though we refuse to admit it, that life is cyclical and has a history and way of repeating itself (deja vu anyone?) though it provides of illusion of linearity. Despite this, most of us look forward - earnestly hoping for change.

Yes, if there's a word for 2005 that sums it up it is simply this - loss. It's been a dreadful year of loss, not only for me. (Thanks Sam for the incredibly ridiculous New Year's message.) It's been a year of natural and 'unnatural' disasters, where many lives have been taken and claimed, and the Earth itself left bruised and damaged, and families of those left weaping and mourning over what will never be returned to them.

Recounting, I have lost so much in my life. I have lost my passion for the things I do; the passion that beseeches me to give of myself to others, to guide them because I have been blessed. I have lost the passion for running, due to the recurrent ankle injury that bothers me. I have lost the passion to commit, to trust, and to love. I seem to have lost the reason and motivation that drives me on weekends; to pursue the destiny of others who often do not appreciate it. I have lost those that were once close to me; those I once called and held dear. But amidst all that has happened, I have lost myself.

Yet in losing myself, I have gained something invaluable - the knowledge that I need to find myself again; to find a renewed purpose to guide me through this life. I have gained the knowledge that I need to chart a future where self-worth is found from within, and not from others' perspectives and beliefs and sayings. Most importantly, I have gained the realisation that there are people around who still care, and are inspired by what I believe in and how I stand firm to them.

I have lost materially...but I have gained in ways that weights and measures cannot value.