Touch

You know sometimes I think I need to be more...self-centred, so to speak. I find that I give too much of myself at times, and it's killing me, again. I never do learn.

But yet I think I'm going about it wrong. I committing less to so many things, backing out of issues with people I know I can deal with. Why am I so...scared? It's the latest realisation that deep down, there's just that fear to go deeper into any relationship or friendship.

Please no, do not come and annoy me further and ask what's wrong. I just wish for some solitude to clear my head; to clear the air in my head. Everything's been a maelstrom of confusion for the past few weeks - disappointment with the results (performing under my expectations, again), relationship issues with certain people (and not entering into one with others due to that fear again).

What are the root causes of the demise, or in my case, the distancing of the self from friendships? Why don't we dare to believe in others; dare to trust them? I guess it's a security issue, where we fear we get hurt again. It's so prevalent in this world.

And friendships are getting colder instead of warmer, more mechanical instead of intimate. This stems from the fact that we're omitting one key sensorial part of ourselves - touch. Why does a single act of touching someone lead to thoughts of something erotic or sexual? Why can't we hold the hands of those we love, look them in the eye and say we'll be there for them without having the fear of being misunderstood?

It's not sexuality or sensuality, but rather, an innate human need. We craved as children to be picked up, to feel the warmth of embrace; to feel loved. That is essentially it. Touch - it goes beyond any connection made, yet it is so simple. We want to feel the warmth - the lifesource - of another. It is a language in itself - one that transcends the signifier and the signified - with it's own grammar, vocabulary, and rules. Some say it embodies love itself.

"It is the sense of touch, in a city you walk, you brush past people and people bump into you. In LA nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. It is that sense of touch. I think we miss that so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something."

Lines from the opening scenes of Crash which we caught a glimpse of. And I guess it's true. We hide behind metal and glass, ever so numb and afraid to feel life. We see life, hear life, taste life, smell life, but we don't feel life - that's why we never live life. So what do we fear? We fear we will not be touched in return. That's why we hide behind metal and glass...