Life and Death

Arghhh. I can't ever make that clean cut to totally free myself from the bonds in my life can I?

Once again the realisation that people and things still matter, as much as I live in denial, is so haunting. The thought that struck me was that without them, life would be meaningless, to a certain extent. Not that I'd die without them, but life would be different, very different. There's something about them that keeps me going day after day; it's a belief I have in them. It's also the times of joy shared with them that keeps me going. It's knowing that after the storm - just to see the smiles on their faces - everything will be fine. Cliched, but true I guess?

It's so ironic that my life is built upon others; that my self (if I may say so) is constructed upon the identity of others around me. This pretty much shatters my self-deception that I am all self-sufficient, God withstanding. I'd like to believe that I don't need anyone. I know I can survive alone; I've the will to do so. But what holds me back is the fact that I can't bear too. Certain bonds run too deep and there's no way of shaking it off so easily. There's a shared affinity (I hope) and it's not easy to erase the memories on which our beautiful castle in the clouds was built upon.

And again I've had to weigh the importance of the people in my life. I'm left reflecting on that verse - would I die for anyone? Wrong time period! I should have been born in medieval times, where chivalry and the idea of a noble sacrifice existed. Sadly, I do not think anyone is worth dying for though. There was a period of time, in the past, where I did admittedly have people that I would die for. But they've gone now. I don't know them anymore.

The concept of the noble sacrifice now only exists in alternate realities - TV shows, movies, RELIGION, and such. God died for us, yeah. But God is God, and I'm no God. There's no such thing now. Which self-absorbed person can see past himself and see the needs of others in this world now? Who can see past his own issues and stop whining about them, such that he sees the larger and more important picture out there? I would like to think I'm such a person, but now I have my doubts.

Perhaps people only realise urgency when the time beckons. Only in adversity are heroes born. Maybe only when your father is dying from a fatal chronic illness will you pray to God to take his place. Maybe only when your younger sister is taken hostage that you will be willing to take her place and die. Other than that, we are too self-absorbed. Such is the human condition.

But as Morpheus said (rephrased), what is worth living for is worth dying for. And the inverse is true. So what is it I'm living for? What will I be willing to die for? Questions left unanswered, and somethings I believe that they are better off left unanswered. I like to think there are answers for every question, but it is not always best if the questions are answered.

I think I need to find a new passion, something to absorb myself in. Perhaps a new hobby of sorts? I'm rarely passionate about anything. I'm a dull and antagonistic cynic and pessimist. I need to channel my energies into something worthwhile. Another questioning issue of temporal versus eternal is raised, but I will not address that now.

But this is permanence - everything will be transient. What a paradoxical world we live in, surrounded by endless chaos. Chaos so subtle we do not even realise or see it at times. We are and will be blind and self-absorbed - the king of beasts.