Quarterlife Crisis

Indeed, midlife is occuring faster nowadays, so much so that I believe I'm going through a quarterlife crisis.

Looking back once again, things have changed so much this year, even though less than three months have passed. And I guess I was all too caught up in settling, adjusting, that I failed to notice what's happened. School has changed quite a bit, in terms of relationships. Marcus rightly comments that "new alliances have been formed this year", and this shift is quite telling of the nomadic instincts of most teenagers when it comes to relationships. We get what we want from a relationship, and we leave after we get it, searching for greener and newer pastures. It is indeed, quite sad.

And when Melody and I were walking around town yesterday pretending to be tourists and wandering around the Esplanade, the sights we saw were just shocking. Almost every teenage couple was engaging in some intimate act (holding hands/hugging does not constitute this), and we were discussing how everything is transient, and how kids could have made out 40 times before marriage, and later get married another 20 times.

It brings me to the point that I think I'm wasting my life and childhood away. It just struck me - 3 more years, and I'm no longer a teenager. I'll soon be expected to act and behave like an adult (though there are alot more negative connotations tied in to being one).

I suddenly feel like giving up my life. Really. Last night I dreamt I wanted to commit suicide and ran away from home and found a place where I was left alone. Maybe I should not read too much into it; the discontentment grows. Why do I continue doing what I do? I think I'm doing it without a sense of purpose and direction, and I believe I'd be better off not doing it at all. I'm still waiting for that answer. I won't search for it. You tell me why I'm still here giving so much and getting drained all the time. They once told me the joy and satisfaction is the only reward you need; that reward now seems a distant future. Why do I care really? I don't believe in blind faith, I do question what I do. Ironically, I was told to have faith on Wednesday night.

"You will grow from faith to faith."

I'm so close to giving up this life. A three week vacation is much overdue. Someone asked me today, what happened to the Isaac that would come to church and cell irregardless of work. Work is the excuse given to avoid something I don't see a point in being a part of. I think I'm skipping LCell for the second fortnight in a row. I don't see why I'm obligated to go down really. It's a privilege after all; one which I'm declining blatantly and openly.

Don't tell me to get my life back on track. Leave me alone. And I realise I can conjure these vibes that scare people off when they want to come over and talk to me. It was really evident on Wednesday. Someone walks over, and I think, "just leave me alone" and somehow the person just turns back or walks away.

Oh and one last thing, I hate it when you try to understand me really. Face it, you don't and never will. Reading this doesn't give you more insights into my life, and it never will. There's so much more to me than you will ever understand because you fail to take the time to see.