Reflection II

Yes, it's another entry about this poor, misguided, confused intellectual seeking answers and wondering and seeking answers to life and his existence.

Recent events have caused me, once again, no doubt, to search deeper into finding out who I really am. I keep ending up in cycle after cycle of relationships (some a total waste of time) formed and broken, and I get thrown back to the same people over and over. And I'm thinking, why? Why do this over and over again? Why bother to experiment to find out what works and try to hang on and preserve the relationship? Why do some mean more to me than others ever will? Why don't I escape from society and run to some unknown deserted island to isolate myself, and live life alone?

Once again I'm down to selecting which relationships to juggle and hold on to at this juncture of my life. I really find that having that many people to handle just kills me. As much as Jose Mourinho has problems keeping the star-studded Chelsea squad happy, I have my problems finding and squeezing out time to talk to people, to show that I'm there for them. I know it's illogical reasoning, but it's happening. I don't talk to a person for a week or two, they think I'm neglecting them.

Yet sometimes I find myself guilty of that; of seeking attention from people I'm close to, so that I know I still matter to them. It's the whole teenage insecurity issue. So that brings me to the question - no close friends, no need to do such a thing, right? That's one of my constant struggles - whether to treasure relationships like they matter, or to seem distant and cold, so I won't get hurt again.

Mercantilistic society tells us to take more, and give less; profit is the name of the game. And when applied to friendships and relationships, everything goes wrong.

Something from a previous MSN conversation struck me. I guess very few relationships nowadays are built on trust. There's always suspicion that people might betray you and all. I guess even if that isn't present, there is something that holds us back from freely pouring out our souls to another, isn't there? For myself, I admit I don't trust everyone. There's always that fear. But yet, I'm just so open towards certain people, and I daresay I'd tell them anything about my life if they asked.

Trust has to be earned, you might argue. Yet certain bonds transcend any form of logic or human emotion that we comprehend. These bonds shared between two (or more) people cause them to do things for each other without reasoning.

Wait, that sounded wrong. It sounds like some silly speech on love. Ha. Right. I did not intend to make it sound that way. So rephrase - there are platonic bonds form that transcend any form of logic or human emotion we comprehend. Yeah, alot better.

This is totally paradoxical. I'm supposed to be rational, not freaking emo. Being emotional is good, at times. One could argue a whole thesis on that. So if anyone would like to support that stand, please do let me in on your...reasons for that.