Ghosts

Taking a break from Shakespeare to post.

Just came back from catching Rumour Has it with Melody. The show was rather good - sexual innuendoes aside, the themes were really poignant, or so I felt. (Testicular trauma and such. The innuendoes are all really subtle; it just goes to show how corrupted I am.)

"I guess the two of us were just chasing after ghosts."

That holds ever so true in my life. I guess all this while, I have been chasing ghosts; ghosts of the past, ghosts of the semblance of what certain people were. And I've come to realise, that like ghosts, those memories are from another plane and will never become a reality in the one I'm in. Things that are lost and gone are that, and that will not change. All this while I wasn't holding on to people, but rather, the ghosts of them; what they were, what they meant. I think it's time to let go.

Another line that struck me, and perhaps this is a little sappy and cheesy:

"It's not that I cannot live without you; I can live without you. But I choose to live with you."

That comes towards the end of the movie. And yes, sometimes it is not that we cannot live without the person, but it is rather more a want than a need. This just proves it's time to let go again.

Technology Hates Me

I just realised my iBook requires $1299 to fix the stupid screen. My gosh.

I'm so getting another laptop or a new tablet PC.

Life

I'm really amused by the typical teenage interpretation of a larger than life concept - that of life itself. Most people try to liken it using metaphors, and so often it turns out hilarious. Here are some examples. (I am not making personal attacks, get this straight.)

1) We have Forrest Gump's infamous sophism. "Life is like a box of chocolates." Yeah right. Life is sweet? Life is dark or white? Life has nuts in it? Life melts? "You never know what you're going to get till you open it." If you had only one "duh?!", now would be a good time to use it.

2) "Life is like a package. You either take it or leave it." So you can 'take' life? Have you been watching too much Dodgeball? "Grab life by the balls." And you can leave life? Really? I only thought you could depart from it...

3) "Life never like a bed of roses." Hmmm. I can see why. Life is not red. Life doesn't smell good. Life doesn't have thorns. If you're fortunate enough to have a second "duh?!", please use it now.

Really. I don't see how people, especially in their teens, can attempt to philosophise about something that they fail to realise they can never grasp or grapple with. Perhaps it due to the Quest - one's journey to find one's purpose in life. It goes to show how lost people these days are, wandering through life without a purpose or direction.

I'm glad I've found mine.

Take Me To The Cross

The greatest love
I've ever known
Was when You died

The price You paid
The life You gave
Love's sacrifice

I am eternally grateful to You
I am completely abandoned to You

Lord I live for You
Lord I die for You
Take me
Take me to the Cross
When Your Blood shed for me
From my sin I am free
Take me
Take me to the Cross

Comedies

No, not Shax, it's Bronson!

1. I once:
loved a girl
2. Never in my life have I:
` loved a girl so much
3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then
can always make me smile:
`is the girl
4. High School is/was:
` all about the girl
5. When I'm nervous:
` i dream about the girl
6. The last time I cried was:
` when the girl failed her spelling test
7. If I were to get married RIGHT NOW my
bridesmaids/groomsmen would be:
` the parents of the girl
8. My hair is:
`the color of the pencilcase of the girl
9. My feet are:
` larger than the girl's
10. When I was 5:
` i just got to know the girl
11. Last Christmas:
` i asked santa claus to let the girl pass her future tests
12. When I turn my head left, I see :
` the girl
13. When I turn my head right, I see:
` still the girl
14. When I look down I see:
` the feet of the girl
15. The craziest recent event was:
` when i cried cos the girl failed her test
16. If I was a character on 'Friends' I'd be:
` joey but the girl has to star beside me as well
17. By this time next year:
` i hope santa claus made my wish on christmas come true and the girl will pass her test
19. I have a hard time understanding:
` how the girl failed her test
20. One time at a family gathering:
`i told my mom i'll marry the girl
21. You know I "like" you if:
`you failed the test just like that girl and i cry for you cos of that reason
22. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank is:
` God followed by the girl cos she inspired me not to fail in this award or she'll cry
23. Take my advice:
` Dun cry when a girl fails her test
24. My ideal breakfast is:
` eating cereals with the girl's face on it
25. If you visit my hometown:
` you can find statues of the girl everywhere
26. Where do you plan to visit anytime soon:
` the girl's hometown
27. Girls are:
` amazing creatures
28. I'd stop my wedding if:
` the girl called off the marriage due to her lousy test grades
29. The world could do without:
` tests which would lead the girl to fail it and me to cry for her
30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than:
` wishing the girl would pass cos it'll never happen and i'll keep crying
31. Most recent thing you've bought yourself :
` lots of test papers so i can tutor the girl
32. Most recent thing someone else bought you:
` lots of boxes of tissues
33. My favorite time of day is:
` morning so i won't be disturbed by the news of the girl failing her test
34. My favorite store is:
` watsons(lots of tissue)
35. My favorite ringtone is:
` hearing my own sobs of exasperation
36. And by the way:
` this quiz has lots of questions
37. The last time I was high:
` was when the girl scored 50 out of 100
38. The person who I last talked to told me to:
` stop crying over the girl
39. I shouldn't have been:
` a cockroach
40. Once, at a bar/club:
` the girl got drunk cos she was happy that she passed
41. Last night:
` the girl got drunk
42. There's this girl I know who:
` always seems to fail her tests
43. There is this guy I know who:
` keeps crying over the lousy grades of a certain girl
44. A better name for me would be:
` cry baby
45. If I ever go
` to the hospital cos of dehydration, remind me to drink more water before i cry

Oww. My stomach hurts. I shall attempt to do this in a more dignified manner than in which he did it.

1. I once:
`had a goldfish
2. Never in my life have I:
` seen a golden coloured fish
3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then
can always make me smile:
`the person who gave me the goldfish
4. High School is/was:
` dissecting goldfishes in biology
5. When I'm nervous:
` i remember that goldfishes cannot pee in their pants
6. The last time I cried was:
` when my goldfish didn't wave to me when i said hi
7. If I were to get married RIGHT NOW my
bridesmaids/groomsmen would be:
` the reincarnated human form of my goldfish's parents
8. My hair is:
`as gold as the goldfish

9. My feet are:
` bigger than the goldfish
10. When I was 5:
` i wanted a greenfish and a bluefish and a purplefish and a...
11. Last Christmas:
` i asked Santa to find a soulmate for my fish

12. When I turn my head left, I see :
` my goldfish
13. When I turn my head right, I see:
` my fish i ate for dinner
14. When I look down I see:
` the floor on which the goldfish's bowl is placed upon
15. The craziest recent event was:
` the goldfish farted. i saw bubbles in the bowl.

16. If I was a character on 'Friends' I'd be:
` joey, but i'd keep a goldfish
17. By this time next year:
` i hope santa claus made my wish on christmas come true and my goldfish will experience marital bliss
19. I have a hard time understanding:
` how goldfish pee
20. One time at a family gathering:
`my cousin asked if he could bowl with the goldfish's fish bowl

21. You know I "like" you if:
`i offer you fish food
22. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank is:
` God - he created my goldfish
23. Take my advice:
` gold is a sexy colour
24. My ideal breakfast is:
` fish flakes
25. If you visit my hometown:
` you'd wish you were a goldfish too
26. Where do you plan to visit anytime soon:
` fish & co, i heard they have nice gold coloured battered fish there, i wonder what it means...
27. Girls are:
` fishes
28. I'd stop my wedding if:
` my goldfish shakes its tail
29. The world could do without:
` silverfish - they compete for medals with my goldfish
30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than:
` ever meet a bronzefish
31. Most recent thing you've bought yourself :
` a golden full body swimsuit. i can go swimming with my goldfish

32. Most recent thing someone else bought you:
` the swimming pool
33. My favorite time of day is:
` anything my goldfish waves at me
34. My favorite store is:
` fish & co, although i've never seen their nice golden fish. i wonder if they make good friends for my goldfish.
35. My favorite ringtone is:
` bloopbloopbloop
36. And by the way:
` my goldfish is sexy
37. The last time I was high:
` when my goldfish won the aquarium olympics - 4 laps around the circumference of the fish bowl
38. The person who I last talked to told me to:
` find a mate for my fish
39. I shouldn't have been:
` human, then i can marry my fish
40. Once, at a bar/club:
` my goldfish got drunk because i put it in my beer

41. Last night
` my goldfish didn't sleep. its eyes were wide the whole time.
42. There's this girl I know who:
` has silverfish and detests my goldfish because it's much nicer than her silverfish
43. There is this guy I know who:
` has a sexy goldfish
44. A better name for me would be:
` goldmember
45. If I ever go
` to heaven, i will ask God to grant my goldfish eternal life and a pair of wings.

See? It's much better!

Words Have Consequences

They do.

When will anyone around me start realising that? Okay, maybe not everyone's like that, but it is the overwhelming majority of teenyboppers that annoy me. Rumour after rumour; gossip after gossip; sometimes it gets so widespread people do believe the lies, maybe at times, even myself.

We all know the saying that compares the pen to the sword, but words will always be sharper than any blade that anyone will ever wield. Why? The wounds we cause by our words are not physical. There is not direct remedy for them, and most of the time, they're just swept under and hidden, and we move on pretending that the events never happened and the people never existed.

Yet, ironically, the same words that are used to tear someone down are used to comfort, to affirm. And I firmly believe in affirmation. No, I'm not a narcissist who needs to further inflate my ego, but rather, it gives you the conviction and the confirmation to know that you are doing something right; to continue doing it, and not give up. That is why I guess I treasure those letters and notes from Sis alot - because she makes me realise that I'm going in the right direction; that whatever discouragement comes my way, she'll be there for me.

And words can be so mechanical at times. We have SMS, MSN, ICQ and other means of communcation that everything grows so cold nowadays. Close friends can testify that I'd go down to the other ends of Singapore to meet them face to face, instead of choosing to communicate through such mediums. Everyone around seems so cold lately. Maybe it's the Sec4 syndrome - everyone's stressed out over the O's which aren't arriving anytime soon. The RG girls are dying from work, even though they're not taking their O's. Charmaine doesn't even have time to take a phone call, and Melissa's ranting on about work in upper secondary being a killer. Yeah. The holidays would be a good time to catch up with people, especially those dearly loved.

Somehow I feel I could blog a whole thesis on the 5 love languages, but I don't think I shall. I feel at times I break most stereotypes of being male, or being a guy. As strange as it sounds, I guess one way to really make my day is to give me a hug. Seriously. Bronson would know, especially when I'm down. It's the physical presence of having someone who cares which makes you feel secure; makes you feel loved. And more often than not I guess I break down in those moments.

Just like I feel I'm going to soon. It's 2 weeks to the holidays. I don't intend to carry such baggage to school. And the irony is that the burden that I'm carrying isn't mine per se. It isn't mine to solve. It's someone else's. Yet once again I'm tied down by the things that bother friends worth dying for, and I make (sometimes) empty promises of walking it through with them, and so often I'm caught up in trying to deal with those issues that I forget they aren't my own.

Electives start tomorrow. I hope it'll be a good two weeks of much needed rest...

Childhood Fantasies

I've effectively blocked off all forms of disturbances from 6pm-6.30pm. During that time, I will be on my couch watching Transformers on Kids Central. And yes, I am turning 16 soon.

I never knew they were showing a re-run of one of the later adaptations of the storyline, until I chanced upon it a few weeks back. I'm in the process of digging up my old collection of Transformers robots and reliving the days where I spent hours recreating episode after episode. I think I have more than a $1,000 worth of Transformers robots. The combiner robots are exceptionally intriguing.

Perhaps it's another guy thing; Sis can never understand my fascination with robots that take on the form of vehicles and jetplanes. But what I like so much about the series - be it televised or the comic version - is that it appeals to all age groups, because there are issues that they deal with: loyalty, trust, ethics, friendship, and identity (which is so prevalent now that I'm watching it again). Think about it, why do they have names? What are they searching for - just to protect or destroy Earth? I don't think so.

There's up to Season VIII, but each collection sells at $50. I've bought Season I already, last year in fact. I think I shall start saving $350. That's less than 2 months' allowance. I shall start fasting!

Monday Blues

It's another 4 more days till the end of my 8 week academic term, and the electives begin...

Here's to making it to the end of the week.

Living and Dying

Whatever is worth living for is worth dying for.

Familiar words? Cliched? Perhaps. But sometimes it does hold true; especially in times like this.

Once again I find myself wandering through life without any particular goal or purpose, just living life from day to day, not knowing what tomorrow will bring or where the road I'm on will take me.

Here's a re-evaluation of several things held dear, but why they'll don't come close to living or dying for:

Academics - There's only so much pleasure that comes with discovery, and how often do we find pleasure in doing our best? We are, after all, only commended for being the best, not for being our best. And there can only be one such person, while the rest falter and fade away.

Friends - This has got to be the biggest fallacy of all. Dying for a friend?! There was a time when I had that noble dream... But that time exists and belongs to the time of chivalry and knighthood. Touchy issues.

Family - Parents are fine. Don't get my started on a certain younger brother. Frankly he can rot in hell for all I care. I'm unloving? No, I'm tired of loving. I'm tired of helping him get his life right. So yes, maybe it's not serious enough; he doesn't do drinking or drugs, it's fine. Yeah. Let's all adopt that approach and sooner or later you'll realise that having suicidal thoughts is the new in-thing and decadence governs our lives and all the values I've sought to uphold in mine are considered acts of heresy.

God - Sometimes it's just so hard. But I know He'll never change. He'll never let me down.

I think apathy's starting to take over. And the issues that I never took time to deal with are coming back to haunt me.

Something that's worth living for is something you wake up to everyday, and it's something you appreciate, and are grateful for. It's heaven's treasure found on earth.

Something that's worth dying for is something so important that life would never be the same without it. The loss of it is irreplaceable.

I once thought I found an entity that encompassed the two. And I still believe it does.

I'm carried in everlasting Arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Road Run 06

I reckon I did terribly.

It all comes down to bad planning.

So many people have told me that I can always do better next year, but is it just another delusion? I've realised that so often, in my life, there isn't a next time. It's one mistake and you pay dearly for making it.

7th...

Late Nights and Road Runs

I'm up waiting for a phone call, and I shall use this time to chart my Road Run progress.

I conclude that I am very unfit and very fat; I have not attended Track trainings in ages, due to the fact that we end at 5.15pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays and by that time I would be half dead. I have not been training on my own either. So, is the Road Run a lost cause? I think not.

Here's why:
3.2km - 15minutes
3.6km - 18minutes
4.2km - 18minutes

It is perfect safe to conclude that I am fully fit are raring to go. My recent trial run timings have remained constant despite the increase in distance. I will attempt to do my 5km run in 18minutes as well. (Yeah right.)

I have bought my Snickers bars for that day. They will provide me with alot of starch to burn so I will run faster. And who knows? I might get an endorphin high as well!

Now, on to more serious matters. I have no idea why and how on earth the Delta idiots failed to include me in the teams for running. They just omitted their top three IP male runners! But then again, I'm not running for Delta; I'm running for my own glory. I've given up on representating an unworthy cause already, when all that matters is the result and the points obtained. I even commented that I'd take Rongbin's place in the Alpha team and ensure that the top 5 were from Alpha. (I'd keep the trophy of course, he'd get the team medal.)

Sometimes we need to see pasts those masks people hide behind, and it's often more than just a singular layer. If you think TJ has a 'family-like' atmosphere, think again. The product matters more than the process. It's all about image and reputation there. Marcus rightly commented that the attitudes of the staff transcend down to become attitudes students in positions pick up.

So this Saturday, I may be in a Delta shirt, but the glory I seek is for my own.

(Yes I have always been a rebel against the system.)

Be My Escape

Be My Escape
by Relient K

I’ve given up on giving up slowly
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention
It’s my one last shot at redemption
Cause I know to live you must give your life away

And I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I’ve given up on doing this alone now
Guess I failed and I’m ready to be shown out
You told me the way and now I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake (yeah)
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self-detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can’t ask you to give what you already gave.

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

Be My Valentine

I'm sleepy, so pardon the rather cliched title.

Valentine's Day will be over in about an hour and a half, and I must say that it's been a enjoyable four days giving and receiving gifts in church and school. Here's a shoutout to those who gave me gifts: Thanks. Received several notes/letters, flowers, a bottle of stars (I wonder who...), and of course, alot of chocolate. I think I'll get fat soon. And there's Road Run on Saturday. That clashes with the ACJC funfair. I need to think of a way to split myself in two...

The saying that it is better to give than to receive just hit home. I think I've spent alot of money, time and effort on gifts this year, and the strange thing is that I'm contented; seeing the momentary displays of joy and surprise on faces make it worthwhile.

And this applies to more than the physical dimention of things; it applies to the emotional and intangibles as well. So often I find myself giving so much of myself; spending time with people, writing letters of encouragement to the cell members, spending hours late into the night preparing birthday gifts, and I often think to myself, "Is it worthwhile?"

Someone once told me that we give out of love. To some extent, I'm glad that He's placed His Heart in me, to love like others do. Yet more often than not, the love that we give is unrequited. Not just love (eros as we know it), but also love in terms of friendships and relationships. We give more than we receive, and after long periods of time, we get tired; physically, mentally, emotionally drained.

I constantly wonder why I do what I do - why I still give despite not getting equal dues. And in certain cases, manipulated, used, and ending up hurt. I'm close to the belief that modernity and capitalist society so strongly advocates self-profit that there are few who care for others at all. People have told me that it's just my nature, and that I'm living in a fantasy; that out there, I will never survive in a cut-throat, dog-eat-dog, capitalist, self-absorbed (just look at the majority of my peers) cultural society.

But am I to conform to live life as society would definte it? Am I to become the very being I detest and abhor? I've played dirty before; meddled in politics; taken people down. And you can call it retribution that I've been on the receiving end of that as well. And I do understand how it feels, and it's not that people don't know the hurts that they cause. It's the shocking egocentric creeds that "as-long-as-I-don't-get-hurt-it's-fine". No one stands up for what is right anymore. Integrity and moral values are (possibly) a thing of the past now. They no longer cease to exist.

Decadence reigns supreme today. Social entropy devours all that exist and coverts them to be its minions that are harbingers of destruction.

It's a world that reeks of rot and decay. But You've called me, You've given me the Strength to last this far. And I know I won't give up. There's still that greater calling in You I've yet to fulfill.

Teachers

I have bizarre teachers. Seriously.

One plays maplestory so he is uncontactable on MSN. And he believes maplestory is a perfect way to illustrate trading and economics. He posted some picture of people trading (buying and selling) items in our Social Studies powerpoint.

Another one's narcissistic enough to fill his blog with pictures of himself. And every alternate post has mention of his girlfriend (another member of the staff in school).

So much for educators today...

Beginnings and Hope

I'm sleepy, annoyed, and possibly on the verge of depression. Really. So much for the hope that the beginning of a new week brings...

i.Do

So, i.Do's over. And once again the message of finding that unconditional love - agape - hits home so hard. And the constant struggles to get away from what I've left behind never cease.

I just don't get it. I can pray for Darryl and Joshua; that they'll leave the past behind and let God take over. He has great plans for them, that I'm sure. Yet, I just can't do the same. I just can't let go, and let God. As cliched as it is, it's something which is easier said than done.

Love fills that void - that emptiness we were born with. We all find it in different places. And many would think that as 'the boy who has everything', it will not be a struggle for me. Indeed, finding love from others isn't all that hard. And I really don't know what's wrong.

Maybe I need to start all over. Maybe the answer's in Him. Maybe that search guides me to the place I never thought of; the place I supposed grew up in. Maybe once again I need to be found in Your Arms. Maybe I need to fall in love with You.

But I'm no longer a child. I'm no longer innocent and angelic. I no longer smile like life's beautiful. My mind is clouded with cynicism, skepticism. Bacon claims to believe is to have empirical evidence, to see and to experience. I have not seen, yet I have experienced. I'm not backsliding, neither am I growing. It's just a stagnant and dry period.

The irony presents itself slowly - in two days, it's Valentine's. People will be out there celebrating and commemorating a festival of love and romance, while I will not. It's not that I don't have a date and I'm sore. It's just that I don't believe anymore. I don't believe in love. I don't believe in trust. I don't believe the world's oh-so-perfect that life after marriage is happily ever after. Nothing lasts forever, and I do mean nothing.

Once again the condition of man strikes so poignant - short, nasty, brutish, and selfish. We often miss out selfish. And selfishness leads to the eventual realisation that we are alone. That's why I enjoy times when I'm left alone.

And this blog post is probably incoherent. So if you've made it this far and understood, you might just understand me better than I do myself.

Personal Perennial Struggles

It's the weekend, and school's cut short as Bio's been postponed to next Monday, and that frees more time for me to do work. It's going to pass me by really fast...

And in getting caught up in life, I feel I'm starting to care again; I'm starting to feel again; I'm starting to return to my former self. I feel like I can trust, love, believe in people again. But yet deep down, joy turns to skepticism - for how long have these things lasted and then caused my world to come crashing down. Why am I surrounded by perennial attempts at self-delusion; that as much as I can read others, I cannot understand myself. And indeed, that is the irony of my life, my identity.

Recent issues still bother me, and I know I'm not juggling my life well, and that perhaps very soon, the variables will start spinning faster than I can handle. And really, I know once again I'll be caught up in another maelstrom - lost and confused - trying to piece my life back together.

It's not cynicism from a young mind; it's a young mind that thinks too much, reads too much, knows too much. Chloe asked me yesterday, why couldn't I be happy and contented. I've been thinking about it. There's no definite answer. I have things so many people would want, yet, there's a general sense of discontentment. There's so much that ties me down; holds me back...

I think I better get back to my project, and stop thinking too much.

Childhood Memories

Something Marcus mentioned when I visited him during Chinese New Year still echoes in my mind. He said that people nowadays, especially teens, do not seem to have a childhood. By that he doesn't mean we were never kids, but rather, we lose the joy of being young; of growing up.

And I think it's true. We accelerate things too much these days. The very programme I'm in, supposedly catered to the more intellectually adapt of the student population, seeks to prepare us for JC life at the age of 15. Strangely enough, the comprehension passage we had on Monday reverberated the same sentiments - we grow up too fast these days.

The same condition applies to me, and I presently think I'm going through a quarterlife crisis (it gets younger). I've always wanted to grow up, to be above such teenage adolescent acts, but in doing so, I've lost my childhood. I never did treasure the playgrounds in my neighbourhood, with endless lines of little children queuing up just to ride the slide down, and climb back up again. I never enjoy the pleasures of being a teenager, and often felt that 'freedom and indepedence' at this age was not for me, and this resulted in me locking myself in a cell far away from others. I never did enjoy the 'brotherhoods' formed within cliques in school, and still feel that such cliques were for people lacking identities, and who attempted to mould themselves in others' likeness.

I've grown up. I am grown up. But I've lost so much, so much that I cannot replace. Now I can only look back, and reflect, and ponder upon the 'what-ifs' of life that so often cross my path. And perhaps if not for the person who asked me to blog, I never would take time from my accelerated pace to stop and think about what I've left behind. Perhaps it's that person's very nature that brings up the stark contrast between her and myself. What matters most is that she's happy with her life (or so it seems), while I'm usually disgruntled with mine.

Charlena's right. Thinking too much makes you sad...

Validations

Where does one's self-worth come from? From what is it determined? More often than not, it is the tangibles that we possess: material goods, looks, popularity, positions, and such. And this is especially so in today's society, where people view you by what you have, not who you are inside. Self-worth is no longer determined by how you view yourself. With interconnectivity reaching its peak, the Other plays a growing part in our lives, and how they view us matter more.

This would explain the growing trend in consumer fetishism, where we desire to be the best; buy the best; look the best, merely to make others take note of our presence. Capitalism and self-profit plays the catalyst in driving modernity towards its demise, as humanity will fall when they lose themselves.

How often do we desire to hear, "Well done," said to us by our friends, teachers, parents, and feel that we have not performed up to standard when we don't? Is giving our best even enough nowadays, when a job well done is not determined by whether you are satisfied and proud of it, but whether others are pleased. The Self dimishes so that the Other can expand.

Rarely do we find people who validate us for what we are - who we are, rather than what we have. Society bears no recognition for those anyway. Very few people today value you for the characteristics and morals you uphold today, and even fewer value you for just being human, and accept your weaknesses without hurling criticism at every possible moment, but encourage you to rise up to be the best you can be.

I'm one of the fortunate few, for I have found those who value me for what I can do, and who I am to them, not for the tangibles that come with me. I have found those who value me for being Isaac, and not for being popular or whatnot. This goes out to those who saw past me today, and saw what I could be; believed in that vision and stood by me.

Surprises

Just read something that, I daresay, made me much relieved.

Why so? I have no idea. I guess it's just that things are turning out for the better?

In other matters, we had a discussion on passion during civics, and I vehemently objected to the notion that there is sufficient freedom given to us to pursue what we want. Perhaps I tend to speak up more for the things and issues I believe strongly in, and this is one of them. Several classmates were willing to compromise and change pursuits if conditions were unfavourable, but that is not my case.

I strongly believe in doing what you want to do, if it brings you meaning in life. You pursue passion(s) because of the satisfaction and to some extent, self-glorification, that they bring, not anything else. Are we that ready to compromise doing what gives us purpose and drive, and trade it all just for the illusion of security and stability? It scares me really that there is indeed a glass ceiling above our heads, and no one seems to notice it.

We are told thet sky's the limit; that with relentless believe and hard work, we can achieve what we want in life. But the Singaporean stereotype is that we want wealth and status, and for some, a loving family. But what if that is not what we want? What if all I want to to fulfill my dreams, to pursue what gives me satisfaction? I'd possibly be dubbed a social heretic; that I've lost all sense of logical reasoning and want to give up the good life set out before me.

But after all, good is a matter of perspective. The question remains though - are we willing to step out of our comfort zone, pay the price, and break free? Passion versus practicality. And in today's society, the sad truth is that pragmatism is the victor.