Lifeforce

And so the bonds forged long ago in battles where we fought side by side still exist, and despite the distance, the time, and what has come between us, I still find myself unable to change how I feel about you.

I have no idea why I feel so strongly about you, or this friendship. It just comes naturally - to care and to love. It defies all logic and sense; it's unpredictable. But yet as you slip away, I find myself getting lost and confused, not knowing what the next turn has in store for me, only hoping that one day you'll be back by my side, fighting alongside me again, and finding solace in the knowledge that perhaps there is hope for a brighter and better day...

Yet at present, my lifeforce seems to be sapping, draining away, and there's nothing I can do about. Why is it that our lifeforces always seem to intertwine with another's? Why is it that the more I try to break away, it only results in the stark realisation that one cannot escape the fact that there is always the Other in our life. Our lives cannot exist as singularities, and we come to discover that we are dependent on Others - when they are present, we share our love, our needs, and in return we gain support and encouragement; we experience a sense of joy knowing that we'll walk through life with someone by our side, and when they are absent, we find solace in the solitude, and comfort in the fact that we are along, and we have time to ourselves. The lack of the Other is in fact, another form of its manifestation, if you look at it from a different perspective.

Here's to the goodbyes, the "I care about yous", the wake up calls, the "how are yous" and "are you alrights", the "goodnights" and "go to bed nows", but most of all, for showing me love, and teaching me how it is to love - requited; for showing me that it is possible to love and care, without fearing that anyone might betray you. Thank you for all you've done, for all the lessons learnt - in joy and in sorrow, just to know that you were by my side fighting my battles with me made me persevere and press on.

Here's to absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the season of mists...

Floorball

Yay. Just came back from Far East. Got my stick already. It's nice neon orange. How fun. I'm too lazy to do a photo-blogpost of sorts, so yeah.

Training tomorrow. Hmmm. Marc said I'm getting tan. I attribute it to floorball trainings and basketball with the juniors. They're a nice lot. Played with Han Wee today, and I won, surprisingly. Getting some semblance of form back. That's good.

Let's see. There's the Dance Concert tomorrow, and I'm going out before that. Then there's a soccer match on Saturday. 8.20am. I need my beauty sleep so... nah, I won't complete the sentence. It's something Sis said. Haha.

Off to play more floorball. I hope I don't break anything in the house...

World Domination

Finally, a proper lesson during the elective weeks. We played Risk today! From 7.45am to 11am. Alliances are fun. I usually take over an American continent and work my way eastwards.

The group game was alright. Shara, Bernice, Rachel, Zi Hui and I were really bored. So eventually we just attacked for fun and lost alot of our troops. The alliance between Zi Hui and I paid off and we won. Haha.

Then I went over to play with Mr Ng, Raghav, Kerry, Leonard and I can't remember who. But anyway, it ended with Kerry and I taking over the world. I got Europe, South America, Africa, and parts of Asia. Apparently Mr Ng refused to die. We cornered him in Australia, but no, it took 6 turns for us to finish him off. Oh well...

We should play Risk more often. Hopefully we get to play tomorrow... It's more fun compared to listening to teachers teach concepts of Liberalism and Realism and the difference between Hard and Soft Power.

Oh, and Barcelona beat Arsenal. Is that good?

Reply

In response to a recent email:

I'll try. No promises (I was never really all that good at keeping them), but I'll try.

It's just the little things in life like this that get me through.

Of Life and Consciousness

Is it possible to distinguish the physiological from the soul? What happens when you die? What is death - does it transcend life? Questions that need answers.

Where do we draw the line between life and death? We know everything is not as clear as it seems. What if someone is brain-dead? Is the person dead? Does living equate existence? Just because we live, does it mean we exist? We are constantly in search of the proof we need to know we are alive. We love, we care, we cry, we moan, we bleed just to know we're alive.

Existence is something more than living, it is the acknowledgement of living. Take the same basic philosopher's question again: if a tree falls in the woods but no one hears it, does it make a sound? We all know the sound happened, or do we? Existence is about making an impact and a difference; it's about knowing you will be remembered and your presence acknowledged when you move on. And no, it's definitely not being an attention seeking freak so every knows you exist, rather, they'd be wishing you were dead.

Do we believe in the soul - the very spark of life? Can one distinguish it from the lifeforce we possess? Where does the soul go when we die? If life is to body, then consciousness is to the soul. We live, because we know we are living. We know it is true because we experience it, and go through it. We feel the hurts and the joy, thus we are aware of our emotions. Does the lack of life imply a subsequent lack of consciousness? No one knows...

To answer this, one must first pass on. But from thereon, there is no turning back.

Turning

It wasn't a great day at school today. Really. It's nothing to do with anyone or anything that happened, but rather, it's one of those days where something just hits me and it lasts the whole day. In short I think it's time to move on again.

I live my life looking for new challenges, new heights to scale, and once I've surpassed that, I look for something new. It's the acknowledgement that life is transient and what we have and possess is fleeting.

There's only so much you can push the boundaries and break the stereotypes formed of people. There's only so far you can go with a person, then when all's been said and done, we move on. But thinking about it, it's been far too short. The challenges just came and past, and (perhaps) it's over.

But if that's it, then I'm losing the beauty of living each day and loving it, knowing it's a new day with new experiences, and to embrace the joy it brings. I'll be losing out on living life to the fullest, and enjoying the company of those around me. It's true; I'm losing trust and faith in relationships, which can so evidently be seen in my recent withdrawal from a good many built up over the past few years. There are so very few in the world that affirm you for what you do right, instead of your flaws. There are even fewer who would walk you through the darkest periods of life and ensure you do survive and come out of them a better person.

For so long I've believed in singularity; in the self. Could I be wrong? Am I now forced to accept that there is space for the Other(s) in my life? When I'm close to giving up, you just prove me wrong time and again.

I need a break from all this thinking. Strangely enough I've just thought of another post, but that'll wait till later.

Truth

What is Truth?

Take KI to find out. ~Marcus Tan


*****

I'll do a proper post when I'm not pissed that Chelsea fielded a rubbish side against Newcastle to lose 1-0. No Crespo or Drogba?! Lassana Diarra?! Lenny Pidgeley?! Why are they letting sides into Europe so easily?! Okay, I will stop the repetitive '?!' already. The Arsenal game was so much more enthralling: Tribute to Highbury. It was their fortress after all.

Hypocrisy

I've been wandering around cyberspace again, and I was quite amused by a certain commonality I observed, so I've decided to post my thoughts on it. How many times do we drop by someone's (friend or stranger) blog and see under the "to blow up with C4, mutilate, obliterate, boil in oil" (or more commonly known as a hate/dislike) list: hypocrites. It does make one wonder, what the heck are they, to be hated so strongly, and why.

According to the teenybopper dictionary, it refers to one who says something but does not do it (a stronger form of lying; usually associated with relational aspects of life). A common synonym would be backstabber, or in some cases betrayer.

Now, so a person who lies about one's motives and identity is a hypocrite. But really, has anyone considered that this definition and perception of what a hypocrite is is too shallow?

hy·poc·ri·sy (h-pkr-s)
n. pl. hy·poc·ri·sies

1. The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness.
2. An act or instance of such falseness.

Okay, so this is slightly better defined. So as long as one professes to have a value or belief that he actually has, he is not hypocritical. Simple as that, so why the fuss?

The controversy stems from the fact that we are not flat characters (save a couple of people). We are three-dimensional (or at times multi-dimensional, for higher-order beings like myself) - we have the power to do good and evil. No single entity can exist as a singularity, but rather, as a pastiche of interwoven polaric vices. To hell with Hobbes and Rosseau; Man is neither innately good or selfish - he is both. There is a fine balance between the capacity to do good or evil within the soul, it is just which is suppressed more (by societal standards, religion, beliefs, etc...).

In actuality, it boils down again to identity. How much do we know about our self? If we have the capacity to love, we have an equally fearful capacity to hate and scorn. If we have the capacity to give life, we have a capacity to take it away. It is rather paradoxical in nature. We are not clearly and definitely good or evil. If we can say or feel something, we are most capable of feeling its antithesis.

We are all liars, but in the midst of our lies, there is truth. The seven stages of life brought up by Jaques in his solliloquy holds true. We take on different roles in life as we grow, but ultimately, we are actors in a play: life. We mask and hide behind paper faces in parades, and we subtly believe that is who we are. But is it?

Hypocrisy stems from the lack of consciousness and understanding of the self. It is a question that deals not with our facades and appearances, but our innate capacity to please or disappoint. And we all do know, that it is impossible to please everyone at the same time...

Random Reciprocation

This is in response to someone's post. The person shall remain anonymous. You know who you are though.

Let's see...where to begin? Ah yes, Infused '05. Same camp group, and we kind of hit it off quite well. I guess I only started talking to you on the bus ride back, about the GEP and all, since you were leaving it for greener pastures (or so we believe). Well, then came the random smses and late night calls. And of course, we have the get-rich-quick scheme, and I've made quite a bit up to date: $4 and dinner. Not bad. But well, it works, and I don't suppose I'll get more out of it. I think I'm going to be a contributor really soon.

Oh, and did I mention I like the presents? Stars and the err, Jigglypuff lookalike thing. It's really cute! It bounces too! And you know what? You were one of the few who managed to give me my present on time too. So that's a good thing! Wait, you gave it to me early. Does that count? Hmmm...

And yes, the recent scandals have been really entertaining. Our signing offs from MSN, the goodnight messages, posting silly posts like this... they are quite amusing. Really. And besides, you can't deny you love me, as much as you try to! (Sis is going to kill me. Haha.) Twin claims you're scandalous too! So there. Thou art scandalous.

Right. That's all dearie. Happy?

Twenty-Sixth April

A year to the good now.

Things have changed rather drastically, and so have people. The world as we knew it is no more. The scars and wounds are still fresh from battles fought, and it will not easily be forgotten, under rug swept. So here's to the times we shared, the times we loved, the times we spent.

Here's to the wedding that never was... (how cryptic can one get?)

Dreamtime

I supposed I think more when I'm out of sorts. So here's the third post for today.

"You believe that reality is something objective, external, existing in it's own right. You also believe that the nature of reality is self evident. When you delude yourself into thinking that you see something, you assume that everyone else sees the same thing as you. But I tell you Winston, that reality is not external. Reality exists in the human mind, nowhere else." -- George Orwell, 1984

Till this day, Orwell's haunting definition of reality and areality, the real from the dreaming, the objective from the surreal, haunts my consciousness.

How do we distinguish the real from the unreal, the living from the dead, the state of consciousness from that of dreams? Freud has postulated that the dreamstate is a continuum of reality, a playground for the jostlings between the id, ego and superego. Dreams perform and enact our desires kept in check by social expectations and norms. Yet oftentimes dreams can feel so 'real'; we feel the fear we experience in dreams, we feel pain, we weep to discover wet pillows. We react physiologically to the psychological impulses sent by the mind. Yet where does the mind wander to in the state of dreams? What happens to our state of consciousness? So why are dreams considered 'unreal' and dismissed readily as myths and fairy tales?

Isn't existence merely in the mind? Are the physiological and emotional experiences similar to that experienced in dreams? How do we know we exist and weren't part of a larger state of dreaming? Isn't reality only conceived by the mind and nothing else? How do we know we 'exist'?

Can Descartes' assertion of existence as that which is solely perceived in the mind be true? Can existence be independent of the mind?

The amateur philosopher's question: "If a tree falls down in the woods and no one is around to hear it- does it make a sound?" Yet this very question questions the concept of existence. Do I exist only because others know I exist? I exist because my mind is able to comprehend my being as object.

But when the mind ceases to function, would I still exist? How do we comprehend reality without the mind? If so, would altering the mind's concept of the 'real' and 'unreal' not alter radically what existence is?

Somehow, reality doesn't seem that real after all. Yet one does question, with the seemingly impossible distinction between a state of reality and a state of dreaming, why the need for escapism, ever so prevalent today?

Cure

There is no cure for the disease which has struck humanity since Eden: imperfection.

And one can do nothing, but accept the harsh reality that no matter how far we progress seeking immortality, we always fall short.

Failure

Debate finals: we lost.

And I have no idea why it's so haunting. Scenes keep replaying themselves over and over in my head.

I should have said that earlier.

I missed this point out.

What do I say next.

Which of the 7 points do I tackle.

Perhaps I feel a sense of injustice is done. But really, I would rather everyone leave me alone right now. Now's not the time to tell me what went wrong. Now's not the time to have a laugh about how we made it this far with terrible group dynamics. Now's not the time to say the motion was against us - that's why we lost.

We lost because we failed to engage. We didn't lose because we weren't better; our case was slightly better than theirs. We lost because of our shortcomings, because we worked alone.

Half of me feels that it's alright, we should move on from here. The other half feels betrayed - who put in the most work to prepare for this? Who hounded the other two speakers for their speeches. Who was the one left with empty promises of quality that was never delivered?

I know, I'll never say it to their faces. And this lack of responsibility shown by my peers is just astounding. I work with a speaker who doesn't care about the outcome, and one who cannot give anything of standard. I'm not saying I'm without flaws, but I know I've done my part - for myself, and for the 'team'.

'Team'... Right. Something I never did believe in. Collective groups of individuals who cannot lay aside their selfish motives. I admit, I never like groupwork and all that. It makes you rely on others too much, when you know they'll let you down. Just take the SS globalisation blog for example. 3 out of 5 people have not posted, and it's week 6 already.

Really. I think I've had enough of this already. Perhaps this is the turning point for the year. I'm getting really really sick of the things in school: certain people (aside from the seemingly obvious ones), situations, projects, and the like. My patience is wearing thin, and I'm close to snapping. So push the wrong button, and be ready to incur my wrath.

Rest

After the exhiliration from TJ winning the debate, almost clinching 1st place for 100m (meaning I was second), beating Hon Boon at the last 40m to claim the gold for 4x100m, and realising I was the best performer for IP guys for the Track and Field meet (no mention of course, only Grace Khoo gets mentioned. What bullshit. Screwed PE department. We're a smaller batch so we can only have a best performer from the combined cohort of guys and girls?! What absolute bullshit. So what if Grace broke a record?!), I finally get to rest. And rest well I did - 12 hours in fact.

And one wakes to a new day, and realises that the brief respite is never enough. A new week soon begins - and there's the finals of the interclass debate. Why oh why can't we just send Mariam, Kerry and Melody in to win the stupid thing and get it over and done with?

So much for Melody's speech on "you've made it this far, and what counts is that you give your best." That was what I told her before the debate on Friday, how ironic that she uses it against me.

Off to take calls. Conference calls are scandalous. Period.

Sesquipedalian

I love long words; and I've been playing hangman quite alot today.

I guess it's because we had two really really boring talks on dating and physiotherapy, thus Melody and I resorted to playing hangman. And here's where the fun begins...

Melody's turn. Category: word to describe Isaac

"You'll never guess this word!"

(time passes by...)

I eventually get the word. Melody freaks out.

"Bet you don't know what it means."

"But I still got the word, so I win."

"No, it means ugly."

"Right."

"And only smart people like me know such long words."

"Fine, let's ask Kerry."

(we proceed to the canteen to find Kerry.)

"Kerry, what does ________ mean?"

"Oh. Err, good looking and lively, or something along that lines?"

(here's where Melody breaks into hysterics)

"HAHA!!! Really?"

"No, it can't be!"

"Let's go check dictionary.com"

(we check the website)

"Oh my goodness, it means Characterized by or having great physical beauty and appeal; having great physical beauty."

Yeah. Such a fun day.

Oh, and the word is pulchritudinous.

I love hangman.

Hold Me

Week 5 has begun. And the pace of life just seems to increase with each passing week - more work, more deadlines, more stress (which, like Melody said, is probably self-inflicted). I've gotten back my results today, and they're fairly alright, except a Band 3 for Chinese, where Mr Gan seems to constantly mock me. He gave me a 49, which is a mark away from a Band 2. So I now have to make do with a terrible Band 3 on my progress report. Arrgh.

I admit I'm close to breaking point already. This is just going to be another hectic week - essays to complete, debates to prepare for, races to train for - and life continues spinning out of control. Once again I feel like the gyre of life is spinning, accelerating beyond any known means of controlling and subduing it, and soon it will leave a trail of vapour in its wake. I think I'm losing my sense of security, and Jeann's right, it's time to get back to God.

There's no longer any time to think, to reflect, to ponder, to appreciate, to love.

I think the stressball (of sorts) Chermy gave me will be worn out by the end of the month. Oh, and I need to think of presents to get people. It's not easy to return the favour when someone spends quite a considerable sum of money on your birthday. I'm guessing it's close to...oh wait, people do read this. Well, I would think 3 digits. Seriously, on gifts and dinner.

Oh whatever. I'm not completing Lang Arts, for once in my life. Jo's right. There are more important things in life compared to academic grades and performances. I think I'm neglecting my personal well-being. I need my beauty sleep. I'm getting pimples. Oh my beautiful face...

Of Birthdays and Cakes

Started the day off terribly by trying to finish work before I slept and woke up 6 hours later to go down to church. But thankfully things took a turn for the better.

I was telling Sis over the phone how all I wanted was for someone to remember, and surprisingly, someone did. And that's all that mattered. The day passed by rather quickly. Cake in church with Jeann, Sis, Dre, Josh and others, followed by the concert at Marc's church. The 4 juniors, otherwise known as the Late Queens, dragged me to Secret Recipe and got me a slice of cheesecake. After which, Melody and I cabbed down to catch Inside Man at Plaza Sing, before heading for dinner.

The gifts aren't everything really. For once, the cliche of "it's the thought that counts" holds true. It's no longer the physical manifestation of thought that matters, but rather, it's heartwarming to know that someone does remember, and that's more than enough for me.

Sweet Sixteen

...or is it?

Happy Birthday Turtle. I hope your birthday isn't as bad as mine is. At least you lack a consciousness, and you're oblivious to all that surrounds you. I think too much at times; and it's been a stressful weekend.

I'm sixteen. What joy. The weekend, in all honesty, has ben nothing short of miserable and pathetic. So much for birthday celebrations. I totally forgot I wanted to spend the night before my birthday outside, counting down with close friends. It just totally slipped my mind till I was walking home.

It's been one year to the good since the second phone call. Why do I even remember such things? Still remember that I was sick of getting birthday messages online and told you to call me. But why such ponderence and reminiscing now? Even I don't have the answer to that.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cos I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

--Iris, Goo Goo Dolls

Test

As you can clearly (I hope) see, I have changed the template.

I'm simply too lazy to insert an image into the banner, so you have to make do with "Your Image Here".

After all, this is my blog.

*****

I still can't get my stupid contacts in. I need bigger eyes. I should start staring at people, according to Sis. Weirdness...

Best I Ever Had

Best I Ever Had
by Vertical Horizon

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

It's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it
So I run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted?
Could it be I'm haunted?

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had