Time: Past and Present

It's been a year to the good. The national Cross Country Championships were today, and I guess I did not dare make my way down. It's been about a year since the start of the beginning of something I thought would last forever, but it ended in paradise lost.

April's going to be a month of reminiscing. So many parallels between these two years strike me as slightly disturbing. Birthdays, Cross Country events, and more... It's just like I'm reliving the experience all over again. I know I wished I could take back time, but now I think I know better. Time wasn't meant to be cyclic, but linear, but so often the reverse is the case. We experience the sense of deja vu in our lives; we find the lost pieces of others within ourselves.

And in 4 days, it'll be my turtle's first birthday. I think I share a strange form of affinity with my soft toys... Hmmm.

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and make things right, and we could start life over. But the cruel fact is that life is linear, and that the cyclical repeat of events is but an illusion.

And it would be just the two of us living.

Hope

Maybe what I need is a break from everything now. Everything's just crashing down and it's getting harder to survive here in the pressure cooker. But then you come along, and you made my day. At first your interruption was unwelcomed, but then I begun to realise, this is why I love you. You came along and made me realise why I'm doing what I do. You snapped me out and back into consciousness. You tell me not to give up, to hang in there.

And it's been so long since we talked. Sometimes I think friends are God's greatest gifts.

Your childlike faith - it means so much more, maybe more than you'll ever understand. Thanks for just being there. Really.

Fourth

(insert word here) fourth.

Here's a hint - alliteration.

My 400m run was so screwed. Don't want to talk about it.

A terrible week just passed; it seems another one beckons.

Debate tomorrow. This House believes that China holds the key to internet censorship.

Death

I have no idea why everything surrounds death nowadays. It's like a sense of fodeboding...

I realised I'm not ready to let go. It's perfectly fine if I die, but when others are called into question, I realised that it's not going to be easy to let them go.

This post makes no sense. I'm currently really peeved with a certain optician who provides terrible service. As a result I cannot collect my contacts today because I refuse to let him stick his fat ugly finger in my eye. He goes on to make snide comments like "girls can do it, and you're 16", "it's not painful, have you ever cut yourself", "you can't do it on your own, I have to do it for you", and he went "oh shit" when I still refused to let him do it.

Talk about quality services. As such, I argued with my parents, turned semi-suicidal, run away from home.

It's a screwed up week.

Death, Promises and Skepticism

Just came back from my soccer game. Not surprisingly, my muscle cramped up. Training's been intensive these days - 1500m on Thurs, 400m training on Fri, and there's training for 400m tomorrow. I'm thinking of pulling out really. There's still the debate to prepare for...

Perhaps the cynic in me is emerging again. Last night's talk with Melody was much welcomed; I sorted out several issues I needed to let go off. But really, why do we make promises? One shortcoming of the words we speak is the weight the hold. And what's more, we make promises like we will live forever. When do we know when our time is up? Fate, the Will of God, whatever other name it goes by that you believe in - is beyond our comprehension and predictability. Who knows for sure that the moment you leave your home, you'll return home safely?

There is this inability for us to govern our own lives, and ironic as it is in our struggle to amass power, we are still subjected to different external forces beyond our control. We make futile attempts to subdue Nature, and her ways, but to what extent can we play God? When will we realise that what we have come to can be taken away so easily? Empires crumbled over history, that we all know. Are we only going to realise that our attempts to exert autonomy over life and its forces is pathetic and futile when the helm of our ships is wrecked and beyond repair? We have become more arrogant and confident than the sailors of old who prayed for safe voyages and journies from each port departure. They believed in Nature and a larger force; we attempt to pitifully subdue it, but knowing too well we cannot.

And ever so often, we ask why - why we fail.

In Greek Mythology, the Moirae sit silently spinning the threads of life, and not even the Gods had power over them. And when the thread runs thin or Clotho and Lachesis decide the work is done, incomplete as it may possibly be, Atropos will cut the threads. Who decides who lives and who dies? Who subjects us to life or death? Who guaranteed that tomorrow would be a better day? Who guaranteed we would even live to see the dawn of another day? Who are we to make that promise?

We live life like immortals; we amass power, wealth, but what do we have in the end, for we know that there will be an end...

Perhaps to know life, we must first seek death; it is in the pursuit of death that we understand the purpose of life.

Fear

Race in 6 hours. My hands are starting to get cold, and it's only Geography now.

Keng Sheng's going for the soccer match against TPJC, so he won't be running. So I should get at least a silver. What happened during the break didn't make me feel better - Melody believes I can beat Zhong Ting, which I haven't done since...last year, I believe.

The pressure's mounting. And people have asked me, why do I take it so seriously? Why do I want to win? I'm still left pondering: is it an issue of taking pride in what I do, or is it my perfectionistic nature (which is diminishing with each passing day, oh the wonders of apathy)?

All I know is I want to win. I'm stepping out of where I was, and I believe I can.

Grey

Back to the one-liner titles.

Hmm. My 1500m finals are tomorrow. Someone demanded that I get first place, and I went into this semi-heated argument on why I could not. But I suppose she's right; I am making excuses for my failures. It's not an issue of over-expectation, but rather, I've been sitting in my comfort zone, refusing to push the limits and barriers that can be stretched by the will of the human mind. I'm too used to where I am, being second best, and comfortably accepting that and stuck with the mindset that I cannot beat those ahead of me. It's been quite a while since I clocked my personal best of 52 seconds for 400m, beating all the track seniors. Perhaps I lost that motivation - to be the best, and not be surpassed. I remember then, I was feeling the adrenaline rush, coupled with the determination to prove that no member of the track team was invincible. (Keng Sheng's not running tomorrow. That means I have to get at least a silver medal.)

And once again, I think that the lines I've drawn are becoming blurry and grey; that where I stand is not longer definite. I'm drifting, hovering, and I'm not sure where I stand now. Perhaps soon, it will be time to make that relational decision I hate the most. I always seemed to have shirked back from making that decision. The question stands: will a certain someone be at the stands watching tomorrow? That has become the primary concern now, instead of who's running, and that scares me.

Why is it that I feel that once again, I'm caught in a gyre spinning, slowly but surely, out of control? And inevitably, it destroys all that surround it. I'm no longer controlling the variables of my life, but rather, circumstances and other larger forces dictate it.

...and everything in between's just grey.

Death and the Dearly Departed

Someone once told me that we should live life to the fullest, and when we die, it is without any regrets.

Death comes to us all, and one does question why we are so afraid of it. If death were to claim us this very instant, would we be ready to leave? Would there be baggages that we would want to take with us? Are there issues yet unsolved?

As said before, I believe that an entity and its antithesis complement each other. If we do not fear death, we will never learn to appreciate life. And such is the necessity of it. Yet, it is ever so haunting when it claims the lives of those around us. A friend of a friend has recently mourned, in passing, the death of a parental figure. What struck me as more poignant was how the person's siblings would cope without a fatherly figure in such a young age. It does ultimately affect their growth and development.

Death brings about sorrow, but it is in sorrow that we realise how much sweeter life is. Yeah, cliched, but true.

And perhaps it is true that we will never miss those around us till they leave.

And perhaps I never will admit the loss to see one so dearly departed.

In more heartwarming news, I qualified first in my 100m heats, and my supposed 400m heat was called off, as we didn't have enough people. So it's straight to the finals. Lee Tat, this year, that medal is mine. (You're too old anyway!)

Closure

It's something I don't think I ever will get, really.

There are just so many things in my life that are left or have been left hanging. Issues are unresolved, and just swept under the carpet; I move on, pretending they never happened.

But when it all comes crashing down, it hits home hard, and one starts to realise that the emotional baggage carried around from day to day gets heavier. Perhaps I've been so accustomed to it, that I don't see the need for closure, but now that's it's near breaking point, it's different.

Let's just say events from last year are starting to haunt me once again; things that were meant to have been laid to rest long ago have not been.

Strangely enough, I'm drawing seemingly closer to certain people, and that's not necessarily a good thing. Gwyneth asked me to be her tutor for Math and the Sciences, and I'm helping Xiu Qing with Chem. Once again, it's time to decide and draw the line...

And I'm up preparing for the stupid debate which Melody expects us to win. Got the points already, and Chermy's helping me find case studies. I don't suppose I can go sleep now, can I? I really need sleep. There's heats the whole of next week for Track, then there's Math and the Debate on Wed. It's a busy week ahead. God give me strength to make it through...

Blown

Once again, I'm stuck in another situation, not of my doing, which results in further aggrevation of an already annoyed Isaac.

Perhaps it was true, maybe it isn't. But so what? Does it have to go to such an extent?! Frankly, I'm hoping it's the latter. And I'm surrounded by such idiots who blow things totally out of proportion. I'm feeling murderous now. Really.

Sarah's right. Everyone's just being childish, and maybe I should just ignore it. But surely one can expect more from people who are supposedly more intellectually adapt. It does happen in primary school, but we're in a tertiary institution. I'm not denying the existence of such things, but surely it is not on such a large scale.

I'm now removed from everyone, sitting at the stairway alone. Maybe it's getting to me, and I don't know why. It's just so frustrating really. It's seemingly harmless, but it's not. It does drain you.

Go get a life. Really. I'm so glad it's the weekend.

You know, this stupid issue is just so...well, typical of people my age - teenyboppers. I can't seem to talk to anyone who would listen and not tell me something stupid.

The past just haunts me now. Ways to escape reality have been cut off, and there's no turning back.

A tear trickles down // the people walk by.

Sunshine After The Rain

But you made me smile.

Leaving or Gone?

Once again I'm forced to confront issues that I've swept under the carpet. I thought they were laid to rest, for good. But the sudden resurgence of guilt weighs ever so heavy on my conscience, and I cannot but stop to ponder on what has resurfaced.

Maybe I thought that certain chapters of my life were over, and that it would be okay and move on and start afresh. But once again, I realised when it came to the crossroads; when I had to make a choice, I fall short of redemption. I'm still stuck in the past. There's a leap of faith I'm not willing to take. There's a bond that holds me back; there are people I still hold on to.

The mere mention of something in class today set everything in motion, leading up to a near outburst and breakdown. Maybe it's the culmination of so many events, so many facades that slowly wear me out. Maybe I try to act amused when you tell me such things. Maybe it's all just for a laugh, and like you claim, "highly inprobable". Yet, it irks me - unresolved issues resurrect and haunt me again.

I'm not ready to move on. So just stop already. You people probably will never read this, and may never know, and I probably will never speak out against it; like Kerry once said, it's a rites of passage. But maybe people should know when they rub salt into a wound, especially an open one.

I took the step to admit: my life isn't perfect, as much as it may seem.

Again I do wonder, the sacrifices I make - are they worthwhile? Is what is right necessarily good? We claim to do things in the best interests of others; and back then I should have been selfish.

Questions ... of progress
Oh let's go back to the start

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would this hard
Take me back to the start

Cross the Line

Perhaps once in a while, it's good to take a step back and look where one is. It provides a check is this fast-paced world. We stop and reflect, and think: is what we're doing right? Is it what we want to do? Should we be doing what we've been doing?

I think recent events have caused me to take a break, and look at the larger picture: that of how I'm slowly but surely losing and letting go. Do I want to? Was it right to make that choice? Did I have to be that extreme? Should I have stopped, and not continued? Was it right?

Perhaps I should say sorry. I went on, without realising and reading into the subtilities; what you said did not happen, thus I disregarded it.

But whatever the case, I'm sorry.

And it all ends here.

Responsibility

I am pissed, and probably will remain that way till the issue is sorted out.

Being the person in the middle suddenly seems like the worse position I can be in. Why do I have to take responsibility for someone else's actions. In fact, it's everyone's actions.

It's not the easiest task distributing papers to people, especially during the elective weeks. And things are messy, and things get missing. I've done my part, what more do you want really? Am I supposed to beg people to hand their work in on time? Is that my responsibility too? Am I to be blamed if someone hands in his work late? Is it my fault that people don't hand in work? Is it my fault that people lose their work?

I'm becoming the scapegoat for all that nonsense. No, I'm not the problem. No other subject distributes and collects as much work. And besides, the class is too individualised, as compared to last year, as I was discussing with Melody over lunch.

So really, I don't care if I'm stepping down. I don't care if you people have to do 8 more articles, or get a big fat zero for the Wells assignment. Why? It's not my fault; my conscience is clear. Blame those who lose their work instead of blaming the rep really. I've had enough. I'd like to see who wants to replace me and do a better job. It's not that easy, despite the claims that it is. This isn't SS, where all Chao Chia asks is for a stack of paper per term. I collect the journals fortnightly, hand up dozens of assignments for the class, and other administrative nonsense.

This is the end really. When are people going to start taking responsibility for their own lives instead of perennially pushing the blame to others? When are people ever going to take responsibility for their own learning and their own lives? I cannot be bothered already. This is breaking point. So grow up, you think you people are flawless? Think again. Think hard and long. Use that grey matter in your head, lest it decays and rots.

Identity

Who am I?

Everytime I think back and reflect, there's just so many questions left unanswered,and new ones that keep surfacing. And so often I'm left in doubt - is this who I am? What was I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be now? Who am I supposed to be? (note the intricate difference)

Charlena told me that in life, we all have various self-defining moments, and I think this is one of them. I feel as if I've lost the reigns of control, and I'm just riding the tide, and hoping to cruise through it. There's this sense that I'm not in control, and other things at present are dictating my life - situations, circumstances, the like.

I think that I've quite a bit of catching up to do. I've been so caught up with life, that I forget to slow down and enjoy it. Wrote my narrative "Speed" across the holidays, and the story was so apt; it ties in so much with Crash.

But as for now, I seem to have lost myself. Maybe it's time for another process of discovery. But the irony of life is this: the more you construct an identity for yourself, the more you question - is that who I want to be? Is that who I'm meant to be?

My destiny lies in You.

Four Is A Common Factor

I can't believe I'm so terribly slow!

This is so amusing!

We're all linked by fours!

Change, or is it?

School reopens, and nothing much has changed.

Yes, there are the changes on the surface - new classrooms, new blocks, new timetables. But nothing significant has changed. I don't see what the hype is for. 5 minutes off the periods isn't that big an issue; it's almost the same as 1 hour periods. The only difference lies in the difficulty remembering what time each period is. A round sixty minutes was so much more convenient.

Less than a month till I'm sixteen. I get to play pool legally at last!

I guess Marcus is right. The ennui is setting in, if it hasn't already. There's this feeling that everything that surrounds is mundane. I think I'm running on highs - certain things that get me going for a while, before I return back to this state. So what's new? What's the next challenge, the next mountain to climb?

I've two bets I intend to win in April; the difference between them twelve days.

I guess I'm still trudging along till then.

Quarterlife Crisis

Indeed, midlife is occuring faster nowadays, so much so that I believe I'm going through a quarterlife crisis.

Looking back once again, things have changed so much this year, even though less than three months have passed. And I guess I was all too caught up in settling, adjusting, that I failed to notice what's happened. School has changed quite a bit, in terms of relationships. Marcus rightly comments that "new alliances have been formed this year", and this shift is quite telling of the nomadic instincts of most teenagers when it comes to relationships. We get what we want from a relationship, and we leave after we get it, searching for greener and newer pastures. It is indeed, quite sad.

And when Melody and I were walking around town yesterday pretending to be tourists and wandering around the Esplanade, the sights we saw were just shocking. Almost every teenage couple was engaging in some intimate act (holding hands/hugging does not constitute this), and we were discussing how everything is transient, and how kids could have made out 40 times before marriage, and later get married another 20 times.

It brings me to the point that I think I'm wasting my life and childhood away. It just struck me - 3 more years, and I'm no longer a teenager. I'll soon be expected to act and behave like an adult (though there are alot more negative connotations tied in to being one).

I suddenly feel like giving up my life. Really. Last night I dreamt I wanted to commit suicide and ran away from home and found a place where I was left alone. Maybe I should not read too much into it; the discontentment grows. Why do I continue doing what I do? I think I'm doing it without a sense of purpose and direction, and I believe I'd be better off not doing it at all. I'm still waiting for that answer. I won't search for it. You tell me why I'm still here giving so much and getting drained all the time. They once told me the joy and satisfaction is the only reward you need; that reward now seems a distant future. Why do I care really? I don't believe in blind faith, I do question what I do. Ironically, I was told to have faith on Wednesday night.

"You will grow from faith to faith."

I'm so close to giving up this life. A three week vacation is much overdue. Someone asked me today, what happened to the Isaac that would come to church and cell irregardless of work. Work is the excuse given to avoid something I don't see a point in being a part of. I think I'm skipping LCell for the second fortnight in a row. I don't see why I'm obligated to go down really. It's a privilege after all; one which I'm declining blatantly and openly.

Don't tell me to get my life back on track. Leave me alone. And I realise I can conjure these vibes that scare people off when they want to come over and talk to me. It was really evident on Wednesday. Someone walks over, and I think, "just leave me alone" and somehow the person just turns back or walks away.

Oh and one last thing, I hate it when you try to understand me really. Face it, you don't and never will. Reading this doesn't give you more insights into my life, and it never will. There's so much more to me than you will ever understand because you fail to take the time to see.

Less Than Deserving

I am such an idiot. Period.

I'm sorry Sis.

Waiting

Well, shall we go?

Yes, let's go.

They do not move.