Change, or is it?

School reopens, and nothing much has changed.

Yes, there are the changes on the surface - new classrooms, new blocks, new timetables. But nothing significant has changed. I don't see what the hype is for. 5 minutes off the periods isn't that big an issue; it's almost the same as 1 hour periods. The only difference lies in the difficulty remembering what time each period is. A round sixty minutes was so much more convenient.

Less than a month till I'm sixteen. I get to play pool legally at last!

I guess Marcus is right. The ennui is setting in, if it hasn't already. There's this feeling that everything that surrounds is mundane. I think I'm running on highs - certain things that get me going for a while, before I return back to this state. So what's new? What's the next challenge, the next mountain to climb?

I've two bets I intend to win in April; the difference between them twelve days.

I guess I'm still trudging along till then.

Quarterlife Crisis

Indeed, midlife is occuring faster nowadays, so much so that I believe I'm going through a quarterlife crisis.

Looking back once again, things have changed so much this year, even though less than three months have passed. And I guess I was all too caught up in settling, adjusting, that I failed to notice what's happened. School has changed quite a bit, in terms of relationships. Marcus rightly comments that "new alliances have been formed this year", and this shift is quite telling of the nomadic instincts of most teenagers when it comes to relationships. We get what we want from a relationship, and we leave after we get it, searching for greener and newer pastures. It is indeed, quite sad.

And when Melody and I were walking around town yesterday pretending to be tourists and wandering around the Esplanade, the sights we saw were just shocking. Almost every teenage couple was engaging in some intimate act (holding hands/hugging does not constitute this), and we were discussing how everything is transient, and how kids could have made out 40 times before marriage, and later get married another 20 times.

It brings me to the point that I think I'm wasting my life and childhood away. It just struck me - 3 more years, and I'm no longer a teenager. I'll soon be expected to act and behave like an adult (though there are alot more negative connotations tied in to being one).

I suddenly feel like giving up my life. Really. Last night I dreamt I wanted to commit suicide and ran away from home and found a place where I was left alone. Maybe I should not read too much into it; the discontentment grows. Why do I continue doing what I do? I think I'm doing it without a sense of purpose and direction, and I believe I'd be better off not doing it at all. I'm still waiting for that answer. I won't search for it. You tell me why I'm still here giving so much and getting drained all the time. They once told me the joy and satisfaction is the only reward you need; that reward now seems a distant future. Why do I care really? I don't believe in blind faith, I do question what I do. Ironically, I was told to have faith on Wednesday night.

"You will grow from faith to faith."

I'm so close to giving up this life. A three week vacation is much overdue. Someone asked me today, what happened to the Isaac that would come to church and cell irregardless of work. Work is the excuse given to avoid something I don't see a point in being a part of. I think I'm skipping LCell for the second fortnight in a row. I don't see why I'm obligated to go down really. It's a privilege after all; one which I'm declining blatantly and openly.

Don't tell me to get my life back on track. Leave me alone. And I realise I can conjure these vibes that scare people off when they want to come over and talk to me. It was really evident on Wednesday. Someone walks over, and I think, "just leave me alone" and somehow the person just turns back or walks away.

Oh and one last thing, I hate it when you try to understand me really. Face it, you don't and never will. Reading this doesn't give you more insights into my life, and it never will. There's so much more to me than you will ever understand because you fail to take the time to see.

Less Than Deserving

I am such an idiot. Period.

I'm sorry Sis.

Waiting

Well, shall we go?

Yes, let's go.

They do not move.

Self-Awareness

What is wrong with everyone really? Half the youth ministry in church is obsessed with this Johari Window nonsense. Why? I have no idea. It could be that they're just doing it for fun, or perhaps they're intent on knowing themselves better. I hope it's the former, as the latter would be a really stupid way to go about the matter.

How seriously can you take 5-6 words that are chosen to describe someone? So what if someone thinks you're vibrant or energetic? Does it mean you are? Or is it just another facade we put up as a part of life?

Our identity is constructed partially on what others think of us, but so often this has been confused with what others know of us. Perception and truth - two entirely different ways of viewing things. How accurate is it? Will we be led to believe perceptions as truth? Will we lose ourselves in the process?

I just feel the whole thing is ludicruous and really should not be taken seriously, but rather, with a pinch of salt.

And I prefer this version. I wonder why...

Oh well. Lang Arts make up today was quite boring. I stared at the word Nietzsche smiling to myself the whole lesson. "God is dead, and we have killed him" sounds all the more apt in today's context. Granted it was spoken by a madman, but madness is genius reconceived (the Aviator). Why is he Marcus' favourite philosopher? That's more in common between us...

Ghosts

Taking a break from Shakespeare to post.

Just came back from catching Rumour Has it with Melody. The show was rather good - sexual innuendoes aside, the themes were really poignant, or so I felt. (Testicular trauma and such. The innuendoes are all really subtle; it just goes to show how corrupted I am.)

"I guess the two of us were just chasing after ghosts."

That holds ever so true in my life. I guess all this while, I have been chasing ghosts; ghosts of the past, ghosts of the semblance of what certain people were. And I've come to realise, that like ghosts, those memories are from another plane and will never become a reality in the one I'm in. Things that are lost and gone are that, and that will not change. All this while I wasn't holding on to people, but rather, the ghosts of them; what they were, what they meant. I think it's time to let go.

Another line that struck me, and perhaps this is a little sappy and cheesy:

"It's not that I cannot live without you; I can live without you. But I choose to live with you."

That comes towards the end of the movie. And yes, sometimes it is not that we cannot live without the person, but it is rather more a want than a need. This just proves it's time to let go again.

Technology Hates Me

I just realised my iBook requires $1299 to fix the stupid screen. My gosh.

I'm so getting another laptop or a new tablet PC.

Life

I'm really amused by the typical teenage interpretation of a larger than life concept - that of life itself. Most people try to liken it using metaphors, and so often it turns out hilarious. Here are some examples. (I am not making personal attacks, get this straight.)

1) We have Forrest Gump's infamous sophism. "Life is like a box of chocolates." Yeah right. Life is sweet? Life is dark or white? Life has nuts in it? Life melts? "You never know what you're going to get till you open it." If you had only one "duh?!", now would be a good time to use it.

2) "Life is like a package. You either take it or leave it." So you can 'take' life? Have you been watching too much Dodgeball? "Grab life by the balls." And you can leave life? Really? I only thought you could depart from it...

3) "Life never like a bed of roses." Hmmm. I can see why. Life is not red. Life doesn't smell good. Life doesn't have thorns. If you're fortunate enough to have a second "duh?!", please use it now.

Really. I don't see how people, especially in their teens, can attempt to philosophise about something that they fail to realise they can never grasp or grapple with. Perhaps it due to the Quest - one's journey to find one's purpose in life. It goes to show how lost people these days are, wandering through life without a purpose or direction.

I'm glad I've found mine.

Take Me To The Cross

The greatest love
I've ever known
Was when You died

The price You paid
The life You gave
Love's sacrifice

I am eternally grateful to You
I am completely abandoned to You

Lord I live for You
Lord I die for You
Take me
Take me to the Cross
When Your Blood shed for me
From my sin I am free
Take me
Take me to the Cross

Comedies

No, not Shax, it's Bronson!

1. I once:
loved a girl
2. Never in my life have I:
` loved a girl so much
3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then
can always make me smile:
`is the girl
4. High School is/was:
` all about the girl
5. When I'm nervous:
` i dream about the girl
6. The last time I cried was:
` when the girl failed her spelling test
7. If I were to get married RIGHT NOW my
bridesmaids/groomsmen would be:
` the parents of the girl
8. My hair is:
`the color of the pencilcase of the girl
9. My feet are:
` larger than the girl's
10. When I was 5:
` i just got to know the girl
11. Last Christmas:
` i asked santa claus to let the girl pass her future tests
12. When I turn my head left, I see :
` the girl
13. When I turn my head right, I see:
` still the girl
14. When I look down I see:
` the feet of the girl
15. The craziest recent event was:
` when i cried cos the girl failed her test
16. If I was a character on 'Friends' I'd be:
` joey but the girl has to star beside me as well
17. By this time next year:
` i hope santa claus made my wish on christmas come true and the girl will pass her test
19. I have a hard time understanding:
` how the girl failed her test
20. One time at a family gathering:
`i told my mom i'll marry the girl
21. You know I "like" you if:
`you failed the test just like that girl and i cry for you cos of that reason
22. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank is:
` God followed by the girl cos she inspired me not to fail in this award or she'll cry
23. Take my advice:
` Dun cry when a girl fails her test
24. My ideal breakfast is:
` eating cereals with the girl's face on it
25. If you visit my hometown:
` you can find statues of the girl everywhere
26. Where do you plan to visit anytime soon:
` the girl's hometown
27. Girls are:
` amazing creatures
28. I'd stop my wedding if:
` the girl called off the marriage due to her lousy test grades
29. The world could do without:
` tests which would lead the girl to fail it and me to cry for her
30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than:
` wishing the girl would pass cos it'll never happen and i'll keep crying
31. Most recent thing you've bought yourself :
` lots of test papers so i can tutor the girl
32. Most recent thing someone else bought you:
` lots of boxes of tissues
33. My favorite time of day is:
` morning so i won't be disturbed by the news of the girl failing her test
34. My favorite store is:
` watsons(lots of tissue)
35. My favorite ringtone is:
` hearing my own sobs of exasperation
36. And by the way:
` this quiz has lots of questions
37. The last time I was high:
` was when the girl scored 50 out of 100
38. The person who I last talked to told me to:
` stop crying over the girl
39. I shouldn't have been:
` a cockroach
40. Once, at a bar/club:
` the girl got drunk cos she was happy that she passed
41. Last night:
` the girl got drunk
42. There's this girl I know who:
` always seems to fail her tests
43. There is this guy I know who:
` keeps crying over the lousy grades of a certain girl
44. A better name for me would be:
` cry baby
45. If I ever go
` to the hospital cos of dehydration, remind me to drink more water before i cry

Oww. My stomach hurts. I shall attempt to do this in a more dignified manner than in which he did it.

1. I once:
`had a goldfish
2. Never in my life have I:
` seen a golden coloured fish
3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then
can always make me smile:
`the person who gave me the goldfish
4. High School is/was:
` dissecting goldfishes in biology
5. When I'm nervous:
` i remember that goldfishes cannot pee in their pants
6. The last time I cried was:
` when my goldfish didn't wave to me when i said hi
7. If I were to get married RIGHT NOW my
bridesmaids/groomsmen would be:
` the reincarnated human form of my goldfish's parents
8. My hair is:
`as gold as the goldfish

9. My feet are:
` bigger than the goldfish
10. When I was 5:
` i wanted a greenfish and a bluefish and a purplefish and a...
11. Last Christmas:
` i asked Santa to find a soulmate for my fish

12. When I turn my head left, I see :
` my goldfish
13. When I turn my head right, I see:
` my fish i ate for dinner
14. When I look down I see:
` the floor on which the goldfish's bowl is placed upon
15. The craziest recent event was:
` the goldfish farted. i saw bubbles in the bowl.

16. If I was a character on 'Friends' I'd be:
` joey, but i'd keep a goldfish
17. By this time next year:
` i hope santa claus made my wish on christmas come true and my goldfish will experience marital bliss
19. I have a hard time understanding:
` how goldfish pee
20. One time at a family gathering:
`my cousin asked if he could bowl with the goldfish's fish bowl

21. You know I "like" you if:
`i offer you fish food
22. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank is:
` God - he created my goldfish
23. Take my advice:
` gold is a sexy colour
24. My ideal breakfast is:
` fish flakes
25. If you visit my hometown:
` you'd wish you were a goldfish too
26. Where do you plan to visit anytime soon:
` fish & co, i heard they have nice gold coloured battered fish there, i wonder what it means...
27. Girls are:
` fishes
28. I'd stop my wedding if:
` my goldfish shakes its tail
29. The world could do without:
` silverfish - they compete for medals with my goldfish
30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than:
` ever meet a bronzefish
31. Most recent thing you've bought yourself :
` a golden full body swimsuit. i can go swimming with my goldfish

32. Most recent thing someone else bought you:
` the swimming pool
33. My favorite time of day is:
` anything my goldfish waves at me
34. My favorite store is:
` fish & co, although i've never seen their nice golden fish. i wonder if they make good friends for my goldfish.
35. My favorite ringtone is:
` bloopbloopbloop
36. And by the way:
` my goldfish is sexy
37. The last time I was high:
` when my goldfish won the aquarium olympics - 4 laps around the circumference of the fish bowl
38. The person who I last talked to told me to:
` find a mate for my fish
39. I shouldn't have been:
` human, then i can marry my fish
40. Once, at a bar/club:
` my goldfish got drunk because i put it in my beer

41. Last night
` my goldfish didn't sleep. its eyes were wide the whole time.
42. There's this girl I know who:
` has silverfish and detests my goldfish because it's much nicer than her silverfish
43. There is this guy I know who:
` has a sexy goldfish
44. A better name for me would be:
` goldmember
45. If I ever go
` to heaven, i will ask God to grant my goldfish eternal life and a pair of wings.

See? It's much better!

Words Have Consequences

They do.

When will anyone around me start realising that? Okay, maybe not everyone's like that, but it is the overwhelming majority of teenyboppers that annoy me. Rumour after rumour; gossip after gossip; sometimes it gets so widespread people do believe the lies, maybe at times, even myself.

We all know the saying that compares the pen to the sword, but words will always be sharper than any blade that anyone will ever wield. Why? The wounds we cause by our words are not physical. There is not direct remedy for them, and most of the time, they're just swept under and hidden, and we move on pretending that the events never happened and the people never existed.

Yet, ironically, the same words that are used to tear someone down are used to comfort, to affirm. And I firmly believe in affirmation. No, I'm not a narcissist who needs to further inflate my ego, but rather, it gives you the conviction and the confirmation to know that you are doing something right; to continue doing it, and not give up. That is why I guess I treasure those letters and notes from Sis alot - because she makes me realise that I'm going in the right direction; that whatever discouragement comes my way, she'll be there for me.

And words can be so mechanical at times. We have SMS, MSN, ICQ and other means of communcation that everything grows so cold nowadays. Close friends can testify that I'd go down to the other ends of Singapore to meet them face to face, instead of choosing to communicate through such mediums. Everyone around seems so cold lately. Maybe it's the Sec4 syndrome - everyone's stressed out over the O's which aren't arriving anytime soon. The RG girls are dying from work, even though they're not taking their O's. Charmaine doesn't even have time to take a phone call, and Melissa's ranting on about work in upper secondary being a killer. Yeah. The holidays would be a good time to catch up with people, especially those dearly loved.

Somehow I feel I could blog a whole thesis on the 5 love languages, but I don't think I shall. I feel at times I break most stereotypes of being male, or being a guy. As strange as it sounds, I guess one way to really make my day is to give me a hug. Seriously. Bronson would know, especially when I'm down. It's the physical presence of having someone who cares which makes you feel secure; makes you feel loved. And more often than not I guess I break down in those moments.

Just like I feel I'm going to soon. It's 2 weeks to the holidays. I don't intend to carry such baggage to school. And the irony is that the burden that I'm carrying isn't mine per se. It isn't mine to solve. It's someone else's. Yet once again I'm tied down by the things that bother friends worth dying for, and I make (sometimes) empty promises of walking it through with them, and so often I'm caught up in trying to deal with those issues that I forget they aren't my own.

Electives start tomorrow. I hope it'll be a good two weeks of much needed rest...

Childhood Fantasies

I've effectively blocked off all forms of disturbances from 6pm-6.30pm. During that time, I will be on my couch watching Transformers on Kids Central. And yes, I am turning 16 soon.

I never knew they were showing a re-run of one of the later adaptations of the storyline, until I chanced upon it a few weeks back. I'm in the process of digging up my old collection of Transformers robots and reliving the days where I spent hours recreating episode after episode. I think I have more than a $1,000 worth of Transformers robots. The combiner robots are exceptionally intriguing.

Perhaps it's another guy thing; Sis can never understand my fascination with robots that take on the form of vehicles and jetplanes. But what I like so much about the series - be it televised or the comic version - is that it appeals to all age groups, because there are issues that they deal with: loyalty, trust, ethics, friendship, and identity (which is so prevalent now that I'm watching it again). Think about it, why do they have names? What are they searching for - just to protect or destroy Earth? I don't think so.

There's up to Season VIII, but each collection sells at $50. I've bought Season I already, last year in fact. I think I shall start saving $350. That's less than 2 months' allowance. I shall start fasting!

Monday Blues

It's another 4 more days till the end of my 8 week academic term, and the electives begin...

Here's to making it to the end of the week.

Living and Dying

Whatever is worth living for is worth dying for.

Familiar words? Cliched? Perhaps. But sometimes it does hold true; especially in times like this.

Once again I find myself wandering through life without any particular goal or purpose, just living life from day to day, not knowing what tomorrow will bring or where the road I'm on will take me.

Here's a re-evaluation of several things held dear, but why they'll don't come close to living or dying for:

Academics - There's only so much pleasure that comes with discovery, and how often do we find pleasure in doing our best? We are, after all, only commended for being the best, not for being our best. And there can only be one such person, while the rest falter and fade away.

Friends - This has got to be the biggest fallacy of all. Dying for a friend?! There was a time when I had that noble dream... But that time exists and belongs to the time of chivalry and knighthood. Touchy issues.

Family - Parents are fine. Don't get my started on a certain younger brother. Frankly he can rot in hell for all I care. I'm unloving? No, I'm tired of loving. I'm tired of helping him get his life right. So yes, maybe it's not serious enough; he doesn't do drinking or drugs, it's fine. Yeah. Let's all adopt that approach and sooner or later you'll realise that having suicidal thoughts is the new in-thing and decadence governs our lives and all the values I've sought to uphold in mine are considered acts of heresy.

God - Sometimes it's just so hard. But I know He'll never change. He'll never let me down.

I think apathy's starting to take over. And the issues that I never took time to deal with are coming back to haunt me.

Something that's worth living for is something you wake up to everyday, and it's something you appreciate, and are grateful for. It's heaven's treasure found on earth.

Something that's worth dying for is something so important that life would never be the same without it. The loss of it is irreplaceable.

I once thought I found an entity that encompassed the two. And I still believe it does.

I'm carried in everlasting Arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Road Run 06

I reckon I did terribly.

It all comes down to bad planning.

So many people have told me that I can always do better next year, but is it just another delusion? I've realised that so often, in my life, there isn't a next time. It's one mistake and you pay dearly for making it.

7th...

Late Nights and Road Runs

I'm up waiting for a phone call, and I shall use this time to chart my Road Run progress.

I conclude that I am very unfit and very fat; I have not attended Track trainings in ages, due to the fact that we end at 5.15pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays and by that time I would be half dead. I have not been training on my own either. So, is the Road Run a lost cause? I think not.

Here's why:
3.2km - 15minutes
3.6km - 18minutes
4.2km - 18minutes

It is perfect safe to conclude that I am fully fit are raring to go. My recent trial run timings have remained constant despite the increase in distance. I will attempt to do my 5km run in 18minutes as well. (Yeah right.)

I have bought my Snickers bars for that day. They will provide me with alot of starch to burn so I will run faster. And who knows? I might get an endorphin high as well!

Now, on to more serious matters. I have no idea why and how on earth the Delta idiots failed to include me in the teams for running. They just omitted their top three IP male runners! But then again, I'm not running for Delta; I'm running for my own glory. I've given up on representating an unworthy cause already, when all that matters is the result and the points obtained. I even commented that I'd take Rongbin's place in the Alpha team and ensure that the top 5 were from Alpha. (I'd keep the trophy of course, he'd get the team medal.)

Sometimes we need to see pasts those masks people hide behind, and it's often more than just a singular layer. If you think TJ has a 'family-like' atmosphere, think again. The product matters more than the process. It's all about image and reputation there. Marcus rightly commented that the attitudes of the staff transcend down to become attitudes students in positions pick up.

So this Saturday, I may be in a Delta shirt, but the glory I seek is for my own.

(Yes I have always been a rebel against the system.)

Be My Escape

Be My Escape
by Relient K

I’ve given up on giving up slowly
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention
It’s my one last shot at redemption
Cause I know to live you must give your life away

And I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I’ve given up on doing this alone now
Guess I failed and I’m ready to be shown out
You told me the way and now I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake (yeah)
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self-detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can’t ask you to give what you already gave.

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
That might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

Be My Valentine

I'm sleepy, so pardon the rather cliched title.

Valentine's Day will be over in about an hour and a half, and I must say that it's been a enjoyable four days giving and receiving gifts in church and school. Here's a shoutout to those who gave me gifts: Thanks. Received several notes/letters, flowers, a bottle of stars (I wonder who...), and of course, alot of chocolate. I think I'll get fat soon. And there's Road Run on Saturday. That clashes with the ACJC funfair. I need to think of a way to split myself in two...

The saying that it is better to give than to receive just hit home. I think I've spent alot of money, time and effort on gifts this year, and the strange thing is that I'm contented; seeing the momentary displays of joy and surprise on faces make it worthwhile.

And this applies to more than the physical dimention of things; it applies to the emotional and intangibles as well. So often I find myself giving so much of myself; spending time with people, writing letters of encouragement to the cell members, spending hours late into the night preparing birthday gifts, and I often think to myself, "Is it worthwhile?"

Someone once told me that we give out of love. To some extent, I'm glad that He's placed His Heart in me, to love like others do. Yet more often than not, the love that we give is unrequited. Not just love (eros as we know it), but also love in terms of friendships and relationships. We give more than we receive, and after long periods of time, we get tired; physically, mentally, emotionally drained.

I constantly wonder why I do what I do - why I still give despite not getting equal dues. And in certain cases, manipulated, used, and ending up hurt. I'm close to the belief that modernity and capitalist society so strongly advocates self-profit that there are few who care for others at all. People have told me that it's just my nature, and that I'm living in a fantasy; that out there, I will never survive in a cut-throat, dog-eat-dog, capitalist, self-absorbed (just look at the majority of my peers) cultural society.

But am I to conform to live life as society would definte it? Am I to become the very being I detest and abhor? I've played dirty before; meddled in politics; taken people down. And you can call it retribution that I've been on the receiving end of that as well. And I do understand how it feels, and it's not that people don't know the hurts that they cause. It's the shocking egocentric creeds that "as-long-as-I-don't-get-hurt-it's-fine". No one stands up for what is right anymore. Integrity and moral values are (possibly) a thing of the past now. They no longer cease to exist.

Decadence reigns supreme today. Social entropy devours all that exist and coverts them to be its minions that are harbingers of destruction.

It's a world that reeks of rot and decay. But You've called me, You've given me the Strength to last this far. And I know I won't give up. There's still that greater calling in You I've yet to fulfill.

Teachers

I have bizarre teachers. Seriously.

One plays maplestory so he is uncontactable on MSN. And he believes maplestory is a perfect way to illustrate trading and economics. He posted some picture of people trading (buying and selling) items in our Social Studies powerpoint.

Another one's narcissistic enough to fill his blog with pictures of himself. And every alternate post has mention of his girlfriend (another member of the staff in school).

So much for educators today...

Beginnings and Hope

I'm sleepy, annoyed, and possibly on the verge of depression. Really. So much for the hope that the beginning of a new week brings...

i.Do

So, i.Do's over. And once again the message of finding that unconditional love - agape - hits home so hard. And the constant struggles to get away from what I've left behind never cease.

I just don't get it. I can pray for Darryl and Joshua; that they'll leave the past behind and let God take over. He has great plans for them, that I'm sure. Yet, I just can't do the same. I just can't let go, and let God. As cliched as it is, it's something which is easier said than done.

Love fills that void - that emptiness we were born with. We all find it in different places. And many would think that as 'the boy who has everything', it will not be a struggle for me. Indeed, finding love from others isn't all that hard. And I really don't know what's wrong.

Maybe I need to start all over. Maybe the answer's in Him. Maybe that search guides me to the place I never thought of; the place I supposed grew up in. Maybe once again I need to be found in Your Arms. Maybe I need to fall in love with You.

But I'm no longer a child. I'm no longer innocent and angelic. I no longer smile like life's beautiful. My mind is clouded with cynicism, skepticism. Bacon claims to believe is to have empirical evidence, to see and to experience. I have not seen, yet I have experienced. I'm not backsliding, neither am I growing. It's just a stagnant and dry period.

The irony presents itself slowly - in two days, it's Valentine's. People will be out there celebrating and commemorating a festival of love and romance, while I will not. It's not that I don't have a date and I'm sore. It's just that I don't believe anymore. I don't believe in love. I don't believe in trust. I don't believe the world's oh-so-perfect that life after marriage is happily ever after. Nothing lasts forever, and I do mean nothing.

Once again the condition of man strikes so poignant - short, nasty, brutish, and selfish. We often miss out selfish. And selfishness leads to the eventual realisation that we are alone. That's why I enjoy times when I'm left alone.

And this blog post is probably incoherent. So if you've made it this far and understood, you might just understand me better than I do myself.

Personal Perennial Struggles

It's the weekend, and school's cut short as Bio's been postponed to next Monday, and that frees more time for me to do work. It's going to pass me by really fast...

And in getting caught up in life, I feel I'm starting to care again; I'm starting to feel again; I'm starting to return to my former self. I feel like I can trust, love, believe in people again. But yet deep down, joy turns to skepticism - for how long have these things lasted and then caused my world to come crashing down. Why am I surrounded by perennial attempts at self-delusion; that as much as I can read others, I cannot understand myself. And indeed, that is the irony of my life, my identity.

Recent issues still bother me, and I know I'm not juggling my life well, and that perhaps very soon, the variables will start spinning faster than I can handle. And really, I know once again I'll be caught up in another maelstrom - lost and confused - trying to piece my life back together.

It's not cynicism from a young mind; it's a young mind that thinks too much, reads too much, knows too much. Chloe asked me yesterday, why couldn't I be happy and contented. I've been thinking about it. There's no definite answer. I have things so many people would want, yet, there's a general sense of discontentment. There's so much that ties me down; holds me back...

I think I better get back to my project, and stop thinking too much.

Childhood Memories

Something Marcus mentioned when I visited him during Chinese New Year still echoes in my mind. He said that people nowadays, especially teens, do not seem to have a childhood. By that he doesn't mean we were never kids, but rather, we lose the joy of being young; of growing up.

And I think it's true. We accelerate things too much these days. The very programme I'm in, supposedly catered to the more intellectually adapt of the student population, seeks to prepare us for JC life at the age of 15. Strangely enough, the comprehension passage we had on Monday reverberated the same sentiments - we grow up too fast these days.

The same condition applies to me, and I presently think I'm going through a quarterlife crisis (it gets younger). I've always wanted to grow up, to be above such teenage adolescent acts, but in doing so, I've lost my childhood. I never did treasure the playgrounds in my neighbourhood, with endless lines of little children queuing up just to ride the slide down, and climb back up again. I never enjoy the pleasures of being a teenager, and often felt that 'freedom and indepedence' at this age was not for me, and this resulted in me locking myself in a cell far away from others. I never did enjoy the 'brotherhoods' formed within cliques in school, and still feel that such cliques were for people lacking identities, and who attempted to mould themselves in others' likeness.

I've grown up. I am grown up. But I've lost so much, so much that I cannot replace. Now I can only look back, and reflect, and ponder upon the 'what-ifs' of life that so often cross my path. And perhaps if not for the person who asked me to blog, I never would take time from my accelerated pace to stop and think about what I've left behind. Perhaps it's that person's very nature that brings up the stark contrast between her and myself. What matters most is that she's happy with her life (or so it seems), while I'm usually disgruntled with mine.

Charlena's right. Thinking too much makes you sad...

Validations

Where does one's self-worth come from? From what is it determined? More often than not, it is the tangibles that we possess: material goods, looks, popularity, positions, and such. And this is especially so in today's society, where people view you by what you have, not who you are inside. Self-worth is no longer determined by how you view yourself. With interconnectivity reaching its peak, the Other plays a growing part in our lives, and how they view us matter more.

This would explain the growing trend in consumer fetishism, where we desire to be the best; buy the best; look the best, merely to make others take note of our presence. Capitalism and self-profit plays the catalyst in driving modernity towards its demise, as humanity will fall when they lose themselves.

How often do we desire to hear, "Well done," said to us by our friends, teachers, parents, and feel that we have not performed up to standard when we don't? Is giving our best even enough nowadays, when a job well done is not determined by whether you are satisfied and proud of it, but whether others are pleased. The Self dimishes so that the Other can expand.

Rarely do we find people who validate us for what we are - who we are, rather than what we have. Society bears no recognition for those anyway. Very few people today value you for the characteristics and morals you uphold today, and even fewer value you for just being human, and accept your weaknesses without hurling criticism at every possible moment, but encourage you to rise up to be the best you can be.

I'm one of the fortunate few, for I have found those who value me for what I can do, and who I am to them, not for the tangibles that come with me. I have found those who value me for being Isaac, and not for being popular or whatnot. This goes out to those who saw past me today, and saw what I could be; believed in that vision and stood by me.

Surprises

Just read something that, I daresay, made me much relieved.

Why so? I have no idea. I guess it's just that things are turning out for the better?

In other matters, we had a discussion on passion during civics, and I vehemently objected to the notion that there is sufficient freedom given to us to pursue what we want. Perhaps I tend to speak up more for the things and issues I believe strongly in, and this is one of them. Several classmates were willing to compromise and change pursuits if conditions were unfavourable, but that is not my case.

I strongly believe in doing what you want to do, if it brings you meaning in life. You pursue passion(s) because of the satisfaction and to some extent, self-glorification, that they bring, not anything else. Are we that ready to compromise doing what gives us purpose and drive, and trade it all just for the illusion of security and stability? It scares me really that there is indeed a glass ceiling above our heads, and no one seems to notice it.

We are told thet sky's the limit; that with relentless believe and hard work, we can achieve what we want in life. But the Singaporean stereotype is that we want wealth and status, and for some, a loving family. But what if that is not what we want? What if all I want to to fulfill my dreams, to pursue what gives me satisfaction? I'd possibly be dubbed a social heretic; that I've lost all sense of logical reasoning and want to give up the good life set out before me.

But after all, good is a matter of perspective. The question remains though - are we willing to step out of our comfort zone, pay the price, and break free? Passion versus practicality. And in today's society, the sad truth is that pragmatism is the victor.

Sleepless in Seattle

I can't sleep.

Maybe it's because I slept from 6.40pm to about 8-ish?

Thinking about issues again. Perhaps the phone call with Dawn brought up several issues that I would have rather laid to rest. Maybe it was just a passing remark, maybe not. But why is it affecting me?

Once again the paradox of having a variety of options laid out and presented before me and the eventual realisation that there is only one way to go from here astounds me...

Memoriam

I constantly find myself in a cyclic pattern - that of remembering the past and the memories, pleasant and otherwise, that it brings.

And it's a choice I make - to remember; to exercise my ability for metacognition, reflection. And often the question I pose to myself is 'Why'? Why do I even dig so deep into the recesses in my mind to produce that memory, that inspiration to drive on?

Indeed, as I search, I stumble across visual representations of the past and the has- and had-beens: photographs. Indeed, a picture is worth a thousand words, though probably more than that is needed to perfectly recount that incident frozen in time to preserve the moment, the smiles and the joy; the sadness and sorrow.

And so I search and press on for that elusive moment that froze that instant in time, that portrait of beauty that inspires.

Quizzles

Cherm asked me to do this when I got bored. I'm presently in school and it's lunch, so there.

SE7EN things that make me smile:
(Seven?! How often do you see me smile?)
1) Sis
2) Person Number 1
3) Words said/things done by Person Number 1
4) Person Number 2
5) Words said/things done by Person Number 2
6) Send me amusing smses (like certain New Year ones...)
7) Write me a note/card

SE7EN ways to win my heart:
1) Be witty and intellectual, but not pretencious
2) Write me notes/letters
3) Make me smile (it's a sure sign?)
4) Be in Track (ermm... haha...)
5) Talk to me, make me feel important even though I'm not
6) Be able to hold meaningful, engaging conversations
7) Just be there for me

SE7EN things I believe in:
1) God
2) Myself
3) Life
4) Transience
5) Subjectivity
6) Fairies
7) Love

SE7EN things I'm afraid of:
1) The end of the world
2) Losing those I care for
3) Change
4) Hurting people
5) Person Number 3
6) Failure
7) Small enclosed spaces

SE7EN things that I do everyday:
1) Talk
2) Sms
3) Listen to music
4) Think (alot)
5) Reflect
6) Pray
7) Homework

SE7EN people I want to see right now:
1) Person Number 1
2) Person Number 2
3) Person Number 3
4) Bronson
5) Sam
6) Sis
7) Person Number 4 (don't you love this?)

*****

From my brother...

Your Ideal Partner:
1. Male Or Female
2. 8 Requirements of your ideal partner
3. Tag 8 other people and notify that they are tagged.

1. Female, unless it's Ashton Kutcher...

2. love God
hold engaging meaningful conversations
ideally someone happy-ish (to counter my pessimistic nature)
be intellectual
have alot of time to spare
help me grow in God
make me laugh
be sensitive

3) go do it on your own...

Alienation

Presently at home with nothing to do. Blogging from my Mac because my dearest brother did nothing to my MSN conversations on the computer when I left it for a moment and they disappeared like they never existed. Being him, he denies everything. Like sure, they never were there in the first place and I was actually hallucinating and not chatting with Kerry. Right.

No one seems to want to leave the house, and the rain only seems to further dampen my spirits. I think I shall go out. Leave everything behind.

At times I feel it's just me against the world out there. And I know that it's the choice I made, and I'm learning and living to stick by it, whether it is good or bad. Why I bear the burden of responsibility and morals that this decaying world only pervades and destroys I have no idea.

Yet I know that I really do not belong to this time period, this generation. I'm so different. I can blend in, and weave my webs of deception and camouflage, but I'll never be one of them. I'm proud of it, and I would not change even if the world depended on it. I long for a time more personal, where transience (though ever-present) did not have absolute control; where values and morals, integrity and responsibility would be upheld. I live by impossible standards in this time and age, and I will not change.

For most speak the language of the mind, few speak the language of the heart, but I speak the language of the soul...

Blessed

Perhaps it's time I focused less on what I've given, and looked at what I've received; not just to see how I've been a blessing, but to see how others have blessed me.

And this goes out to a specific two - more so than others.

Thank you.

Blessed

Perhaps it's time I focused less on what I've given, and looked at what I've received; not just to see how I've been a blessing, but to see how others have blessed me.

And this goes out to a specific two - more so than others.

Thank you.

The Paradox of Our Time

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals; we have more food, but less appeasement; we build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology has brought this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit "Skip Ahead"...

(An)Other

Posting after a couple of weeks spent in school. It hasn't been all that bad, just physically and mentally draining. The past weekend was spent clearing work, assignments; projects upon projects. I fear no one realises it's merely Term 1 Week 3, and that the workload will only pile up till it surpasses the Petronas Towers as the year progresses.

Still I find time to post my thoughts...

And amidst this term's discussion on the topic of Man & Science, I've realised several things.

The most pertinent one would be our desire to seek and find Others - and this transcends culture, space and time. Yet in this ever-advancing world, technology seems to be a great paradox. In the midst of the hype of wireless connectivity that transcends geographically boundaries and puts people separated by mountains, valleys, and hundreds of kilometres in touch within a matter of minutes.

Yet this is merely a farce; we may be more connected, but do we relate more? Are the bonds formed stronger, or do they strain across boundaries, such that what matters is merely the meta-physical, where dwelving into the emotional and mental recesses do not matter anymore.

And it is in such instances where we realise that we've forget to feed our senses; we've forgotten how to feel, how it's like to touch, taste, sense, and see beyond the webcams and the falsity of reality created through its microscopic lens. We forget how it's like to have and to feel the presence of someone by our side. Such a loss is perhaps the greatest tragedy of all, as the loss of feelings, emotions; turning out hearts cold and mechanical, void of feeling, will only inhibit our ability to love and to cherish.

Human relationships have been strained across the years. The need for another can been seen in attempted manifestations - Friendster, online dating, and such. We use technology as a medium to pursue relationships, but it will never be complete without the human element in it. Words typed weigh less than words spoken, and fingers brushing along each stroke of the keyboard can never replace the tactile experience of brushing against someone else on the train. We long for others, and human presence can never be replaced by technology and the facades and aliases, even alternate realities, that we create in an attempt to guise our need.

By inhibiting our sensorial development, it indirectly leads to a decline in the relationships in the community and within society. We're more connected, yet this presents the paradox of our time.

We need flesh and blood, not cold metal and steel.

Traces

A year gone, so here's a year's reflections.

We leave traces of ourselves in everything we do, everywhere we visit, everyone we encounter in life. And so often we leave irreplaceable parts of ourselves in the things and people we deem important and invaluable. Yet when these things and people move on, we often lose those parts of ourselves, and struggle ever so hard to find them, to retrieve them and bring them back to make us whole again.

And at the beginning of another cyclical calendar is often the time we spend looking back at the traces and trials we left before and behind us, hoping that the new year brings about new beginnings, new hopes, and positive changes. Yet, we know in all consciousness, though we refuse to admit it, that life is cyclical and has a history and way of repeating itself (deja vu anyone?) though it provides of illusion of linearity. Despite this, most of us look forward - earnestly hoping for change.

Yes, if there's a word for 2005 that sums it up it is simply this - loss. It's been a dreadful year of loss, not only for me. (Thanks Sam for the incredibly ridiculous New Year's message.) It's been a year of natural and 'unnatural' disasters, where many lives have been taken and claimed, and the Earth itself left bruised and damaged, and families of those left weaping and mourning over what will never be returned to them.

Recounting, I have lost so much in my life. I have lost my passion for the things I do; the passion that beseeches me to give of myself to others, to guide them because I have been blessed. I have lost the passion for running, due to the recurrent ankle injury that bothers me. I have lost the passion to commit, to trust, and to love. I seem to have lost the reason and motivation that drives me on weekends; to pursue the destiny of others who often do not appreciate it. I have lost those that were once close to me; those I once called and held dear. But amidst all that has happened, I have lost myself.

Yet in losing myself, I have gained something invaluable - the knowledge that I need to find myself again; to find a renewed purpose to guide me through this life. I have gained the knowledge that I need to chart a future where self-worth is found from within, and not from others' perspectives and beliefs and sayings. Most importantly, I have gained the realisation that there are people around who still care, and are inspired by what I believe in and how I stand firm to them.

I have lost materially...but I have gained in ways that weights and measures cannot value.

Post-Christmas

Without Jesus there won't be this Christmas...

The words sink in so deep now.

Festive

Christmas - the joy, laughter and merry-making time toward the end of the year. Or is it? More so it is a cloak that shields us and blends us into the festivities of it all to cover up the brokeness and bitterness faced along the course of the year.

It's been an absolutely terrible year, and I'm not going to smile and say my year was fine. I've lied enough, and I think this is where I come clean and be real...

Thinking about it, there's someone I really need to thank God for. I never realised it until today, but she's been there through the whole long issue beside me, making sure each time I wanted to give up, I didn't. And if the world would turn against me, she'd still be there. Each time I needed to rant and seek someone to talk to, she'd readily be there...

Thanks Sis.

Boredom

src="http://tn3-1.deviantart.com/300W/fs4.deviantart.com/i/2004/250/3/9/_Color_Me_Blood_Red__by_blackeri.jpg">

you are wrath your animal is the tiger Wath is
manifested in the individual who spurns love
and opts instead for fury. It is also known as
Anger. you are just very angry at the world in
general. when people offer you kindness you
lash out at them in anger ...get a theripist


Which of the seven deadly sins are you? Redone with pics!
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What is your hidden power? ( Cool Pics + very detailed results!)
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Re-did this...


What is your hidden power? ( Cool Pics + very detailed results!)
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What mythical creature are you?
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Your eye ~amazing pics~
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Re-did...


Your eye ~amazing pics~
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What is Your Obsession?
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What type of evil are you? (anime pics)
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What type of evil are you? (anime pics)
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src="http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b397/XOXOYou_And_I_CollideXOXO/Anime%20Girls/Witch.jpg"
alt="Image hosted by
Photobucket.com">
You are a magical warrior! Born with a mystical and
errasistable nature, people are atracted to you
like a magnet. You are a very forward-thinker
and independent in your way of approaching most
things in life. No one is able to tell you how
to live, because your broad-minded and
creative attitude has made it clear to you just
how differently you wish to experience your
life.
Brimming with endless secrets along with surprises,
your talents, gifts and flairs cease to amaze.


Whats your inner warrior? (beautiful anime pics and detailed results!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Might vs Magic. Haha.


Your element is Darkness. You are the truly evil
one with a black heart and no soul. People
avoid you since you cause so much trouble and
enjoy seeing others in pain. You would like
nothing more than to rule this earth and be
hailed by all. Everyone is annoying and stupid
anyway and are a waste of oxygen. You are
probably a cast-away from society and family
and have had a tough life where you learned to
live the hard way. Now you want revenge on your
pain and can no longer feel love nor care. You
do not wish to befriend anyone and you
certainly do not wish to be in love. As a
student of having learnt everything the hard
way, you tend to be manipulative when you want
something for yourself. In your head there is
only you that matters, and why shouldn't it? No
one cares about you so why should you? In
school you probably ditch classes and go
somewhere else instead of sitting in a
classroom. It is not that you are stupid,
because you're probably very smart, but
everyone annoy you. And having to sit in the
same room, breathing the same air as your
enemies is not desired by you. Rate and
message!


What is your element? [with pics + detailed answeres]
brought to you by Quizilla


Your element is Darkness. You are the truly evil
one with a black heart and no soul. People
avoid you since you cause so much trouble and
enjoy seeing others in pain. You would like
nothing more than to rule this earth and be
hailed by all. Everyone is annoying and stupid
anyway and are a waste of oxygen. You are
probably a cast-away from society and family
and have had a tough life where you learned to
live the hard way. Now you want revenge on your
pain and can no longer feel love nor care. You
do not wish to befriend anyone and you
certainly do not wish to be in love. As a
student of having learnt everything the hard
way, you tend to be manipulative when you want
something for yourself. In your head there is
only you that matters, and why shouldn't it? No
one cares about you so why should you? In
school you probably ditch classes and go
somewhere else instead of sitting in a
classroom. It is not that you are stupid,
because you're probably very smart, but
everyone annoy you. And having to sit in the
same room, breathing the same air as your
enemies is not desired by you. Rate and
message!


What is your element? [with pics + detailed answeres]
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You reflect the wisdom of the spirit. You shine as
a wise and anicent sage who values intellect
among the most. Your spirit brings guidence to
those around you. You have accomplished your
strength with age and time. Don't let your wise
advice go to waste. Share it with all who are
willing to listen.

Please rate high
;-)


Reflections of the Spirit?
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What colour is your soul? - anime pics (now w/ new result)
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Snagging a their number is a total adventure with
you love plotting schemes to get a them to
notice you. Quizzing their buds to find out
thier class schedule? Youve done it. Checking
they AOL profile to discover his hobbies? Yep,
that too. Sly and fearless, youll land your
crush any way you canand you usually do!


Whats Your Flirting Style?(good quiz)
brought to you by Quizilla

Snagging a their number is a total adventure with
you love plotting schemes to get a them to
notice you. Quizzing their buds to find out
thier class schedule? Youve done it. Checking
they AOL profile to discover his hobbies? Yep,
that too. Sly and fearless, youll land your
crush any way you canand you usually do!


Whats Your Flirting Style?(good quiz)
brought to you by Quizilla

Pre-Christmas

It's Christmas Eve.

Reflections, reflections. Is every single detail out there meant to haunt me over mistakes I've made this year - knowingly or unknowingly? I'm still greatly disturbed that there are issues left unresolved in my life, despite the resolution of the year drawing close.

Maybe, just maybe, I should apologise. Maybe I should tear down every pretence I've constructed and admit that I am human; I was wrong; I make mistakes. Maybe then, there might be a slim chance that life would turn around.

As cliched as it sounds - all I want for Christmas is you...

How can I sing when my words have run dry
How can I smile with a tear in my eye

That's how it feels, when I'm missing you

Talk Time

Just got off the phone from a non-intentional wake-up call.

That's 6 hours spent on the phone today already. I feel so accomplished!

Compatability

What makes two people click in a relationship? Or rather, what do we go for in a relationship that ensures compatability; that we do not have a clash of personalities?

This seemingly simple question leads to two key areas - similarities and differences. How much of one entity do we want in a relationship? We do not want a carbon copy of ourselves, yet we do not want the total antithesis of what we are. It's the ironic nature of being human - so often we are found in that grey area, where we want what is between polaric extremes.

I've often questioned why I'd see guys from recent reputable schools going out with girls from not so good schools (or vice versa - I'm not sexist), and I've often wondered, what could he possibly see in her? They are quite different in nature - one's probably smarter than the other by quite some bit; one's probably going to end up with a more decent job than the other, and so on. There are so many differences - how do they maintain a relationship?

Someone once told me that that is, as cliched as it sounds, 'the Power of Love'. Age, status, occupation and all these do not matter if one truly loves another. But can love, such a complex emotion, simply be attained by abandoning and neglecting entire aspects of a person, overlooking similarities and differences alike? How can it be when love is said to accept wholly, and not partially. Is love negligence and ignorance or acceptance? Most would say acceptance. Who would claim that they neglect the people they love? But does it really hold? Can we ever justify and try to explain what love is?

The Bible says God is love. And different people say different things. So what is love to you? Ultimately I believe this statement is true: love is only a feeling. It cannot be explained, it cannot be made or manufactured or sold; it was meant to be given and received - words unspoken.

And it is precisely this concept of giving and receiving that has warped our ideas of love in post-modern mercantilistic society. We think we can sell, trade, buy love (as seen through expressions of changing partners and buying Vietnamese or Chinese brides).

Love was never meant to be explained; it was meant to be understood.

A Pre-Christmas Reflection

What do I want?

Seemingly simple question, but there're so many issues behind it.

Sorted out some thoughts today, bought several gifts. Christmas is coming, but my thoughts on that do not belong in this entry.

I've been asking myself: what do I want for Christmas? And do the things I want bring happiness or satisfaction? Then I realised - the joy of Christmas is not the joy of receiving gifts, but the joy of the world receiving Christ.

Time Moves On

Had dinner with Stef today, and the topic of tradition just popped up.

In short, we were lamenting on how as time progresses, parents rarely seem to be affected by the winds of change. Often we hear the ever so common "In my time...(goes on and on about how things were better and more civil in their time and how society is only changing for the worse)", isn't it so?

Tradition seeks to preserve values, morals, etiquette, while time seeks to change that. Asian culture and modernity seem to be in a constant fight for the lives of the young today. Unlike the generation of our parents, where filial piety and other Chinese values were prominent, youths today are more in touch with Western culture, where you leave home at 18 to find a job and rarely see your parents again.

Take dialect for instance. Someone told me that our parents would be the last generation to speak it fluently, or even at all, and I must admit I agree. The generations gap between parent and child is not only a gap of age, but also a gap of culture. Media and Western influence have been prominent throughout our upbringing, while the only forms of tradition that remain lie at home, decaying.

Perhaps tradition has met its end in this generation. Yet a deeper thought lingers - 50 years from now, with the powers of the East emerging, will our children have the mindset that our present 'Western lifestyles' are tradition, and go back to the 'ancient' beliefs of our parents and their parents?

Ultimately, tradition is not anything ancient, but merely a mindset; a perspective. And the battle, once again, is won by time - it conquers all, leaving even civilisations crumbling in its wake.

****

Author's note: Terribly sub-par entry. I'm too distracted by the 'Movie Event of the Year' on AXN. Heh.

Tags

Rules of the game:
1. Post 5 weird/random stuff about yourself.
2. At the end, list the names of 5 people whom you want next to do this, and leave a comment "YOU ARE TAGGED!" in their blog and tell them to read your blog for rules. (*I won't do this. Do it if you want to...)

1) I am androgynous.
2) I don't think I'm handsome; I'm beautiful.
3) I'm ambidexterous.
4) I'm currently trying out new ways on signing my name.
5) I have Numb3rs season II and you don't!
*6) I'm probably quitting Track soon due to a recurring ankle injury. (*Since 1) and 2) are quite similar.)

God at Work

I presently lack a phrase or expression to describe my current state of feelings. Why's everything so...complicated?!

Yeah, God's moving; people are changing; lives are being transformed. But still...

Basically someone just called to awaken me from my slumbering stupor. The moment I looked at the Caller ID on my handphone, something within me just jolted. Suddenly it seems everything just came back, and I tried to recall when the last time that number appeared. Everything's so far away; so long ago.

Sometimes I feel certain things should be left unsaid; unspoken.

Perhaps in moving on, we ironically need to deal with issues of the past. Perhaps certain issues are too pressing that God cannot let them lie. Why God? Why? Why couldn't it be all over then? I said I'd let go. What's more to do?

Camp was great - and so was the work He started. But I never did expect this. You may think it's pleasant. But I guess I just realised I'm not ready. I just realised I'd rather run away from the issue than face it. Call me a coward; I don't deny it.

I don't want to struggle anymore. Have Your Way - give me strength to make it through. Once again, it's letting go and letting God.

Forever Delayed

Delays - one of modern life's greatest ironies.

We buzz about our lives hoping to soon hit Mach 3 to reduce working hours from 9-10 so we have more time to spend, yet delays and hold-ups are simply inevitable. Just today, I was at Plaza Singapura waiting to have my hair cut, and (together with really ineffecient service) resulted in me being 15mins later for service. Disgusting really. Waiting has never really been one of my strong points, yet in this world, it seems that this saying holds true: We wait to rush and we rush to wait.

Even right now, I'm waiting for a phone call which I think may never come...

And so I'll keep waiting...

Letting Go ; Letting God

Yeah. It speaks for itself.

Stop running away.

Meaning

It's an age-old question; one that no one has ever found an answer to:

What is life? What is the meaning of life?

When we look back at our own lives, observing the throngs of people moving to and fro going about their daily business, we ask, what is my life about? What is the meaning to my own life?

Some find it in their work, some with their families, others in love, and others in exploration and conquest; a search and discovery of things past, present and future. But there is no singular answer. Life perhaps is precisely that - anything, and (ironically) everything. We accuse workaholics of lacking a 'life' and of being too self-absorbed. Yet we too criticise family-oriented people for lacking commitment and passion in their work life. Perhaps the contradication holds a lesson - there is no one definition to life. It merely 'is'. It is what we choose to define it as...

And that perhaps is a morbid thought for we fear the reality that life is merely a phase; we are merely 'passing through'. Life lacks permanence: we live and we will eventually die. However, this cycle of life stirs up complex emotions within. We fear that all we've done in this life time will disintegrate and be forgotten with time. We fear that we will and perhaps have not done enough. We want to be remembered. We seek immortality...

It so readily explains why people seek fame and fortune; why they sought achievement and success. Beyond the material gains, it is the need to be immortal; to be remembered for the success one has carved upon this world.

And we all do it...in our own way.

History

What is the value of history - personal, national and global (world)?

At the root of it, history is a means to ascertain our existence. History is narrative. And the human race has always had an innate desire to tell stories, to write them, and to recount them. It is what keeps us alive; It is what tells us that we are present, here, in this time and space. We need others to hear and listen so they can reflect our existence.

But history, in its most personal form, is memory. We reminesce and remember to know that we exist(ed). We look back in time and objectify ourselves as a third person often wondering if that was who we were in a forgotten time and space - remembered only in the recesses of our minds. And so in some contorted fashion, existence is merely memory and perception. We create our own realities - nowhere else but in our minds.

We look back introspectively - and we laugh, smile, cry and weep; we are moved, inspired, ashamed, guilt-ridden. That is the power of memory - to shape future memories; to shape the present. In the same way, history in its 'larger' form has the same power. It could shape the world - its future and its present.

But the irony of our own lives, and the world, is that we never learn. We would rather indulge in realities that have passed. And we often only choose to see what we want to see.

Gifted, and Proud Of It

What's with the recent slamming of GEPers in Today?!

Goodness, I just remember I had a rather heated discussion slamming people with Christal at Pizza Hut over dinner, only to realise that I was surrounded by mainstreamers.

But really, are we that arrogant? Do we have no other form of social life? I highly doubt it. I very much believe I have an extravagent social life, sadly. I associate myself with mainstream people - school- or church-based. My best friend is not a GEPer. My closer friends are mainly mainstream people.

Yes, I don't deny I'm not an arrogant stuck-up person at times. And I don't deny it's what the system has 'taught' me to be. But the choice to become the person with the character I bear is my choice; it was not forced onto me with the intention of xeroxing every GEPer to be arrogant, snobbish and whatnot. I chose to be arrogant, because I don't think others match up to me. Sorry if it hurts, but I'm deadly cynical and antagonistic.

Yeah, I'm proud of what I have and possess, sometimes a little too much for my own good. But surely being smart (supposedly at least), we'd learn to discern good from bad, right from wrong, black from white. Surely we know better than to come across as proud and unsociable. Me? I'm a deviant of the system. I don't believe I can be stereotyped into normalcy, and I strive to break free; be different; be me.

So maybe this rant at 2am in the morning seems disorientated and doesn't make much sense... Sorry, I don't need you, the reader, to side with me on this. As hypocritical as it sounds, I beg to differ with the opinions stated in the article.

But, if you were to slam the Integrated Programme for producing pathetic attempts at 'higher education', perhaps you'd get my vote. Idiocy surrounds me, and it's a month of freedom and fresh air, before returning to that hellhole of an educational institution. It's not the school; the school itself is nothing problematic. It's the students - my peers. They suck the life and will to live, to press on pursuing what I love. They tax every second of your life away, hoping to steal all you have. Teenyboppers...

Blank

That's the present state of my mind. It seems my thought-machine has gone on vacation, like most Singaporeans would.

So she's coming back tomorrow. So I'm due for a long overdue phone call. Big deal. Doesn't seem to matter anymore. There's an air of...nonchalance around me. Some might deem it as being apathetically self-absorbed, e.g. "I-don't-give-a-damn-about-anything-or-anyone".

I don't know why I've grown cold lately. My best friend might be leaving Singapore next year, and I don't seem to treasure his company or time anymore. Sad, isn't it?

I don't need your sympathy votes, really.

What I need? I really don't know. Life feels so...empty of late. Lacklustre; a bore; meaningless even.

I guess U2 sums it up quite well - "And I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."

Trials

9 days since my last post.

Much has happened within this period of time, much of which will remain unsaid and confidential. I'm at a crossroad and I've yet to make my decision - which route will I take?

Physically it's been draining - the late nights and all. Coupled with the fact that there have been a maelstrom of emotions that have been rampant across those days, my life doesn't seem any better. Did I mention I'm on a 3 day full fast? Yeah. I'm tired, drained and hungry. They really do complement each other well; the product: a really annoyed Isaac.

I've been asking myself: why do I hold on? It's easier to let go. It's easier to give up and throw everything away. Is it really worth hanging on to? I think it's time my journey to Mount Doom started, and past the Shire and I feel like giving up. It's a long way to redeem myself, and it's a long way to the finish line. What keeps me hanging in there?

And still, I'm one step short of redemption. I've run out of words to express my anguish and present state of mind. Maybe it's the tiredness...

Apathetic

Strangely enough, I don't feel anymore.

I don't care anymore.

Sometimes I think things just don't hit home.

I don't show the slightest bit of humane response upon hearing the tragedies of life that different people face and are going through. I think it's time for some soul searching...

Brave

So long on status quo
I think I'll just let go
You make me wanna be brave

Just tired of holding on. Perhaps Charlotte's right. Maybe it's time to move on; holding on will not change anything. People want to be a part of my life, yet I shun them, and refuse to let them fill your place. No one ever will, but I guess it's time to open up.

But really, I think after losing the physical presence, the next best thing to hold on to is the memories of time spent with the person. Yeah, I'm being emotional. So sue me.

No thank you, just a smile.
I couldn't ask for more.

191105

Card written, present bought. I'm prepared to face the day.

And what?! Someone sends me a very amusing message. I think I might just survive today.

Smile and everything will be fine.

Love Abounds

Recent realisations have convinced me that change is not the only constant in life, contrary to popular belief. There is another entity that has been around from the start of time to the very present - love.

Love existed for a sole purpose - relationship(s). The very first of these was between God and Man. God created Adam out of love. And God later created Eve for Adam, in and also for love. Being human and knowing love, or loving for that matter, seem to be inseparable. For as long as we are human, we will love. It does not only apply for the relationship between two or more people. It has grown to be more complicated over the years. We now coin terms like 'meat-lovers, animal-lovers', purposefully establishing the relationship between themselves and an object of desire to be as strong as the relationship between two people in love. And of course, love takes on many forms, and does not comprise of the sole form modernity claims it has - eros. Love is so much more. It goes past the physical, mental/intellectual, emotional and spiritual. It is quasi-modular, and takes on many forms. Some even say it is the embodiment of our souls.

Modernity, and Hollywood, are the main causes of teenage relationships nowadays. With the ever-increasing number of action-romace films to hit the big screen, this combined with a generation that sees catching movies as part of everyday life, spells disaster. Society has often told us to dare to stretch the limits, push the boundaries; nothing is impossible. With that belief contorted and misinterpreted, teenagers attempt to be the star of their own movie, and start their heroic journey... However, I strongly believe teenagers lack the emotional (and mental) capability to handle relationships. Society has accelerated their emotional growth, and many start seeking love upon entering adolescence. Many claim it is puberty in motion, but really, the idea of teenage relationships was not conceived twenty years ago in Asia. But here it is now, ever so prevalent in today's society.

Have you ever looked around you, noticed the number of teenage couples and felt disgusted? I know I have. I often think, "These kids are wasting their life away; they're going to end up hurt, and they might just possibly commit suicide."

But it is so often found in our being in be judgmental and critical of people, things, and situations. We often think we know better, and adopt the protective "it's-for-your-own-good" method. But if love were to be real and true, this would not work.

Love gives, unreservedly. You do not hold back or try just because others tell you you will get hurt. Sadly, that thought is often at the back of our minds. The fear of commitment and giving is the main cause of the demise of many relationships. We fear getting hurt (again) by someone we love, and thus we would rather hold back and not commit, choosing to believe and accept that love is impossible.

Perhaps I seem like I'm contradicting myself, and you might say teenagers who believe that they can give, can love. Perhaps so, but a relationship takes two - we know the other, but do we know ourselves? Do we know what we seek, what we want in another? Often we would focus so much on the other, that we neglect ourselves, and we realise we've wasted the best years of our life away. There is a time for everything, and youth is precious.

And some will always say love eludes them, for they have been hurt so badly, with wounds so deep time will never heal. These are the people who once did love; they loved freely, unreservedly, only to get hurt. It is true - the more you open up, the more you could get hurt. That holds us all back some time or the other. Reality check: we live in a dog-eat-dog world; betrayal and back-stabbing surround us everyday.

So then, how do we love freely?

And more importantly, why do we love?

We love, because He first loved us.

And at the end of the day, it all comes back to Gee-Oh-Dee. Love is God-centred.

*****

But can I, in two days time, be found safe in His Love? Or will I fall because my security is not in Him? These few nights have brought me close to tears on several occasions, and I'm running out of ways to numb the maelstrom of feelings that will soon erupt and cause chaos.

A year back, and things were so fine. A year back, and I did love unreservedly and gave freely. A year back your smile was perfect, innocent, and untainted. But things have come between us, and you never have been that happy anymore. You may be content, but you're not happy. I know you too well.

A year back, and you were thankful for what little I gave. Now I feel that the most costly of all gifts would not appease you. A year ago, you could not sleep without calling to make sure I was fine, and ask how my day went. Now I know you sleep soundlessly without me in your mind. A year ago, I cried when you cried, smiled when you smiled. Now you're smiling when I'm in tears.

It's 1.23am now. Time to cry myself to sleep thinking of you.

(No this post has nothing to do with a romantic relationship. It deals with the loss of something more important than that. Breakups leave you shattered for 3 months; the loss of a best friend leaves you shattered for more...)

Live the Old Days

I shall lament on how I think my life has changed.

No, I changed my mind.

*****

Charmaine: It's 4/4 now. And no, I don't need you to bother doing it. I already know. I'm such a resourceful person. I dig up info at unearthly hours.

Third week into the holidays...

Well, it's been a rather 'memorable' weekend - Darryl's baptism and certain events on Sunday that occured. Well, across the weekend I'be been struck with a strange feeling. It's that feeling of confusion, and at times amusement, when you try to avoid somebody or a situation, but just as you turn a corner, you meet it/him/her again. To put it across in a more commonly used phrase, I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

A phone call last night, or rather earlier this morning, made me face up to certain issues that I've been running away from. I guess the person never intended to raise them up, but I guess it's time I face up to reality.

And strangely, I never did realise how what people said could affect me. Not in the 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me' aspect, but rather when people try to bring across a certain...point of view. I just never thought I'd be this easily swayed. No, I'm not going to take drugs or smoke or whatnot. It's...something else. It's light-hearted, to some extent.

For those awaiting another post which makes you think, be patient. I'll type one soon, when I'm in the mood and have the time. (I'm subconsciously admitting I'm blogging for an audience...)

Gone

Physical absence makes one empty.

Might vs Magic I

Living in my fantasy world, and I'm at the crossroads of another point in 'make-belief' land. Here's the scenario running through my mind: In a distant far away land, kingdoms battle for land and pride; to be the dominant force in the land. Everyone has a part to play and from young, children have to make the choice between might or magic. For the past two generations, the sword has been strong in the land, and many have been slain by the blade forged in fire. As such, it is totally understandable for the young children to pick might over magic - to wield a sword over spellcasting.

But that is not the case for one soul. Since young, he has always been intrigued by the mystic that shrouds magic in secrecy - the dark/light powers that possess the spirits to destroy or create at will. He has been training for 10 years, but now, the time comes for him to put his skills to the test. He has to leave and make a name for himself - to enter the war of the Seven Kingdoms, where the perennial struggle for power has been going on since the beginning of time.

He wandered out into the woods, and from where he was, he heard the sounds of footsteps in unison. He walks to the edge of the woods, and true enough, the King's army has set forth into yet another battle.

"Why do the poor souls sacrifice themselves for an unending war? Nothing has changed over the past 2 generations. Everyone is just fighting and fighting, for some, it's perhaps to see their faces in the obituaries!" he laughs.

"But this war is...senseless. Unless something breaks the status quo, people will continue to die without a cause."

With this realisation, the young wizard now has a new mission - to discover the weaknesses of each of the other Six Kingdoms, so that the mindless fighting will stop, before more of his friends are lost to a battle seemingly without cause.

*****

That's part one of a series I might not even continue. My writing's really rusty; it's been awhile since I actually wrote narratives. See if you can spot certain ideas that I'm trying to bring across. I borrowed a 'concept' from 1984. Happy reading.

Transient

Almost everything in the world is.

We are not supposed to build our lives on these things, isn't it so? We're supposed to store up things that are eternal. Why then are the foundations of our lives (God aside) the very things we know will decay and rot?

We know our basic foundation is God. Yet there are other things we build and prize our lives upon. No one is exempt from this. We all have 'baggages' that when lost, will make us weep and despair. The humane essentials - love, friendships, relationships, money (to some extent). These things when lost sadden us; some are even driven to extreme states because of what they have lost. We feel our lives are...incomplete and unfulfilled without them.

But the pressing question is why? Is the answer what we're trying to avoid? Being humans, we cannot be separated from humane needs, wants, desires. We need them to live. As much as our physical needs are met by food and water, these are the essential emotional foodsource that feeds our souls. We are humans - more than the physical. We are physical, emotional, spiritual, and, some would argue psychological, entities in one body - a pastiche of complex entities striving to be perfected.

And I do wonder, why is there such a void deep down. Perhaps it's due to the...'incompletion' - the lack of the emotional; the fear to trust, to feel again. Yes, I lead a sad angsty life. Boo hoo. If that's your reaction, then really, go away. Being human is just one step short of perfection, but this step is one that bridges seven storeys and is no small one. Like they say: the higher you are, the harder you fall. I've picked myself up, dusted my cloak, and nursed my wounds. But deep down in the desert of my soul, I know I'm just so dry emotionally. It's been quite some time since I last cried. I feel myself breaking down soon.

And you know what? It's the holidays! I have no end of gloom and misery - such is the price to pay for being me.

Cause amd Effect

We all know it, just that more often than not it slips our minds - everything we do has consequences. The effects of our actions vary from end to end of the spectrum. By God's Grace we may be let off lightly, or we could incur the wrath of a 7 generation plague.

I feel I belong to the latter group. I'm still living, paying the debts of something that lives in the past. Why can't sleeping dogs lie and just leave me alone. Why are the ghosts of past mistakes so big and eternal that no matter how far I run, they always find and haunt me?

It's been about a year now, and things look so different. I'm giving myself less than two weeks; then it's over. By the end, it's make or break. But with everything happening around me, the only outcome to is be "broken, shattered inside" - lyrics off Franz Ferdinand.

God, I was always an individualist, and I know there's a time to rely on You. But this? Why? Both outcomes aren't pleasing to You, so why put me through this?

Nightfall

It's in the stillness of the night - precisely at this hour - that I feel so alive.

I happen to believe I'm nocturnal. I'm wide awake at unearthly hours, and I'm supposed to be in school tomorrow. I guess I can't sleep. Thoughts just keep coming - wave after wave; tirelessly storming the gates of my mind, breaking through each time, causing more chaos, confusion, insecurity. They ravage through the lands, shattering the peace that once was. The towns burn on, with homes and lives being destroyed with each act that desecrates the once sacred and fertile land. Monuments that mark past momentuous milestones lay besieged under the constant and persistent blitz of attackers.

And here we lie under the stars, knowing; wondering what could be.
Do we take our chances while they last, or leave our fate to Destiny?

Oh well. I'm in the mood now. But I really should get some rest. Results, movie, track practice. Dawn's leaving for OBS tomorrow (today actually). Aww, so sad she'll miss certain...events/people (more like one person only).

Random thought: we can only live life if we love life. (Christian principles aside, it does bear truth. Think about it.)

Portals

I can't sleep.

I don't want to sleep.

I don't want to fall asleep thinking of you...

Argh

One match does not cost a championship.

On Holiday

Yeah. They've started. It's not something I entirely look forward to. Holidays, ironically, are the times when you feel you wake up to a day of less purpose and objectives. You wake up to the freedom of not knowing what to do. I've been going out the past few days, but I haven't caught any movies of late, although I would have wanted to.

I've been quite passive lately; the realisation that something may soon happen that will tear me asunder between memory and desire. And really, I don't know what to do... I've been in a melancholic state of reflection, and if I had to power to change things, I would. It's tragic I only realised the value of certain things in their absence. For some time, their absence has been filled by the presence of other things in my life, but illusions can only exist for so long. And now I realise certain things really do mean so much more than I would like to admit.

Why I'm going through such torture - the price to pay for being different - I don't know. Really. At times, I do wish for the simple life; the good life. My life is complicated beyond belief - a pastiche of monologues, anecdotes, stories, fairy-tales. It's narrative upon narrative of tragicomical happenings, and I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

It's the bittersweet quality of life which intrigues me. We go through hurts and pains to know that the next happy moment tastes so much sweeter. Like someone once told me, "Life is full of happy things, you just have to find them."

Sadly, I've lost mine, and it's an irreplaceable loss...